Caging the Beast
Berwald stripped naked, hanging his clothes on a tree branch and jumped right into the mountain water fed river. It was freezing cold. Just like he felt inside at the moment. He used sand from the bottom of the river to scrub his skin RAW. He wanted to just wash away all that pain, all the memories, all the part of his nature he hated
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Tino contained his emotions long enough to answer Berwald's question. "Doggy paddle." He sputtered out before feeling Berwald's arms drag him back up to where air was plentiful. But the now revealed half troll made a mistake in that motion because Tino clasped his arms around the Swede's neck and held on tightly. "We came looking for you! There's wild animals in the woods! Don't you ever run away somewhere alone without telling me where you are going! I thought you were at the lake! If this had been me you'd be having a heart attack and you're giving me one now!" He wailed, hugging and kissing on Berwald's face. "Don't run away from me if you're hurting Bear! PLEASE don't shut me out when you need me. I'm not afraid of seeing you hurt, especially if there's something I can do. Some comforting words I can find. I could never be afraid of you." He sobbed, clinging to the mountain of flesh so the current didn't drag him away and so they he could feel the powerful drum beat of Berwald's heart shuddering through the layers of soaked wool and feel the vibration slam against his own heartbeat.
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"Ti, I'm sorry you were worried. I just needed a minute to... collect myself and take a bath." Berwald hedged. More worried about a shivering Tino than himself at the moment.
"Take these wet things off. They'll just make you colder." Berwald said taking off Tino's sodden cloak, then ripping off Tino's tunic over his head rubbing Tino's arms to create friction and heat into shivering limbs.
"Askling, I'm sorry."
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"We're your family idiot." Mathias interjected, giving Berwald a loving punch to the arm. "Sorry that I talk without thinking. Dumb baby brother."
Tino gave a swat at Mads, knocking the Dane backwards off the log before returning to doling attention on Berwald. There were kisses that needed to be dealt out still. "If I am a witch and I can do the kinds of things Siguard says I can, please let Berwald feel it." He thought to himself, tangling his fingers in Berwald's pale, dripping hair and crashing his lips against the Swedes'. This wasn't the same as the demure but loving smooches he was giving. This was deep and Tino's attempt to infect Berwald with how he felt. To inject loving warmth down the troll's throat and willing it to trickle down into his belly for it to be distributed to every fiber of his being. THAT is what Tino wanted and was trying to will, despite shivering in Berwald's lap from the cold air. He wanted Berwald to feel loved and needed and like he wasn't a monster. Tino didn't care if he WAS a giant, possessive, jealous troll. He LOVED Berwald. He desperately needed him in his life. This knowledge changed nothing. It didn't make Berwald any less the man he'd always been to Tino's eyes. He still wanted this sad, torn creature to find a shred of happiness, he'd be more than willing to give it to him. He already loved Berwald more than anyone else in the world could. But now that he understood that Berwald was waging an internal, constant struggle between that gentle human side of him and the troll that threatened to break free and commit him to his primal urges he could understand Berwald's fear of himself. But he just needed Berwald to know that he would still be loved, despite this dark side hiding under the surface. He feared Tino seeing it, but Tino feared more the idea of Berwald thinking it would terrify Tino. When he finally broke away to gulp some air Siguard released a sigh and unpinned his cloak.
"Trousers off too. Everything but the shoes." The Norwegian mother-henned, but of course Tino didn't have to do most of it himself. Berwald aided him in removing the sopping wet clothes that clung to his skin as through they, too, were dying for his love. Siguard was going to give to Tino his cloak so he at least wouldn't have to walk back to their cabin naked and freezing. As Siguard was wrapping the warm, dry wool around him Tino released a shudder and pressed his face into Berwald's neck, his arms clasped tightly around Berwald's torso as though letting him go would be for forever. "I love you so much it hurts Bear. Please tell me you can feel it, right?"
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"I feel it. I always feel you Ti." Berwald whispered rocking Tino in his embrace, fighting more tears. Once again he had caused pain when he was just trying to keep others from worrying about him.
He needed to be strong for others, not wear his passionate, deep and sometimes violent emotions on his sleeve. Tino only worried about him when he was upset. Tino being distressed KILLED Berwald's very soul.
It was why he tried to hide away in private. Not let Tino worry. Never hurt, never upset, never distress Tino.
But he had anyway.
He was such a loser.
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His rage had killed two men, had almost killed Mathias once. He was dangerous. Dear god what if in one of those blackout blood-rages TINO got in his path? The thought utterly horrified him to even think about.
