Music contemplation
Alright, here's somewhat of a contemplative post, and as always, I'd love to hear all of your input.
I've been thinking a lot about what exactly I want to do with my future in the vein of music. It seems like every once in a while I contemplate this, and now that it's getting to be the time of year when I should be practicing a lot for orchestra auditions, the contemplation is coming back. Last year, I wrote a huge entry about how I don't want to be competitive with the flute anymore, and I've just read it again, and all of it is still pretty much true. Towards the end of that post, I mentioned that I might do two more auditions (orchestra this coming year and senior year), but that other than that, I was done for a while. And so, I guess now I'm contemplating whether or not to do that orchestra audition this year.
Playing the flute has been one of the most important things in my life, and I've now been doing it for over half my life. This summer though, I really haven't had the drive. And I know that I still love music, because last summer I had this problem too, and it actually continued into the school year- I practiced far less than I should have, and I'm surprised I even made it through my lessons. The only things I was sure about were the Banshees and my random alone-time playing sessions when the mood struck. But then, at the end of the year when the orchestra performed Mahler and we reached the end of the fifth movement and the music was just so incredibly powerful, I remember having this feeling that everything was worth it, the forced competition was worth it, the reluctance to practice was worth it, everything was worth it just to be able to be a part of something that felt like that did.
I also feel like if I were to stop playing with a large ensemble like orchestra, I'd be turning my back on something that has shaped me, even if I were to continue playing in other ways. If I think about all of the friends in my life whom I met before college (met in real life) and am still close with, I can think of maybe two whom I would have still met and become friends with had I not been in band- and those two I met before band was an option. And even my college friends I might not have met if not for band, because music department activities were 99% of my extracurriculars, and those are supposedly a huge factor in getting into college. Music itself has shaped my internal being, and I'll continue playing music in some way for the rest of my life, there's no question about that. But being part of a large, organized music group- basically, a band or an orchestra- has shaped not only my internal life but also my external life, and I can't turn my back on that. It's sort of like, and I know this will make everyone groan at my obsessiveness, but the whole debate over whether Kelly Clarkson should run as far away from American Idol as she can, or embrace it because it got her where she is. I would be NOTHING without my experiences in band, and I feel like to stop would be to turn my back on that.
But I just don't like the competition. And I won't say that I don't have a competitive bone in my body, because I've definitely grown a few (or else I wouldn't still be playing the flute), but I still by nature am not a competitive person overall, and while I'm capable of competition when it's required, I don't like it. Sometimes I do feel the competitive fire, but I don't like myself when I do. And I'm not saying that competitiveness is an inherently bad quality in a person- I used to think that, but I realize now that some of my closest friends are very competitive people and it's made them strong, gotten them far, and is a quality that is a prerequisite for what they want to do with their lives. It makes them happy, fuels their drive, helps them move forward. But that's not how it is for me- competitiveness makes me feel guilty and anxious. It's just not a part of who I am deep down, and I hate that, especially for winds, orchestra is some sort of status symbol. Sure, it's something to take pride in if I get in, but what about everyone who didn't? People with more of a competitive nature might say, well, too bad for them, they didn't work hard enough or they aren't talented enough or some combination of the two, you deserve it, don't worry about the people who don't. And maybe I'd save myself a lot of ruminations if I thought that way, but I can't, because I know that it sucks to be told that you aren't good enough, that no matter how badly you want something, you can't have it because there are just too many people better than you. It hurts. And I HATE the stress of going to an audition and wondering if this time I'm going to be hurt or if this time I'm going to be the reason other people are hurt. And I know that you can't let everyone in who wants to do it, because an orchestra with 20 flutists would be ridiculous, and you have to take the best auditions to form (hopefully) the best orchestra. I understand that, and I'm not saying it shouldn't be that way, I'm just saying that I myself don't feel completely comfortable being a part of all the politics and drama that come with it.
BUT BUT BUT. I LOVE playing in the orchestra. I love it. I never had the opportunity to play with strings until I got to college (my high school didn't have an orchestra, and for All State I never placed high enough to be in the orchestra), so the whole orchestra environment is still a little bit of a novelty for me. It's not brand new anymore, but it's still relatively new in the timeline of my music-playing days. But I love how it sounds, how it feels, and I love the music. In my life I don't think I've ever felt anything like I felt when we performed Beethoven and Mahler. Or even when we've played less "big" things, like when we did Pirates and Lord of the Rings, stuff like that, it was just so fun and everything. I love orchestra.
So, do I love orchestra so much that I should just suck it up and put myself through the torture of auditioning and competition so that I can have a chance at being a part of it again? Or do I dislike competition so much that I should back away and let someone else experience orchestra?
