The birth story of Roland John - PART TWO
My mom could not get there fast enough. I was having a really hard time. I was getting very loud, and unfortunately scaring Lennon. He started crying. I felt terrible, yet I couldn't really comfort him very much when the contractions were coming so hard and fast. I hugged him and talked to him in between contractions. Lennon knows about the process of birth, but I don't think he expected to see me in such pain. Jacob talked to him and explained that I was OK, and that what he was seeing was a normal part of the process.
I managed to finish packing my hospital bag. Not surprisingly, I forgot a few things. Jacob was packing the laptop, phone chargers, camera, etc. We were pretty much ready to go when my mom arrived. She seemed shocked at my condition. I suppose I looked pretty far gone. I gave Lennon and Juliette one last hug, and we left. When we walked out the door, there were about 5 neighbor kids by the door, all trying to talk to me at once. My neighbor asked "Are you having him right now?!" I completely ignored them all and kept walking (which I felt bad about when I remembered it later - I am usually always super friendly with my neighbors and all the kids, so this was out of character for me). All I cared about was making it out to the car before the next contraction hit me. I made it through that contraction, and then got in the car. I knew I was going to have a long, difficult car ride ahead of me.
I told Jacob to focus on getting us there safely but QUICKLY. I said I was sure I was going to be loud, but he should just focus on driving. He said I should just do whatever I needed to do in order to get through it, and we'd be there shortly. The entire way to the hospital, I was literally YELLING at the top of my lungs through each contraction, mostly bellowing "NOOOOOOOO!" like a wounded cow. The pain was insane. My body was going to break in half. Seriously. It was going to happen.
At one point during a contraction, I had a split second thought: I wonder if it would feel better if I pushed through it? Then I told myself that was dumb, I was nowhere NEAR needing to push. And why would I start pushing in the car even if I was?! No, no, I would not push through it.
After what seemed like at least 481381308 contractions, we made it to the hospital. I have never been so happy to get out of a car! Jacob asked if I wanted to stay outside for some fresh air, like we did last time when I had Juliette, but I knew we needed to get in there quickly. I wasn't sure if I would be able to talk once we got in there, so I asked Jacob to ask the nurse/midwife/whoever for my epidural right away. I was DEFINITELY having one. It wasn't even a question this time. This pain needed to end!
We walked briskly down the hall and made it into the elevator before a contraction hit. I yelled the whole way up the elevator onto the third floor. We went to the desk in the L&D area. They said they'd been expecting me. Jacob said I was having a really hard time and I would like an epidural ASAP. They said we were in luck, the anesthesiologist was right on the floor and he could administer it in just a few minutes. HALLELUJAH, PRAISE BABY JESUS I WAS GOING TO GET MY EPIDURAL!!!!!!!11
They showed us right to our room. The nurse was saying stuff to me, but I was leaning against the wall and hollering through my contractions. Where was the anesthesiologist?!
Somehow they got me out of my clothes and into a gown. Nobody had mentioned making me lie in bed for fetal monitoring (which was horrendous torture during my other births) but I assumed they would probably make me anyway. I was hoping the anesthesiologist would just walk in at any second and end this horrible agony.
They said they would like to check me before I got the epidural. That was fine with me, as long as they could do it really quickly before the next contraction. The nurse checked....hesitated.....felt around some more. She said "You're at 10." I shouted "WHAT?!" Jacob later told me, "you should have seen your face! You looked like you lost your best friend!" Yes. Yes, I had. Because that epidural would have been my best friend, LOL. And now there was no way it was going to happen. I would have to push out this baby RIGHT NOW, with no drugs, no pain relief. OMG!
They called in the midwife. It was Mary Fisher, a midwife who used to practice with the midwife group, but now just fills in sometimes. The midwife I had seen that morning, Katie, had called in sick, so Mary was on call. I remembered seeing her when I was pregnant with Lennon. She is an older lady, very no-nonsense, doesn't sugar coat anything. I like her. She could tell I was terrified. Yes, this was my third baby, I should have been a pro, right? Not quite. This was my first birth with no drugs, and the first one to progress so quickly and intensely. It felt like a whole different ball game to me, and frankly, I was scared.
Mary said it was time to start pushing. She said the baby was "right there" and that he would likely be born very quickly. She warned me that pushing a baby out without an epidural was going to be different. I would probably feel a burning sensation when he crowned. She said not to be afraid of it It would mean he would be in my arms soon.
I started pushing. It was hard work. The contractions still hurt terribly, but now there was also so much PRESSURE down low. It was intense. Mary had made me feel like I'd only have to push a few times and he would be out, yet based on my previous experiences, I knew it would probably take more work than that (I'd pushed for more than 3 hours with both Lennon and Juliette). This baby was no exception; he was posterior and he was getting stuck behind my pelvic bones on the way out.
