Raising your spirited child
Originally posted by wildest_honey at post
Больше для себя для памяти цитаты. Поэтому так много и без перевода, извините.
Дочитала Raising your spirited child. Для меня это во многом глоток свежего воздуха. Не потому что я вдруг поняла, что Полька пренадлежит к какой-то особой редкой группе (мне эта часть как раз мешала книгу читать, не знаю почему, не люблю ярлыки), не потому что там были новые волшебные методы (хотя интересно есть), а потому что книга дала мне уверенность. Очень многие методы описываемые там - именно, что я делаю. Но вокруг я всегда чувствую неодобрение, что я слишком нянчусь, слишком прогибаюсь и тп, а тут читаю "мои" методы как вполне легимитные. И читаю подтверждение своим ощущениям, что просто нужно время и другие методы.
Нравится, что в конце каждой главы кратко ссуммировано основное
Читаю и улыбаюсь (вспоминая как именно Поля выражала протест против купания и сна в саду):
Some children react so strongly that they will vomit. Some experts raise a warning that to respond sympathetically is to be controlled by your child. “If they vomit,” they advise, “clean it up and put them back to bed.” But small children don’t vomit to control their parents; they vomit because they are stressed. They also rarely vomit in a neat little pile. There is nothing worse than walking into a room with vomit sprayed on the walls, the carpet, stuffed animals, and each individual bar of the crib. If your child is prone to vomiting, go to him, help him to take deep breaths and calm down so that he won’t regurgitate. Your support at this point will save you both a great deal of frustration and discomfort when you are much too tired to deal with it
A highly intense infant will strive to stay in physical contact with you. Odds are he will scream the minute his body touches the sleeping surface. If you are comfortable keeping him with you in a sling, feel free to do so, but if you’d like him to sleep on another surface as well, I will recommend a little “nudge
USE YOUR IMAGINATION: Spirited kids have wonderful imaginations. You can use this to motivate them to dress. Ask them what they would like to be this morning, perhaps an astronaut, a firefighter, or even Santa Claus. Once they’ve chosen their character, pretend the clothes you are putting on them are their costumes. As you put on their socks, make them astronaut socks. Slide on a sweater that is an oxygen pack. Pull a shirt over their head that is a space suit. Have fun with it. Becoming an astronaut is much more motivating than putting on old brown corduroys. It’s also easier for your child to keep his cool when his mind is focused on something interesting and fun. COMPROMISE: You can also motivate the can’t-do kid by agreeing to put on one sock, then encouraging your child to put on the other. You put on the T-shirt; he puts on the sweater. As you do it, talk with him about the upcoming day. The distraction can help him move through the task without getting frustrated. Gradually you will want to pull out of this process doing less and less until your child is dressing on his own. You may still have to sit in the room while he dresses, but at least he is getting the clothes on.
Думаю из этой цитаты понятно про что я:) Если коротко описать что они считают spirited: впечатлительные, упорные, чувствительные (к звукам, запахам и тп), восприимчивые (легко отвлекающиеся на все окружающее), очень медленно превыкающие к переменам (даже простым, типа проснуться утром, зайти в класс в школе, уйти из школы). И хотя это все описывает Польку, мне не нравится думать о ней как какой-то проблемной. Но в целом книга по-моему для всех, так как каждая оставляющая разбирается отдельно, с методами решения проблем. А так же отдельно главы про еду, отход ко сну, подарки и праздники. в общем, очень больные для меня темы:)
Понравился совет про ярлыки. Мы часто жалуемся на детей, которые упрямые, шумные и тп. Но если про упрямого думать как про настойчивого, про шумного как энергичного и драматичного, про отвлекающегося как про восприимчивого, про манипулятора как про харизматичного - нам самим уже легче. В принципе, в случае с Полькой меня этой проблемы нет, но есть у других людей с ней же. И мне очень помог совет из этой книги в беседах в продленке. Когда они жаловались, что она ревет и не идет в продленку, я могла не защищаться, а согласиться, но сделать это позитивнее "да, она очень чувствительна к переменам. тяжело быть впечатлительным, может предоставим ей шанс посидеть в офисе и настроиться на остаток дня в продленке?". Жалко я в саду про это не знала, мне было бы легче воспринимать критику Инеке что Полька тянет на себя внимание и громко говорит:)
If your child is temperamentally sensitive, hearing, smelling,
and feeling things that you may not even discern, you can expect
that food, clothing, crowds, noisy celebrations, and other sensory
loaded activities will easily trigger him. Now when it happens, instead
of worrying that he is being obnoxious or naughty on purpose,
you can recognize it for what it is: his first and most natural
reaction, a reaction you can help him learn to manage.
