Breakeven
Title: Breakeven
Pairing: Chanyeol/Jongin, hinted Baekhyun/Jongdae
Word Count: 6,3k
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: smut, language
Summary: Sleeping with his ex, and on top of that, when Chanyeol was still in love with him, should be on the list of the worst self-damaging decisions he has made so far.
Notes: Betaed byshinealightrose , as usual :) I wrote this back on September/December for fukushimakyong’s birthday and I’m finally posting it after a hiatus (if slowly writing long fics counts as hiatus lol).
There’s no way to deny that sleeping with Jongin had been an error. It had been a bad idea too, but Chanyeol didn’t consider himself very smart when alcohol was on the table. Sleeping with his ex, and on top of that, when Chanyeol was still in love with him, should be on the list of the worst self-damaging decisions he has made so far.
It made sense though, last night, as Chanyeol had to face Jongin’s return after several months living abroad. Jongin had left because of him, to avoid him, as though the break-up had done the same harm to him that it did to Chanyeol. Perhaps running away, distancing himself was the solution to forget someone, but he didn’t understand why Jongin needed to forget him when he hadn’t done anything wrong.
On the contrary, Chanyeol had been left behind. He was, and had always been behind when it came to Jongin; he wasn’t as smart, as attractive, as talented, or as kind as Jongin, and it was clear when he made the choice of continuing his routine as if his boyfriend had never disappeared. For weeks straight, a part of his mind had expected to find Jongin in the apartment when he entered home, like Chanyeol was worth nothing by himself.
And still, as the morning came, Chanyeol had to confront that Jongin was in his bed, skin painted with bruises, and the memory of endless moans that had been in his mind every single second since he left. They had been drunk, but maybe not enough to ignore the fact that they would regret this the next day. He had seen it in Jongin’s eyes, the doubts, the guilt, the need of pushing him away and closer at the same time, and he had hurried to quiet them with his lips.
They weren’t meant to be together, at least not after the last year.
“Tell me Sehun was making fun of me,” Baekhyun chirps up as soon as he spots Chanyeol exiting the classroom, not minding that he has just suffered a two hour lecture. On the other hand, anyone could tell that Baekhyun spent the whole morning in the cafeteria, clinging to anyone disposed to skip classes. “And you didn’t bring home Jongin yesterday.”
Chanyeol pales within a second and, if he wasn’t in front of his best friend, that wouldn’t give him away. If it was Sehun or Jongdae asking, he would simply excuse himself saying he’s sick or hasn’t slept much - though the last one could get him into more trouble - and that would work. But it’s Baekhyun, and the brief moment Chanyeol takes to answer, to think, is enough for the truth to emerge.
“I just-”
“Fuck, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun interrupts. He grasps him by the arm and leads him where there isn’t a mass of people to hear them, though the students still cast glances at them when they pass by. Chanyeol realizes that they probably look like they’re arguing. “I’m not going to ask why but, are you crazy? We have talked about this. You can’t just give into him like this, when you’re the one who ends…”
“I know.” Everyone does. Everyone supposes that Chanyeol suffers and Jongin just lives. But they don’t understand what the problem is, they haven’t been in the relationship, and Jongin has never told them he loves them. It all changes when you’re on the other side. “I was drunk. I wasn’t all that lucid to think ‘oh I shouldn’t fuck the ex that broke up with me and flew out of the country’. But thanks for worrying.”
There’s no harshness in his tone, but the words are enough to placate Baekhyun. His features soften at the reply, at the hint of bitterness. “I didn’t mean to… you know.” He shrugs, a smile as an attempt to lighten up the mood. “Did you talk to him in the morning?”
Shaking his head, Chanyeol mutters, “He was asleep when I left.” And then, at the momentary panic on Baekhyun’s face, he adds, “But, knowing him, there’s no way he will wait for me there.”
However, that’s not entirely true. There are two Jongins for him now: the one who was his boyfriend, cold to everyone but loving to him, the one whose quirks and habits he memorized; and now the one he predicts Jongin must be now. He has a reason to run away from Chanyeol, which means he will always avoid confrontation at all costs. There’s no safety between Chanyeol’s arms anymore and, contrary to the appearances, Jongin needs that, needs to be guided when he loses the direction. Unless he has changed.
“Well, okay,” Baekhyun breathes out, strangely relieved. He rubs Chanyeol’s back, and even if it’s of little help right now, he appreciates the effort. “Sehun will tell us whatever Jongin said about you. He didn’t say anything so far because I refused to believe him, but…”
Of course Sehun could inform Chanyeol of every little gossip he gets. As much as he keeps a strong friendship with Jongin, his big mouth makes him a bad keeper of secrets, especially if they can console Chanyeol. The disadvantage is that Jongin may reserve all his thoughts to himself, being as unreadable as he usually is.
Despite knowing the apartment will be empty, Chanyeol still feels disappointed. Jongin made the bed before leaving, perfectly straightened sheets as though he had never slept there, but his smell remains. He hasn’t forgotten any of his stuff, which kills the hope of him appearing at the door again; Chanyeol remembers that, when they were in the flirting stage, Jongin would leave his keys or his phone and then would come back for them. He never knew if it was on purpose or not, but at some point he dared to invite Jongin to sleep over.
As he sits on the bed, his phone beeps with a text from Sehun that says At Jongdae’s tonight! And even if Chanyeol suspects that this can’t be good for him, that he’s probably not expected to appear now that Jongin is back, he still has the right to. They are his friends, and this is his life, and when Jongin exited the picture, those boys were the ones who filled the emotional holes. He’s not going to run away just because it’s the comfortable decision.
“Look, the one who finally got some!” Jongdae exclaims once he opens the door. His smile widens at the view of Chanyeol, although he isn’t very happy himself. “Bad that you did a repeat with the last guy you slept with. Kinda boring.”
Chanyeol doesn’t answer at the provocation, just narrowing his eyes, but then a voice that sounds terribly like Baekhyun’s yells, “Jongdae!” and the scolding is enough for the boy to writhe back into the house.
A quick scanning relaxes Chanyeol right away. Jongin isn’t there yet, only Sehun and Baekhyun and several bottles in the living room, so he doesn’t waste time grabbing one of them and joining his friends.
“That was so rude,” Baekhyun insists as Jongdae closes the door. “What about you mind your own business and leave serious people with their serious shit?”
At this point, no one takes Baekhyun’s outbursts in consideration, and therefore they don’t get into a fight. He’s simply that kind of person. And if Chanyeol is involved somehow, he enters into an overprotective mode that has always humored the rest; back in the days, those had provoked some arguments between Chanyeol and Jongin, which had taken him off guard. Jongin usually didn’t show any jealousy, let alone because of mutual friends, but he would complain about how Baekhyun obviously had feelings for Chanyeol. He would have believed it, if it wasn’t because Baekhyun and Jongdae had been playing push and pull for years.
“What serious shit?” Jongdae moans. He plops down next to Chanyeol and places his feet onto his lap with a feline grin. “Wanna bet how long takes them to get back together?”
Baekhyun observes Jongdae for a single second before drifting his attention to Sehun, snatching the bottle from him. “What do you say, dude?”
“That’s not mine to tell,” he replies, dubious. He seems to catch up with the trap Baekhyun is setting, yet Chanyeol is aware that it’s his presence, the spark of hope that he must have on his face at the moment, that makes Sehun choose silence. “Ask Jongin yourself.”
Even if that’s supposed to be directed at Baekhyun and Jongdae, Chanyeol realizes that this is some type of secret message. If Jongin has agreed to this, it can mean two things: that he wants Chanyeol to talk to him, or that he wants Chanyeol to completely quit.
“Ew.” Jongdae makes a face, frowning at Sehun. “Now you’re loyal to that runaway?”
This time, the warning comes from Chanyeol, out of habit, and his tone wavers as he says, “Jongdae, no.”
