copy from xanga. dont feel like doing more.
why is the rule ... that it takes .5 the time you were with someone to get over them??? i fucking hate it. let me sit here by myself and cry in my ludicrous manner in front of the myspace screen. its not like i want him, persay. i just want proof that it is possible that the world is not all just a big shithole. that there might be some decency left. that maybe i could find people who i can trust, who'll be there, and who would never think of fucking me over. that there might yet be some happiness for me.
being me, i know there is a slim chance i will ever meet people like this. that can give me the same hope for the world i once had. i miss my diluted days of complete idealism, even if there was something missing and people were asses then too... cuz those people were like jonathon mocking me in front of the entire english class. or mary melton making me cry for something i didnt do. or... you get the idea. they werent people that i trusted with... myself.
they werent a mare or a hec. if nomie ever did anything, which she wouldnt cuz she has more dignity than that, then i would have nothing left. maybe that wouldnt be true. id have my family. but thats what it would feel like. everytime something happened, i felt like something died. murdered.
other than my little episodes, all i am is numb. sometimes i let shit happen, not because im completely amoral or anything... just because im not feeling anything. having friends like that is like taking drugs. i started out so-so. had them to make me feel better. and then after doin that for a while, theres no more, and i'm left even lower than i started.
too bad my distractions didnt exactly turn out as i'd hoped. just like the rest of my life, unfortunately.
and then found out today that i have wisdom teeth. growing sideways. and my gums are... fucked up. yeah. death is near. or not. either way.
being me, i know there is a slim chance i will ever meet people like this. that can give me the same hope for the world i once had. i miss my diluted days of complete idealism, even if there was something missing and people were asses then too... cuz those people were like jonathon mocking me in front of the entire english class. or mary melton making me cry for something i didnt do. or... you get the idea. they werent people that i trusted with... myself.
they werent a mare or a hec. if nomie ever did anything, which she wouldnt cuz she has more dignity than that, then i would have nothing left. maybe that wouldnt be true. id have my family. but thats what it would feel like. everytime something happened, i felt like something died. murdered.
other than my little episodes, all i am is numb. sometimes i let shit happen, not because im completely amoral or anything... just because im not feeling anything. having friends like that is like taking drugs. i started out so-so. had them to make me feel better. and then after doin that for a while, theres no more, and i'm left even lower than i started.
too bad my distractions didnt exactly turn out as i'd hoped. just like the rest of my life, unfortunately.
and then found out today that i have wisdom teeth. growing sideways. and my gums are... fucked up. yeah. death is near. or not. either way.