lost again, no way back
post under cut for trigger warning and stuff some people may not want to read
well, tonights gone badly again, i tried to do the dla form but it left me in a mess, to be fair my whole life is in a mess but it made me acknowledge that its in a mess.
tried to talk to sam about it, he has work in the morning, hes too tired to deal with me and my dramatics, asked me if i could breakdown at a time that wasn't after midnight. sorry sami I can't schedule it
and so i am back in here so my ramblings do not keep him awake
ended up cutting again. going over the alone on my arm, reinforcing it. maybe o am better alone, sam would certainly be better with oit me, moght be able to sleep and relax without worrying. maybe us getting together was wrong
and funnily enough yoiu know what troubles me more right now? I can;t cut as well as I used to, once i wipe the inital blood away it hasnt bled again, no dripping now flow. may aswell be a cat scratch. hurts nicely which is good, nice bvurning sensation but wheres the flow. it may just be the instrament is blunt, but to fix that i will need to move and the sleeping pills sam made me take are kicking in.
oh the joy of pills, i get to take lots and lots oif them and it doesnt make me any better. sams right i have resigned myself to this nall. i know the score i know how this all works, i get slightly better then plummit lower. i need an out. i desperatly need an out.
i dont have one though. i cant cope with this depression, bipolar what ever the fuck it is without medicine. they have decided antidepressants are not for me i need mood stabilisers but i cant have them, the lithium mafde me unable to speak last time and gave me 5the shakes, id rather be dead than have that again and the other one has a high chance of giving you polycycstic ovaries and making you infertile and they will only give that to youngwomen as a last option. it may be a lastoption for me but i dont want it. whats the point in getting better if i cant have the family ive dreamed of? what is the point?
same wiuth the menopause if theres the slightest chance of affecting my fertility (which i'm pretty sure there will be) i will not have it. not at all/ so where does that leave me? no menopause no medicine, well that leaves me here. now for my way out
pills i have are far from adequate, maybe if i mix them with a bunch of alcohol and other methods they may just work but i dont think i should risk it. my wrists and scalpels? well as i said earlier my cutting ios pathetic at the moment i will need a lot of practise to get to a stahe where that is an option. and some better equipment. theres nowhere to drown lest i sneak out of the house at night and go jump in a canal. ive tried walking around in rough areas after dark hoping to get killed but its pathetically crime free. i could just keep up my road crossing act, cross without looking. maybe i need to go to the motorway, jump from a bridge above it and hope to get hit. and yes i know lots of other people may get hurt biut to tllk the truth i dont care, maybe thios contry should think again about allowing people to have the means to do themselves in,. then they can do it without risking the lives of others. i supose there is still hanging as un sightly as it is but i'm not sure where ivee put my long scarf, thats the only tool i really have thats up to the job.
possibly combiningseveral of these would work and get mne the hell out of here but i dont know. none of them are certain, they are all big risks, i dont like risks, not when it comes to this. i feel so fucking trapped.
and yes i;m sorry of this makes people upset or wporried or whatever the fuck else, but you know what? why should i suffer for you, why should i keep silent and keep on hurting so you can all sleep well at night knowing your friend is fine. fuck that. no it may not be nice, but fuck im not nice and maybe thats another reason i shouldnt be here.
fuck i need help cos i'm loosing grip fast
dans