Of course, the break-up affected the whole group when it happened, but as Sehun didn’t take sides - maybe because he was Jongin’s rock - Baekhyun and Jongdae did, suffering the same Chanyeol did. There’s rancor among them, even if Jongin is still their friend, and it makes Chanyeol uneasy. It’s a dull way of thinking, because they aren’t going to get back together, and therefore he won’t feel like he put his friends through this for nothing.
However, other times it makes sense in his head. When Jongin shows up that night, wearing plain jeans and a very familiar blue jumper, Chanyeol remembers why he was and is in love with him. Jongin has layers. There is the outer one, which presents an indifferent, distant boy, with a sense of superiority even; and there are others, that fall off one by one as Jongin feels comfortable. It overwhelms Chanyeol to think that he knows how vulnerable Jongin can be, so human and insecure, and how well he disguises himself.
Their friends make the effort to keep them apart all the time, and Baekhyun clings to his side as the alcohol poisons them, whispering that Chanyeol doesn’t have anything to fear. Yet he does, every time he finds Jongin’s eyes on him, his glass untouched and his legs crossed as though he’s proving that he won’t get drunk and fall into the same mistake. Jongin’s gaze is unreadable, but also calculating, pressuring, and Chanyeol wonders if this is a test, if he’s being watched for Jongin to check his value.
“I can ask Jongdae to kick him out,” Baekhyun proposes, tailing after Chanyeol when he announces he needs to go to the bathroom. “He does anything I say if I do this thing with my eyes, you know. Like literally anything.”
Despite the heaviness in Chanyeol’s chest, he laughs. “That wouldn’t be very discreet. And I don’t want to know what you do with Jongdae.”
Much to his disgrace, Baekhyun sneaks into the bathroom with him, huffing when Chanyeol tries to block him out. He darts to the shower, slipping into it with a pleased gesture that hints it’s going to be his bed tonight, and then exclaims, “But we aren’t together! He’s always playing games. Aren’t we similar, you and Jongin, and Jongdae and me?”
Perhaps, except they haven’t broken each other’s hearts, Chanyeol would like to point out. He zips his mouth though, thinking that arguing with a drunkard isn’t very useful, and that Baekhyun isn’t the best option to vomit his heart out to right now. He has so much within, and he needs to vent it out, legs trembling just at the thought of going back to the living room with Jongin.
“Come on.” He helps Baekhyun out of the bathtub after washing his hands, and his friend holds onto him with a silly laugh. “You should go to sleep or something.”
“Okay, or something,” Baekhyun blabbers. He keeps his arms around Chanyeol’s neck, and although it hinders them to walk out the bathroom, they both snicker at the position. Baekhyun sends him a teasing smile. “Let’s go sleep together.”
Those jokes have always been normal between them, so Chanyeol isn’t surprised the alcohol brings them out. They used to share a bed during first year, when none of them had enough money to pay for an individual bedroom; it had led to a lot of entertaining misunderstandings while they tried to explain to people that they weren’t having sex. That’s why Chanyeol just plays along, grinning, until he looks up and discovers Jongin in front of them. Lips pressed against each other, he looks far from contented, gaze roaming over the way Baekhyun sticks to him.
“Can we,” Jongin dryly begins, no emotions in his voice, “talk?”
This time, they don’t have any excuse to dodge Jongin’s proposal, and it would be very suspicious if Baekhyun decided all of a sudden that he’s ill or needs Chanyeol for some stupid reason. However, Chanyeol only manages a nod as a reply, and then Jongin is turning on his heels, disappearing into Jongdae’s bedroom without an extra word.
“You don’t have to,” Baekhyun states, noticing the moment of hesitation.
And he doesn’t have to, really. He owes Jongin nothing, unless the other is disposed to take the pain for the two, and thus he doesn’t need to discuss whatever Jongin wants now. But there’s a charm that always works against Chanyeol’s well being, and he feels the odd obligation of making Jongin happy, whether if it’s complying to everything he asks or setting himself apart. It’s a lost battle from the beginning.
“Go with the others,” Chanyeol decides at last, nudging Baekhyun softly so that he doesn’t lose his balance. “Don’t worry.”
When Chanyeol closes the door, drowning the noises from the living room, Jongin is sitting on Jongdae’s bed with the same blank expression. An ice block on the outside, yes, but Chanyeol knows that he must have his toes curled up inside his sneakers, tachycardia and a deep regret building. Jongin isn’t good at sorting problems out, less if they require bravery.
Chanyeol licks his dry lips, still standing by the door. “So?”
As if it’s a signal, Jongin’s gaze strikes him, and it’s right then that Chanyeol realizes Jongin is angry. Burning and retaining the urge of arguing with him.
“Does he know?”
“Know what?”
“That we slept together.”
Those were the last words Chanyeol expected. He was ready for Jongin to brush that night off; he didn’t expect him to mention it, almost in a challenging way, like that has been his purpose all this time. Sleeping with him and then talking it out makes Chanyeol feel like he’s following some love manual of a cheesy movie, just that the love line died long ago.
“Everyone knows,” Chanyeol croaks out at last. He couldn’t have hidden it either way, since Sehun spread the news, and Jongin shouldn’t have the right to get mad at him for this. It was his intimate friend who spoke, after all. “Why does it matter?”
When their eyes meet, Chanyeol alarmed and Jongin glaring, the tension immediately softens. Jongin sets his gaze on the floor instead, head hanging, and mutters, “They hate me.”
“They don’t-”
“They do. Am I the bad one in their book? The one who plays and has no heart?” Jongin asks very low, almost like he doesn’t require an answer.
The room swings around Chanyeol, all objects blurred except Jongin, who is triggering memories with this show of insecurity. His feet lead him before his mind decides it, and then he’s next to Jongin, and his ex-boyfriend is peering at him with those big, sleepy eyes like Chanyeol has the solutions for any problem in this life. The realization hits him with too much violence, now that he’s not drunk enough to ignore what he experiences while observing Jongin; the spark isn’t completely dead, and Jongin has the lighter.
“When I left, I had a lot of reasons to stay,” he continues, hands gripping the edge of the bed. Chanyeol wants to ease that tension, take his hands and rub them until he draws a laugh out of him. “But now that I’m back, I’ve lost them. There’s nothing for me here.”
It’s inevitable for Chanyeol to glance at Jongin’s lips for a second, remembering that a kiss used to be an effective way of helping him to forget. When Jongin became jealous of Baekhyun, Chanyeol would kiss him better, though at first he would have to smooch a grumpy version with his arms crossed and a frown on his face. And he yearns to do it now, fingertips tingling to reach Jongin’s jaw and pull him closer, as if he won’t reject Chanyeol even though he’s sober.
Instead, Chanyeol breathes to calm himself down, and murmurs, “Why did you come back?”
There it is, Jongin staring at him in surprise, for Chanyeol should know, should be able to read his intentions. But he can’t. Even though he hopes this is the old Jongin, he wouldn’t risk taking a bad step and falling so hard.
“You know why.” Jongin’s hand flies from the bed to Chanyeol’s thigh, startling him, and Chanyeol senses the heat extending under his jeans. It isn’t a light touch, but a grip, like the one he would use to push Chanyeol onto the bed; the difference is the plea in his pupils when Jongin looks up at him, defenses finally crumbling down. “I’ll do whatever you want. Whatever. Just, please, Chanyeol-”
“Stop.”
Jongin doesn’t. He fists the front of Chanyeol t-shirt, and whispers through clenched teeth an angry, “Fuck me.”
It is wrong. Chanyeol is repulsed at the situation, at Jongin wanting to be used like this, regardless of Chanyeol wanting him with honesty or not. But Jongin has that power over him, which would push him to comply even if it destroyed both of them; Jongin misses him, though it’s only because he doesn’t own Chanyeol in any way, or because it’s hard for him not to have that support.