Mary wanted me to try different pushing positions. I kept saying no. I felt like I would die if I tried to turn over. My hips hurt SO BAD. She kept asking me, which annoyed me a little bit (I realize she was only trying to help! LOL) I really didn't want to push on my hands and knees (I hate that position) so I finally consented to trying to push on my side. Everyone helped me roll over to my side, and I pushed that way for a few contractions. I hated it. Somehow it felt more painful and less productive? Mary again was asking me if I would try hands and knees. I felt like I had no choice. She wasn't going to stop asking until I did it. So I did. And I hated that too. I ended up on my back again (I know, I know, it's the least effective way of pushing).
We tried the "pushing bar," which was really hard work, but it did help me push harder and more effectively. I was pushing with all my might, and sometimes screaming from the sheer exertion of it. I was drenched in sweat and exhausted. I'm pretty sure I pooped a little while pushing (I know, ewwwww) but I really didn't give a shit at the time (har har). There's really no way to avoid it when you're desperately trying to push out a stuck baby. All I cared about was getting the baby out, so this nightmare would end.
I looked at the clock, and realized I'd been pushing for one hour. ONLY ONE?! It already felt like an eternity. I couldn't imagine doing this for two more hours. I would die. I started breaking down. I was crying and repeating "I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore." I asked Mary if they could use a vacuum, just to help him get over that ridge of bone that he was caught behind. She said yes, they could do that. It would be all he'd need and then he would be out. I said let's do it. I was ready to meet my baby boy.
They called in a doctor to do the vacuum. She had to reach up inside me to attach the cup to the baby's head. OMFG THAT HURT SO MUCH! I am pretty sure I screamed in pain. She apologized...then apologized again, because she was going to need to take it off and reattach it again (not sure what happened?) So she had to reach inside me AGAIN and I screamed in pain AGAIN. Wow! I was literally seeing stars from the pain of this. At least it would hopefully all be over soon.
Mary instructed me to push really hard with the next contraction, and the vacuum would help his head get past my bone. I pushed as hard as I could, which was really difficult because the pain was so intense. It worked though, his head was starting to crown. This time, I was definitely feeling the "ring of fire" sensation that I've read about in other birth stories but had never experienced with my other births. It felt like my vagina was ripping apart. I wasn't sure if I was actually tearing or if it just felt like that? At any rate, his head was out. Mary instructed me to wait until the next contraction and then push slowly. I'm pretty sure that during all of this, I was shrieking "Oh my God!" or something similar. During my other births, the part when the baby came out really didn't hurt. I thought my epidurals had fully worn off by that time, but now I knew that I must have still been somewhat numbed by the epidurals, because THIS birth definitely hurt me.
The next contraction came and I pushed again. I could feel Mary kind of tugging on the baby a bit to guide his shoulders out. And then he was out! And she was saying, "reach down and take your baby." I looked down and there he was, all slimy and bloody. I reached out to him and brought him up to my chest. I think I kept saying "Oh my God. My baby!" I looked at him, and he looked EXACTLY like I thought he was going to look. I could tell he had big eyes, like Lennon's. He had my "clown's mouth," like both of my other kids. He was perfect. He was beautiful. And I was so glad he was here.
They took him away briefly to weigh him, clean him up, and have Jacob cut his cord. He weighed 7 lbs even - my biggest baby! I was so happy he was healthy and perfect. His name is Roland John. Roland is a name we have always loved. We talked about it for both Lennon and Juliette, and now we were finally using it. John is for Jacob's grandpa who he was very close to growing up, who died of cancer. We both have an uncle John as well, so it's a significant name in both of our families. I think it's the perfect name for our son.
They brought Roland back to me, and he watched me with those huge eyes of his for awhile while I talked to him. I offered my breast but he didn't latch on right away. A few minutes later, he was ready, and he latched on well and nursed for a good half hour. He was a very content newborn, never cried unless I was changing him (he hated being cold). A great little nurser and very snuggly and just the sweetest baby ever. I am SO THANKFUL to have this boy. SO THANKFUL.
I still can't believe I had a natural birth this time (by accident....damn, I wanted that epidural so bad! LOL). After two failed attempts, I had resigned myself that I would probably never have a natural birth. It was OK with me. I sort of felt like natural births and homebirths were something that my crunchy mama friends did that I admired, but I would never be strong enough to do it myself - especially with my history of super long labors and posterior babies who get stuck on the way out! But guess what? I DID IT. I pushed a baby out with no drugs. He never did fully turn and he came out sideways. Luckily, I didn't have any tearing, and I healed up very quickly. I'm still so amazed that I did it!
Very pleased with how my birth turned out, and how adorable and sweet my baby boy is. :)