He couldn't say the words Tino wanted to hear, how could he make a promise like that? He didn't know how to explain his fear to Tino. He felt like his soul was being shredded on a cheese grater.
He felt it was just safer to move away from the people he cared about until he got control of himself again. Like he was fighting a rabid, angry monster inside. A raw beast who liked violence, gluttony, anger and savagery. It was like he was fighting against some sort of twisted, evil split personality sometimes.
What Tino wanted him to promise could potentially be disastrous and deadly. He didn't know how to explain that, he had no words. He looked up at the sky trying and failing to find words. He was so lost himself, how could he explain it to the others?
He looked to Siguard for a moment, silently pleading for an alley for Tino's safety. Surely someone understood his inner battle. Why he walked away from everyone when he felt out of control.
He was at a loss for any words.
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"Berwald. I consider you a dear friend. And because of this I need to make you aware that we know. I knew the longest, but I couldn't find means to breech the subject. In light of certain circumstances, however, I found it necessary to disclose the matter to Mathias and Tino."
Disclose? What had he disclosed? Well. Siguard couldn't right tell Berwald that he was a troll, this was not the time for that bomb shell to be dropped nor was Berwald in any serious mental state to be rationally accepting his heritage at this point in time. But there were certain truths that he could disclose.
"We know about the Other Berwald inside of you." He confessed. "I told them."
At this moment Mathias took the opportunity to pick himself up off the ground where he had been knocked over before, but had felt no will to raise himself from the earth as he stared up through the trees at the overcast, grey sky. "Tell me my ass, I knew. I've SEEN it. I've been on the receiving end. But you know, that really's never changed anything." He still felt for Berwald as though he were a brooding, angsty, little brother who thought too much. The brother most willing to rebel against the older idiot. (Even if you could even count him as significantly older, it was only 1 day for crying out loud.)
Tino shuddered in Berwald's lap, his face pressed into the Swede's neck, but there was now a presence of hot moisture. Tino's eyes were misting over again. "I know about the other Berwald." He muttered. "I know Berwald. I know what it is you're capable of when you're mad. But that doesn't change anything, okay? When you get even a little upset though you run away from me. It makes me feel so helpless. You did it on Christmas, you did it when we were in Sweden when you locked yourself in the bathroom, you did it on the boat when I was worried about Eduard. Every time you feel hurt, or disappointed, you run away to bury it. Feeling sad or scared or disappointed doesn't make you a monster. I know there is a darker side, a part of you that can do a lot of damage to something when it gets out; I know and I'm not afraid of you okay?"
Siguard sighed again, this was a strange point in Tino and Berwald's relationship. He knew that Tino would walk on hot coals for his troll. Tino would willingly put himself at risk to sooth the savage beast, but Siguard also wondered how willing he was to allow Tino to do that. Berwald most certainly wouldn't be. Berwald who underestimated his control. Siguard felt that, in one of Berwald's rages, that probably it would only be Tino who could have the power to sooth it. Something in his witch-heritage could calm a savage beast like Berwald's inner troll. The Norwegian felt confident that while Berwald's rages could be triggered by Tino being at risk, he would actually fiercely protect his little blond treasure. Trolls typically would never risk their greatest treasure even in a rage! But even knowing these things Siguard wasn't so sure he was willing to put total confidence in this knowledge.
"Tino." He started. "You need to understand that just because you are not afraid doesn't mean that the danger is absolved."
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"Don't glare at me Tino. There are things that, simply coming and talking about it and externalizing it don't help. There are times, as is the nature of the beast, that Berwald is going to need to repress and contain his feelings. You cannot possibly fathom the depths of urges Berwald must contain. But, by the same token, Berwald, negative feelings must be expressed in one form or another. The problem with repression is that it's not permanent, eventually the wall will get a crack in it. The troll inside you, while you push him down and fight him, consumes those negative feelings and it powers him when he will inevitably escape to wreck havoc." Mathias was nodding rhythmically to Siguard's lecture, he wasn't contributing, he was no where near as eloquent as his lover, but he could understand probably better than anyone sitting here what Berwald felt, and what it felt like to have Berwald's hands squeezing into his neck. He knew perfectly well what Berwald was capable of, but he didn't need to voice this. Siguard had control of the conversation.