So, when Jongin presses his lips against his, a thousand negative thoughts invade his mind. The fear of being hurt again, of Jongin utilizing him until he’s happy enough to move on without him; and over all, of this being an attack of nostalgia and nothing else. However, Jongin erases all of the doubts by guiding Chanyeol’s arms to grasp him by the waist, and the sensation of holding his lean frame makes Chanyeol aware of how much he needs this. Jongin is toxic, but it’s hard to care while he’s being intoxicated with the feeling of Jongin’s tongue in his mouth. It’s neither the place nor the moment, and yet Chanyeol forces him on the bed, gasping when Jongin raises his hips to rub on him. A moan slips out of him, legs failing as Chanyeol places himself between them, and then he’s deep into the kiss and the warmness of Jongin’s body; completely lost.
“Out of my bedroom.”
The moment of delirium is broken by Jongdae’s voice, and it feels like a slap for Chanyeol to go back to his senses. Jongin’s body tenses under him, and he rolls away on the bed with a gasp, flushing in embarrassment.
Jongdae isn’t a bit ashamed of having caught them this way, a glare travelling between his two friends as he leans against the door, and when both of them remain frozen on the bed, he just growls again, “Out.”
“Are you out of your fucking mind?”
After rushing out of Jongdae’s house last night, Chanyeol has been hiding in his apartment, disregarding the bombing of Baekhyun and Jongdae through texts and calls. The issue with them is that they always get their way to reach him, even if they have to skip classes and invade his home without being invited first. It would be a sweet gesture, if it wasn’t because Chanyeol doesn’t need to hear a scolding right now, not when the ghost of Jongin’s lips still dances on his skin. It’s a bit surprising though that Sehun is accompanying them, with his hands in his pockets and clearly uncomfortable.
“He’s out of his fucking mind, of course,” Baekhyun answers Jongdae, preventing him in time from hitting their friend. Chanyeol has retracted into the couch, yet his evident remorse and cowardice isn’t enough reason for Baekhyun and Jongdae to stop. “What is self-love for you, man? Do you want to read the list of stupid stuff you have done in the past few days?”
“You guys don’t understand,” Chanyeol attempts, shutting himself when Jongdae throws a dirty look at him.
“So Jongin leaves you heartbroken, and then as soon as he’s here, you two fuck,” Jongdae reminds him, as if he hasn’t been mulling over it during each little minute since. “He disappears on you the next day, complaining and crying to Sehun, or whatever these two do when they’re alone. You mope for days realizing that he’s not serious about you. Oh, but then he drags you to Jongdae’s bedroom, and you think ‘why not? I’m going to fuck him even if he ditches and ruins me again’.”
Putting it that way, Chanyeol thinks, is not fair. He hasn’t said a word about Jongin begging for him, certain that this would be a way of betraying him. A curious conclusion, indeed, given that Jongin hasn’t approached him after the second night in which they ended kissing. Chanyeol avoids thinking that he may be a mistake; Jongin searched for his acceptance in levels beyond a simple make-up, and the rest don’t hold that important piece of information.
Due to the silence, Baekhyun sighs. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Chanyeol shrugs. “That I want to be with him.”
“God.”
At this point, Jongdae doesn’t dare to look him in the eye anymore, and judging Baekhyun’s reaction, one would think that Chanyeol is replacing them forever. That it’s them or Jongin. He gets it. They rebuilt him while Jongin was away, and it was a hard task that it could collapse easily; a couple of kisses, a promise, and Chanyeol will cascade into the trap. Hard work that might have not worked in the first place.
“Jongin doesn’t intend to hurt me,” Chanyeol continues, taking advantage of the short, wordless moment they are going through. “He never does. But those things happen, and sometimes I’m guilty as well. I didn’t treat him like I should when we were together. I... was paranoid about him cheating on me, and he never gave me reasons to.”
That doesn’t seem to settle well with them either. Jongdae shakes his head in denial. “He ran away. And it wasn’t because of that.”
Jongin had explained it to him, the last day, with his suitcase at the door and the plane ticket in his hand. He had freaked out. Living together, in a peaceful environment, where no argument was capable of disturbing their love, he had been scared away. He was saving his own ass, even if there was no danger for him.
“Some people are just not ready for serious relationships,” Chanyeol replies in the end.
“He was egotistical.”
“And so was I.”
“Fuck, you weren’t!” Baekhyun interrupts them, scandalized. For the first time, Sehun is affected by the conversation, though much to Chanyeol’s surprise, he opts for settling a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder. It’s a sign of agreement, and Sehun shouldn’t be doing it; Jongin won’t have anyone if he takes Baekhyun and Jongdae’s side. “You’re obviously going to do whatever you want, but you have to hear it: we don’t think it’s right. We don’t think he deserves a second chance.”
If Chanyeol wishes to discuss it, he doesn’t have such choice. Baekhyun takes his bag and strides out of the apartment, while Jongdae hesitates for a moment before following him. There are no goodbyes, just Sehun quietly staying in his couch, but Chanyeol is sure tomorrow they will treat him just like it’s another day; it’s Jongin who won’t be so welcomed, and that makes Chanyeol incredibly upset.
“I’m sorry,” Sehun mutters then, glancing at him through his eyelashes.
Chanyeol is about to answer when the boy seizes his phone, showing him the screen so that he types the password. After a moment of confusion, Chanyeol obeys, understanding that Sehun’s silence means something important. As he extends the item back to him, Chanyeol distinguishes a phone number and a familiar name, which are not saved yet, and his vision becomes white for several seconds; Sehun is leaving him the option to not keep it.
“He wants you to call him, just in case you feel like,” he announces to an overwhelmed Chanyeol. “He asked to consider it, please, and I think that... you…”
All of a sudden he’s unable to go on, as if he’s aware of things that neither Chanyeol nor the others are, so Chanyeol comes to the rescue. “It’s okay,” he says, a soft smile that seems to calm Sehun down. “Thank you for not abandoning him.”
Sehun just nods.
It takes him several days to gather the courage to even think about calling Jongin. At first, he doesn’t dare because Baekhyun and Jongdae pay attention to every move of his, and even though the cards are on the table now and there’s no going back, he wonders if they may be right. No one comments about him being distracted or out of the conversations, and while Jongdae relaxes and starts joking again about Jongin and Chanyeol, Baekhyun is doubtful. Chanyeol guesses that they know each other well enough for Baekhyun to predict that he’s not giving up on his ex-boyfriend just because their friends advised him to.
But it takes him days. Days in which Jongin’s face is dim in his imagination, and in which he asks himself if they indeed would be better giving the relationship a second chance. And if he never texts Jongin and deletes his number, will it be okay? If they forget and meet someone new, someone more appropriate, Chanyeol isn’t sure he can be so happy as he was before, not with the question of if it would have worked the second time around.
It’s on a Friday night when he rejects the plans to go out and lays on his bed, head aching. Whether he delays it for longer or not, it’s clear that he will have to face Jongin to either try or move on. And in case it goes terribly wrong, it will be a definitive closure, which it’s much better than limbo. Thus, without thinking twice, he searches for Jongin in his contacts and sends a simple Please come?
It’s odd to open the door for Jongin after living together in the same apartment years ago. In the past, Jongin would be the last one to come home, and he would enter without making a noise to not wake Chanyeol up. It was useless though, because whether Chanyeol had fallen asleep on the couch or on the bed, Jongin was incapable of not giving him a goodnight kiss.
The situation brings memories to Jongin as well, and that’s very evident when he steps in. And now, when he’s not drunk and focused on getting rid of his clothes, he looks very small standing in the middle of the apartment.
“Your coat?” Chanyeol awkwardly asks, pulling him out of his thoughts. Jongin sends him a timid, yet tense smile, and takes off his coat to hand it to him. The garment smells so much like him that Chanyeol is stunned for several seconds, hardly managing to form words in his head. “Do you want... to talk here? Or in the bedroom? I just-”
For a brief moment, Jongin’s lips are about to break into a grin. But then he’s serene once again, and Chanyeol feels a bit empty inside. “Here is okay.”
Taking the initiative this time, Jongin strides to the couch and sits down, and Chanyeol duly observes him before catching up. He leaves a decent distance between them, not feeling very brave, yet it’s Jongin who immediately erases it, sliding until their legs are touching.