It's a tough decision. Any opinions from the outside would be greatly appreciated. :)
I've been thinking a lot about what exactly I want to do with my future in the vein of music. It seems like every once in a while I contemplate this, and now that it's getting to be the time of year when I should be practicing a lot for orchestra auditions, the contemplation is coming back. Last year, I wrote a huge entry about how I don't want to be competitive with the flute anymore, and I've just read it again, and all of it is still pretty much true. Towards the end of that post, I mentioned that I might do two more auditions (orchestra this coming year and senior year), but that other than that, I was done for a while. And so, I guess now I'm contemplating whether or not to do that orchestra audition this year.
Playing the flute has been one of the most important things in my life, and I've now been doing it for over half my life. This summer though, I really haven't had the drive. And I know that I still love music, because last summer I had this problem too, and it actually continued into the school year- I practiced far less than I should have, and I'm surprised I even made it through my lessons. The only things I was sure about were the Banshees and my random alone-time playing sessions when the mood struck. But then, at the end of the year when the orchestra performed Mahler and we reached the end of the fifth movement and the music was just so incredibly powerful, I remember having this feeling that everything was worth it, the forced competition was worth it, the reluctance to practice was worth it, everything was worth it just to be able to be a part of something that felt like that did.
I also feel like if I were to stop playing with a large ensemble like orchestra, I'd be turning my back on something that has shaped me, even if I were to continue playing in other ways. If I think about all of the friends in my life whom I met before college (met in real life) and am still close with, I can think of maybe two whom I would have still met and become friends with had I not been in band- and those two I met before band was an option. And even my college friends I might not have met if not for band, because music department activities were 99% of my extracurriculars, and those are supposedly a huge factor in getting into college. Music itself has shaped my internal being, and I'll continue playing music in some way for the rest of my life, there's no question about that. But being part of a large, organized music group- basically, a band or an orchestra- has shaped not only my internal life but also my external life, and I can't turn my back on that. It's sort of like, and I know this will make everyone groan at my obsessiveness, but the whole debate over whether Kelly Clarkson should run as far away from American Idol as she can, or embrace it because it got her where she is. I would be NOTHING without my experiences in band, and I feel like to stop would be to turn my back on that.
But I just don't like the competition. And I won't say that I don't have a competitive bone in my body, because I've definitely grown a few (or else I wouldn't still be playing the flute), but I still by nature am not a competitive person overall, and while I'm capable of competition when it's required, I don't like it. Sometimes I do feel the competitive fire, but I don't like myself when I do. And I'm not saying that competitiveness is an inherently bad quality in a person- I used to think that, but I realize now that some of my closest friends are very competitive people and it's made them strong, gotten them far, and is a quality that is a prerequisite for what they want to do with their lives. It makes them happy, fuels their drive, helps them move forward. But that's not how it is for me- competitiveness makes me feel guilty and anxious. It's just not a part of who I am deep down, and I hate that, especially for winds, orchestra is some sort of status symbol. Sure, it's something to take pride in if I get in, but what about everyone who didn't? People with more of a competitive nature might say, well, too bad for them, they didn't work hard enough or they aren't talented enough or some combination of the two, you deserve it, don't worry about the people who don't. And maybe I'd save myself a lot of ruminations if I thought that way, but I can't, because I know that it sucks to be told that you aren't good enough, that no matter how badly you want something, you can't have it because there are just too many people better than you. It hurts. And I HATE the stress of going to an audition and wondering if this time I'm going to be hurt or if this time I'm going to be the reason other people are hurt. And I know that you can't let everyone in who wants to do it, because an orchestra with 20 flutists would be ridiculous, and you have to take the best auditions to form (hopefully) the best orchestra. I understand that, and I'm not saying it shouldn't be that way, I'm just saying that I myself don't feel completely comfortable being a part of all the politics and drama that come with it.
BUT BUT BUT. I LOVE playing in the orchestra. I love it. I never had the opportunity to play with strings until I got to college (my high school didn't have an orchestra, and for All State I never placed high enough to be in the orchestra), so the whole orchestra environment is still a little bit of a novelty for me. It's not brand new anymore, but it's still relatively new in the timeline of my music-playing days. But I love how it sounds, how it feels, and I love the music. In my life I don't think I've ever felt anything like I felt when we performed Beethoven and Mahler. Or even when we've played less "big" things, like when we did Pirates and Lord of the Rings, stuff like that, it was just so fun and everything. I love orchestra.
So, do I love orchestra so much that I should just suck it up and put myself through the torture of auditioning and competition so that I can have a chance at being a part of it again? Or do I dislike competition so much that I should back away and let someone else experience orchestra?
It's a tough decision. Any opinions from the outside would be greatly appreciated. :)