Death Becomes Her
No she didn't die...yet. But i have kept my phone beside me every second waiting for the call that I know will inevitably come. cuz a bad heart and three strokes later, your body can't take much more. it's just a matter of time.
the whole day at work yesterday i kept this inside. i wanted to tell someone because it hurt so bad. i told the internets, but that wasn't enough and i looked at all these people surrounding me. people i had come to consider as friends, and i couldn't tell them either.
so i waited 10 hours for work to finally end, and saw my lover coming toward the car. we sat, i explained, i cried, he held. i felt safe in those arms and let a whole days hurt just spill out all at once. i began to imagine her in her coffin at her funeral, all her siblings there who never came to see her when she got sick, family from far off brought together, family that stayed away. would my dad come? how would i feel? would my mom cry? would i come back to SC? would i crumble? scary questions i cried into his shoulder. things that wont be answered until the day. i asked bryon if he'd come with me when she died. he answered as if i was silly, saying yes of course.
it's almost like i want her to die, i want to get that phone call. completely selfish reasoning to that. i want to get the hurt and the pain over with, i want to forget the hurt, and come back to work to continue my life. it's almost like being suspended over a cliff in those old cartoons. you know you're going to fall, it just takes fucking forever to happen, all the while there's that sick feeling in your stomach of there being no ground beneath you.
she would be the first close to me to die. traumatic things always cause me to unhinge, but that is why i will have my rock there to hold me.
the whole day at work yesterday i kept this inside. i wanted to tell someone because it hurt so bad. i told the internets, but that wasn't enough and i looked at all these people surrounding me. people i had come to consider as friends, and i couldn't tell them either.
so i waited 10 hours for work to finally end, and saw my lover coming toward the car. we sat, i explained, i cried, he held. i felt safe in those arms and let a whole days hurt just spill out all at once. i began to imagine her in her coffin at her funeral, all her siblings there who never came to see her when she got sick, family from far off brought together, family that stayed away. would my dad come? how would i feel? would my mom cry? would i come back to SC? would i crumble? scary questions i cried into his shoulder. things that wont be answered until the day. i asked bryon if he'd come with me when she died. he answered as if i was silly, saying yes of course.
it's almost like i want her to die, i want to get that phone call. completely selfish reasoning to that. i want to get the hurt and the pain over with, i want to forget the hurt, and come back to work to continue my life. it's almost like being suspended over a cliff in those old cartoons. you know you're going to fall, it just takes fucking forever to happen, all the while there's that sick feeling in your stomach of there being no ground beneath you.
she would be the first close to me to die. traumatic things always cause me to unhinge, but that is why i will have my rock there to hold me.