The Buddha is elusive
I'm trying to update more, but it's very difficult when nothing is really happening in my life. I'm growing very tired of my current routine, and it's been brought to my attention that I will not be hired as a salaried employee at my current job by the time I leave. At this point it's more of a relief to know it's not coming rather than wondering. Them's the breaks, I suppose.
Life has been really difficult the last few weeks. The home situation is remarkably stressful. I've never had a problem with it before, but recently I've been coming to the conclusion that my house is really god-damned small. I absolutely cannot wait until I have the ability to get a new place. I need my own space. Last week's adventure with the flu and a 103° fever was lovely, not to mention the four days I won't be getting paid for as a result. In addition I've gone a little more than half-deaf in my left ear from, as far as I can tell, the tube in my inner ear collapsing from my wonderful bout of the flu. Apparently there's not much to do about that but wait and see. Excellent. The deafening tinnitus is a pleasant side effect as well.
Lately, the real challenge has been trying to stay positive. In the grand scheme of things, life isn't that bad. I'm engaged, I have a cot and three hots, and XBox 360 and Modern Warfare 2 has been a delightful time-sink the past few days. I guess the real problem is I'm really unhappy with the whole situation I'm in right now, and my lack of options to change it.
I have a five-hour interview for the NYC Teaching Fellows program next Saturday. It's a great program (benefit-wise, at least) and probably the most ideal option I have to get into education. I cannot say I'm not nervous, but I know I've got a good shot. The odds are just against me. I'm also terrified of a five-minute lesson plan you have to prepare and present - I've somehow got to concretely teach a concept visually, verbally and kinetically in five minutes, with a definite beginning, middle and end.
I've never prepared anything like this, and everything I know well enough to teach takes much longer than five minutes, and everything simple enough to teach that quickly is laughably simple and won't help my chances in getting selected. I'm at a loss, and could really use some advice, but I've got no-one to get it from. I'll probably just end up winging something. I mostly just want to get it over with already, so I can just get rejected and stop obsessing over it. It's stressing me out a ton.
But anyway. Lately I've found satisfaction in solitude, in quiet. I've found satisfaction in sunsets, reminded of purpose by color. I've remembered that peace is the best pursuit, and found satisfaction in seeking it out in all things. I've been frustrated by waking up covered in tears, and knowing they were from some heartbreakingly beautiful dream - frustrated I cannot remember what it was. I'll find satisfaction in seeking it out.
edit: Boredom at work drove me to revise an old poem - I've always liked it and now I like it more. Hooray for editing.
Life has been really difficult the last few weeks. The home situation is remarkably stressful. I've never had a problem with it before, but recently I've been coming to the conclusion that my house is really god-damned small. I absolutely cannot wait until I have the ability to get a new place. I need my own space. Last week's adventure with the flu and a 103° fever was lovely, not to mention the four days I won't be getting paid for as a result. In addition I've gone a little more than half-deaf in my left ear from, as far as I can tell, the tube in my inner ear collapsing from my wonderful bout of the flu. Apparently there's not much to do about that but wait and see. Excellent. The deafening tinnitus is a pleasant side effect as well.
Lately, the real challenge has been trying to stay positive. In the grand scheme of things, life isn't that bad. I'm engaged, I have a cot and three hots, and XBox 360 and Modern Warfare 2 has been a delightful time-sink the past few days. I guess the real problem is I'm really unhappy with the whole situation I'm in right now, and my lack of options to change it.
I have a five-hour interview for the NYC Teaching Fellows program next Saturday. It's a great program (benefit-wise, at least) and probably the most ideal option I have to get into education. I cannot say I'm not nervous, but I know I've got a good shot. The odds are just against me. I'm also terrified of a five-minute lesson plan you have to prepare and present - I've somehow got to concretely teach a concept visually, verbally and kinetically in five minutes, with a definite beginning, middle and end.
I've never prepared anything like this, and everything I know well enough to teach takes much longer than five minutes, and everything simple enough to teach that quickly is laughably simple and won't help my chances in getting selected. I'm at a loss, and could really use some advice, but I've got no-one to get it from. I'll probably just end up winging something. I mostly just want to get it over with already, so I can just get rejected and stop obsessing over it. It's stressing me out a ton.
But anyway. Lately I've found satisfaction in solitude, in quiet. I've found satisfaction in sunsets, reminded of purpose by color. I've remembered that peace is the best pursuit, and found satisfaction in seeking it out in all things. I've been frustrated by waking up covered in tears, and knowing they were from some heartbreakingly beautiful dream - frustrated I cannot remember what it was. I'll find satisfaction in seeking it out.
edit: Boredom at work drove me to revise an old poem - I've always liked it and now I like it more. Hooray for editing.