"Sometimes, for some situations, please come to us, or go to Tino. He does have the magic you need. Come to us for some matters, so that when the crack in the wall happens there isn't the same level of risk associated. It makes for a weakened troll, and a healthier you. You are not a monster Berwald. You are simply at war with a side of you that will never go away. You must first accept that the troll will be there forever, but it is up to you to try to find balance in yourself so that when he inevitably does push through your resolve it's not in a violent explosion of anger and pain. While you still have control over the situation and control over yourself, you have to be responsible for managing a balance between shared and hidden emotions so that the troll doesn't get the upper hand over you and burst through with unchecked rage." And now his direction returned to the Finn, who was still so young, and had been brought up in a world by witches who knew the power of expressing oneself to those they trusted. Tino hid nothing from the world, Berwald always claimed that his little treasure was an open book, composed in large, legible font. Tino had no comprehension of repression, and valued, instead, expression. But because he had been raised in this expressive world he needed to be made to understand that not all problems could be solved by external communication, even with someone as wise as his Mummi.
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"Tino, Berwald cannot possibly come to us with all his pains, as much as you would like to give what you can of yourself to sooth them, that is just a matter that, as of yet, you don't have the power to face alone. You're a very small creature, and your abilities are still passive. Perhaps with time, age, practice and experience, but currently not now. You have to understand this better." The Finn chewed his lip. He knew what Siguard was talking about, and he closed his eyes as he remembered the one time he had flirted with the troll, when he had come with Berwald to separate the giant from his father. The troll had emerged to protect Berwald from that horrifying pain, but that troll was as enamored with Tino as Berwald was, but wasn't half as gentle. He'd encouraged a very hungry troll that evening, had welcomed him in an attempt to sooth Berwald's soul. It had landed him with bruises on his hips and legs, bite marks on his body, and a sore back for about two days. He'd not been as innocent, he'd scratched and clawed right back. But in some way at this point Tino could understand the difference. It had felt different. In that moment it hadn't been about love of affection or union, it had simply been sex with the hungry, aroused and uninhibited other being living within Berwald. He had been warned, Berwald had warned him about the dangerous fire he'd been playing with. But he'd just been so dead set on soothing Berwald in whatever way he could. This wasn't much different? But how was he to ever know when the situation was out of his control?
"I'll try." He whimpered, defeated. Siguard was right, why the fuck was Siguard always fucking right!? Cause he was a son of a bitch that's why, but it didn't make him any less right. "Doesn't change anything though. Still love you more than anything." Tino whispered into the Swede's cooling skin. "I still love you and I even love the troll. I love him as I love every single part of you."
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"It's not that I don't trust you with my heart Tino. You're the only reason I have one at all. I just don't trust myself. I can't risk the chance of losing control around you. I'd rather die than hurt you. ANY of you. You're the only family I have." Berwald added laying his forehead against Tino, deeply breathing in the crook of Tino's neck, shuddering with the weight of his fear.
"Please Tino. I can't hurt you. I can't." His voice caught with anguish.
"I don't know how to manage this darkness inside. I can only try to cage it. I don't know how to keep this wall from cracking. So that's why I walk away, just in case I fail." He added feeling torn apart inside. Shredded in soul.
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Mads, however, put his hands on his hips and smiled before coming up and messing up Berwald's wet hair... well... at least messing it up more than it was. "You can stop feelin' bad about choking me. Obviously you didn't want it bad enough because the teachers were able to get you off me. I reckon that if you really wanted my blood bad enough no one would have been able to stop you. Naw, you just hated me. I promise you Svenk Trold, if you ever freak out and go after the rest of our family I'll kick your ass. I don't underestimate you anymore after that fight we were in." In a strange way, this was the best comfort the Dane could offer. "I'd never let you get out of hand. You might be a monster, but your our little monster." He grinned toothily, his lopsided leer. It was obvious that Mads had long ago forgiven the choking he'd received from the Swede. "Tino's safe with us." He winked.
Siguard just shook his head to get his hair out of his face in a nonchalant way. "We understand better, now, your unique situation Berwald. You're not a monster despite what Mads says."
"Yeah I'm an asshole, ignore me." The Dane rolled his eyes as he gathered up Tino's soaking wet clothes.
Siguard merely continued, "You have far more control than you assume, but know that you are an incredibly good person, and a strong one for the effort you successfully exert over that other side to your personality. To anyone else it would over power and dominate their personality. I owe you my life and my brother's life. I believe, in most situations, you're not a danger to anyone, especially not Tino."