Читая книгу я поняла, что и сама по всем пунктам подхожу под их "определение", и может поэтому для меня особой проблемы нет почувствовать и понять, но у Димки ого-го какие проблемы, так как вот они совсем разные. Димка ближе к Лехе (из-за чего у них часто искрит до пожаров).
Читаю и жалею, что все-таки редко нам приходится встречать таких учителей:
Seth is a five-year-old spirited introvert. During his Early
Childhood Family Education (ECFE) class he played beautifully
with the other children until the end. That’s when he got tired
Extrovert or Introvert 83
and needed to dip into his “preferred” energy account. Unfortunately,
when he first started the class, he didn’t know how to accomplish
this properly. As a result, he got his time alone by
hitting. At first his teacher didn’t understand what he was doing
and got upset with him. Then, by watching him closely, she realized
that Seth needed a quick introvert “fix” at this time of the
day. Now when she sees him start to misbehave or hears him
complain that someone is too close or bothering him, she says,
“Seth, I think you need a break. Let’s go out to the lobby and get
your coat. You can help me gather the materials for the other kids.”
That five-minute break from people and action recharges Seth
and gives him the energy he needs to make it through the transition
from school to home. Seth’s teacher is hopeful that in the near
future he will be able to ask for a break instead of hitting to get one.
Воооот!
To keep their energy high, extroverts need feedback,
love feedback, and can’t get enough feedback. A few words
of positive reinforcement and the extrovert is flying high, ready
to roll. Introverts may wonder why so much reinforcement is
needed.
Your spirited extrovert needs feedback to recharge. She isn’t
just nagging when she asks for your reassurance or response. It
isn’t a sign of poor self-esteem when she needs your words of encouragement.
Feedback refuels her energy bank.
It’s very likely that you have indeed felt your child’s cues in
your gut but may have ignored them because you were too tired
or rushing to get somewhere. Perhaps you ignored them because
you thought responding to these cues reinforces your child’s negative
behavior, but reading the cues is like smelling smoke. If you
follow up quickly, you may be able to smother the fire before it
engulfs you, saving you an hour of total turmoil. As you catch the cues, tell the kids what you see.
Ultimately we want the children to catch their growing intensity
themselves, to rely on their inner control rather than our
control. By giving them the words, we can expect that by the
time they are three and a half or four years of age, we will be hearing
things like: “Mom, I’m starting to bounce off the walls, help
me.”
Three-year-old Al is a blond, tousled-haired minitornado.
“I’ve got gusto,” he informed me. “My dad says it’s okay to do
things with gusto-as long as you don’t hurt anybody!”
“I’m full of it,” a five-year-old shared, “just like my Grandpa
Dick.”
“My mom plays whisper games with me to help me practice
my soft voice because usually I’ve very dramatic,” six-year-old
Chrissie exclaimed.
“I have powerful reactions,” eight-year-old Kerry told me.
These children, as young as three (and sometimes even two)
understand their intensity and feel good about it. They haven’t
been told they were wild, aggressive, or mean. The words to describe
their intensity have focused on the vim, vigor, and energy
racing through their body in a positive way. It is those words that
help them to feel comfortable with their intensity rather than
embarrassed or frightened by it. As a result, they don’t have to
run wild, scream, hit, or throw things to express themselves-at
least most of the time. They can talk about it instead.
Ооо, сколько раз меня спасал этот метод, так что у польки дошло до рефлекса (устала - надо читать):
Many parents of spirited children
have found the simple act of pulling out a book and inviting
their child to sit on their lap or next to them, especially in a
rocker or glider, is all that is needed to diffuse an accelerating intensity
level. Not only does your child learn the power of reading
to manage her strong feelings but she is also exposed to the wonder
of books. The research on reading states that the child who
associates reading with a warm comfortable lap grows up to be the
best and most avid reader. Head to your local library or check out
those garage sales for used books. Keep your child’s favorite titles
handy-no matter how old he is.
