(no subject)
Band: My Chemical Romance/The Used
Pairings: Gerard Way/Bert McCracken
Word Count: 771
Ratings: PG
Summary: "If I was gay, Bert, it would have been you. I swear to god."
Disclaimer: Yes, Bert McCracken is living with my closet and this is one of the bed time stories he told me once.
It was almost seven years after the fact that Bert finally got the call he’d stopped waiting for long ago. He’d deleted the number, of course he had. But he’s got a good memory, and he’d never managed to forget those ten digits no matter how hard he’d tried.
He answered with slight trepidation. He didn’t know what to expect, he really didn’t. He was almost hoping for an argument, because he was best at that. But you never know what to expect with Gerard Way. And Bert certainly wasn’t expecting his, “Hello?” to be met with, “If I was gay, Bert--god, I wish I was--but if I was gay it would have been you. I swear to god.”
“What?” Bert asked after a pause, clenching his phone tightly in his hand to keep from dropping it. What?
“I just wanted you to know,” Gerard whispered then, and Bert could hear the tears in his voice, even after all these years. He felt like he’d always know Gerard like the back of his hand.
“Gerard, what the fuck?” He whispered back, feeling his own voice catch.
“I wish I was,” Gerard answered. “I wish it had been you because you made me smile like no one else. But you needed things that I couldn’t give you and I needed things that you couldn’t give me and we were young and stupid and I just wanted for us to get a clean break before we were in too deep.”
“I was in too deep since the first time I saw you smile,” Bert confessed. It’s not like Gerard didn’t know.
“I know,” Gerard answered softly. “So was I.”
They were quiet for a minute, just listening to the other breathe. Then Bert murmured, “Doesn’t Lindsey make you happy?”
“Of course,” Gerard responded instantly. “She’s amazing and I love her so much. She gave me a beautiful little girl that I thank god for every day. But Lindsey isn’t you. She’s never going to be you. And sometimes when I’m watching her play with Bandit I see you instead and it gets so hard for me to breathe.”
“I really wanted that with you,” Bert whispered. That, Gerard didn’t know. No one knew. His wife thought he didn’t want kids at all. She didn’t know that Gerard was the only one he’d ever wanted to raise a child with.
“I wanted that with you too,” Gerard sighed. “You’d be an amazing dad. I wanted so badly to see it.”
Bert took a deep breath. He didn’t know if he could keep having this conversation. “Gerard--“ He started, but he was swiftly interrupted.
“Alison makes you happy too, right?” Gerard asked almost desperately. Bert could hear in his voice how badly Gerard wanted him to move on. He probably felt guilty.
“Yeah,” Bert answered dully. “But like you said, she’s not you.”
They got quiet again, until after a few minutes Gerard murmured, “I really miss you, baby.”
“I miss you too, sugar,” Bert responded quietly around the lump in his throat, picking up his old pet name for Gerard automatically at hearing his. “But it’s probably better this way.”
“I know,” Gerard admitted.
“And I’m always going to love you,” Bert continued after a pause. “I’m always going to be in love with you. I’m always going to see you as my soul mate. Because you are, Gerard. You are. But I’m okay when we’re apart. I’ve learned to deal with it. I can be happy about my life most of the time, and I think you can too. So we just have to keep doing what we’re doing.”
“I know,” Gerard repeated with a sigh. “I love you too, you know? I’m so sorry that we can’t be together.”
“Me too,” Bert replied. “I love you, Gee.”
“Love you too, Bee,” Gerard answered, and Bert could hear the smile in Gerard’s voice. “Don’t be too much of a stranger, okay?”
Bert paused for a moment and thought. He would probably be all right if he just talked to Gerard every once in awhile. Not too much. But every now and then, maybe for just the night they could slip back into old habits; pretend just for a few hours that they were still happily together. “Yeah, okay,” Bert whispered. “I’ll talk to you later, sugar.”
“You can count on it,” Gerard murmured, and a minute later Bert finally hung up the phone.
It wasn’t over between them, but he’d always known deep down somewhere that it never would be.
