bullets
- i do know exactly what i want. in some cases, the solution may not exist. in some cases, the solution may not be unique
- my upstairs neighbors, who are male, tend to laugh loudly at extremely high pitches at 5am when i would like to be asleep.
- i think i'm good with steps, say 2 and 5-9. Everyone needs work with 10. 1 is hard but doable. 3-4? damn impossible for me, it seems, right now
- motivation dropping
- i'm very good at telling the people who can't help what i want. i'm very good at hiding what i want from the people who actually can help
- unexplored avenues tend to hold little appeal to me, and hence, receive little of my attention or effort, despite what i might say, when the lights at the end of the avenues that i have set foot on are so incredibly bright
- it is incredibly important to me that my conceptual model of the world be as comprehensive and accurate a model objective reality as possible. i was surprised that my dad knew this about me. i'd been thinking about it a fair amount before he said anything. not quite how i put it, but nonetheless. it explains rather well how i interact with the world. observation before action, so as not to reach any contradictions. i'd like to think it gives me a greater, more generalized understanding
- it's funny, how in life, for the majority of us anyway, or at least those with whom i am familiar, it seems the good deeds are so frequent and subtle and the bad deeds so rare acute
- likewise -- perhaps the concept is/could be known as moral entropy -- life, it seems, is rather like carrying a basket of eggs. perhaps down the street, perhaps up a mountain. perhaps a lot of eggs, perhaps only a few. it doesn't matter how well you carry those eggs, how far you go, where you go, what you do wit them, except that if you let go, or shake the basket, eggs may fall, and if eggs fall, they break, and if eggs break, that's all there is too it. you move on with one less egg. succeed as long and well as you may, you can always fail. fail, however, with something, and there is no chance of success. success is simply, it seems, the lack of failure, because failure, it seems, is instantaneous, whereas success takes a lifetime of avoiding failure. oh its not always true. but if nothing else, i think that is how i judge myself. one might say, every relationship but the last is a failure, and then only because it runs out of chances to fail. entropy, of course, is the physical measure of disorder in a system. without input energy, it always increases. and it is always decreased by output energy. hence the eventual end of life in the universe, for example. ok, i think i took that too far. nevermind.
- its funny how a moment's subtle cues can send such waves of question through the conceptual model of the world in my head, and it's assumptions about desires and moral imperatives, and how big a deal it can seem even though it has no bearing on reality, despite my best efforts to reconcile the two.
- in response to something i came across, i'd say, i once tried to be deep, and then decided it was silly and pointless and doomed to failure and so i gave it up (this of course violates that, but this isn't real anyway, so n/m that). now i wonder whether those that still ponder are sillier not yet to have reached that conclusion, or smarter in that they've gone beyond. hell. that was lame. scratch that.
- can someone please help me get what i know i want want? you can only help me if you don't know what it is. and if you can help me, at least directly, i can't tell you. this applies to many things in my life right now. i'm not that single-minded