про тайм-ауты
I like to recommend that parents of spirited kids think of
time-out as a basketball coach does: an opportunity to take a
break from the action, refresh the body, and pull the game plan
back together. Watch a basketball team. The players are out on
the court with the score tied. The ball goes up, spins on the rim,
and pops back out. Chaos erupts as elbows jab and hands grab in
the fight for the ball. “Time-out!” screams the coach. The players
trot to the sideline. The coach pulls them in tight, pointing to
the game board on his lap. Heads begin to nod, fists unclench,
and even a few slight smiles appear. A break in the action, a
minute to rest, and a chance to pull the game plan back together-
this is a time-out in sports
Children need to be taught what a relaxed body feels like inside.
They need to understand that a time-out is not over until
that sense of peacefulness fills their bodies and their heart has
slowed. That’s why you can’t just send young children to their
room alone. You have to go with them, talk softly, rub their back
if they like it and stay with them until that rosy, good feeling is
inside their bodies and their breathing has slowed. Only then is
it time to move back onto the “playing floor.”
Про споры и конфликты
“You have a better
chance of changing your child’s mind and avoiding an argument
if you understand what he’s thinking.” Most of us have been
taught to listen for weaknesses-the points where we can jump in
and nail our adversary to the wall. Listening for understanding requires
that we stop everything else we’re doing and think about
what our children are saying. It does not mean looking for an
opening for ourselves or thinking about what we will say next.
When you are upset yourself, you may have to go back to the
“keeping your cool” techniques, explained in chapter 7, and say
to your child, “Wait. I have to have a minute for myself before I
can really listen to you.” Then step back, take a breath, and cool
yourself down.
Once you are calm, you can say to your child, “I am listening.
I am trying to understand.” The problem of course is how
are you going to respond? Do you give in or do you hang tough?
Principled negotiation focuses not on what each side says it will
or won’t do but on finding common interests and solutions. It allows
us to develop a relationship with our children that fosters a
sense of teamwork: two individuals working together, respecting
each other and finding solutions that allow both a sense of dignity
and personal power. This is the kind of relationship that
keeps our spirited kids working with us-and can even make the
teen years much easier to manage.
подтверждает мои мысли про телевизор
Spirited kids tend to love videos and computers. My suspicion
is that they seek it to calm themselves. The bright colors,
quick movement, and fast pace seem to entrance them. As a result,
it is very tempting to allow spirited kids to watch television
or play video games for a few hours because for that period of
time they’ll be quiet and won’t demand anything from you. Beware!
You’ll pay for it later. Rather than calming them, it stimulates
them. Spirited kids don’t just watch videos; they become the characters.
You can almost see their personality changing before your
eyes. Turn it off and you’ll have a maniac tearing around the
house. The amount of stimulation they receive overwhelms them
and makes them wild and uncooperative. Limit the amount of
television your spirited children watch to prevent overstimulation.
Spirited kids are the emotional barometer of any group. Not only
do lights, noise, and other sensations lead to overstimulation for
them, but so does an overabundance of stress. They have a keen
radar for anyone who is in the red zone. If you are distressed or
harried, they will be the first to respond. You might not think
they are picking up the fears or anxieties that you are coping
with, but they do-even as an infant.
про отвлекающихся (очень понравилась мне история)
I was standing at a checkout in the discount store one day. A
day-care provider with three preschoolers in tow was attempting
to make a purchase.
“Tim, over here,” she called. Tim stood in his tracks.
“Tim, I need you to come over here,” she repeated sternly. No
movement. Finally she went over to him, touched his shoulder,
and growled, “Tim, I asked you to come over here.”
He looked up at her with his finger at his lips. “Shhhh, listen
to the bell. I hate it.” he whispered.
I tensed, straining to hear the bell. At first I couldn’t distinguish
anything, then suddenly I realized he was talking about the
bell rung by the Salvation Army person soliciting donations outside
the store. The day-care provider was also puzzled. She darted
a glance around the store, but seeing no bell she started to speak
again. It was then that the faint tinkle of the bell reached her.
“The Salvation Army bell,” she exclaimed, her brow wrinkled in
exasperation. “You hate the Salvation Army bell?”
“It reminds me of morning,” he soberly replied. “Every morning
when the bell rings, I have to get up!”
From outside appearances it looked as if Tim wasn’t listening.
In fact, he was. The problem arose because he heard every sound
around him and didn’t know which was the most important for
him to tune in to and respond to. He heard the day-care provider,
but he did not react because he was attending to the bell outside.
He wasn’t being willful. He was doing what his brain was telling
him to do.