Although our time is through, there’s no getting over you.
Pairings: Gerard Way/Bert McCracken
Word Count: 771
Ratings: PG
Summary: "If I was gay, Bert, it would have been you. I swear to god."
Disclaimer: Yes, Bert McCracken is living with my closet and this is one of the bed time stories he told me once.
It was almost seven years after the fact that Bert finally got the call he’d stopped waiting for long ago. He’d deleted the number, of course he had. But he’s got a good memory, and he’d never managed to forget those ten digits no matter how hard he’d tried.
He answered with slight trepidation. He didn’t know what to expect, he really didn’t. He was almost hoping for an argument, because he was best at that. But you never know what to expect with Gerard Way. And Bert certainly wasn’t expecting his, “Hello?” to be met with, “If I was gay, Bert--god, I wish I was--but if I was gay it would have been you. I swear to god.”
“What?” Bert asked after a pause, clenching his phone tightly in his hand to keep from dropping it. What?
“I just wanted you to know,” Gerard whispered then, and Bert could hear the tears in his voice, even after all these years. He felt like he’d always know Gerard like the back of his hand.
“Gerard, what the fuck?” He whispered back, feeling his own voice catch.
“I wish I was,” Gerard answered. “I wish it had been you because you made me smile like no one else. But you needed things that I couldn’t give you and I needed things that you couldn’t give me and we were young and stupid and I just wanted for us to get a clean break before we were in too deep.”
“I was in too deep since the first time I saw you smile,” Bert confessed. It’s not like Gerard didn’t know.
“I know,” Gerard answered softly. “So was I.”
They were quiet for a minute, just listening to the other breathe. Then Bert murmured, “Doesn’t Lindsey make you happy?”
“Of course,” Gerard responded instantly. “She’s amazing and I love her so much. She gave me a beautiful little girl that I thank god for every day. But Lindsey isn’t you. She’s never going to be you. And sometimes when I’m watching her play with Bandit I see you instead and it gets so hard for me to breathe.”
“I really wanted that with you,” Bert whispered. That, Gerard didn’t know. No one knew. His wife thought he didn’t want kids at all. She didn’t know that Gerard was the only one he’d ever wanted to raise a child with.
“I wanted that with you too,” Gerard sighed. “You’d be an amazing dad. I wanted so badly to see it.”
Bert took a deep breath. He didn’t know if he could keep having this conversation. “Gerard--“ He started, but he was swiftly interrupted.
“Alison makes you happy too, right?” Gerard asked almost desperately. Bert could hear in his voice how badly Gerard wanted him to move on. He probably felt guilty.
“Yeah,” Bert answered dully. “But like you said, she’s not you.”
They got quiet again, until after a few minutes Gerard murmured, “I really miss you, baby.”
“I miss you too, sugar,” Bert responded quietly around the lump in his throat, picking up his old pet name for Gerard automatically at hearing his. “But it’s probably better this way.”
“I know,” Gerard admitted.
“And I’m always going to love you,” Bert continued after a pause. “I’m always going to be in love with you. I’m always going to see you as my soul mate. Because you are, Gerard. You are. But I’m okay when we’re apart. I’ve learned to deal with it. I can be happy about my life most of the time, and I think you can too. So we just have to keep doing what we’re doing.”
“I know,” Gerard repeated with a sigh. “I love you too, you know? I’m so sorry that we can’t be together.”
“Me too,” Bert replied. “I love you, Gee.”
“Love you too, Bee,” Gerard answered, and Bert could hear the smile in Gerard’s voice. “Don’t be too much of a stranger, okay?”
Bert paused for a moment and thought. He would probably be all right if he just talked to Gerard every once in awhile. Not too much. But every now and then, maybe for just the night they could slip back into old habits; pretend just for a few hours that they were still happily together. “Yeah, okay,” Bert whispered. “I’ll talk to you later, sugar.”
“You can count on it,” Gerard murmured, and a minute later Bert finally hung up the phone.
It wasn’t over between them, but he’d always known deep down somewhere that it never would be.
Although our time is through, there’s no getting over you.