(no subject)
I really shouldn't be posting.,
Its after 1 and I have to be at 7 for work in the morning.
But regardless, I'm posting.
I haven't posted in a long time, primerly because I came to the realization that the reason I get upset is because I overanalyze- and part of overanalyzing is typing in here. I'm trying to make myself not overthink things, and to just accept life.
So far its been working fairly well- not amazing, but definitely helped get a better grasp on life.
But have you ever had that moment where you suddenly stop and sit up and really look at where you are... and it totally shocks you?? Its like... you're painting a wall and you just keep painting nad painting, and suddenly you stop and realize that even though you're still painting you've somehow switched houses, switched paint colors, and are actually in fact not painting like you thought but cooking dinner.
Ok REALLY wierd analogy- but I feel like I've been going through life being me, doing the same thing, thinking I was the same person, and then over the last three days I suddenly stopped and realized that even though I think I'm being the same person I'm actually someone completely different, and while I wasn't paying attention my life completely changed.
Some perspective might clarify-
I have this new friend named Kate. Ok she's not really 'new' per say, she's the girl I met over the summer who without a doubt has become my best friend here. Kate and I.... are the same person. its not even a 'we're twins separated at birth', we ARE the same person. The specifics of our lives are different, and she is a year younger, but we've gone through the same stuff, have very parallel interests and motivations, and connect on a level I've never connected with anyone else, ever before.
She was the one and only person when things were so bad a month or so ago who told me I wasn't crazy for trying ot work things out with Andy. When everyone else was telling me there was something fundamentally and psychologically wrong with me for wanting to stay in that relationship and making me question my sanity, she was the one person who looked me in the eyes and said "I think you're right that he still cares about you- I know he's being a jerk now, but based on everything you told me, I think you're right, because I've been in his shoes"
two nights later I find out that two years ago when he was completely ignoring me and everyone was worried about how depressed I was and pissed off that I kept saying I thought he still cared- I was right. i thought something about me was so screwed up that even though he was ignoring me, ignoring my phone calls, trying to send out hte message that we were over, and just generally being a jackass... I still couldn't accept it was over and was sure he still wanted to be with me. And now, two years later, I found out that... I was right. Completely and totally. he admitted that the reason he never even got close to hooking up with anyone during that time or even really looking for another relationship was because he was scared he would permanently screw things up with me
Long complicated story follows, and an even deeper explanation to the above story that I will not ever be typing out or posting or ever really conveying to anyone for fear of overanalyzing, but basically the take home point- is she's one of the few, if not the only, person in my life who really seems to be able to read my mind and relate to me because she's the exact same way.
That being said I went over to her house on Sunday night to watch the finale of Rock of Love because that was our current weekly tv fix (Before it was greek, now its greys) and somehow we got onto a talking spree afterwards. It started with the fact that we're both having similar friends issues- getting people together, not being part of a group, etc
which led to a talk about how my mom keeps giving me pressure to find a good church
which led to a discussion about our views on religion
and she told me about how in middle school she was really active in her youth group because they had this amazing youth leader who let them question and expand and grow, and the youth blossomed under her. And how she was part of this core group of about 7 kids who refused to take things at face value and instead questioned everything, but it was disrupting sunday school, so they started hosting their own bible studies and discussion groups on separate nights to explore all kinds of faiths and ideas. But it was hard on her because everyone at the church knew who she was because her parents were so active, and she started dating a guy from the youth group and that became hard as everyone butted in, but then in early high school there was controversy at the church and the youth leader ended up leaving for lack of support and the youth program deteriorated and eventually she became so fed up with church politics and the antics of "christians" that she lost faith in organized religion and has since spent the last couple of years trying to figure things out. She's so angry at god for some stuff that happened in her life that year, not just hte church crap, but other stuff as well, that it was easiest to be mad at God because she knew it wouldn't chase him away, and now she's having trouble completely putting into words what she beleives in- she just knows her faith is very personal and is real but isn't exactly what the normal church would understand.
That's her. What she said.
Sound familiar?
I guess that would only really hit you if you went to Estero, or (And I don't think anyone who reads this would apply) knew me well enough in middle/early high school to really know my life outside of school.
But it made me start thinking back to the old days. To my childhood. To days of running around EUMC with the youth group, setting up pumpkin patches, baking cookies really late the night before a summer trip, taking pictures in the trees with Jena and Sarah, playing crazy games with Chris behind the backdrop of VBS skits laughing our asses off, the year or so of my relationship with Bryan- which was also the summer of Youth 2003
It all seems so long ago but then yet so wierd to think that it wasn't just yesterday.I've truly moved on and that's so weird to realize. I guess part of me still thinks that I'm in some part angry and bitter over what happened, but I'm not- Its a part of my past life and that's weird to think about.
I spent part of the evening reading posts on the CA Classic that Chris made.
So long ago.