и еще одна история, которую я пытаюсь держать в голове
I was visiting a preschool when one of the children, a new arrival
to the class, dashed across the room. It was the kind of action
that often solicits a firm warning like “WATCH OUT” or
“STOP,” or even a time-out for inappropriate behavior. But instead
of reprimanding him, his teacher redirected him to what
she wanted him to do. Catching him mid-stride, she softly whispered
in his ear, “Damon, in this classroom, we walk slowly.”
Then in an animated voice, she declared, “Let’s practice!” Standing
tall, puffing out her chest and lifting each leg in an exaggerated
step, she began walking toward the table. Holding her hand,
he matched her stride for stride. When they reached their destination,
both were laughing as she offered him a high five in congratulations.
Pointing to a red chair across the room, she
challenged him, “Try again, this time on your own!” Slowly, methodically
he moved forward. Each step a concentrated effort of
controlling his body. Reaching the chair, he turned to her with a
huge grin on his face. “You are really learning!” she exclaimed.
“That’s how we walk in our classroom.” He smiled, confident in
his new skill.
Yet not two minutes later, excited by the sight of a new toy,
he raced from the table to the loft. As she went after him, she
bent down and whispered to him once more, “Remember how we
walk slowly?” He nodded gravely and calmly took her hand as she
moved him back to the table with her. “Try again,” she invited
him, “I know you can do it.” And then she stood back, to validate
his efforts. Once more he deliberately took one step and
then another, each time looking back over his shoulder for her
nod of approval. When he reached his destination, she moved
toward him, beaming. “I knew you could do it!” Now standing in
the loft, he flashed a smile, then leaned down and gave her a big,
tight hug! “Thanks!” he declared.
про тех кому тяжело переносить перемены. главный совет: ALLOW TIME
Over the years I have learned that every five minutes spent in
prevention saves you fifteen minutes of turmoil. If you would like
more time in your day, allow more time for transitions with your
spirited child. Slow-to-adapt kids are not wasting time. They are
warming up, working into the change. This is especially true
when the transition isn’t part of your normal routine.
The timing of forewarnings is important. Some kids need to
be told hours, days, even weeks in advance what they will be
doing. This gives them time to ask their questions and mentally
prepare. Others will mull it over and get wired if you tell them
too far in advance. You’ll have to decide what works best for your
child.
Spirited children need to hear:
You feel uncomfortable the first day your stepsister comes to
stay with us because it changes our routine. You can say,
“I’m having a tough time.”
Change is difficult for you, but you can change and you do all
of the time. Remember last week when you . . .
The shift from school to home is very tough for you, but together
we can come up with a plan to make it better.
You like to know what to expect. Let’s talk about the plan for
the day.
I think you are upset because you were surprised.
I can wait for you to finish. Or, where would you like to save
it?
You can be flexible.
Our family works together. I will respect you, but I also need
you to work with me.
Про истерики
That’s why the typical advice for handling temper tantrums
doesn’t work with spirited children. A spill-over tantrum can’t be
stopped by ignoring it because your child is dealing with a temperamental
issue that has triggered a physical reaction and sent
him squarely into the red zone. Your child needs you to help him
discover the source of the emotional flood and stop it. He needs
your direction to help him calm himself and regain self-control.
Without that direction, he can rage for hours because his inner
restraints have busted, letting loose a hurricane of wild emotions.
Recognizing that this tantrum is a spill-over tantrum is not
giving in. It is being respectful of your child’s temperament and
acknowledging her limits. With your guidance, she will become
more capable and better able to cope, but that takes time. Until
then you have to be sensitive to her limits and help her to be successful.
It’s true the behavior is inappropriate, but this is not the
teachable moment. You will come back to teach your child the
words and actions you expect him to take later, when he’s calm.
Самая моя любимая глава: Planning for Success
1. Predict the reactions
2. Organize the setting
3. Work together
4. Enjoy the Rewards
KNOW WHEN TO QUIT: Spirited kids can be successful in restaurants,
amusement fairs, traveling in the car, and just about anywhere,
as long as we realistically consider the length of time we
expect them to behave well.
RECOGNIZE YOUR CHILD’S ACHIEVEMENTS: It is very easy with a
spirited child to focus on what she has done wrong instead of
what she has done right. Let your child know how proud you are
of her good behavior. Say it with smiles, hugs, and words. If you
have not been taught to celebrate strengths, you may find this
difficult to do.
