No day but today.
Wow- I know I haven't given you guys a sufficient update since I've gotten back to school. A lot has happened, but hopefully I can sum it up briefly (heh, yeah right). I've made a few lj-cuts just for space, but these are a couple huge decisions in my life, so it would be great if you could read about them. :)
In as simple of terms as possible, it somehow finally got knocked into my head that I need to be living my life not only on my own terms, but on my own terms NOW. In other words, not only do I need to do what I want and not what others want of me, but I also need to do what I want now, at age almost-nineteen, and not force myself to keep doing what I wanted to do when I was twelve or thirteen.
So, I made the decision and will now announce it for everyone to see:
I am no longer pre-med. I had planned on using this entire semester to figure this one out, but on my first day of biology, it just felt like I needed to get out, that it wasn't what I wanted to do. I think it just became something that I said for so long that I never really considered whether I actually wanted to do it anymore. But the fact is, I don't enjoy science (other than psychology) anymore. I still find science interesting, sure, but I can't stand to do it in class three or four times a week, let alone as a career right now. It's just not a discipline that suits me.
Rather than just waste my time this semester, I dropped not only chemistry (which I had planned to do), but biology and calculus as well. I was taking five classes (most people take four), so rather than having three replacements, I opted for only two. I signed up for Abnormal Psychology- a class that I'd wanted to take but couldn't because it was at the same time as chem- and Medeival Welsh. And then in addition to those, there are the two classes I'm hanging onto- Physiology of Behavior and Elementary Russian.
I can already say that I have NEVER been more satisfied with my college academic life than I am right now. Part of it is because I got lucky and got all outstanding profs, but a larger part is that I am doing what I want to be doing- before it was like, I was taking chem because I had to. Now, everything is what I WANT to do. I am still a Psych major (though I haven't officially declared it yet) and am thinking about doing a double major of Psych with either Russian Lit or Russian Civ. I am REALLY liking Russian. It's interesting because it's a new alphabet, so we're starting from square one, so it's like learning to read all over again- sounding out words letter by letter, that whole bit. Russian spelling makes a lot of sense though, it's entirely phonetic, so once I get all of the letters and sounds memorized, it actually might not be too hard.
What do I want to do for a career? I don't know, exactly. I know I want to do something in the field of psychology. I'm thinking about being a child psychologist, or maybe just a general psychologist- get my phD and end up specializng in some specific type of disorder. Or I could work as a child psychologist or social worker/consultant type person for a Russian adoption agency. We'll see- but right now I'm doing what I want to do, I'm taking classes I want to take, and I am happy.
and
This whole new philosophy has reached into my music as well. It hit me while I was waiting for my orchestra audition that I hate the politics of playing the flute. I love playing, and I don't know what I would do without it. But I hate how it's so hard to play the flute just for the sake of playing the flute. It's a very competitive instrument- not only are there are a lot of people who play it, there are a lot of people who are REALLY good at it. So you always have to be on your guard, proving that you deserve to be where you are or that you deserve to get further, proving that you're better than everyone, and knowing that everyone is trying to prove that they are better than you. This distaste only intensified when my audition and everything after it went down: I didn't prepare the music well enough (as I discussed in an entry here), and did a pretty bad job in the audition. The director talked to me and told me that there were two first-years who did REALLY well, and also a senior, so he really wanted to give them the spots, but since I've been in orchestra before, he didn't want to kick me out, and all this kind of stuff. We finally decided that I'll play the trombone for pieces unless there is no part, in which case I'll play second flute.
During that conversation and everything, I just kept saying to Jonathan and to myself that if those girls deserved the spots, they should have them. There's no reason that my crappy audition shouldn't matter just because I was here last year- if I was a first year and got turned away for that reason, I'd be PISSED. So I don't want to be the cause of that for anyone else, it's ridiculous. And you can say all you want about how I worked so much this summer and didn't have time to practice, and it may be true, but the fact is, if I'd cared enough, I would have found the time somehow. There were plenty of times when I came home and watched tv when I could have practiced. And you know, I don't regret that.
