Depressedddd
I just edited my friends list, so if you can read this, I love you :).
As you may already know, Ryan and I talked in person the other night. We talked it out - we're friends now. That was only about a fraction of the conversation we had, the rest was reminiscing and confessing how we actually felt. Turns out that he "never cheated on me." When I brought up how I was in denial about the reasons why he broke up with me and how my coworker told me that he just doesn't care for me anymore, he started crying. He cried because he said he never stopped caring for me, even until now. I still love him.
I know there are a lot of you who feel that what I'm feeling isn't love or anything like that, which is why I don't feel comfortable talking about how I really feel all the time. But there's this special feeling that I feel whenever I'm around him that I've never felt before with anyone else. I know I love him. I know we're meant to be. Who's to say that there has to be a certain amount of time before one can fall in love? Love has no sense of time.
But I love him.
We're meant to be. Maybe not now, but in the future. We're each going our separate career paths. His will lead to a geographically opposite end of the country. Mine will lead to southern California.
What's making me so depressed is knowing that we're meant to be but can't do anything about it. Even if we wanted to work it out again, he'll be leaving in a month and a half to pursue his career. That's it for our chances now. Am I willing to wait 10 years, when both our education paths are finished? I'm willing to, but I know it's not going to happen. We're going to find other people, but I know in the end I'll still miss him and I'll end up running to him. I don't want to be his friend because I know he'll stop me from falling in love with someone else.
Letting go is the hardest thing to do. In a month and a half, I'll be saying goodbye to him twice at the same time.
Once for New York. Twice for losing the love of my life.
It's going to feel like a lifetime before we can rekindle what we had.