Больше для себя для памяти цитаты. Поэтому так много и без перевода, извините.
Дочитала Raising your spirited child. Для меня это во многом глоток свежего воздуха. Не потому что я вдруг поняла, что Полька пренадлежит к какой-то особой редкой группе (мне эта часть как раз мешала книгу читать, не знаю почему, не люблю ярлыки), не потому что там были новые волшебные методы (хотя интересно есть), а потому что книга дала мне уверенность. Очень многие методы описываемые там - именно, что я делаю. Но вокруг я всегда чувствую неодобрение, что я слишком нянчусь, слишком прогибаюсь и тп, а тут читаю "мои" методы как вполне легимитные. И читаю подтверждение своим ощущениям, что просто нужно время и другие методы.
Нравится, что в конце каждой главы кратко ссуммировано основное
Читаю и улыбаюсь (вспоминая как именно Поля выражала протест против купания и сна в саду):
Some children react so strongly that they will vomit. Some experts raise a warning that to respond sympathetically is to be controlled by your child. “If they vomit,” they advise, “clean it up and put them back to bed.” But small children don’t vomit to control their parents; they vomit because they are stressed. They also rarely vomit in a neat little pile. There is nothing worse than walking into a room with vomit sprayed on the walls, the carpet, stuffed animals, and each individual bar of the crib. If your child is prone to vomiting, go to him, help him to take deep breaths and calm down so that he won’t regurgitate. Your support at this point will save you both a great deal of frustration and discomfort when you are much too tired to deal with it
A highly intense infant will strive to stay in physical contact with you. Odds are he will scream the minute his body touches the sleeping surface. If you are comfortable keeping him with you in a sling, feel free to do so, but if you’d like him to sleep on another surface as well, I will recommend a little “nudge
USE YOUR IMAGINATION: Spirited kids have wonderful imaginations. You can use this to motivate them to dress. Ask them what they would like to be this morning, perhaps an astronaut, a firefighter, or even Santa Claus. Once they’ve chosen their character, pretend the clothes you are putting on them are their costumes. As you put on their socks, make them astronaut socks. Slide on a sweater that is an oxygen pack. Pull a shirt over their head that is a space suit. Have fun with it. Becoming an astronaut is much more motivating than putting on old brown corduroys. It’s also easier for your child to keep his cool when his mind is focused on something interesting and fun. COMPROMISE: You can also motivate the can’t-do kid by agreeing to put on one sock, then encouraging your child to put on the other. You put on the T-shirt; he puts on the sweater. As you do it, talk with him about the upcoming day. The distraction can help him move through the task without getting frustrated. Gradually you will want to pull out of this process doing less and less until your child is dressing on his own. You may still have to sit in the room while he dresses, but at least he is getting the clothes on.
Думаю из этой цитаты понятно про что я:) Если коротко описать что они считают spirited: впечатлительные, упорные, чувствительные (к звукам, запахам и тп), восприимчивые (легко отвлекающиеся на все окружающее), очень медленно превыкающие к переменам (даже простым, типа проснуться утром, зайти в класс в школе, уйти из школы). И хотя это все описывает Польку, мне не нравится думать о ней как какой-то проблемной. Но в целом книга по-моему для всех, так как каждая оставляющая разбирается отдельно, с методами решения проблем. А так же отдельно главы про еду, отход ко сну, подарки и праздники. в общем, очень больные для меня темы:)
Понравился совет про ярлыки. Мы часто жалуемся на детей, которые упрямые, шумные и тп. Но если про упрямого думать как про настойчивого, про шумного как энергичного и драматичного, про отвлекающегося как про восприимчивого, про манипулятора как про харизматичного - нам самим уже легче. В принципе, в случае с Полькой меня этой проблемы нет, но есть у других людей с ней же. И мне очень помог совет из этой книги в беседах в продленке. Когда они жаловались, что она ревет и не идет в продленку, я могла не защищаться, а согласиться, но сделать это позитивнее "да, она очень чувствительна к переменам. тяжело быть впечатлительным, может предоставим ей шанс посидеть в офисе и настроиться на остаток дня в продленке?". Жалко я в саду про это не знала, мне было бы легче воспринимать критику Инеке что Полька тянет на себя внимание и громко говорит:)
If your child is temperamentally sensitive, hearing, smelling,
and feeling things that you may not even discern, you can expect
that food, clothing, crowds, noisy celebrations, and other sensory
loaded activities will easily trigger him. Now when it happens, instead
of worrying that he is being obnoxious or naughty on purpose,
you can recognize it for what it is: his first and most natural
reaction, a reaction you can help him learn to manage.