“Chanyeol,” he whispers, as if he might scare Chanyeol otherwise. “Have you thought about it?”
He has even dreamed about it. The way Jongin slips his hands between his legs is exactly like in his dreams, caressing the inner part and up through the jeans. Jongin has never been the type to initiate contact so blatantly, and Chanyeol hates that this affects him so much, that he’s wishing Jongin to touch him under his jeans even if he gets his heart broken later. It’s impossible to talk when he thinks about Jongin naked, about his fingers around his cock or how good it feels to be inside Jongin.
“I- are you playing with me?” Chanyeol questions instead, gaze falling on the way Jongin moves. He leans back, however, legs unconsciously spreading at the sensation. “Is this all you want?”
A simple glance is enough proof that Jongin isn’t going to reply. It’s a pointless question, anyhow. If sex was all he needed from him, he wouldn’t have been willing to meet; he got it during the first night.
“We can hide it if you prefer it,” Jongin blurts out then, eyes roaming from his chest to his face. On the other hand, Chanyeol can’t breathe anymore, clouded by Jongin’s lips and perfume, and the way he’s staring at him right now. “We don’t have to tell Baekhyun and Jongdae while we figure it out.”
Chanyeol’s hand acts on its own, caging Jongin’s and leading it to his crotch. Jongin is taken aback for a moment, as though he had anticipated a rejection, but then he catches how Chanyeol’s breath has quickened, dick half hard through the clothes, and he doesn’t hesitate to lean for a kiss. Within a second, Chanyeol has grasped and pulled him onto his lap, grabbing fingers on Jongin’s ass that push him against Chanyeol’s hardness. They barely manage to find each other’s mouth the second time, and Chanyeol ends kissing him wherever his lips land, leaving bruises and bites all over his neck.
“Am I going-?” Jongin begins, gasping as Chanyeol pulls his jeans down. The position doesn’t allow him to get rid of them completely, but Chanyeol is more interested in groping his bare ass, in pressing Jongin’s cock against his stomach. “To be your dirty secret?”
An unrecognizable spark flashes through Chanyeol’s pupils at the question, and it’s right then that Jongin realizes he has won. “Yes.”
A secret is exactly what Chanyeol needs to brush off the negative feelings. He has Jongin on his back before he even plans it, fumbling with his own jeans under the other’s scrutiny. But Jongin waits for him, letting Chanyeol handle him and pull every piece of cloth slowly, observing how he wets his lips as if he’s thinking about licking Jongin wholly.
This was the way they worked, he thinks, when Jongin opens his legs for him. He’s only this compliant when it comes to Chanyeol, and he would give him whatever he wished in bed; if Chanyeol commanded him to his knees right now, or on four, or forced him to open his mouth and suck him, Jongin would be more than pleased. But he has no patience for teasing or ordering him around, not at the view of his ex-boyfriend begging for him - Jongin whispering his name - and he doesn’t waste more time before using his long, lubed fingers to enter him. Jongin arches a bit, cock reacting at the touch, and Chanyeol hovers over him for a kiss that is more tongue than lips.
“My little dirty secret,” Chanyeol repeats, mouth travelling down his Adam’s apple. “You have a lot of pay back to do.”
Although Jongin seems about to talk, Chanyeol doesn’t allow him; holding him by the hips, he adjusts him in the perfect position to fuck him, and Jongin responds by extending his full thighs a bit more, legs around the taller’s low back. The way Chanyeol keeps him pinned just shows how much he’s dying to fuck him, yet he makes sure that they share a last kiss; a last kiss full of moaning and anxiety, one that pushes Jongin to rub against him to find the friction of Chanyeol’s hard dick.
“Shit,” Jongin groans, clenching, when Chanyeol’s cock brushes the cleft of his ass.
Chanyeol is sloppy, coated in lube, and so hard that he has to fist his cock to drive it into Jongin. Their gazes meet in the exact moment he thrusts in, a long stroke that fills Jongin up completely; the moan dies in his throat, and it’s Chanyeol who gasps, instead, at the tightness around him. Head sinking into the crook of his neck, Chanyeol takes a moment to get accustomed to the sensation, aware that the stretching might be too much for Jongin as well.
“Have you not fucked during all this time, at all?” he asks, not intending to get confirmation. He didn’t remember Jongin being so tight the last night they slept together, but again, he was too drunk to even notice it. The thing is, Jongin clenches around him in a way that makes his legs tremble.
Jongin’s dick twitches between their stomachs as he answers, “I fingered myself every night thinking about you and-“
Chanyeol never listens to the rest; he moves his hips backwards and forward, and Jongin can only cry out loud. It’s gratifying how he becomes speechless with a dick up his ass, just able to emit choked moans as Chanyeol pushes inside him. The couch is not enough big for Jongin to writhe, and Chanyeol takes advantage of that to box him against it, to keep his legs apart and smash him on the couch with each thrust. Jongin takes him by the hair as he speeds up, eyes closed and clumsily trying to match the moves.
Just after a few minutes of pleading, Jongin grips his own dick, touching himself to finally come. Chanyeol doesn’t let it happen though, clasping his arms together so that he doesn’t; still connected, he sits and then falls on his back as he drags Jongin with him. For a second Jongin is confused of being on top out of the blue, and needs to find balance when Chanyeol loosens his grip.
“Ride,” Chanyeol demands, breathless.
Jongin has always looked the sexiest like this, or at least to Chanyeol, so he seems a bit more confident now. He rides him calmly at first, as if he isn’t used to Chanyeol’s size yet, but then he supports himself on the taller’s thighs, feet and legs apart in a way that display everything for Chanyeol to see. This time he can’t do anything to control Jongin, who moves on him to his own liking, gasping and groaning every time he sinks fully on his dick.
He has never had Jongin acting so vocal, except maybe for the first time they had sex. Yet Chanyeol understands it, because the heat and the tightness around his dick are also different, better than usual, and it has him on the verge of coming. Or perhaps it’s Jongin, with his mouth obscenely open, taking him so well.
“I’m-“ Chanyeol tries to warn.
If Jongin catches it, he does not care. He doesn’t stop riding him, not even when Chanyeol comes inside as he sits up to clutch him by the hips. And Jongin follows not long after, with Chanyeol’s cum dripping from him and moaning his name.
Jongin becomes, in fact, his dirty secret. They meet every night that they don’t have to go out with their friends, and the touches, the kisses, or any gesture of love and lust are reserved for their solitude. It’s hard for people to suspect on them, or that’s what they believe until Jongdae comments on the lack of tension between them two.
Baekhyun usually doesn’t talk to Jongin, at least one to one, as if his presence bothers him. Almost a whole month passes before he acknowledges him, which is odd because they have to hang out together all the time; but that doesn’t mean Chanyeol is ready to tell them the truth. He isn’t a fool though, and therefore he senses that even if in the beginning Jongin doesn’t mind they’re keeping this from the others, at some point he starts feeling uncomfortable. He says he wants to hold his hand when they’re out in a bar, no matter if Baekhyun is staring at them with the intention of discovering the smallest sign of affection. And Chanyeol gets it, really, but that would be for worse; the way they act is enjoyable, somehow, holding hands under tables and stealing kisses in public when no one is looking. It’s something only both of them share, private and exclusive.
Jongin never deals with discrimination in a healthy way. Sometimes he snuggles Chanyeol at night instead of asking for sex, and it isn’t very difficult to pull him to tell what’s wrong: that he feels out of place, unwanted and even hated. Baekhyun doesn’t hate him though, he’s just afraid of Chanyeol spiraling into sadness if Jongin betrays him again; yet Chanyeol doesn’t mention it, aware that it would make Jongin feel even guiltier. It doesn’t matter what others think, because they don’t know about the Jongin that cries because someone is being mean to him or because he can’t let go of a whole set of regrets - having left, hurt Chanyeol and been a coward in the past.
No one would comprehend why they’re back together as though nothing happened, why Chanyeol tells Jongin he loves him with the same old big smile on his face, or how the spark is still alive. However, this is their secret, and it wouldn’t be so special if others understood it.
