its been a heck of a long time...
its hard to believe that ive been up here for over a year now. It seems to have gone so quickly, but it's also feeling as if ive been here a lot longer...
Life is different. I don't have a bunch of people whom i call friends anymore, and can rely on. There are people who will always be in my 'inner circle' wherever they are, and whatever happens, but on a day to day basis.... ? nope. Instead of how i envisaged my coping with this however, im actually better off than i thought.
I have a stretch of beach i can call mine, because i live literally 5 mins walk away... 15 mins and im on wild cliffs. 15 mins the other way and im in the town centre, which has its own pace and lifestyle. I haven't been out for a night out there but i certainly will sometime.
I'm finally beginning to get to grips with some of the things which have plagued me for, if im honest, a lot longer than i care to admit to, but leaving everything behind exposed and laid bare. I havent been able to do it alone, and i still have a long way to go - my therapist is recommending me for longer term treatment, but at least im going in the right direction, even if things sometimes feel as if they are just getting worse and worse.
I do have a social life of sorts, there are a couple of girls at work im friendly with and time and circumstances permitting we do try and do stuff.. im not entirely on my own, which is nice in itself. Life is more peaceful, the pace a little more sedate, making me realise, in turn just how frantic things had become. As a result, I'm generally a little calmer and more at ease than i was.. and often the thing stressing me out now is just how stressed out i am naturally... which is something i am trying to address.
Work has been hard. The politics proving too much. So i successfully managed to go back into full retail (actually the job i used to do before they split the branches) its already been said, that they're taking a punt on me and i need to be able to deliver, but now im at least going to be away from my current line manager who has been making things very difficult... so this should also be addressed soon. I start on the 28th sept, after my two weeks annual leave.
My plans for my holiday are not many. I shall be back in sheffield for a few days at the start, and i shall probably go to durham for a day, and maybe up to alnwick or berwick, cash permitting. lindesfarne i think will have to wait till next spring now.... im saving up money - too much debt, and i want to try and get some paid off. new job will help a little, as i can walk to work, which will save me some money each month.
I think the hardest thing at the moment is the feeling that im in limbo. I'm not the same person i was a year ago.. but i dont know what im going towards either, but i dont feel i can start going forwards until i know where im going. It doesnt make a lot of sense, but it bugs me. another thing that doesnt help my stress levels....
I suck utterly at having faith in anything..
I know that this is a bit of rambley post... i havent really updated in a long time. I haven't felt able and i dont feel as if ive had much to say... equally i don't feel anyone is listening either. I know that that isnt necessarily the case and it shouldnt matter, because i should be writing for my benefit but somewhere it does impact.... I need to get into the habit of getting whats in my head out though if i want to look at going further forwards though.....
so yeah... ill be in sheffield 13-16th inclusive. i have a couple of things planned but if anyone does fancy meeting up for a coffee or whatever then give me a shout and im sure that we can sort something out... or you could come join me at the Soul Shredder gig on the wednesday evening....
Life is different. I don't have a bunch of people whom i call friends anymore, and can rely on. There are people who will always be in my 'inner circle' wherever they are, and whatever happens, but on a day to day basis.... ? nope. Instead of how i envisaged my coping with this however, im actually better off than i thought.
I have a stretch of beach i can call mine, because i live literally 5 mins walk away... 15 mins and im on wild cliffs. 15 mins the other way and im in the town centre, which has its own pace and lifestyle. I haven't been out for a night out there but i certainly will sometime.
I'm finally beginning to get to grips with some of the things which have plagued me for, if im honest, a lot longer than i care to admit to, but leaving everything behind exposed and laid bare. I havent been able to do it alone, and i still have a long way to go - my therapist is recommending me for longer term treatment, but at least im going in the right direction, even if things sometimes feel as if they are just getting worse and worse.
I do have a social life of sorts, there are a couple of girls at work im friendly with and time and circumstances permitting we do try and do stuff.. im not entirely on my own, which is nice in itself. Life is more peaceful, the pace a little more sedate, making me realise, in turn just how frantic things had become. As a result, I'm generally a little calmer and more at ease than i was.. and often the thing stressing me out now is just how stressed out i am naturally... which is something i am trying to address.
Work has been hard. The politics proving too much. So i successfully managed to go back into full retail (actually the job i used to do before they split the branches) its already been said, that they're taking a punt on me and i need to be able to deliver, but now im at least going to be away from my current line manager who has been making things very difficult... so this should also be addressed soon. I start on the 28th sept, after my two weeks annual leave.
My plans for my holiday are not many. I shall be back in sheffield for a few days at the start, and i shall probably go to durham for a day, and maybe up to alnwick or berwick, cash permitting. lindesfarne i think will have to wait till next spring now.... im saving up money - too much debt, and i want to try and get some paid off. new job will help a little, as i can walk to work, which will save me some money each month.
I think the hardest thing at the moment is the feeling that im in limbo. I'm not the same person i was a year ago.. but i dont know what im going towards either, but i dont feel i can start going forwards until i know where im going. It doesnt make a lot of sense, but it bugs me. another thing that doesnt help my stress levels....
I suck utterly at having faith in anything..
I know that this is a bit of rambley post... i havent really updated in a long time. I haven't felt able and i dont feel as if ive had much to say... equally i don't feel anyone is listening either. I know that that isnt necessarily the case and it shouldnt matter, because i should be writing for my benefit but somewhere it does impact.... I need to get into the habit of getting whats in my head out though if i want to look at going further forwards though.....
so yeah... ill be in sheffield 13-16th inclusive. i have a couple of things planned but if anyone does fancy meeting up for a coffee or whatever then give me a shout and im sure that we can sort something out... or you could come join me at the Soul Shredder gig on the wednesday evening....