(no subject)
Just in time for Christmas! I managed to get this chapter written before the big day. It's funny, because this chapter takes place during Christmas time. I'd always intended to have it in the story, and ironically enough I'm getting to post it right around Christmas. Strange how things work out like that, huh? :) ..Anyway, this chapter is a little longer than most of them are. I fleshed it out a lot more, because I won't be able to write for a few days due to the holidays. Sorry again that there's no Alex in this chapter, but I assure you she is mentioned quite a bit. I also was really excited about this chapter because there are a LOT of cameos. For the most part here on out, there are going to be some time jumps. This one obviously jumped a couple of months. As far as consistencies concerning those who make cameos in this chapter, well, I'm really not concerned about it that much. This is mostly an AU fic, and that's just something you have to keep in mind when you read it. They're mostly just there for one part anyway. Now that I've talked your ear off, let's get to the story.
Thank you to everyone who is reading. I hope that everybody has a happy holiday season. I shall return as soon as I can get the next chapter written. Comments and feedback are loved. :D
Title: Somewhere Out There (chapter nine)
Rating: PG-13 for language
Snow was falling. The soft white flakes had blanketed the city streets and covered the buildings and trees. Olivia had always loved the snow; it made everything look beautiful and pure. It hid the perversion and violence that she had to face everyday. It was Christmas time, and the precinct showed it. Somebody had taken the time to string up a few lights around the windows and hang a few wreathes and signs with ‘Seasons Greetings’ and other various holiday sentiments written on them. There was a giant Santa head on Cragen’s door.
“Oh this is cute,” Munch commented dryly, referring to the Menorah sitting on his desk as he sat down. There was a dreidel there, too.
“Hey man, just didn’t want you to feel left out,” Fin said, containing his amusement.
“Toda,” Munch said, thanking Fin in Hebrew.
“To-what? What the hell you talking about?”
“Damnit! The gift we got for the twins can’t be delivered until two days after Christmas,” Elliot said in a raised voice, hanging up the phone on his desk.
“Well, that’s what you get for waiting so long to order it,” Cragen commented as he walked by towards his office. “Isn’t that clever?” he tapped the Santa head on the nose before passing through the door.
Olivia wasn’t really paying much attention to all the banter bouncing back and forth at the desks around her. She was leaning back in her chair, watching the snow fall. Alex loved the snow, too. Is it snowing where you are? she silently wondered, smiling sadly.
“Hey, Earth to Benson,” Munch called out.
Olivia blinked, looking away from the window towards her colleagues. “What?”
“You going tonight?” Fin asked.
“Tonight?”
“Cragen’s Christmas party,” Elliot reminded her. “We all drew Secret Santas, remember?”
“Oh, yeah,” she said, nodding. “Yeah I’ll be there.”
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Olivia entered her dark apartment and flipped on the lights. She had just enough time to take a quick shower and change her clothes before she had to be at Cragen’s for his annual Christmas party. In truth, she didn’t want to go. This wasn’t a happy time for her, it being her first Christmas without Alex. Olivia dropped her keys on the table and looked into the living room. Normally there would be a small, but pretty little tree in the corner. She and Alex would have decorated it with ornaments and lights, with a few presents underneath. There was no tree this year. Olivia didn’t see the point. There was one present, wrapped in shiny silver paper tied with a red ribbon. It was sitting on the coffee table by the couch. Her Secret Santa gift to Casey.
The Secret Santa tradition was something Cragen had them do every year. Olivia had silently cursed when she drew Casey’s name a month and a half ago. No one had wanted to get her at the time. The red head hadn’t made a very good first impression and none of them really wanted to work with her. Olivia tried to be rational about it, but Casey was just so damn arrogant and pushy, walking into their investigation like she was in charge, like she could do it better. Needless to say, none of them had given Casey an easy time at the beginning. It was getting better, though Olivia didn’t want to admit it. Every time she felt herself starting to smile in Casey’s presence, she would find something negative to focus on and focus on that instead. Casey wasn’t Alex, and she refused to let her replace the woman she loved so much. After drawing Casey’s name however, she had no choice but to do a little detective work and find out a few things about her so she could find her a present she’d like. Apparently they had more in common than Olivia wanted to believe or was willing to accept.