Pairing: Chanyeol/Jongin, hinted Baekhyun/Jongdae
Word Count: 6,3k
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: smut, language
Summary: Sleeping with his ex, and on top of that, when Chanyeol was still in love with him, should be on the list of the worst self-damaging decisions he has made so far.
Notes: Betaed byshinealightrose , as usual :) I wrote this back on September/December for fukushimakyong’s birthday and I’m finally posting it after a hiatus (if slowly writing long fics counts as hiatus lol).
There’s no way to deny that sleeping with Jongin had been an error. It had been a bad idea too, but Chanyeol didn’t consider himself very smart when alcohol was on the table. Sleeping with his ex, and on top of that, when Chanyeol was still in love with him, should be on the list of the worst self-damaging decisions he has made so far.
It made sense though, last night, as Chanyeol had to face Jongin’s return after several months living abroad. Jongin had left because of him, to avoid him, as though the break-up had done the same harm to him that it did to Chanyeol. Perhaps running away, distancing himself was the solution to forget someone, but he didn’t understand why Jongin needed to forget him when he hadn’t done anything wrong.
On the contrary, Chanyeol had been left behind. He was, and had always been behind when it came to Jongin; he wasn’t as smart, as attractive, as talented, or as kind as Jongin, and it was clear when he made the choice of continuing his routine as if his boyfriend had never disappeared. For weeks straight, a part of his mind had expected to find Jongin in the apartment when he entered home, like Chanyeol was worth nothing by himself.
And still, as the morning came, Chanyeol had to confront that Jongin was in his bed, skin painted with bruises, and the memory of endless moans that had been in his mind every single second since he left. They had been drunk, but maybe not enough to ignore the fact that they would regret this the next day. He had seen it in Jongin’s eyes, the doubts, the guilt, the need of pushing him away and closer at the same time, and he had hurried to quiet them with his lips.
They weren’t meant to be together, at least not after the last year.
“Tell me Sehun was making fun of me,” Baekhyun chirps up as soon as he spots Chanyeol exiting the classroom, not minding that he has just suffered a two hour lecture. On the other hand, anyone could tell that Baekhyun spent the whole morning in the cafeteria, clinging to anyone disposed to skip classes. “And you didn’t bring home Jongin yesterday.”
Chanyeol pales within a second and, if he wasn’t in front of his best friend, that wouldn’t give him away. If it was Sehun or Jongdae asking, he would simply excuse himself saying he’s sick or hasn’t slept much - though the last one could get him into more trouble - and that would work. But it’s Baekhyun, and the brief moment Chanyeol takes to answer, to think, is enough for the truth to emerge.
“I just-”
“Fuck, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun interrupts. He grasps him by the arm and leads him where there isn’t a mass of people to hear them, though the students still cast glances at them when they pass by. Chanyeol realizes that they probably look like they’re arguing. “I’m not going to ask why but, are you crazy? We have talked about this. You can’t just give into him like this, when you’re the one who ends…”
“I know.” Everyone does. Everyone supposes that Chanyeol suffers and Jongin just lives. But they don’t understand what the problem is, they haven’t been in the relationship, and Jongin has never told them he loves them. It all changes when you’re on the other side. “I was drunk. I wasn’t all that lucid to think ‘oh I shouldn’t fuck the ex that broke up with me and flew out of the country’. But thanks for worrying.”
There’s no harshness in his tone, but the words are enough to placate Baekhyun. His features soften at the reply, at the hint of bitterness. “I didn’t mean to… you know.” He shrugs, a smile as an attempt to lighten up the mood. “Did you talk to him in the morning?”
Shaking his head, Chanyeol mutters, “He was asleep when I left.” And then, at the momentary panic on Baekhyun’s face, he adds, “But, knowing him, there’s no way he will wait for me there.”
However, that’s not entirely true. There are two Jongins for him now: the one who was his boyfriend, cold to everyone but loving to him, the one whose quirks and habits he memorized; and now the one he predicts Jongin must be now. He has a reason to run away from Chanyeol, which means he will always avoid confrontation at all costs. There’s no safety between Chanyeol’s arms anymore and, contrary to the appearances, Jongin needs that, needs to be guided when he loses the direction. Unless he has changed.
“Well, okay,” Baekhyun breathes out, strangely relieved. He rubs Chanyeol’s back, and even if it’s of little help right now, he appreciates the effort. “Sehun will tell us whatever Jongin said about you. He didn’t say anything so far because I refused to believe him, but…”
Of course Sehun could inform Chanyeol of every little gossip he gets. As much as he keeps a strong friendship with Jongin, his big mouth makes him a bad keeper of secrets, especially if they can console Chanyeol. The disadvantage is that Jongin may reserve all his thoughts to himself, being as unreadable as he usually is.
Despite knowing the apartment will be empty, Chanyeol still feels disappointed. Jongin made the bed before leaving, perfectly straightened sheets as though he had never slept there, but his smell remains. He hasn’t forgotten any of his stuff, which kills the hope of him appearing at the door again; Chanyeol remembers that, when they were in the flirting stage, Jongin would leave his keys or his phone and then would come back for them. He never knew if it was on purpose or not, but at some point he dared to invite Jongin to sleep over.
As he sits on the bed, his phone beeps with a text from Sehun that says At Jongdae’s tonight! And even if Chanyeol suspects that this can’t be good for him, that he’s probably not expected to appear now that Jongin is back, he still has the right to. They are his friends, and this is his life, and when Jongin exited the picture, those boys were the ones who filled the emotional holes. He’s not going to run away just because it’s the comfortable decision.
“Look, the one who finally got some!” Jongdae exclaims once he opens the door. His smile widens at the view of Chanyeol, although he isn’t very happy himself. “Bad that you did a repeat with the last guy you slept with. Kinda boring.”
Chanyeol doesn’t answer at the provocation, just narrowing his eyes, but then a voice that sounds terribly like Baekhyun’s yells, “Jongdae!” and the scolding is enough for the boy to writhe back into the house.
A quick scanning relaxes Chanyeol right away. Jongin isn’t there yet, only Sehun and Baekhyun and several bottles in the living room, so he doesn’t waste time grabbing one of them and joining his friends.
“That was so rude,” Baekhyun insists as Jongdae closes the door. “What about you mind your own business and leave serious people with their serious shit?”
At this point, no one takes Baekhyun’s outbursts in consideration, and therefore they don’t get into a fight. He’s simply that kind of person. And if Chanyeol is involved somehow, he enters into an overprotective mode that has always humored the rest; back in the days, those had provoked some arguments between Chanyeol and Jongin, which had taken him off guard. Jongin usually didn’t show any jealousy, let alone because of mutual friends, but he would complain about how Baekhyun obviously had feelings for Chanyeol. He would have believed it, if it wasn’t because Baekhyun and Jongdae had been playing push and pull for years.
“What serious shit?” Jongdae moans. He plops down next to Chanyeol and places his feet onto his lap with a feline grin. “Wanna bet how long takes them to get back together?”
Baekhyun observes Jongdae for a single second before drifting his attention to Sehun, snatching the bottle from him. “What do you say, dude?”
“That’s not mine to tell,” he replies, dubious. He seems to catch up with the trap Baekhyun is setting, yet Chanyeol is aware that it’s his presence, the spark of hope that he must have on his face at the moment, that makes Sehun choose silence. “Ask Jongin yourself.”
Even if that’s supposed to be directed at Baekhyun and Jongdae, Chanyeol realizes that this is some type of secret message. If Jongin has agreed to this, it can mean two things: that he wants Chanyeol to talk to him, or that he wants Chanyeol to completely quit.
“Ew.” Jongdae makes a face, frowning at Sehun. “Now you’re loyal to that runaway?”
This time, the warning comes from Chanyeol, out of habit, and his tone wavers as he says, “Jongdae, no.”
