A little bit of introspection...
I should really make sure I keep this thing up, and I should really stop caring if anyone reads or responds to it. I should do it for myself because there is a need. That said...
I'm waiting to really feel happy. No, that's not the right feeling. I am...happy. Maybe the right word is...normal. I am such a strange odd person, and unfortunaetly not in the cool, break the envelope kind of way. Nothing about me is normal, I have never felt normal. These people these humans go about their lives and they all seem content like they belong. When I was a kid anytime I ever saw anything (sci-fi, animated, whatever.), about someone that was somehow out of place...they were really a princess in a far away land, an alien left on earth (except ET that movie scared the shit out of me), or a magical kid called away to magic school...these characters instantly became my favorite heroes, still are.
I don't know why i feel this way. Always have, always will. I'm acutely conscious of everything I do when I'm out around...people, everything I say, every move I make. I just, i don't know. No one else seems so freakin odd. Even the oddest of odd seem like they fit in some niche and are ok with their spot. It's a sickness I can do nothing about. i have framed my life around standing out. Get really odd bohemian friends, be attracted to white guys, girls, whatever. Maybe that's why I chose to be a psychologist and why everything feels right about me being one. I get to study and find out about these people I don't understand. Possibly find out about me...no actually possibly very much to find out about what the hell kind of fabric I'm made of...why ARRR NOTHING FEELS RIGHT!!! It explains it. Everytime I get some new piece of psychological information I'm delighted. Like NOW I can have my answers. But nothing ever comes.
It's not something I'm necessarily whinning about or extremely depressed about it. I have NEVER felt normal. It's frustrating, but not distressing. Someone with similar symptoms once told me that it was nothing to be worried or even frustrated about. That it's cool and it's what makes you special and unique. Sweet, but....this person was very sure of themselves, positive about themselves...who they were. Me on the other hand...nu uh. I would love to be able to one day say I'm there, but not now. For now, I just have to go on feeling...displaced.
I'm waiting to really feel happy. No, that's not the right feeling. I am...happy. Maybe the right word is...normal. I am such a strange odd person, and unfortunaetly not in the cool, break the envelope kind of way. Nothing about me is normal, I have never felt normal. These people these humans go about their lives and they all seem content like they belong. When I was a kid anytime I ever saw anything (sci-fi, animated, whatever.), about someone that was somehow out of place...they were really a princess in a far away land, an alien left on earth (except ET that movie scared the shit out of me), or a magical kid called away to magic school...these characters instantly became my favorite heroes, still are.
I don't know why i feel this way. Always have, always will. I'm acutely conscious of everything I do when I'm out around...people, everything I say, every move I make. I just, i don't know. No one else seems so freakin odd. Even the oddest of odd seem like they fit in some niche and are ok with their spot. It's a sickness I can do nothing about. i have framed my life around standing out. Get really odd bohemian friends, be attracted to white guys, girls, whatever. Maybe that's why I chose to be a psychologist and why everything feels right about me being one. I get to study and find out about these people I don't understand. Possibly find out about me...no actually possibly very much to find out about what the hell kind of fabric I'm made of...why ARRR NOTHING FEELS RIGHT!!! It explains it. Everytime I get some new piece of psychological information I'm delighted. Like NOW I can have my answers. But nothing ever comes.
It's not something I'm necessarily whinning about or extremely depressed about it. I have NEVER felt normal. It's frustrating, but not distressing. Someone with similar symptoms once told me that it was nothing to be worried or even frustrated about. That it's cool and it's what makes you special and unique. Sweet, but....this person was very sure of themselves, positive about themselves...who they were. Me on the other hand...nu uh. I would love to be able to one day say I'm there, but not now. For now, I just have to go on feeling...displaced.