(no subject)
A few weeks ago at a party, a good friend of mine, who had recently been chastised by her boss for being too *ahem* forceful at work, asked me how I, as another rather forthright and forceful woman, managed to navigate that particular minefield and maintain respect in the workplace without being branded a bitch. We have very different tempers (my friends is dynamite, exploding quickly but gone just as fast. Mine is a slow burn. She's more immediately scary, but anyone with a brain would rather deal with her mad than me :) so not exactly the same problem, but I tried to help.
We had a long discussion about how to walk the line between confident and arrogant, forceful and hateful, and I think it was a useful exercise for both of us. It forced me to put into words some things I'd been thinking about for quite a while, and I hope she got some insight out of it, too.
Naturally, a couple of weeks too late, someone else came along and put it into better words.
Stolen from The Letters To Our Daughters Project, by way of Pharyngula:
Once upon a time, there was a woman who felt that her gender should not be an issue in her career. She wanted to be treated as an equal, she acted like she was equal, and the men called her a bitch.
Bitch -noun
1.a female dog.
2.a female of canines generally.
3.Slang.
a.a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, esp. a woman.
b.a lewd woman.
4.Slang.
a.a complaint.
b.anything difficult or unpleasant: The test was a bitch.
c.anything memorable, esp. something exceptionally good: That last big party he threw was a real bitch
Why does this 5 letter word have such power over women? We are raised to be "nice." Malicious, unpleasant, and selfish are the opposite of this goal; however, this means that demanding equality may appear bitchy! At so many gatherings I have heard women ask how they can get their needs met without being called a bitch (generally these women spell the word rather than say it). The short answer? You cannot! Anytime you assert your needs and put yourself ahead of someone else, others may call you a "female dog."
When my daughter was starting middle school, I explained the world to her in my own warped way. I give my students the same advice. If you have a voice that gets heard in the world, someone will call you a bitch. If you perform acts of kindness and charity, someone will say that the bitch is showing off! If you show more spine than a jelly fish, someone eventually will brand you a bitch. Accept it. If someone calls you a bitch, you are probably doing something right.
About a year later a classmate turned to her and called her a bitch. She thanked him for noticing, and then related how she had not reached her mother's level of "bitchdom" yet. He said nothing more, and did not try to insult her the rest of the year. She came home from school empowered rather than insulted.
Now, this advice does not mean you should be a bitch. Do not be mean or evil, and never treat those lower than you on the ladder of life with contempt. Always have a sounding board of friends who can help you determine the line between reasonable and bitchy. Sometimes you will cross the line, but, with their help, you will recognize this behavior and apologize for it. If you find yourself crossing the line too often, you may need to reexamine your attitudes and behavior. Do not be afraid to do this and make necessary adjustments. It is called "growth."
Someday I hope we get beyond the name-calling, but until then take pride in some bitchiness. It may just mean you are acting like a human being instead of an invertebrate. It may just mean you are living your life.
Pascale Lane
We had a long discussion about how to walk the line between confident and arrogant, forceful and hateful, and I think it was a useful exercise for both of us. It forced me to put into words some things I'd been thinking about for quite a while, and I hope she got some insight out of it, too.
Naturally, a couple of weeks too late, someone else came along and put it into better words.
Stolen from The Letters To Our Daughters Project, by way of Pharyngula:
Once upon a time, there was a woman who felt that her gender should not be an issue in her career. She wanted to be treated as an equal, she acted like she was equal, and the men called her a bitch.
Bitch -noun
1.a female dog.
2.a female of canines generally.
3.Slang.
a.a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, esp. a woman.
b.a lewd woman.
4.Slang.
a.a complaint.
b.anything difficult or unpleasant: The test was a bitch.
c.anything memorable, esp. something exceptionally good: That last big party he threw was a real bitch
Why does this 5 letter word have such power over women? We are raised to be "nice." Malicious, unpleasant, and selfish are the opposite of this goal; however, this means that demanding equality may appear bitchy! At so many gatherings I have heard women ask how they can get their needs met without being called a bitch (generally these women spell the word rather than say it). The short answer? You cannot! Anytime you assert your needs and put yourself ahead of someone else, others may call you a "female dog."
When my daughter was starting middle school, I explained the world to her in my own warped way. I give my students the same advice. If you have a voice that gets heard in the world, someone will call you a bitch. If you perform acts of kindness and charity, someone will say that the bitch is showing off! If you show more spine than a jelly fish, someone eventually will brand you a bitch. Accept it. If someone calls you a bitch, you are probably doing something right.
About a year later a classmate turned to her and called her a bitch. She thanked him for noticing, and then related how she had not reached her mother's level of "bitchdom" yet. He said nothing more, and did not try to insult her the rest of the year. She came home from school empowered rather than insulted.
Now, this advice does not mean you should be a bitch. Do not be mean or evil, and never treat those lower than you on the ladder of life with contempt. Always have a sounding board of friends who can help you determine the line between reasonable and bitchy. Sometimes you will cross the line, but, with their help, you will recognize this behavior and apologize for it. If you find yourself crossing the line too often, you may need to reexamine your attitudes and behavior. Do not be afraid to do this and make necessary adjustments. It is called "growth."
Someday I hope we get beyond the name-calling, but until then take pride in some bitchiness. It may just mean you are acting like a human being instead of an invertebrate. It may just mean you are living your life.
Pascale Lane