Of course, the break-up affected the whole group when it happened, but as Sehun didn’t take sides - maybe because he was Jongin’s rock - Baekhyun and Jongdae did, suffering the same Chanyeol did. There’s rancor among them, even if Jongin is still their friend, and it makes Chanyeol uneasy. It’s a dull way of thinking, because they aren’t going to get back together, and therefore he won’t feel like he put his friends through this for nothing.
However, other times it makes sense in his head. When Jongin shows up that night, wearing plain jeans and a very familiar blue jumper, Chanyeol remembers why he was and is in love with him. Jongin has layers. There is the outer one, which presents an indifferent, distant boy, with a sense of superiority even; and there are others, that fall off one by one as Jongin feels comfortable. It overwhelms Chanyeol to think that he knows how vulnerable Jongin can be, so human and insecure, and how well he disguises himself.
Their friends make the effort to keep them apart all the time, and Baekhyun clings to his side as the alcohol poisons them, whispering that Chanyeol doesn’t have anything to fear. Yet he does, every time he finds Jongin’s eyes on him, his glass untouched and his legs crossed as though he’s proving that he won’t get drunk and fall into the same mistake. Jongin’s gaze is unreadable, but also calculating, pressuring, and Chanyeol wonders if this is a test, if he’s being watched for Jongin to check his value.
“I can ask Jongdae to kick him out,” Baekhyun proposes, tailing after Chanyeol when he announces he needs to go to the bathroom. “He does anything I say if I do this thing with my eyes, you know. Like literally anything.”
Despite the heaviness in Chanyeol’s chest, he laughs. “That wouldn’t be very discreet. And I don’t want to know what you do with Jongdae.”
Much to his disgrace, Baekhyun sneaks into the bathroom with him, huffing when Chanyeol tries to block him out. He darts to the shower, slipping into it with a pleased gesture that hints it’s going to be his bed tonight, and then exclaims, “But we aren’t together! He’s always playing games. Aren’t we similar, you and Jongin, and Jongdae and me?”
Perhaps, except they haven’t broken each other’s hearts, Chanyeol would like to point out. He zips his mouth though, thinking that arguing with a drunkard isn’t very useful, and that Baekhyun isn’t the best option to vomit his heart out to right now. He has so much within, and he needs to vent it out, legs trembling just at the thought of going back to the living room with Jongin.
“Come on.” He helps Baekhyun out of the bathtub after washing his hands, and his friend holds onto him with a silly laugh. “You should go to sleep or something.”
“Okay, or something,” Baekhyun blabbers. He keeps his arms around Chanyeol’s neck, and although it hinders them to walk out the bathroom, they both snicker at the position. Baekhyun sends him a teasing smile. “Let’s go sleep together.”
Those jokes have always been normal between them, so Chanyeol isn’t surprised the alcohol brings them out. They used to share a bed during first year, when none of them had enough money to pay for an individual bedroom; it had led to a lot of entertaining misunderstandings while they tried to explain to people that they weren’t having sex. That’s why Chanyeol just plays along, grinning, until he looks up and discovers Jongin in front of them. Lips pressed against each other, he looks far from contented, gaze roaming over the way Baekhyun sticks to him.
“Can we,” Jongin dryly begins, no emotions in his voice, “talk?”
This time, they don’t have any excuse to dodge Jongin’s proposal, and it would be very suspicious if Baekhyun decided all of a sudden that he’s ill or needs Chanyeol for some stupid reason. However, Chanyeol only manages a nod as a reply, and then Jongin is turning on his heels, disappearing into Jongdae’s bedroom without an extra word.
“You don’t have to,” Baekhyun states, noticing the moment of hesitation.
And he doesn’t have to, really. He owes Jongin nothing, unless the other is disposed to take the pain for the two, and thus he doesn’t need to discuss whatever Jongin wants now. But there’s a charm that always works against Chanyeol’s well being, and he feels the odd obligation of making Jongin happy, whether if it’s complying to everything he asks or setting himself apart. It’s a lost battle from the beginning.
“Go with the others,” Chanyeol decides at last, nudging Baekhyun softly so that he doesn’t lose his balance. “Don’t worry.”
When Chanyeol closes the door, drowning the noises from the living room, Jongin is sitting on Jongdae’s bed with the same blank expression. An ice block on the outside, yes, but Chanyeol knows that he must have his toes curled up inside his sneakers, tachycardia and a deep regret building. Jongin isn’t good at sorting problems out, less if they require bravery.
Chanyeol licks his dry lips, still standing by the door. “So?”
As if it’s a signal, Jongin’s gaze strikes him, and it’s right then that Chanyeol realizes Jongin is angry. Burning and retaining the urge of arguing with him.
“Does he know?”
“Know what?”
“That we slept together.”
Those were the last words Chanyeol expected. He was ready for Jongin to brush that night off; he didn’t expect him to mention it, almost in a challenging way, like that has been his purpose all this time. Sleeping with him and then talking it out makes Chanyeol feel like he’s following some love manual of a cheesy movie, just that the love line died long ago.
“Everyone knows,” Chanyeol croaks out at last. He couldn’t have hidden it either way, since Sehun spread the news, and Jongin shouldn’t have the right to get mad at him for this. It was his intimate friend who spoke, after all. “Why does it matter?”
When their eyes meet, Chanyeol alarmed and Jongin glaring, the tension immediately softens. Jongin sets his gaze on the floor instead, head hanging, and mutters, “They hate me.”
“They don’t-”
“They do. Am I the bad one in their book? The one who plays and has no heart?” Jongin asks very low, almost like he doesn’t require an answer.
The room swings around Chanyeol, all objects blurred except Jongin, who is triggering memories with this show of insecurity. His feet lead him before his mind decides it, and then he’s next to Jongin, and his ex-boyfriend is peering at him with those big, sleepy eyes like Chanyeol has the solutions for any problem in this life. The realization hits him with too much violence, now that he’s not drunk enough to ignore what he experiences while observing Jongin; the spark isn’t completely dead, and Jongin has the lighter.
“When I left, I had a lot of reasons to stay,” he continues, hands gripping the edge of the bed. Chanyeol wants to ease that tension, take his hands and rub them until he draws a laugh out of him. “But now that I’m back, I’ve lost them. There’s nothing for me here.”
It’s inevitable for Chanyeol to glance at Jongin’s lips for a second, remembering that a kiss used to be an effective way of helping him to forget. When Jongin became jealous of Baekhyun, Chanyeol would kiss him better, though at first he would have to smooch a grumpy version with his arms crossed and a frown on his face. And he yearns to do it now, fingertips tingling to reach Jongin’s jaw and pull him closer, as if he won’t reject Chanyeol even though he’s sober.
Instead, Chanyeol breathes to calm himself down, and murmurs, “Why did you come back?”
There it is, Jongin staring at him in surprise, for Chanyeol should know, should be able to read his intentions. But he can’t. Even though he hopes this is the old Jongin, he wouldn’t risk taking a bad step and falling so hard.
“You know why.” Jongin’s hand flies from the bed to Chanyeol’s thigh, startling him, and Chanyeol senses the heat extending under his jeans. It isn’t a light touch, but a grip, like the one he would use to push Chanyeol onto the bed; the difference is the plea in his pupils when Jongin looks up at him, defenses finally crumbling down. “I’ll do whatever you want. Whatever. Just, please, Chanyeol-”
“Stop.”
Jongin doesn’t. He fists the front of Chanyeol t-shirt, and whispers through clenched teeth an angry, “Fuck me.”
It is wrong. Chanyeol is repulsed at the situation, at Jongin wanting to be used like this, regardless of Chanyeol wanting him with honesty or not. But Jongin has that power over him, which would push him to comply even if it destroyed both of them; Jongin misses him, though it’s only because he doesn’t own Chanyeol in any way, or because it’s hard for him not to have that support.
