Oct 24, 2006 17:00
hey.
keith finally read my messsage and nothing bad came out of it...so for that, im ok...
im still pretty depressed...it kinda scares me cuz nothing really makes me happy anymore...i just dont know what to do...i went home for supper last nite cuz im pretty much out of food here...and ya know how i act happy on the outside with pretty much everyone but my closest friends? well thats what i was doing last nite...and ive been doing that at work too and during class...sometimes if i act happy enough on the outside, i kinda forget that im not actually happy...its weird cuz im so 'happy' and when im alone then i go back to being depressed...its almost like being an alcoholic or drug addict and how when ur high/drunk, you're 'happy' but once it wears off ur just back to where you started...i dunno...im just rambling and none of this probably makes any sense...im just like uhhh...i dunno...its weird cuz i actually look forward to being around people im not good friends with so that i can act happy...i dunno...im probably like the most retarded person in the entire world...
i dunno...im off work until friday so thats kinda nice...but bad at the same time...cuz then im just sitting around and stuff...i dunno...
i just feel kinda lost and alone...i think i pretty much ruined my friendship with katelyn...so of course i feel guilty but...i dunno...cuz its like i pretty much just kept pushing her away...which, for the record, is normal for depressed people to do...but i dunno and i think now shes finally 'pushed away' so to speak...and she doesnt try as hard anymore...and it just hurts me cuz at first, we were always talking about amanda and how annoying she was and whatever...and now its like katelyn replaced me with amanda...cuz she was talking about whatever and instead of me and her filling in man, her and man were filling me in...but its better this way...katelyn is pretty sensitive and its probably best shes not around me all the time...cuz its like part of me wants to push everybody away so they cant hurt me, but the other part of me wants to hang on...so im fighting with myself again as usual...and katelyn did hurt me, so...i dunno...i dont want u to think shes perfect or anything and its all my fault cuz its not...but...its just everybody hurts me...and im sick of it...and i hurt everybody cuz im a horrible person...and i dont wanna deal with the guilt anymore so im just gonna keep to myself...sure, im hurting people that are already here, and ill feel guilty, but theyll be the last ones...this way im only feeling guilty for a group of people instead of feeling guilty for this group and the next people and the next people...im done feeling guilty for being me...i just cant do anything right.
yah...so for the record...im either going to be in class, at work or in my room somewhere...im not bringing attention to myself and im only talking to people if they talk to me first...i did that on saturday and got one text message the whole day...see? i already have no friends...and i know i shouldnt say that cuz i do have friends...i just dont wanna care about them as much as i do bcuz i know either ill hurt them or theyll hurt me...i just feel like theres no hope for me...
ok no...AMBER YOU HAVE FRIENDS. AND THEY LOVE YOU. OK? ITS YOU. YOU ARE PUSHING THEM AWAY FOR NO FUCKING REASON. YOU JUST DONT WANNA BE HAPPY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??? SERIOUSLY...YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT...ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. NOW STOP ACTING LIKE SUCH A FUCKING BABY OK? NOBODY WANTS TO BE AROUND YOU BCUZ UR A FUCKING MESS. YOU ARE JUST SO FUCKING ANNOYING. SERIOUSLY. BE FUCKING HAPPY THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WILLING TO LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOURE RETARDED.
jesus. im so fucking sick of myself. i know none of this makes sense and ill probably delete most of it later but...im a mess and i think i need help. but i wont actually go and get help bcuz im retarded. but i have 2 dr phil books i need to read and after i read them, im gonna be happy. thats my goal anyway...if the dr phil books dont help...then im pretty much screwed bcuz if phil cant help me, nobody can...so once i get around to reading those books (i still have to buy one of them) i better start getting better...