(no subject)
I had such a funtastic bostonian weekend. a mixed and hurried and champagne-filled new years topped off a refreshing and insightful year. I've never felt as sure and unsure of where my life is headed as I do right now. I manage the confidence that I'm going to do what I love, but there's so much in between right now and twenty years from now. details, details, details - I have none figured out. India is pressing me more and more. The closer I get and the more I think I want to go, the more doubt I find in my head and my heart. Senior year. Burlington or India. Ha, what a comparison. I love to see new places and meet new people and I don't want to ever regret not going abroad in college but I want to not come back to school half way through senior year and be completely overwhelmed and pressured and what if I don't graduate? I'm almost ready to be done with college, I'm so excited to find out what will happen next to me, to experience something entirely new. I've been bouncing around the idea of living elsewhere in the country this summer, do an internship of sorts, that pays of course, and Montana or Colorado are tempting me. I'm also intrigued by the south, there's a hospital in Little Rock that has an amazing ward for birth mark patients, severe birthmarks, that get them removed and I've been thinking for awhile of doing volunteer work there. They require at least 3 months. I could possibly pull that off this summer. I'm not sure. But I wish I were.
I love how I always manage to contradict myself. I love having crushes and I fall in love with the thought and image and emotions associated with a new crush, or contact with a crush. I was so pumped Sam came to Boston this weekend, whenever we see eachother I think there's electricity between us. He makes me so nervous and when he kisses me it's oh so passionate and slow and fireworks that I want to pull away to take a breath and just say: "wow" Oh well though, he's in new york and I'm not, but it's always fun to see him and hang out with him. I'm so unsure of myself though, I have no idea how to act around him or to him. I think word vomit just spits out of my mouth and I'm a bumbling fool and want to walk away from myself, for his sake. Like we joked around, there really is no filter between what is in my head and what comes out of my mouth, and it never equals what I want. At least I can laugh at myself, I find that important and usually necessary.
I love how I always manage to contradict myself. I love having crushes and I fall in love with the thought and image and emotions associated with a new crush, or contact with a crush. I was so pumped Sam came to Boston this weekend, whenever we see eachother I think there's electricity between us. He makes me so nervous and when he kisses me it's oh so passionate and slow and fireworks that I want to pull away to take a breath and just say: "wow" Oh well though, he's in new york and I'm not, but it's always fun to see him and hang out with him. I'm so unsure of myself though, I have no idea how to act around him or to him. I think word vomit just spits out of my mouth and I'm a bumbling fool and want to walk away from myself, for his sake. Like we joked around, there really is no filter between what is in my head and what comes out of my mouth, and it never equals what I want. At least I can laugh at myself, I find that important and usually necessary.