So, when Jongin presses his lips against his, a thousand negative thoughts invade his mind. The fear of being hurt again, of Jongin utilizing him until he’s happy enough to move on without him; and over all, of this being an attack of nostalgia and nothing else. However, Jongin erases all of the doubts by guiding Chanyeol’s arms to grasp him by the waist, and the sensation of holding his lean frame makes Chanyeol aware of how much he needs this. Jongin is toxic, but it’s hard to care while he’s being intoxicated with the feeling of Jongin’s tongue in his mouth. It’s neither the place nor the moment, and yet Chanyeol forces him on the bed, gasping when Jongin raises his hips to rub on him. A moan slips out of him, legs failing as Chanyeol places himself between them, and then he’s deep into the kiss and the warmness of Jongin’s body; completely lost.
“Out of my bedroom.”
The moment of delirium is broken by Jongdae’s voice, and it feels like a slap for Chanyeol to go back to his senses. Jongin’s body tenses under him, and he rolls away on the bed with a gasp, flushing in embarrassment.
Jongdae isn’t a bit ashamed of having caught them this way, a glare travelling between his two friends as he leans against the door, and when both of them remain frozen on the bed, he just growls again, “Out.”
“Are you out of your fucking mind?”
After rushing out of Jongdae’s house last night, Chanyeol has been hiding in his apartment, disregarding the bombing of Baekhyun and Jongdae through texts and calls. The issue with them is that they always get their way to reach him, even if they have to skip classes and invade his home without being invited first. It would be a sweet gesture, if it wasn’t because Chanyeol doesn’t need to hear a scolding right now, not when the ghost of Jongin’s lips still dances on his skin. It’s a bit surprising though that Sehun is accompanying them, with his hands in his pockets and clearly uncomfortable.
“He’s out of his fucking mind, of course,” Baekhyun answers Jongdae, preventing him in time from hitting their friend. Chanyeol has retracted into the couch, yet his evident remorse and cowardice isn’t enough reason for Baekhyun and Jongdae to stop. “What is self-love for you, man? Do you want to read the list of stupid stuff you have done in the past few days?”
“You guys don’t understand,” Chanyeol attempts, shutting himself when Jongdae throws a dirty look at him.
“So Jongin leaves you heartbroken, and then as soon as he’s here, you two fuck,” Jongdae reminds him, as if he hasn’t been mulling over it during each little minute since. “He disappears on you the next day, complaining and crying to Sehun, or whatever these two do when they’re alone. You mope for days realizing that he’s not serious about you. Oh, but then he drags you to Jongdae’s bedroom, and you think ‘why not? I’m going to fuck him even if he ditches and ruins me again’.”
Putting it that way, Chanyeol thinks, is not fair. He hasn’t said a word about Jongin begging for him, certain that this would be a way of betraying him. A curious conclusion, indeed, given that Jongin hasn’t approached him after the second night in which they ended kissing. Chanyeol avoids thinking that he may be a mistake; Jongin searched for his acceptance in levels beyond a simple make-up, and the rest don’t hold that important piece of information.
Due to the silence, Baekhyun sighs. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Chanyeol shrugs. “That I want to be with him.”
“God.”
At this point, Jongdae doesn’t dare to look him in the eye anymore, and judging Baekhyun’s reaction, one would think that Chanyeol is replacing them forever. That it’s them or Jongin. He gets it. They rebuilt him while Jongin was away, and it was a hard task that it could collapse easily; a couple of kisses, a promise, and Chanyeol will cascade into the trap. Hard work that might have not worked in the first place.
“Jongin doesn’t intend to hurt me,” Chanyeol continues, taking advantage of the short, wordless moment they are going through. “He never does. But those things happen, and sometimes I’m guilty as well. I didn’t treat him like I should when we were together. I... was paranoid about him cheating on me, and he never gave me reasons to.”
That doesn’t seem to settle well with them either. Jongdae shakes his head in denial. “He ran away. And it wasn’t because of that.”
Jongin had explained it to him, the last day, with his suitcase at the door and the plane ticket in his hand. He had freaked out. Living together, in a peaceful environment, where no argument was capable of disturbing their love, he had been scared away. He was saving his own ass, even if there was no danger for him.
“Some people are just not ready for serious relationships,” Chanyeol replies in the end.
“He was egotistical.”
“And so was I.”
“Fuck, you weren’t!” Baekhyun interrupts them, scandalized. For the first time, Sehun is affected by the conversation, though much to Chanyeol’s surprise, he opts for settling a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder. It’s a sign of agreement, and Sehun shouldn’t be doing it; Jongin won’t have anyone if he takes Baekhyun and Jongdae’s side. “You’re obviously going to do whatever you want, but you have to hear it: we don’t think it’s right. We don’t think he deserves a second chance.”
If Chanyeol wishes to discuss it, he doesn’t have such choice. Baekhyun takes his bag and strides out of the apartment, while Jongdae hesitates for a moment before following him. There are no goodbyes, just Sehun quietly staying in his couch, but Chanyeol is sure tomorrow they will treat him just like it’s another day; it’s Jongin who won’t be so welcomed, and that makes Chanyeol incredibly upset.
“I’m sorry,” Sehun mutters then, glancing at him through his eyelashes.
Chanyeol is about to answer when the boy seizes his phone, showing him the screen so that he types the password. After a moment of confusion, Chanyeol obeys, understanding that Sehun’s silence means something important. As he extends the item back to him, Chanyeol distinguishes a phone number and a familiar name, which are not saved yet, and his vision becomes white for several seconds; Sehun is leaving him the option to not keep it.
“He wants you to call him, just in case you feel like,” he announces to an overwhelmed Chanyeol. “He asked to consider it, please, and I think that... you…”
All of a sudden he’s unable to go on, as if he’s aware of things that neither Chanyeol nor the others are, so Chanyeol comes to the rescue. “It’s okay,” he says, a soft smile that seems to calm Sehun down. “Thank you for not abandoning him.”
Sehun just nods.
It takes him several days to gather the courage to even think about calling Jongin. At first, he doesn’t dare because Baekhyun and Jongdae pay attention to every move of his, and even though the cards are on the table now and there’s no going back, he wonders if they may be right. No one comments about him being distracted or out of the conversations, and while Jongdae relaxes and starts joking again about Jongin and Chanyeol, Baekhyun is doubtful. Chanyeol guesses that they know each other well enough for Baekhyun to predict that he’s not giving up on his ex-boyfriend just because their friends advised him to.
But it takes him days. Days in which Jongin’s face is dim in his imagination, and in which he asks himself if they indeed would be better giving the relationship a second chance. And if he never texts Jongin and deletes his number, will it be okay? If they forget and meet someone new, someone more appropriate, Chanyeol isn’t sure he can be so happy as he was before, not with the question of if it would have worked the second time around.
It’s on a Friday night when he rejects the plans to go out and lays on his bed, head aching. Whether he delays it for longer or not, it’s clear that he will have to face Jongin to either try or move on. And in case it goes terribly wrong, it will be a definitive closure, which it’s much better than limbo. Thus, without thinking twice, he searches for Jongin in his contacts and sends a simple Please come?
It’s odd to open the door for Jongin after living together in the same apartment years ago. In the past, Jongin would be the last one to come home, and he would enter without making a noise to not wake Chanyeol up. It was useless though, because whether Chanyeol had fallen asleep on the couch or on the bed, Jongin was incapable of not giving him a goodnight kiss.
The situation brings memories to Jongin as well, and that’s very evident when he steps in. And now, when he’s not drunk and focused on getting rid of his clothes, he looks very small standing in the middle of the apartment.
“Your coat?” Chanyeol awkwardly asks, pulling him out of his thoughts. Jongin sends him a timid, yet tense smile, and takes off his coat to hand it to him. The garment smells so much like him that Chanyeol is stunned for several seconds, hardly managing to form words in his head. “Do you want... to talk here? Or in the bedroom? I just-”
For a brief moment, Jongin’s lips are about to break into a grin. But then he’s serene once again, and Chanyeol feels a bit empty inside. “Here is okay.”
Taking the initiative this time, Jongin strides to the couch and sits down, and Chanyeol duly observes him before catching up. He leaves a decent distance between them, not feeling very brave, yet it’s Jongin who immediately erases it, sliding until their legs are touching.
“Chanyeol,” he whispers, as if he might scare Chanyeol otherwise. “Have you thought about it?”
