Hmmmm...
Today I got paid a whole days wage for just doing about four hours of work. So now I'm stuck here at home ignoring "A Makeover Story" while all these thoughts fly through my head.
Nothing too heavy or anything. just thoughts. normal thoughts. not everything has to be such a big deal or so life changing or so dramatic. hah, me. tired of dramatizing.
like the fact that tomorrow, bryon and i will be moving in our first dwelling together, and for a month or so have it all to ourselves. and that i will be able to scoop up my kid that i have missed terribly these three weeks. and that friday night we wil be able to sleep there together in our own bed, hopefully with no worries of the future.
like that maybe when our future roommate comes down she will see us or see the townhouse and decide she hates us or it and change her mind about signing the lease. you may think i'm being ridiculous, but with everything and everybody that have caused this moment to drag out, it's very possible. or how we'll have to be on our guard not letting our parents know we are actually living together or the happy home could crumble.
i've also been thinking about friends. old friends, new friends, lost friends, made friends. how many i've made and gone through...how much i've changed how much they've changed. if i will see them again and if things will be the same. samantha, arya, chica, ashley, jason, whitney, abbey, jeff, beth, jeff, tameika, tasha, deidra. how much you really ever know someone, if you don't even really know yourself. how meaningless some fights are. a void, if any, after those people are gone (because of distance or dislike). worrying and loving and wanting and hating.
i had an...i don't know what it is with jeff the other day. i have been worried for sometime about all the drugs and various other things. i would never want someone close to me to slip away, because i'd completely blame myself, as i should. like i saw things going in a bad direction and yet i did nothing to stop it. so i left him a message that said i was worried. i wanted to talk. i was gunna be honest and take that step although i knew my concerns would be waved away as nothing important. but he never responded to it. that's fine. so jokingly i write an IM to him saying "ok, don't respond" and...i don't know what happened after that.
but see, i'm tired of trying. i'm tired of having to say sorry. so i began to think about some things. i don't even think he'd miss me if i was out of his life. i'm probably just a big joke to him anyway. i am to most people. i can't tell you how quickly i meet someone that i'm asked "are you sure you aren't blonde" whatever. anyway, i don't know. recently, well more like this past semester, i haven't been able to *get* him. what used to be comfortable became very uncomfortable, forced. and i used to sit for hours thinking about how i can go out of my way to figure people out and fit myself to their disposition. but lately, i've just decided to give up. i'm sorry.
if this is the end of something, it was a good something. i will never forget myself crying on jeff's couch, and whether he was doing it for my benefit, or just doing it to block out my annoying crying, he was just playing his guitar. some sweet soothing something. tragic but o so beautiful. in fact i'm crying now. i wish i could breathe life into the moment again somehow...write it..paint it...
i've also been thinking about how i feel trapped. how i'm not the person i want to be, how i wish i could be freer and spacy like i am. how i never really feel as alive i as i could be.
i dunno, but who does? these are just thoughts...
Nothing too heavy or anything. just thoughts. normal thoughts. not everything has to be such a big deal or so life changing or so dramatic. hah, me. tired of dramatizing.
like the fact that tomorrow, bryon and i will be moving in our first dwelling together, and for a month or so have it all to ourselves. and that i will be able to scoop up my kid that i have missed terribly these three weeks. and that friday night we wil be able to sleep there together in our own bed, hopefully with no worries of the future.
like that maybe when our future roommate comes down she will see us or see the townhouse and decide she hates us or it and change her mind about signing the lease. you may think i'm being ridiculous, but with everything and everybody that have caused this moment to drag out, it's very possible. or how we'll have to be on our guard not letting our parents know we are actually living together or the happy home could crumble.
i've also been thinking about friends. old friends, new friends, lost friends, made friends. how many i've made and gone through...how much i've changed how much they've changed. if i will see them again and if things will be the same. samantha, arya, chica, ashley, jason, whitney, abbey, jeff, beth, jeff, tameika, tasha, deidra. how much you really ever know someone, if you don't even really know yourself. how meaningless some fights are. a void, if any, after those people are gone (because of distance or dislike). worrying and loving and wanting and hating.
i had an...i don't know what it is with jeff the other day. i have been worried for sometime about all the drugs and various other things. i would never want someone close to me to slip away, because i'd completely blame myself, as i should. like i saw things going in a bad direction and yet i did nothing to stop it. so i left him a message that said i was worried. i wanted to talk. i was gunna be honest and take that step although i knew my concerns would be waved away as nothing important. but he never responded to it. that's fine. so jokingly i write an IM to him saying "ok, don't respond" and...i don't know what happened after that.
but see, i'm tired of trying. i'm tired of having to say sorry. so i began to think about some things. i don't even think he'd miss me if i was out of his life. i'm probably just a big joke to him anyway. i am to most people. i can't tell you how quickly i meet someone that i'm asked "are you sure you aren't blonde" whatever. anyway, i don't know. recently, well more like this past semester, i haven't been able to *get* him. what used to be comfortable became very uncomfortable, forced. and i used to sit for hours thinking about how i can go out of my way to figure people out and fit myself to their disposition. but lately, i've just decided to give up. i'm sorry.
if this is the end of something, it was a good something. i will never forget myself crying on jeff's couch, and whether he was doing it for my benefit, or just doing it to block out my annoying crying, he was just playing his guitar. some sweet soothing something. tragic but o so beautiful. in fact i'm crying now. i wish i could breathe life into the moment again somehow...write it..paint it...
i've also been thinking about how i feel trapped. how i'm not the person i want to be, how i wish i could be freer and spacy like i am. how i never really feel as alive i as i could be.
i dunno, but who does? these are just thoughts...