Читая книгу я поняла, что и сама по всем пунктам подхожу под их "определение", и может поэтому для меня особой проблемы нет почувствовать и понять, но у Димки ого-го какие проблемы, так как вот они совсем разные. Димка ближе к Лехе (из-за чего у них часто искрит до пожаров).
Читаю и жалею, что все-таки редко нам приходится встречать таких учителей:
Seth is a five-year-old spirited introvert. During his Early
Childhood Family Education (ECFE) class he played beautifully
with the other children until the end. That’s when he got tired
Extrovert or Introvert 83
and needed to dip into his “preferred” energy account. Unfortunately,
when he first started the class, he didn’t know how to accomplish
this properly. As a result, he got his time alone by
hitting. At first his teacher didn’t understand what he was doing
and got upset with him. Then, by watching him closely, she realized
that Seth needed a quick introvert “fix” at this time of the
day. Now when she sees him start to misbehave or hears him
complain that someone is too close or bothering him, she says,
“Seth, I think you need a break. Let’s go out to the lobby and get
your coat. You can help me gather the materials for the other kids.”
That five-minute break from people and action recharges Seth
and gives him the energy he needs to make it through the transition
from school to home. Seth’s teacher is hopeful that in the near
future he will be able to ask for a break instead of hitting to get one.
Воооот!
To keep their energy high, extroverts need feedback,
love feedback, and can’t get enough feedback. A few words
of positive reinforcement and the extrovert is flying high, ready
to roll. Introverts may wonder why so much reinforcement is
needed.
Your spirited extrovert needs feedback to recharge. She isn’t
just nagging when she asks for your reassurance or response. It
isn’t a sign of poor self-esteem when she needs your words of encouragement.
Feedback refuels her energy bank.
It’s very likely that you have indeed felt your child’s cues in
your gut but may have ignored them because you were too tired
or rushing to get somewhere. Perhaps you ignored them because
you thought responding to these cues reinforces your child’s negative
behavior, but reading the cues is like smelling smoke. If you
follow up quickly, you may be able to smother the fire before it
engulfs you, saving you an hour of total turmoil. As you catch the cues, tell the kids what you see.
Ultimately we want the children to catch their growing intensity
themselves, to rely on their inner control rather than our
control. By giving them the words, we can expect that by the
time they are three and a half or four years of age, we will be hearing
things like: “Mom, I’m starting to bounce off the walls, help
me.”
Three-year-old Al is a blond, tousled-haired minitornado.
“I’ve got gusto,” he informed me. “My dad says it’s okay to do
things with gusto-as long as you don’t hurt anybody!”
“I’m full of it,” a five-year-old shared, “just like my Grandpa
Dick.”
“My mom plays whisper games with me to help me practice
my soft voice because usually I’ve very dramatic,” six-year-old
Chrissie exclaimed.
“I have powerful reactions,” eight-year-old Kerry told me.
These children, as young as three (and sometimes even two)
understand their intensity and feel good about it. They haven’t
been told they were wild, aggressive, or mean. The words to describe
their intensity have focused on the vim, vigor, and energy
racing through their body in a positive way. It is those words that
help them to feel comfortable with their intensity rather than
embarrassed or frightened by it. As a result, they don’t have to
run wild, scream, hit, or throw things to express themselves-at
least most of the time. They can talk about it instead.
Ооо, сколько раз меня спасал этот метод, так что у польки дошло до рефлекса (устала - надо читать):
Many parents of spirited children
have found the simple act of pulling out a book and inviting
their child to sit on their lap or next to them, especially in a
rocker or glider, is all that is needed to diffuse an accelerating intensity
level. Not only does your child learn the power of reading
to manage her strong feelings but she is also exposed to the wonder
of books. The research on reading states that the child who
associates reading with a warm comfortable lap grows up to be the
best and most avid reader. Head to your local library or check out
those garage sales for used books. Keep your child’s favorite titles
handy-no matter how old he is.