He has even dreamed about it. The way Jongin slips his hands between his legs is exactly like in his dreams, caressing the inner part and up through the jeans. Jongin has never been the type to initiate contact so blatantly, and Chanyeol hates that this affects him so much, that he’s wishing Jongin to touch him under his jeans even if he gets his heart broken later. It’s impossible to talk when he thinks about Jongin naked, about his fingers around his cock or how good it feels to be inside Jongin.
“I- are you playing with me?” Chanyeol questions instead, gaze falling on the way Jongin moves. He leans back, however, legs unconsciously spreading at the sensation. “Is this all you want?”
A simple glance is enough proof that Jongin isn’t going to reply. It’s a pointless question, anyhow. If sex was all he needed from him, he wouldn’t have been willing to meet; he got it during the first night.
“We can hide it if you prefer it,” Jongin blurts out then, eyes roaming from his chest to his face. On the other hand, Chanyeol can’t breathe anymore, clouded by Jongin’s lips and perfume, and the way he’s staring at him right now. “We don’t have to tell Baekhyun and Jongdae while we figure it out.”
Chanyeol’s hand acts on its own, caging Jongin’s and leading it to his crotch. Jongin is taken aback for a moment, as though he had anticipated a rejection, but then he catches how Chanyeol’s breath has quickened, dick half hard through the clothes, and he doesn’t hesitate to lean for a kiss. Within a second, Chanyeol has grasped and pulled him onto his lap, grabbing fingers on Jongin’s ass that push him against Chanyeol’s hardness. They barely manage to find each other’s mouth the second time, and Chanyeol ends kissing him wherever his lips land, leaving bruises and bites all over his neck.
“Am I going-?” Jongin begins, gasping as Chanyeol pulls his jeans down. The position doesn’t allow him to get rid of them completely, but Chanyeol is more interested in groping his bare ass, in pressing Jongin’s cock against his stomach. “To be your dirty secret?”
An unrecognizable spark flashes through Chanyeol’s pupils at the question, and it’s right then that Jongin realizes he has won. “Yes.”
A secret is exactly what Chanyeol needs to brush off the negative feelings. He has Jongin on his back before he even plans it, fumbling with his own jeans under the other’s scrutiny. But Jongin waits for him, letting Chanyeol handle him and pull every piece of cloth slowly, observing how he wets his lips as if he’s thinking about licking Jongin wholly.
This was the way they worked, he thinks, when Jongin opens his legs for him. He’s only this compliant when it comes to Chanyeol, and he would give him whatever he wished in bed; if Chanyeol commanded him to his knees right now, or on four, or forced him to open his mouth and suck him, Jongin would be more than pleased. But he has no patience for teasing or ordering him around, not at the view of his ex-boyfriend begging for him - Jongin whispering his name - and he doesn’t waste more time before using his long, lubed fingers to enter him. Jongin arches a bit, cock reacting at the touch, and Chanyeol hovers over him for a kiss that is more tongue than lips.
“My little dirty secret,” Chanyeol repeats, mouth travelling down his Adam’s apple. “You have a lot of pay back to do.”
Although Jongin seems about to talk, Chanyeol doesn’t allow him; holding him by the hips, he adjusts him in the perfect position to fuck him, and Jongin responds by extending his full thighs a bit more, legs around the taller’s low back. The way Chanyeol keeps him pinned just shows how much he’s dying to fuck him, yet he makes sure that they share a last kiss; a last kiss full of moaning and anxiety, one that pushes Jongin to rub against him to find the friction of Chanyeol’s hard dick.
“Shit,” Jongin groans, clenching, when Chanyeol’s cock brushes the cleft of his ass.
Chanyeol is sloppy, coated in lube, and so hard that he has to fist his cock to drive it into Jongin. Their gazes meet in the exact moment he thrusts in, a long stroke that fills Jongin up completely; the moan dies in his throat, and it’s Chanyeol who gasps, instead, at the tightness around him. Head sinking into the crook of his neck, Chanyeol takes a moment to get accustomed to the sensation, aware that the stretching might be too much for Jongin as well.
“Have you not fucked during all this time, at all?” he asks, not intending to get confirmation. He didn’t remember Jongin being so tight the last night they slept together, but again, he was too drunk to even notice it. The thing is, Jongin clenches around him in a way that makes his legs tremble.
Jongin’s dick twitches between their stomachs as he answers, “I fingered myself every night thinking about you and-“
Chanyeol never listens to the rest; he moves his hips backwards and forward, and Jongin can only cry out loud. It’s gratifying how he becomes speechless with a dick up his ass, just able to emit choked moans as Chanyeol pushes inside him. The couch is not enough big for Jongin to writhe, and Chanyeol takes advantage of that to box him against it, to keep his legs apart and smash him on the couch with each thrust. Jongin takes him by the hair as he speeds up, eyes closed and clumsily trying to match the moves.
Just after a few minutes of pleading, Jongin grips his own dick, touching himself to finally come. Chanyeol doesn’t let it happen though, clasping his arms together so that he doesn’t; still connected, he sits and then falls on his back as he drags Jongin with him. For a second Jongin is confused of being on top out of the blue, and needs to find balance when Chanyeol loosens his grip.
“Ride,” Chanyeol demands, breathless.
Jongin has always looked the sexiest like this, or at least to Chanyeol, so he seems a bit more confident now. He rides him calmly at first, as if he isn’t used to Chanyeol’s size yet, but then he supports himself on the taller’s thighs, feet and legs apart in a way that display everything for Chanyeol to see. This time he can’t do anything to control Jongin, who moves on him to his own liking, gasping and groaning every time he sinks fully on his dick.
He has never had Jongin acting so vocal, except maybe for the first time they had sex. Yet Chanyeol understands it, because the heat and the tightness around his dick are also different, better than usual, and it has him on the verge of coming. Or perhaps it’s Jongin, with his mouth obscenely open, taking him so well.
“I’m-“ Chanyeol tries to warn.
If Jongin catches it, he does not care. He doesn’t stop riding him, not even when Chanyeol comes inside as he sits up to clutch him by the hips. And Jongin follows not long after, with Chanyeol’s cum dripping from him and moaning his name.
Jongin becomes, in fact, his dirty secret. They meet every night that they don’t have to go out with their friends, and the touches, the kisses, or any gesture of love and lust are reserved for their solitude. It’s hard for people to suspect on them, or that’s what they believe until Jongdae comments on the lack of tension between them two.
Baekhyun usually doesn’t talk to Jongin, at least one to one, as if his presence bothers him. Almost a whole month passes before he acknowledges him, which is odd because they have to hang out together all the time; but that doesn’t mean Chanyeol is ready to tell them the truth. He isn’t a fool though, and therefore he senses that even if in the beginning Jongin doesn’t mind they’re keeping this from the others, at some point he starts feeling uncomfortable. He says he wants to hold his hand when they’re out in a bar, no matter if Baekhyun is staring at them with the intention of discovering the smallest sign of affection. And Chanyeol gets it, really, but that would be for worse; the way they act is enjoyable, somehow, holding hands under tables and stealing kisses in public when no one is looking. It’s something only both of them share, private and exclusive.
Jongin never deals with discrimination in a healthy way. Sometimes he snuggles Chanyeol at night instead of asking for sex, and it isn’t very difficult to pull him to tell what’s wrong: that he feels out of place, unwanted and even hated. Baekhyun doesn’t hate him though, he’s just afraid of Chanyeol spiraling into sadness if Jongin betrays him again; yet Chanyeol doesn’t mention it, aware that it would make Jongin feel even guiltier. It doesn’t matter what others think, because they don’t know about the Jongin that cries because someone is being mean to him or because he can’t let go of a whole set of regrets - having left, hurt Chanyeol and been a coward in the past.
No one would comprehend why they’re back together as though nothing happened, why Chanyeol tells Jongin he loves him with the same old big smile on his face, or how the spark is still alive. However, this is their secret, and it wouldn’t be so special if others understood it.