After taking a quick shower, drying her hair and changing her clothes, Olivia grabbed Casey’s present and headed out the door. She had the patrol car she and Elliot usually shared because her partner was taking their family car in order to bring Kathy along too. Olivia was thankful she’d missed most of the evening traffic. She didn’t want to stop. If she did, it would give her the chance to think and dwell on Alex not being there. When she did have to stop, she’d let her mind drift back to work. Their current case was particularly grim. A man was leading a double life and had two families. His children from both ended up at the same school and ended up secretly dating each other. The daughter wound up dead, and all signs were pointing to either her choir teacher, or a relative. Not to mention, she had been pregnant at the time of her death. Olivia rubbed her temples, trying to distance herself from the case. This was supposed to be a night of celebration, not darkness. When she arrived at Cragen’s, she saw Elliot’s car and figured some of the others were probably there already as well. She snatched Casey’s present out of the passenger seat, looked herself over briefly in the rear view mirror, and got out of the car.
Last year, we were standing here together, Olivia thought, raising her hand and knocking on the door. Elliot caught us kissing on the doorstep..
“There you are!” Speak of the devil, Elliot answered the door and stepped back to allow Olivia enough space to walk into the house. “Hey guys, Liv’s here!”
Olivia put on her most convincing mask of happiness, greeting her co-workers and making small talk with those who came up to her. It wasn’t just the SVU detectives and their ADA at this party. Lennie Briscoe was there, Ed Green, Mike Logan, Rey Curtis, Serena Southerlyn, and Jack McCoy were all there as well. Even Warner showed up. Robert Goren and Alex Eames were there. It made Olivia wonder who was out guarding the streets. She didn’t have time to wonder for too long, as she soon found herself wrapped up in conversations with just about everyone she came into contact with. No one mentioned Alex. Olivia wasn’t sure if it was for her sake - though she doubted it, because only a handful of the attendees even knew about their relationship - or because no one wanted to bring up Alex’s death on what was supposed to be a happy occasion. Olivia herself wasn’t sure how she felt about that. She didn’t want to dwell on her sadness, but she didn’t want Alex to be forgotten, either.
About an hour after she’d arrived, the sound of someone tapping a fork against a glass drew everyone out of their chatter. Olivia was relieved. She’d been listening to Goren ramble on for nearly twenty five minutes about, well, she wasn’t sure what he was talking about as she was on her fifth glass of champagne and so was he; she hadn’t listened in the first place, and his words were slurring. Olivia looked up to see it was Jack McCoy.
“Everyone, I just want to say that The Donald has thrown another successful bash this year and we’re all thankful,” Jack said, getting a round of applause. “I know we don’t all get along in our day to day lives, as is the nature of the job. But it’s comforting to know that we can all get together and have a great time outside the office.” Another round of cheers came from the crowd. Olivia lifted her glass to her lips. “On another note, I’d like to welcome our newest addition, ADA Casey Novak.”
Olivia’s eyes shot to McCoy. Was he going to mention her?
“We’ve had a rough few months We lost a good team member this year. But I think with this new addition our conviction rates will stay up and-“
“Goddamn, Jack, do you ever shut up?” Serena interrupted. “We came here to party, not listen to a closing argument. Just toast us and be done with it.” Her comments got a lot of laughs, and prompted everyone to raise their glasses and drink.
Elliot looked around the room for his partner, worried that McCoy’s reference to Alex might have set her off. His eyes scanned the crowd, but he did not see Olivia anywhere. As they began to sing Christmas carols, Elliot excused himself from Kathy (which he was certain would get him an earful at home later) and went in search of Olivia. The house wasn’t very big, so it did not take him long to realize she wasn’t inside. Did she bail? He looked out one of the front windows and saw the patrol car still there. Unless she somehow got a cab really quickly, she had to still be there somewhere. Walking back through the crowd, who now was singing a horribly off key rendition of Joy to the World, Elliot made his way to the back of the house and saw Olivia through the kitchen window standing out on the deck. He pushed the sliding glass door open and closed it behind him, then joined her by the railing. “Hey,” he said, cautiously. “It’s freezing out here. You’re going to get sick without a coat.”
Olivia was leaning against the rail of the deck, looking down at the ground below. “Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve,” she said, ignoring his comment about the cold.
“Yeah, you know, Kathy and I wanted to extend our usual invitation to you to join us on Christmas for dinner.”