про тайм-ауты
I like to recommend that parents of spirited kids think of
time-out as a basketball coach does: an opportunity to take a
break from the action, refresh the body, and pull the game plan
back together. Watch a basketball team. The players are out on
the court with the score tied. The ball goes up, spins on the rim,
and pops back out. Chaos erupts as elbows jab and hands grab in
the fight for the ball. “Time-out!” screams the coach. The players
trot to the sideline. The coach pulls them in tight, pointing to
the game board on his lap. Heads begin to nod, fists unclench,
and even a few slight smiles appear. A break in the action, a
minute to rest, and a chance to pull the game plan back together-
this is a time-out in sports
Children need to be taught what a relaxed body feels like inside.
They need to understand that a time-out is not over until
that sense of peacefulness fills their bodies and their heart has
slowed. That’s why you can’t just send young children to their
room alone. You have to go with them, talk softly, rub their back
if they like it and stay with them until that rosy, good feeling is
inside their bodies and their breathing has slowed. Only then is
it time to move back onto the “playing floor.”
Про споры и конфликты
“You have a better
chance of changing your child’s mind and avoiding an argument
if you understand what he’s thinking.” Most of us have been
taught to listen for weaknesses-the points where we can jump in
and nail our adversary to the wall. Listening for understanding requires
that we stop everything else we’re doing and think about
what our children are saying. It does not mean looking for an
opening for ourselves or thinking about what we will say next.
When you are upset yourself, you may have to go back to the
“keeping your cool” techniques, explained in chapter 7, and say
to your child, “Wait. I have to have a minute for myself before I
can really listen to you.” Then step back, take a breath, and cool
yourself down.
Once you are calm, you can say to your child, “I am listening.
I am trying to understand.” The problem of course is how
are you going to respond? Do you give in or do you hang tough?
Principled negotiation focuses not on what each side says it will
or won’t do but on finding common interests and solutions. It allows
us to develop a relationship with our children that fosters a
sense of teamwork: two individuals working together, respecting
each other and finding solutions that allow both a sense of dignity
and personal power. This is the kind of relationship that
keeps our spirited kids working with us-and can even make the
teen years much easier to manage.
подтверждает мои мысли про телевизор
Spirited kids tend to love videos and computers. My suspicion
is that they seek it to calm themselves. The bright colors,
quick movement, and fast pace seem to entrance them. As a result,
it is very tempting to allow spirited kids to watch television
or play video games for a few hours because for that period of
time they’ll be quiet and won’t demand anything from you. Beware!
You’ll pay for it later. Rather than calming them, it stimulates
them. Spirited kids don’t just watch videos; they become the characters.
You can almost see their personality changing before your
eyes. Turn it off and you’ll have a maniac tearing around the
house. The amount of stimulation they receive overwhelms them
and makes them wild and uncooperative. Limit the amount of
television your spirited children watch to prevent overstimulation.
Spirited kids are the emotional barometer of any group. Not only
do lights, noise, and other sensations lead to overstimulation for
them, but so does an overabundance of stress. They have a keen
radar for anyone who is in the red zone. If you are distressed or
harried, they will be the first to respond. You might not think
they are picking up the fears or anxieties that you are coping
with, but they do-even as an infant.
про отвлекающихся (очень понравилась мне история)
I was standing at a checkout in the discount store one day. A
day-care provider with three preschoolers in tow was attempting
to make a purchase.
“Tim, over here,” she called. Tim stood in his tracks.
“Tim, I need you to come over here,” she repeated sternly. No
movement. Finally she went over to him, touched his shoulder,
and growled, “Tim, I asked you to come over here.”
He looked up at her with his finger at his lips. “Shhhh, listen
to the bell. I hate it.” he whispered.
I tensed, straining to hear the bell. At first I couldn’t distinguish
anything, then suddenly I realized he was talking about the
bell rung by the Salvation Army person soliciting donations outside
the store. The day-care provider was also puzzled. She darted
a glance around the store, but seeing no bell she started to speak
again. It was then that the faint tinkle of the bell reached her.
“The Salvation Army bell,” she exclaimed, her brow wrinkled in
exasperation. “You hate the Salvation Army bell?”
“It reminds me of morning,” he soberly replied. “Every morning
when the bell rings, I have to get up!”
From outside appearances it looked as if Tim wasn’t listening.
In fact, he was. The problem arose because he heard every sound
around him and didn’t know which was the most important for
him to tune in to and respond to. He heard the day-care provider,
but he did not react because he was attending to the bell outside.
He wasn’t being willful. He was doing what his brain was telling
him to do.
