Lie to me convince me that I've been sick forever, and all of this will make sense once I get better
Well I thought I had really been doing well. I didn't think that I was that bad this time last year so I figured I was finally making progress. I mean yes these past couple days things have been getting harder but it's what 16 months without cutting, 2 periods without getting suicidal and I have been productive and a hell of a lot happier. But it appears the seasonal SAD will not be escaped.
Yesterday there was a big kix up with my psych appt. Basically I forgot I had the appt and thus by the time I was up and dressed I was running late. Called to check that half hour late would be ok and the receptionist said no. I got a lil upset but I didn't cry (normally at that point the anger at myself would turn into self loathing and I'd become useless.) I was proud I held it together. It gave me two hours extra at home so I sat down to surf the net before breakfast. Then got a call from the dr saying yes half hour late is fine. Of course this is 1 minute before my bus is due. Run to the bus stop to find I'd missed bus and so ran across the road to catch the one going the other way (its a circular) Only to find I don't have enough money cos that way is longer. The driver let me on and I managed to keep myself together. From bus station legged it to train statiion to find I'd missed the train by 1 min. I didn't know the quickest way to get to deansgate so had to call Sam. I think it was the lack of order that did it. I live by routienes and planning. I make plans and they give me structure, they make me feel ok. I didn't know what was happening and I had no way of finding out bar sam searching for me. The lack of control does not go well for me. I found my self knocking back two diaz to stop me from crying in the station whilst I fought the urge to say fuck getting on the train and throw myself in front of the next through-train. The pills helped thankfully.
I wanted to do unpacking today and I did well sorting through old boxes finally letting go of stuff I have kept over the years. I did come across a stash of blades though. I am suprised and how many places these keep turning up. In this old purse was the cutting edge of a sellotape holder, 1 blade from a razor (no idea what happened to the other 2) and a blade for a stanley knife. Looking at what they are this is probably just before uni, before I got my scalpels anyways. Think this is the 3rd stash I've found and I am sure I will find more. It's like when we moved out of Burnage lane and I kept finding scalpels hidden around the house. I was good though, without hesitation I put today's find in the bin, with all the other things from my past I am ready to let go of. I was proud of myself for that. I no longer have my own dedicated 'tools' and this was my chance to have some again, but I resisted. I came to regret it later in the evening though.
My laptop was meant to come back from repair today. I woke up early, didn't go out, didn't even shower in case I missed the door bell. At 6 I called Dell to (after being on hold for ages) be told that I should have been told friday and it will be here friday. I got so angry with them. They don't know how my time has been organised to fit around them telling me one day for them to just change it without telling me. I said I needed an actual time slot and that they would have to arrange it but they just pointed me to the courier. By now the phone, which had been on charge all day, had been very loudly beeping in my ear which was triggering me. I called the courier only to be told there was no such package and there was nothing coming to my address. What happened? I fell to pieces again. Anger at dell and helplessness for not having the laptop or being able to change the situation turned into the self loathing. Somehow, because of this the only solution was to just not be alive anymore. Thankfully right now I cannot explain that logic to you, I don't understand it. But it was crystal clear then. Probably the situation (which was in no way my fault) was all my fault and the only way I could make up for it was to be thoroughly punished and then die. I guess someone had to have the blame put on them and suffer and I am my favourite person to assign blame to. Thankfully I didn't cut or anything else, I went upstairs and played music and continued to sort out boxes. I did with-hold food from myself until I felt better but hey that's better than some other things I could have done?
But I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be scared that if a situation gets out of control I'm going to lose all rational sense and kill myself. I have just about enough sanity at the moment to know that I wouldn't really be wanting to kill myself, I'd just be reactiong to the 'illness'. Thats the scarey thing you know. When I am fully depressed, when all I see is despair with death as the only way out, when I have been like that for weeks and months without a break; I don't fear dying, I look forward it. I am comfortable with that decision. But the more 'sane' I get, the more I see that life can be enjoyed, the more hopes and plans for a future I make, the scareier my suicidal impulses are. Because at those times I know what I can loose and I don't want to loose it. The knowledge that I could in the space of an hour forget my rationality and do myself in scares me way too much. It used to be that I had one major fear; that I would outlive all of my friends. Now I can add another; that I will end up killing myself. I have to ask am I really all that better if I can still feel this bad?
And now I am sat up writing this because I don't want to sleep, lying down just lets the head race and it is not racing to good places. But I have no brain power to play boardgames on line or read fic even. I've been playing solitaire but even that is taking too much brain power. So here I am writing away, not for anyone to read, not even to get it off my chest really. It's just in the vain hope that I will fall asleep at this keyboard without having a chance to think.