It's not that I don't care about becoming a better player, because I do. But I'm not a competitive person by nature, and I hate that playing the flute forces me to be one. I don't care who I'm better than, or who's better than me- I just care that I love to play the flute and want to be as good at it as I can, but I don't want to do so at the expense of others. I hate the feeling when someone else gets the spot just because they were having a better day, and I hate the feeling when I get the spot and know that I've made a bunch of other people feel terrible. And I know it comes with the instrument (and to an extent, music in general), you have to be competitive if you want to get anywhere...but I forced myself to be competitive, and last spring, I got somewhere. I played Beethoven 9 at Carnegie Hall, and I had the flute solo in Movement 3. It was one of the best moments of my life. And I'm satisfied. I know there are SO many other great places I could play, so many other great things I could do, but at some point it just becomes disillusioning, the amount of crap you have to go through to get there. I feel like I've made something of myself with music, and I'll always love playing and making music, but I don't love the politics of it all, and that's why I've decided to stop being competitive with my flute. When I first made the decision, I thought it would be starting NOW with EVERYTHING, but now I'm not sure, I might audition for orchestra again next year and senior year. We'll see. But nothing else, and nothing after college. Maybe I'll change my mind after a couple years, but right now I'm just done with it. I'll play with the Banshees and take lessons and play on my own, all sorts of stuff...I'll just play, which is all I've ever really wanted to do.
I feel so much lighter this semester having made those two big decisions. And you know, maybe they'll change- maybe five or ten or fifteen years down the road I'll decide that I DO want to be a doctor, and at that point I can take post-bac courses and apply to med school if I want. And maybe I'll decide that I DO want to be in some high-end competitive orchestra, and if that happens, I can work my tail off and audition and go through all of that stuff again. But right now I don't want either of those things, so there's no reason to force them upon myself. I'm being myself, I'm doing what I want, I feel like I am truly living as myself- not as someone trying to be an intense, competitive premed flutist. I'm the real Heather this year, and I couldn't be happier about it. :)
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today.
In as simple of terms as possible, it somehow finally got knocked into my head that I need to be living my life not only on my own terms, but on my own terms NOW. In other words, not only do I need to do what I want and not what others want of me, but I also need to do what I want now, at age almost-nineteen, and not force myself to keep doing what I wanted to do when I was twelve or thirteen.
So, I made the decision and will now announce it for everyone to see:
I am no longer pre-med. I had planned on using this entire semester to figure this one out, but on my first day of biology, it just felt like I needed to get out, that it wasn't what I wanted to do. I think it just became something that I said for so long that I never really considered whether I actually wanted to do it anymore. But the fact is, I don't enjoy science (other than psychology) anymore. I still find science interesting, sure, but I can't stand to do it in class three or four times a week, let alone as a career right now. It's just not a discipline that suits me.
Rather than just waste my time this semester, I dropped not only chemistry (which I had planned to do), but biology and calculus as well. I was taking five classes (most people take four), so rather than having three replacements, I opted for only two. I signed up for Abnormal Psychology- a class that I'd wanted to take but couldn't because it was at the same time as chem- and Medeival Welsh. And then in addition to those, there are the two classes I'm hanging onto- Physiology of Behavior and Elementary Russian.
I can already say that I have NEVER been more satisfied with my college academic life than I am right now. Part of it is because I got lucky and got all outstanding profs, but a larger part is that I am doing what I want to be doing- before it was like, I was taking chem because I had to. Now, everything is what I WANT to do. I am still a Psych major (though I haven't officially declared it yet) and am thinking about doing a double major of Psych with either Russian Lit or Russian Civ. I am REALLY liking Russian. It's interesting because it's a new alphabet, so we're starting from square one, so it's like learning to read all over again- sounding out words letter by letter, that whole bit. Russian spelling makes a lot of sense though, it's entirely phonetic, so once I get all of the letters and sounds memorized, it actually might not be too hard.