и еще одна история, которую я пытаюсь держать в голове
I was visiting a preschool when one of the children, a new arrival
to the class, dashed across the room. It was the kind of action
that often solicits a firm warning like “WATCH OUT” or
“STOP,” or even a time-out for inappropriate behavior. But instead
of reprimanding him, his teacher redirected him to what
she wanted him to do. Catching him mid-stride, she softly whispered
in his ear, “Damon, in this classroom, we walk slowly.”
Then in an animated voice, she declared, “Let’s practice!” Standing
tall, puffing out her chest and lifting each leg in an exaggerated
step, she began walking toward the table. Holding her hand,
he matched her stride for stride. When they reached their destination,
both were laughing as she offered him a high five in congratulations.
Pointing to a red chair across the room, she
challenged him, “Try again, this time on your own!” Slowly, methodically
he moved forward. Each step a concentrated effort of
controlling his body. Reaching the chair, he turned to her with a
huge grin on his face. “You are really learning!” she exclaimed.
“That’s how we walk in our classroom.” He smiled, confident in
his new skill.
Yet not two minutes later, excited by the sight of a new toy,
he raced from the table to the loft. As she went after him, she
bent down and whispered to him once more, “Remember how we
walk slowly?” He nodded gravely and calmly took her hand as she
moved him back to the table with her. “Try again,” she invited
him, “I know you can do it.” And then she stood back, to validate
his efforts. Once more he deliberately took one step and
then another, each time looking back over his shoulder for her
nod of approval. When he reached his destination, she moved
toward him, beaming. “I knew you could do it!” Now standing in
the loft, he flashed a smile, then leaned down and gave her a big,
tight hug! “Thanks!” he declared.
про тех кому тяжело переносить перемены. главный совет: ALLOW TIME
Over the years I have learned that every five minutes spent in
prevention saves you fifteen minutes of turmoil. If you would like
more time in your day, allow more time for transitions with your
spirited child. Slow-to-adapt kids are not wasting time. They are
warming up, working into the change. This is especially true
when the transition isn’t part of your normal routine.
The timing of forewarnings is important. Some kids need to
be told hours, days, even weeks in advance what they will be
doing. This gives them time to ask their questions and mentally
prepare. Others will mull it over and get wired if you tell them
too far in advance. You’ll have to decide what works best for your
child.
Spirited children need to hear:
You feel uncomfortable the first day your stepsister comes to
stay with us because it changes our routine. You can say,
“I’m having a tough time.”
Change is difficult for you, but you can change and you do all
of the time. Remember last week when you . . .
The shift from school to home is very tough for you, but together
we can come up with a plan to make it better.
You like to know what to expect. Let’s talk about the plan for
the day.
I think you are upset because you were surprised.
I can wait for you to finish. Or, where would you like to save
it?
You can be flexible.
Our family works together. I will respect you, but I also need
you to work with me.
Про истерики
That’s why the typical advice for handling temper tantrums
doesn’t work with spirited children. A spill-over tantrum can’t be
stopped by ignoring it because your child is dealing with a temperamental
issue that has triggered a physical reaction and sent
him squarely into the red zone. Your child needs you to help him
discover the source of the emotional flood and stop it. He needs
your direction to help him calm himself and regain self-control.
Without that direction, he can rage for hours because his inner
restraints have busted, letting loose a hurricane of wild emotions.
Recognizing that this tantrum is a spill-over tantrum is not
giving in. It is being respectful of your child’s temperament and
acknowledging her limits. With your guidance, she will become
more capable and better able to cope, but that takes time. Until
then you have to be sensitive to her limits and help her to be successful.
It’s true the behavior is inappropriate, but this is not the
teachable moment. You will come back to teach your child the
words and actions you expect him to take later, when he’s calm.
Самая моя любимая глава: Planning for Success
1. Predict the reactions
2. Organize the setting
3. Work together
4. Enjoy the Rewards
KNOW WHEN TO QUIT: Spirited kids can be successful in restaurants,
amusement fairs, traveling in the car, and just about anywhere,
as long as we realistically consider the length of time we
expect them to behave well.
RECOGNIZE YOUR CHILD’S ACHIEVEMENTS: It is very easy with a
spirited child to focus on what she has done wrong instead of
what she has done right. Let your child know how proud you are
of her good behavior. Say it with smiles, hugs, and words. If you
have not been taught to celebrate strengths, you may find this
difficult to do.