"The precious." Danes wheezed, groveling around mimicking the sniveling Golem from Lord of the Rings before chuckling and standing back up to full height. "Don't you know Svenk Trold, trolls horde and savagely defend their treasures. Things that threaten them get their noses bloodied." He pointed at his own nose, which had fortunately not been broken in his altercation with the Swede. "If anything I'm more worried about you losing control and EATING Tino for fuck's sake, now also for fuck's sake, can you put some damn clothes on so we can go back to the great hall? Your cockasaurus is intimidating the wildlife and Tino's going to catch a cold."
Tino coughed. "Did you just call it a cockasaurus!?"
"Well it's not a cockadactyl. Anyway, do you feel in control yet Svenk or do you need more time alone? If so we'll take your wife to redress him." But said wife seemed reluctant to leave Berwald to the river again. He'd promised to understand if Berwald needed it, but in his heart he prayed that his love felt comforted for now, he was surrounded by the three people who loved him the most in the world. He hoped beyond hope that the danger had passed. But he said what he knew Berwald needed to hear. "If you need the time, rakas, you take as much as you need. If you need it, you need it. I'm going to try not to force you to socialize when you need focusing time... so long as you promise not to harm yourself while you do it. I'll try to be understanding, so long as you promise no more trying to rip your skin off or hurt yourself... alright? Is that a more reasonable request?" He desperately hoped it was.
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"That I can promise Askling. I'm sorry I worry you, all of you. I don't say it enough, but I love you all, even you Rovhal." Berwald said wiping the back of his hand across his cheeks to get rid of old tears. Feeling his scruffy beard on his chin.
"I'm certainly going to look like a troll before this vacation is over... no razors here." He added rubbing his chin. His damn beard grew like a weed on steroids.
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Siguard smiled. "Berwald, you get to tease Mathias for his Ginger-Beard." The Norwegian offered, making the Dane glower and Tino laugh. "You have a ginger beard!?"
"Shut up, my facial hair has red highlights." He grunted. Another reason why he shaved every morning. He hated the ginger beard... he even hated his FATHER'S ginger beard! While Mads was huffing about his eventual reddish brown face-pubes Tino released a smile on his soothed troll. "You'll be a very rugged mountain troll. Your kisses are going to tickle."
"I reiterate, cockasaurus away, pudgey Finn needs to get redressed." The Dane harped, now being sick of his facial hair being the object of ridicule. Siguard indulged his lover by standing and brushing the moss and dust from the log off the rear of his trousers. "Alright, alright. Lead on oh red bearded Thor."
"... That's more like it. Come on jay birds, haul ass."
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Berwald pulled on his pants and shoved his feet into his boots, putting his own socks on Tino's feet where he sat on the log. Then Berwald squatted. "Climb on my Back Askling. You're not walking in stocking feet." Berwald ordered it would be no chore to piggy back his love back to camp. Pine needles HURT on bare feet and would poke right through wool socks.
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"I'm no more a Fairy Prince than you."
"Well, yeah, but you're pretty enough to be a fairy prince, like something out of Hans Christian Andersen's stories." He bent down to press his lips into Siguard's hair.
"That makes you Little Tiny you idiot." Siguard huffed, but with a small smile, as he used Thumbelina's original, canonical story name.
"And you're just the right size for me." Leered the wolfish Dane. "Come on, lets get these soaked things to a line for Tino so they can dry out. Least he's not gonna need to wash'em."
Meanwhile, Tino was fumbling in trying to pull as much of Berwald's tunic up into his belt as possible so it didn't look like he was wearing a dress, but at the failure of this mission he just let it all hang and wrapped Siguard's cloak around him. "How are you not freezing?" Tino quipped at his lover. "And to think, I spent all of December laughing at you for being afraid of the cold, but, it looks like your blood thickened right back up you bastard." He chattered, reaching up to get his arms around the giant's shoulders as he was hoisted up to the top of Mt. Ber-Bear.
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He was more concerned with Tino catching a chill. He wanted Tino in front of a fire in their hut, yesterday.
Maybe a snuggle wouldn't be amiss either. He could really use a few minutes of undivided Tino attention. Just holding him close for a little while, he would enjoy that. Tino always took the final edges off his distress once he was in control again.
Once the control was back and that damn monster was shoved back into the closet again, Tino was a balm to his nerves. There was something utterly magical about Tino, something that drew Berwald in and held him a willing prisoner.
He'd never be able to truly express how much Tino meant to him. How deeply Berwald NEEDED him like he needed air to breathe. Without Tino his life would frankly not be worth living.
"Care to cuddle with me a little by the fire Ti?" Berwald asked as they walked through the quiet dense forest.
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