There was one post where Sarah was lamenting the fact that we never hung out anymore as a group, how our united group had fallen apart, and then went on about how we were NEVER going to just grow apart as we got older, that she would hunt us all down and never let us go.
But maybe moving on is a good thing... I don't know. I certianly miss my old friends, truthfully and honestly, I do. I feel like every so often I strike things up again, with Sarah, Jena and Chris, and we'll talk back and forth for a week or two and then things will get busy again adn eventually one of us will just not respond to the last message.
I'm almost 21. I'm an adult. When did that happen? No seriously? I have my own car- I drive myself around to get groceries and run errands. I go by myself to get my hair cut, to buy a new bed. I take care of my own doctor's appointments, I took care of finding a job and I manage my own bank account. I've been in a fairly serious, if not turbulent, relationship for 2 1/2 years... and on top of that i picked up and moved myself seven hours away from where I was because I realized my life wasn't what i wanted it to be.
Who am I now? I feel like part of me still clings to an old image that is no longer applicable. I always say my interests are in part theatre- but aside from Tempest I can't remember the last time i saw or was in a play.
I don't want to lose who I was- but at the same time growing up is inevitable and important. People change as they get older, and its sad to think that you outgrow friendships.No that's a bad way to phrase it... sometimes the friendship doesn't grow with the people. Is that bad, is that good? I have so many friends scattered different places, especially now that I transferred and left my Furman friends behind, that its impossible to maintain close relationships with all the people I want to. And besides you can't let yourself dwell in the past- you have to enjoy your life as its happening, and unfortuantely when someone isn't physically in your life its hard to strike that balance between keeping them in your life enough that they are still active but at the same time not holding back because you're always ocmmunicating with the person who isn't there.
Andy and I somehow made it work, sort of, and that shocks me to really think about.
Where is the CA now? I know Chris is living in the Panhandle.. Jena reenlisted, Sarah's dating Nick P now and i'm assuming still living in Orlando... Kelsey.... who knows... Janal... I think she's still in Kentucky... or Louisiana... or Alabama or something like that... Bryan...
We move on, we grow up, we change in ways we never expected. Its just wierd to see myself in the mirror now and realize that the person I was all those years is gone. I'm happy with who I am now, I think I have a strength of character that was never there before. I've outgrown some neuroses.... developed others...
but there is a huge part of me that will always regret that I let my childhood escape me. That I let friends drift away who for so long were my everything.
The CA was a way of life.... it didn't cure cancer, but boy it sure was neat
Its after 1 and I have to be at 7 for work in the morning.
But regardless, I'm posting.
I haven't posted in a long time, primerly because I came to the realization that the reason I get upset is because I overanalyze- and part of overanalyzing is typing in here. I'm trying to make myself not overthink things, and to just accept life.
So far its been working fairly well- not amazing, but definitely helped get a better grasp on life.
But have you ever had that moment where you suddenly stop and sit up and really look at where you are... and it totally shocks you?? Its like... you're painting a wall and you just keep painting nad painting, and suddenly you stop and realize that even though you're still painting you've somehow switched houses, switched paint colors, and are actually in fact not painting like you thought but cooking dinner.
Ok REALLY wierd analogy- but I feel like I've been going through life being me, doing the same thing, thinking I was the same person, and then over the last three days I suddenly stopped and realized that even though I think I'm being the same person I'm actually someone completely different, and while I wasn't paying attention my life completely changed.
Some perspective might clarify-
I have this new friend named Kate. Ok she's not really 'new' per say, she's the girl I met over the summer who without a doubt has become my best friend here. Kate and I.... are the same person. its not even a 'we're twins separated at birth', we ARE the same person. The specifics of our lives are different, and she is a year younger, but we've gone through the same stuff, have very parallel interests and motivations, and connect on a level I've never connected with anyone else, ever before.
She was the one and only person when things were so bad a month or so ago who told me I wasn't crazy for trying ot work things out with Andy. When everyone else was telling me there was something fundamentally and psychologically wrong with me for wanting to stay in that relationship and making me question my sanity, she was the one person who looked me in the eyes and said "I think you're right that he still cares about you- I know he's being a jerk now, but based on everything you told me, I think you're right, because I've been in his shoes"
two nights later I find out that two years ago when he was completely ignoring me and everyone was worried about how depressed I was and pissed off that I kept saying I thought he still cared- I was right. i thought something about me was so screwed up that even though he was ignoring me, ignoring my phone calls, trying to send out hte message that we were over, and just generally being a jackass... I still couldn't accept it was over and was sure he still wanted to be with me. And now, two years later, I found out that... I was right. Completely and totally. he admitted that the reason he never even got close to hooking up with anyone during that time or even really looking for another relationship was because he was scared he would permanently screw things up with me
Long complicated story follows, and an even deeper explanation to the above story that I will not ever be typing out or posting or ever really conveying to anyone for fear of overanalyzing, but basically the take home point- is she's one of the few, if not the only, person in my life who really seems to be able to read my mind and relate to me because she's the exact same way.
