woohoo
Ok
I've been feeling alone lately, maybe a bit lost too. Worried that I won;t beat this thing, that it is like all the other times and I will fall. But I realised some more things today.
I need to be alone for what I am trying to do. Part of my personality which I need to change is my dependancy, I need to kick it. And to do that I need to be alone. So maybe I have been feeling lonely lately, but that is what I need, I need to feel lonely. Life has been throwing this oppertuinity at me to enjoy my own company, to be independant, and I have been feeling sad about it? And yes I know I sound kinda like the people hung up on self help and god and such but.... How could I not see the lesson life was giving me? I need to embrace it and learn from it. So that is what I am trying to do. I may be doing more of the independant woman routiene but just smile if I do, cos I;m learning to rely on me.
As for the worries they are normal. That I can tell myself I am worried is a good sign, it means I am not lying to myself, I;m not deluding myself. i;m real about this and that in itself fills me with confidence. Blindly moving forward, foolhardy and unseeing, is the way to fail. Looking and analysing what is going on is the way forward. I have some other things that have given me confidence.
The other times I have tried to 'beat this depression' I have tried to do just that. Tried to ignore it, tried to pretend it wasn't there. I didn't deal with it at all. My approach is different this time. I am not trying to get rid of the depression, that is foolhardy. I cannot change the chemicals and hormones in my brain, that i know and i stand by, that is why i failed before, i didn't look at the things that could be changed. They way i deal with the depression, the way I allow it to affect me and those around me. I am working on not having negative thoughts, on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. Working on not flying off the handle at every small disaster. Working on my social and spiritual lives.
I have still been having doubts, but today something great happened. I was making a long update on the blue room, about as long as this so far and my fingers slipped and I somehow deleted it all. Months ago that would have triggered me off, I would be crying, reaching for the scalpels, wanting to die. Seem like an over reaction too unreal to happen. Look back through my posts, theres one here where just that happened, I lost a meme and i was a mess. Today I lost the post. There was a flash of 'Oh no' then I said to myself its ok, you can do it again. I did what needed doing for reformatting the pc, caught up on the blue room chat and then retyped the post. No tears, no emotional outburst. I am so proud I am over the moon.
I doubted myself and I was given a test, i passed, who did that pass matter to? Me. I just needed to see that this is having an effect on my reactions. And that is a big big change. My confidence is renewed, I can do this. If you also believe I can do this thats great, support is nice, but you know what? I can do this without support, and if you don't believe I can do this, sit back and watch (cos you can't interfere even if you want to - this is my show ), you will see in the end. Dans is coming back.
Dans