Maybe I will watch Merlin. I've only seen ep 13 once.
Dans
Yesterday there was a big kix up with my psych appt. Basically I forgot I had the appt and thus by the time I was up and dressed I was running late. Called to check that half hour late would be ok and the receptionist said no. I got a lil upset but I didn't cry (normally at that point the anger at myself would turn into self loathing and I'd become useless.) I was proud I held it together. It gave me two hours extra at home so I sat down to surf the net before breakfast. Then got a call from the dr saying yes half hour late is fine. Of course this is 1 minute before my bus is due. Run to the bus stop to find I'd missed bus and so ran across the road to catch the one going the other way (its a circular) Only to find I don't have enough money cos that way is longer. The driver let me on and I managed to keep myself together. From bus station legged it to train statiion to find I'd missed the train by 1 min. I didn't know the quickest way to get to deansgate so had to call Sam. I think it was the lack of order that did it. I live by routienes and planning. I make plans and they give me structure, they make me feel ok. I didn't know what was happening and I had no way of finding out bar sam searching for me. The lack of control does not go well for me. I found my self knocking back two diaz to stop me from crying in the station whilst I fought the urge to say fuck getting on the train and throw myself in front of the next through-train. The pills helped thankfully.
I wanted to do unpacking today and I did well sorting through old boxes finally letting go of stuff I have kept over the years. I did come across a stash of blades though. I am suprised and how many places these keep turning up. In this old purse was the cutting edge of a sellotape holder, 1 blade from a razor (no idea what happened to the other 2) and a blade for a stanley knife. Looking at what they are this is probably just before uni, before I got my scalpels anyways. Think this is the 3rd stash I've found and I am sure I will find more. It's like when we moved out of Burnage lane and I kept finding scalpels hidden around the house. I was good though, without hesitation I put today's find in the bin, with all the other things from my past I am ready to let go of. I was proud of myself for that. I no longer have my own dedicated 'tools' and this was my chance to have some again, but I resisted. I came to regret it later in the evening though.
My laptop was meant to come back from repair today. I woke up early, didn't go out, didn't even shower in case I missed the door bell. At 6 I called Dell to (after being on hold for ages) be told that I should have been told friday and it will be here friday. I got so angry with them. They don't know how my time has been organised to fit around them telling me one day for them to just change it without telling me. I said I needed an actual time slot and that they would have to arrange it but they just pointed me to the courier. By now the phone, which had been on charge all day, had been very loudly beeping in my ear which was triggering me. I called the courier only to be told there was no such package and there was nothing coming to my address. What happened? I fell to pieces again. Anger at dell and helplessness for not having the laptop or being able to change the situation turned into the self loathing. Somehow, because of this the only solution was to just not be alive anymore. Thankfully right now I cannot explain that logic to you, I don't understand it. But it was crystal clear then. Probably the situation (which was in no way my fault) was all my fault and the only way I could make up for it was to be thoroughly punished and then die. I guess someone had to have the blame put on them and suffer and I am my favourite person to assign blame to. Thankfully I didn't cut or anything else, I went upstairs and played music and continued to sort out boxes. I did with-hold food from myself until I felt better but hey that's better than some other things I could have done?
But I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be scared that if a situation gets out of control I'm going to lose all rational sense and kill myself. I have just about enough sanity at the moment to know that I wouldn't really be wanting to kill myself, I'd just be reactiong to the 'illness'. Thats the scarey thing you know. When I am fully depressed, when all I see is despair with death as the only way out, when I have been like that for weeks and months without a break; I don't fear dying, I look forward it. I am comfortable with that decision. But the more 'sane' I get, the more I see that life can be enjoyed, the more hopes and plans for a future I make, the scareier my suicidal impulses are. Because at those times I know what I can loose and I don't want to loose it. The knowledge that I could in the space of an hour forget my rationality and do myself in scares me way too much. It used to be that I had one major fear; that I would outlive all of my friends. Now I can add another; that I will end up killing myself. I have to ask am I really all that better if I can still feel this bad?
And now I am sat up writing this because I don't want to sleep, lying down just lets the head race and it is not racing to good places. But I have no brain power to play boardgames on line or read fic even. I've been playing solitaire but even that is taking too much brain power. So here I am writing away, not for anyone to read, not even to get it off my chest really. It's just in the vain hope that I will fall asleep at this keyboard without having a chance to think.
Maybe I will watch Merlin. I've only seen ep 13 once.
Dans