What do I want to do for a career? I don't know, exactly. I know I want to do something in the field of psychology. I'm thinking about being a child psychologist, or maybe just a general psychologist- get my phD and end up specializng in some specific type of disorder. Or I could work as a child psychologist or social worker/consultant type person for a Russian adoption agency. We'll see- but right now I'm doing what I want to do, I'm taking classes I want to take, and I am happy.
and
This whole new philosophy has reached into my music as well. It hit me while I was waiting for my orchestra audition that I hate the politics of playing the flute. I love playing, and I don't know what I would do without it. But I hate how it's so hard to play the flute just for the sake of playing the flute. It's a very competitive instrument- not only are there are a lot of people who play it, there are a lot of people who are REALLY good at it. So you always have to be on your guard, proving that you deserve to be where you are or that you deserve to get further, proving that you're better than everyone, and knowing that everyone is trying to prove that they are better than you. This distaste only intensified when my audition and everything after it went down: I didn't prepare the music well enough (as I discussed in an entry here), and did a pretty bad job in the audition. The director talked to me and told me that there were two first-years who did REALLY well, and also a senior, so he really wanted to give them the spots, but since I've been in orchestra before, he didn't want to kick me out, and all this kind of stuff. We finally decided that I'll play the trombone for pieces unless there is no part, in which case I'll play second flute.
During that conversation and everything, I just kept saying to Jonathan and to myself that if those girls deserved the spots, they should have them. There's no reason that my crappy audition shouldn't matter just because I was here last year- if I was a first year and got turned away for that reason, I'd be PISSED. So I don't want to be the cause of that for anyone else, it's ridiculous. And you can say all you want about how I worked so much this summer and didn't have time to practice, and it may be true, but the fact is, if I'd cared enough, I would have found the time somehow. There were plenty of times when I came home and watched tv when I could have practiced. And you know, I don't regret that.
It's not that I don't care about becoming a better player, because I do. But I'm not a competitive person by nature, and I hate that playing the flute forces me to be one. I don't care who I'm better than, or who's better than me- I just care that I love to play the flute and want to be as good at it as I can, but I don't want to do so at the expense of others. I hate the feeling when someone else gets the spot just because they were having a better day, and I hate the feeling when I get the spot and know that I've made a bunch of other people feel terrible. And I know it comes with the instrument (and to an extent, music in general), you have to be competitive if you want to get anywhere...but I forced myself to be competitive, and last spring, I got somewhere. I played Beethoven 9 at Carnegie Hall, and I had the flute solo in Movement 3. It was one of the best moments of my life. And I'm satisfied. I know there are SO many other great places I could play, so many other great things I could do, but at some point it just becomes disillusioning, the amount of crap you have to go through to get there. I feel like I've made something of myself with music, and I'll always love playing and making music, but I don't love the politics of it all, and that's why I've decided to stop being competitive with my flute. When I first made the decision, I thought it would be starting NOW with EVERYTHING, but now I'm not sure, I might audition for orchestra again next year and senior year. We'll see. But nothing else, and nothing after college. Maybe I'll change my mind after a couple years, but right now I'm just done with it. I'll play with the Banshees and take lessons and play on my own, all sorts of stuff...I'll just play, which is all I've ever really wanted to do.
I feel so much lighter this semester having made those two big decisions. And you know, maybe they'll change- maybe five or ten or fifteen years down the road I'll decide that I DO want to be a doctor, and at that point I can take post-bac courses and apply to med school if I want. And maybe I'll decide that I DO want to be in some high-end competitive orchestra, and if that happens, I can work my tail off and audition and go through all of that stuff again. But right now I don't want either of those things, so there's no reason to force them upon myself. I'm being myself, I'm doing what I want, I feel like I am truly living as myself- not as someone trying to be an intense, competitive premed flutist. I'm the real Heather this year, and I couldn't be happier about it. :)
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today.