Miss my depressive rants? You're in luck.
So...today at dance I spazzed out for no real reason...I kept fucking up both of my dances, and basically have very little idea what I am supposed to be doing. While that is, obviously, frustrating...it shouldn't have affected me as much as it did. I was like...about to start crying. And generally, I don't cry. Which was my first indicator that I am falling again. It's that time of year that always gets to me, and I really don't know why or what triggered it, but for the past several years at about this time, I start getting really overwhelmed and emotional and I completely shut down. I don't know why. I don't want to talk to a therapist (again) and find out why. I just wish that I knew why this happens, because it is bad, especially that I can't even pinpoint why it is bad. What ever happened around this time that was so horrible? But anyway, everything is getting to me, and I can't get all of my work done, and I am always tired...frequently too tired to finish my work, which causes me to be less and less able to finish my work, which makes me more and more tired...and it is an endless circle and I feel like I am drowning!!! For three years, THREE YEARS this has been happening, and I still have no idea why. My creative writing story probably didn't help things because I (being the idiot that I am) chose to write on a subject that it still sore. That, combined with the retreat that brought back so many memories, and seeing the one person at church that I was hoping I could avoid, had just been too much for me to deal with, on top of schoolwork and overall depressed state of being. I have made a lot of mistakes, and I feel like there is nothing that I can do to fix them and I'm just stuck on this downward spiral. GOD. DAMN. IT.
Speaking of God, I hope I am up to this sermon...I still haven't been able to finish writing it and it is stressing me out immensely. I am so worried about it. I need to calm down, calm down...take a deep breath and write.