“I should’ve probably put up the tree, but I just didn’t see the point. I hate dealing with those damn tree lights,” Olivia continued. “I’d string them around the branches, check all the connectors, plug it in, and they’d blink.” She wrung her hands together and looked up at the star-filled sky, then back down at the ground. “She always knew how to make them stop blinking. I don’t know how, because all she did was the same thing I’d been doing for half an hour. But she’d do it. And then we’d hang up our mismatched ornaments. Hers were all sparkly and made of glass. Mine were lopsided and made out of popsicle sticks. But it worked, somehow. Kind of like how she and I worked.” Her hands were shaking a little, both from the cold and from trying to keep herself together.
“Liv, you’re freezing. Come on, let’s get you inside.”.
“Last year she insisted we make our Christmas presents because they’d be more personal. I told her what a wonderful idea that was. I don’t think either of us knew how craptastically inartistic we were.” That brought the tiniest smirk to her lips, though she still sniffled and felt the warmth of tears stinging the corners of her eyes. “I attempted to knit her a scarf that came down to her ankles and a pair of gloves. One had eight fingers and the other had four.” Olivia’s bottom lip quivered. “She jammed her fingers into the gloves and wrapped that damn scarf around her neck six times to make it work.”
Elliot watched Olivia, as helpless as he was on the night Alex was shot, as helpless as he was when they watched the FBI take her away. He didn’t know how to make her feel better, but he did know that she needed to keep talking. No one deserved to bear the loss Olivia had endured alone. “What did she give you?” He asked, prompting her to continue the story.
Olivia made a sound that was half of a laugh, and half of a choked sob. She closed her eyes for a minute, composing herself as she recalled the memory. “She tried to sew me a sweater,” she replied. “The left sleeve stopped at my elbow, the other one came down half a foot past my hand. The turtleneck came up to my eyebrows, and the bottom hem stopped at my bellybutton. I wore it the rest of the evening. We tried to convince each other and ourselves that we’d done a good job and that it was the best Christmas ever, but neither of us could keep a straight face.” Olivia started to laugh a little, but even as she did, tears started streaming down her cheeks. She felt her hands start to shake a little again, and gripped the railing once more. “It really was, you know. The best Christmas I ever had.”
Elliot watched her for another long, silent moment. There was nothing he could say to make the situation better. But he wanted more than anything in the world to have been Olivia’s Secret Santa, and bring Alex home to her for Christmas. That was impossible. All he could do was be there for her. “Cragen’s got some hot apple cider that I’m sure Munch has spiked with something by now,” he said, gently placing a hand on her back. “Come on.” He started towards the door, hoping she would follow.
But Olivia wasn’t finished yet. She still had more to get out. “I knitted her socks this year, even though we nixed the idea of making gifts again.”
Elliot paused and turned around to look at her. Over the past few months, he thought he’d seen Olivia getting better. He knew she had to still be hurting, still grieving, and still mourning privately. But he didn’t know it was still this bad. Olivia was the strongest person he knew, and was always able to bounce back and face anything that was thrown her way. But this.. Losing Alex.. Olivia wasn’t recovering. She put on a brave face, but he could still see how fragile she was behind the exterior.
“The socks weren’t really her present,” Olivia continued. “I just needed them to be a cover, so I could put this in one of them.” She reached into one of her pockets and pulled out a black velvet box. She didn’t know why she had it with her, but she didn’t like to leave the house without it for some reason. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what was in there. Olivia turned around from the railing and faced Elliot, offering him the box to see what was inside.
Elliot eyed the box before taking it. He opened it very carefully, and immediately his eyes grew wide. He figured it was a ring, but this.. this was a ring. A diamond ring. A white gold band, a beautifully cut diamond surrounded by smaller diamonds decorating the ring. It wasn’t gaudy. It was elegant and dainty, and probably the most expensive piece of jewelry he’d ever seen. Certainly not something a New York City detective could afford. “Liv, how the hell did you pay for this?” He asked, stunned.
Olivia smiled sadly. “When my mother died, she left me some money. I didn’t really have a reason to use it.” Her gaze drifted down to the ring, watching it catch the moonlight just as she imagined it would should it rest on Alex’s finger. “I know I could never have given Alex the wedding I’m sure she dreamt of all her life. I couldn’t give her the lifestyle she was accustomed to. I couldn’t even hold her hand most of the time we went out. But I thought.. maybe..” she felt tears starting to well up in her eyes again. “I just.. I wanted to give her something special. Something she could cherish, to make up for what I couldn’t give her. I know she could never wear it to work, or out to many places. It would raise too much suspicion and draw too many questions. But I was thinking maybe she could put it on a chain and wear it around her neck. Or just.. I don’t know.. keep it on her night stand. Maybe it was silly..” she looked down at her feet, watching downward as two tears dripped onto the ground. “I felt like I was holding her back from everything she wanted to obtain. But she didn’t treat me that way. She was…” Olivia looked back at the ring again. “She is… everything to me.” She reached out and took the box back, closing it and tucking it back into her pocket.
