iS iT aNy wOnDeR
i cant sleep. must be the drugs. and the stuffy nose. and the dry mouth. heh. dont feel like i'm gunna die anymore. dont want that to happen again. fucked up my hands even further rowing. my neck hurts like crazy. i cant feel it yet but i feel insanely alone right now. of course katie cant come this weekend. its not her fault. but i was dumb to get so excited and thing that maybe i'd have the luxury of ones arms around me. its... let me just say...god. i dont know how. someone will take offense. i dont want that. but there is NO ONE here to hold me. some people have that, even if its only once in a while. but there is no one here. i dont have best friends. i dont have people i trust. i dont have anyone here who loves me... its shameful that i need that but i know that it makes sense that along with having to leave behind the love of my life and semi-losing her, as well as leaving behind all of my friends and missing out on their senior year and changing states and not really quite fitting in. and being alone and doing everything by myself. i guess it makes sense that i would want that. but there is only one person whose arms have ever made me feel that safe. and that wont be happening till who knows when. its safe to say that though i am numb right now, i am very depressed. the weekends are the worst. and its stupid to feel that no one cares cuz i know they do. they're just all a 2.5 hour, 400 dollar plane ride away. i dont expect anyone to visit me. i know that i asked earlier but it was a rediculous idea. mail is sufficient, or rather, it will have to be. how dissapointing life is. i'd always looked forward to college, and getting away. and the one thing that made it possible for me to be here... well i dont exactly have it anymore. supposedly i do. but its hard to feel it, sometimes it feels empty because of everything that is said. it makes me want to die. thats a little...dramatic. it cant say that without worrying people. it makes me want to sleep... i dont know. whatever it is i'm feeling runs so deep i cant escape it. i cant describe it. i cant fix it. this all makes no sense most likely. no worries. maybe i do make no sense. maybe i'll read this tomorrow and wonder why the hell i felt it neccisary to type this. probably because it wouldnt let me sleep. and i'm not bright enough to condense it into a meaningful poem that lacks the depth of sentences.