emo
hmm. lj-cut isn't working. sorry i tried.
raarrr. i'm in an awful mood. it's my fault. i didn't sleep when i should've and now i'm offbalance, stuck at the hotel, and paying for it.
just got off the phone with mom. our relationship is so non... it's frustrating. there's virtually nothing i have to say that interests her and it comes right back around on my end. we talk about the 3 or 4 automaton robot activities we do in life and then get quiet. there are minutes of silence, then i just sigh and tell her something else, some dig-a-little-deeper nugget, she inevitably interrupts me to throw some unwanted opinion, i clam up. i used to fade off casually, but anymore it's just me saying 'yeah, you know i don't feel like talking. i'm gonna let you go.'
i mean, tonight she calls because i haven't been returning calls or texts the past couple days, we talk awkwardly for maybe three minutes, and then i basically hang up on her. that's how that works.
it's just so clear to me that she was the woman i was born to, she'll always be in my life in whatever form, but there's really not much there beyond that. not much camaraderie or friendly chatter. my antisocial nature is begotten from her own... well over half time spent going through the motions, absently speaking because you do. what's the point?
i'm a little worried grandpa is going to die soon and she's gonna have all these unpeeled layers of self-loathing and remorse for being so distant and cold with him. i might have a few, he's really been reaching out to me and it's just not important to me to touch base with him. which sounds like a total dick thing to say, but it is what it is.
and it's not personal. i don't call or talk to anyone. maybe it would really do me good to be brushing up with people, but at the same time it's not like i have a car to go visit or an apartment i really want people dropping by to. i am someone who thrives on immediacy. if i'm not right there with you then what good is it? i don't know. my world is me and Nic right now... we're so good, and everything else is just secondary. i always knew i'd be a guy that would become tunnel-visioned in a real relationship and i was right. sometimes i miss having friends to kick it with, but mostly i'm fine with it being just us.
it's kind of a raw deal for anybody who cares about me though, for me to just drop off the radar like i do. i mean, i've gotten and not returned calls from Katie, Oliver, Kira, Ben, Jace... these people i genuinely love in my heart. but i don't call back. Shiv burns and sends me cds and writes me a letter, and have i sent back? he doesn't even KNOW me. what is that? it's rude. i really do have love for a handful of people and it sucks that communication is always so relegated to my terms. i don't know why i don't return calls. is it simply not having consideration, is it a deeper branch of negative psychology than i realize? i suppose it doesn't serve me to sit here asking why. i could pick up the phone right now, but it's late and i'm at work [is the excuse i'll use this time].
i'm coming off so much more despondent than i really am. i usually have such happy blogs, and i guess it was time to balance things up a little. my head is just a swirling cesspool at the moment, dark thoughts that haven't seen surface for a while.
wish i was asleep.
i'm off my path.
raarrr. i'm in an awful mood. it's my fault. i didn't sleep when i should've and now i'm offbalance, stuck at the hotel, and paying for it.
just got off the phone with mom. our relationship is so non... it's frustrating. there's virtually nothing i have to say that interests her and it comes right back around on my end. we talk about the 3 or 4 automaton robot activities we do in life and then get quiet. there are minutes of silence, then i just sigh and tell her something else, some dig-a-little-deeper nugget, she inevitably interrupts me to throw some unwanted opinion, i clam up. i used to fade off casually, but anymore it's just me saying 'yeah, you know i don't feel like talking. i'm gonna let you go.'
i mean, tonight she calls because i haven't been returning calls or texts the past couple days, we talk awkwardly for maybe three minutes, and then i basically hang up on her. that's how that works.
it's just so clear to me that she was the woman i was born to, she'll always be in my life in whatever form, but there's really not much there beyond that. not much camaraderie or friendly chatter. my antisocial nature is begotten from her own... well over half time spent going through the motions, absently speaking because you do. what's the point?
i'm a little worried grandpa is going to die soon and she's gonna have all these unpeeled layers of self-loathing and remorse for being so distant and cold with him. i might have a few, he's really been reaching out to me and it's just not important to me to touch base with him. which sounds like a total dick thing to say, but it is what it is.
and it's not personal. i don't call or talk to anyone. maybe it would really do me good to be brushing up with people, but at the same time it's not like i have a car to go visit or an apartment i really want people dropping by to. i am someone who thrives on immediacy. if i'm not right there with you then what good is it? i don't know. my world is me and Nic right now... we're so good, and everything else is just secondary. i always knew i'd be a guy that would become tunnel-visioned in a real relationship and i was right. sometimes i miss having friends to kick it with, but mostly i'm fine with it being just us.
it's kind of a raw deal for anybody who cares about me though, for me to just drop off the radar like i do. i mean, i've gotten and not returned calls from Katie, Oliver, Kira, Ben, Jace... these people i genuinely love in my heart. but i don't call back. Shiv burns and sends me cds and writes me a letter, and have i sent back? he doesn't even KNOW me. what is that? it's rude. i really do have love for a handful of people and it sucks that communication is always so relegated to my terms. i don't know why i don't return calls. is it simply not having consideration, is it a deeper branch of negative psychology than i realize? i suppose it doesn't serve me to sit here asking why. i could pick up the phone right now, but it's late and i'm at work [is the excuse i'll use this time].
i'm coming off so much more despondent than i really am. i usually have such happy blogs, and i guess it was time to balance things up a little. my head is just a swirling cesspool at the moment, dark thoughts that haven't seen surface for a while.
wish i was asleep.
i'm off my path.