Probably Sounds Just Like a Whine Fest
So much to try and say and not enough words to sort out the jumble in my head. I pushed myself physically to try and help get my internal focus back. That is what Kyokushin is becoming for me - a way to maintain focus. There are times that around Tuesday am I about to go crazy, because I can not apparently push myself hard enough on off days in order to get that same effect.
It is the one thing that has ever made me feel like I was capable of changing, improving, growing in such a huge manner. It has made such a huge improvement that I am amazed. When I went to the Doctor and they sounded bowled over because I had lost 35ish pounds since last November, it is ego boosting. Seeing the difference in how clothes fit me, and the weight loss makes a difference. And even though, like yesterday, it can drive me to, the fact that I am doing such because I am pushing, and not out of a despair that I need to quit, is different. I did explain to Maggi today why I feel writing down all my food and exercise is not good for me. For me, I am trying to stay focused on the fact that this is not just a diet. Not just doing exercise to lose weight. This is all about changing habits, and how I eat and exercise, period. Keeping track makes me feel like I am on a diet, which to me means temporary. I get frustrated when I am keeping track, and if I see a gain, or no change, immediately start over analyzing.
Unfortunately it all came crashing down when I made a punch and landed on my left leg. My knee, like it has done before in the past, dislocated and relocated itself immediately. The pain was far beyond any that I could explain descriptively. I waited till I could move and went back to trying to continue my training. First kick was with my right so it was horrible but I did it. I attempted to do the lunge kick with the left, but could not complete it. My trainer did his job and talked to me to help me focus, and then said if I wanted to stop I should because it could cause more damage. He said we could train the next day and that he was always going to be there. I didnt want to, and still think I should have continued. I have heard Randys stories and Maggis where they went on with pain and injury. I cant help but compare and see it as coming up short. and its not even that I think they think it of me, its a gnawing doubt that is centered within me I cant get past. I was almost as sad as my injury as the fact that i was not going to finish when I was already in that mindset and was pushing. Why cant I just suck up the pain like others?
It is the one thing that has ever made me feel like I was capable of changing, improving, growing in such a huge manner. It has made such a huge improvement that I am amazed. When I went to the Doctor and they sounded bowled over because I had lost 35ish pounds since last November, it is ego boosting. Seeing the difference in how clothes fit me, and the weight loss makes a difference. And even though, like yesterday, it can drive me to, the fact that I am doing such because I am pushing, and not out of a despair that I need to quit, is different. I did explain to Maggi today why I feel writing down all my food and exercise is not good for me. For me, I am trying to stay focused on the fact that this is not just a diet. Not just doing exercise to lose weight. This is all about changing habits, and how I eat and exercise, period. Keeping track makes me feel like I am on a diet, which to me means temporary. I get frustrated when I am keeping track, and if I see a gain, or no change, immediately start over analyzing.
Unfortunately it all came crashing down when I made a punch and landed on my left leg. My knee, like it has done before in the past, dislocated and relocated itself immediately. The pain was far beyond any that I could explain descriptively. I waited till I could move and went back to trying to continue my training. First kick was with my right so it was horrible but I did it. I attempted to do the lunge kick with the left, but could not complete it. My trainer did his job and talked to me to help me focus, and then said if I wanted to stop I should because it could cause more damage. He said we could train the next day and that he was always going to be there. I didnt want to, and still think I should have continued. I have heard Randys stories and Maggis where they went on with pain and injury. I cant help but compare and see it as coming up short. and its not even that I think they think it of me, its a gnawing doubt that is centered within me I cant get past. I was almost as sad as my injury as the fact that i was not going to finish when I was already in that mindset and was pushing. Why cant I just suck up the pain like others?