(no subject)
christmas doesn't feel like christmas this year. i thought maybe it was b/c allison wasn't here, but she's home now and i'm still only going through the motions. i started crying at the christmas eve service tonight. who cries during christmas carols? me. i feel undescribable. i'm angry, sad, depressed...i feel like i've lost something. no, not like i've lost it, like it's been torn out of me. i have reasons, but i've lost the will to really argue them. i don't care any more. i still want to, but it's not how i want it now. it's been ruined, and no matter what happens it'll never be how i wanted it anymore. i'll pretend for now.