That being said I went over to her house on Sunday night to watch the finale of Rock of Love because that was our current weekly tv fix (Before it was greek, now its greys) and somehow we got onto a talking spree afterwards. It started with the fact that we're both having similar friends issues- getting people together, not being part of a group, etc
which led to a talk about how my mom keeps giving me pressure to find a good church
which led to a discussion about our views on religion
and she told me about how in middle school she was really active in her youth group because they had this amazing youth leader who let them question and expand and grow, and the youth blossomed under her. And how she was part of this core group of about 7 kids who refused to take things at face value and instead questioned everything, but it was disrupting sunday school, so they started hosting their own bible studies and discussion groups on separate nights to explore all kinds of faiths and ideas. But it was hard on her because everyone at the church knew who she was because her parents were so active, and she started dating a guy from the youth group and that became hard as everyone butted in, but then in early high school there was controversy at the church and the youth leader ended up leaving for lack of support and the youth program deteriorated and eventually she became so fed up with church politics and the antics of "christians" that she lost faith in organized religion and has since spent the last couple of years trying to figure things out. She's so angry at god for some stuff that happened in her life that year, not just hte church crap, but other stuff as well, that it was easiest to be mad at God because she knew it wouldn't chase him away, and now she's having trouble completely putting into words what she beleives in- she just knows her faith is very personal and is real but isn't exactly what the normal church would understand.
That's her. What she said.
Sound familiar?
I guess that would only really hit you if you went to Estero, or (And I don't think anyone who reads this would apply) knew me well enough in middle/early high school to really know my life outside of school.
But it made me start thinking back to the old days. To my childhood. To days of running around EUMC with the youth group, setting up pumpkin patches, baking cookies really late the night before a summer trip, taking pictures in the trees with Jena and Sarah, playing crazy games with Chris behind the backdrop of VBS skits laughing our asses off, the year or so of my relationship with Bryan- which was also the summer of Youth 2003
It all seems so long ago but then yet so wierd to think that it wasn't just yesterday.I've truly moved on and that's so weird to realize. I guess part of me still thinks that I'm in some part angry and bitter over what happened, but I'm not- Its a part of my past life and that's weird to think about.
I spent part of the evening reading posts on the CA Classic that Chris made.
So long ago.
There was one post where Sarah was lamenting the fact that we never hung out anymore as a group, how our united group had fallen apart, and then went on about how we were NEVER going to just grow apart as we got older, that she would hunt us all down and never let us go.
But maybe moving on is a good thing... I don't know. I certianly miss my old friends, truthfully and honestly, I do. I feel like every so often I strike things up again, with Sarah, Jena and Chris, and we'll talk back and forth for a week or two and then things will get busy again adn eventually one of us will just not respond to the last message.
I'm almost 21. I'm an adult. When did that happen? No seriously? I have my own car- I drive myself around to get groceries and run errands. I go by myself to get my hair cut, to buy a new bed. I take care of my own doctor's appointments, I took care of finding a job and I manage my own bank account. I've been in a fairly serious, if not turbulent, relationship for 2 1/2 years... and on top of that i picked up and moved myself seven hours away from where I was because I realized my life wasn't what i wanted it to be.
Who am I now? I feel like part of me still clings to an old image that is no longer applicable. I always say my interests are in part theatre- but aside from Tempest I can't remember the last time i saw or was in a play.
I don't want to lose who I was- but at the same time growing up is inevitable and important. People change as they get older, and its sad to think that you outgrow friendships.No that's a bad way to phrase it... sometimes the friendship doesn't grow with the people. Is that bad, is that good? I have so many friends scattered different places, especially now that I transferred and left my Furman friends behind, that its impossible to maintain close relationships with all the people I want to. And besides you can't let yourself dwell in the past- you have to enjoy your life as its happening, and unfortuantely when someone isn't physically in your life its hard to strike that balance between keeping them in your life enough that they are still active but at the same time not holding back because you're always ocmmunicating with the person who isn't there.
Andy and I somehow made it work, sort of, and that shocks me to really think about.
Where is the CA now? I know Chris is living in the Panhandle.. Jena reenlisted, Sarah's dating Nick P now and i'm assuming still living in Orlando... Kelsey.... who knows... Janal... I think she's still in Kentucky... or Louisiana... or Alabama or something like that... Bryan...
We move on, we grow up, we change in ways we never expected. Its just wierd to see myself in the mirror now and realize that the person I was all those years is gone. I'm happy with who I am now, I think I have a strength of character that was never there before. I've outgrown some neuroses.... developed others...
but there is a huge part of me that will always regret that I let my childhood escape me. That I let friends drift away who for so long were my everything.
The CA was a way of life.... it didn't cure cancer, but boy it sure was neat