“Olivia,” Elliot began, “I’m not going to try to say that I understand what you’re going through, but I-“
“There you two are.” Someone poked their head out of the door. It was Casey, followed by Serena.
“You’re missing a real show in there. Briscoe, McCoy, and Cragen are attempting to sing The Twelve Days of Christmas,” Serena said. “It’s getting pretty ridiculous. Especially since they’re the sober trio.”
“Oh, Elliot, your wife said for me to tell you she thinks it’s time to go check on the kids,” Casey added. “But I think that’s code for her being ready to leave.”
Elliot looked at Olivia who nodded to him, then back to the two other women. “Thanks. We were about to come inside anyway.” He moved between the blonde and the red head, heading into the house.
Olivia followed suit. She was ready to leave too. Grabbing her coat off the back of a kitchen chair, she slid it over her shoulders, feeling something clank against her right thigh. Casey’s present. Damn… No sense in playing the Secret Santa game now. “Hey, Casey,” she called over to her and motioned for her to come closer.
“Yeah?”
“Look, I know it’s supposed to be a secret, but,” she pulled the wrapped box out of the deep pocket of her trench coat. “Merry Christmas.”
Casey’s eyebrows rose a little as she was surprised by the gift. “Thank you.” She wasn’t expecting a gift at all, really. In fact, she figured that even if someone had drawn her name out, they just wouldn’t bring one. She knew her standing at the Special Victims Unit wasn’t all that high, though she was trying hard to correct it. And what with the particular detest she received from Olivia, she did not think that having to buy her a gift would’ve been easy for the detective. “Really, thank you. I-“
“You two do realize you’re standing under mistletoe, don’t you?” Serena asked, eyeing them.
Olivia looked up. “…So we are,” she said. There was a hint of sadness in her tone, but it was overshadowed by simply sounding like a realization. The sadness was reflected in her thoughts. Alex used to hang mistletoe randomly around their apartments during Christmas, in places where she knew Olivia would stand. Outside the closet door, above her dresser, just in front of the kitchen sink … over the bed… Olivia snapped out of her slight daydream when she felt Casey close the gap between them. Her eyes widened a bit, surprised by the bold move. Her gaze flickered to Casey, who was looking right at her, and looking like she wanted a kiss. Again, Olivia was taken back by surprise. She attributed the boldness and the look in her eyes to alcohol and maybe a set up by Serena, again fueled by alcohol. But Casey wasn’t budging. Olivia swallowed, then leaned in towards her. But at the last second, she canted her head to the side and pressed her lips against Casey’s cheek instead. For a moment, she couldn’t help but linger there. It had been so long since she’d expressed a gesture of affection. While a few months might not have seemed long to some, it was like a lifetime to Olivia after being spoiled by her affections to and from Alex everyday. And what with the intense expressing of emotions she'd just unleashed on Elliot, Olivia was feeling more than a little vulnerable. She could not help but breathe in Casey’s scent. Strawberries.. Her lips brushing against Casey’s skin filled her heart, but only for the briefest moment. A piercing void struck the left side of her chest, just over her heart. That was not Alex’s scent. This was not Alex’s cheek. Those were not Alex’s lips pressing against her cheek, either. Olivia took a step back, unable to breathe. She looked from Casey to Serena, then back again. She needed to be able to breathe. She needed to get out of there.
“Goodnight,” she choked out. “Happy holidays to you both.” Pivoting on her feet, she turned and hurried towards the front room. Elliot was helping Kathy put on her coat. There was tension between them, but Olivia was blind to it at the moment.
“Liv, you okay?” Elliot asked, noticing the deer in the headlights look on his partner’s face as she started towards the door.
Olivia paused, but did not turn back. “I just need to go home. Please, say goodbye to everyone for me. Merry Christmas.” And before they could stop her or say another word, Olivia opened the door and left. She did not stop walking until she reached her car, and somehow by the grace of god she got home without having to stop.
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Olivia did not socialize at work the next day. She barely even spoke to Elliot. She felt useless, which did not set well with her. Because of that, she left the precinct early and told the others they could reach her by phone if they needed to. It was just as well. Olivia did not want to risk running into Casey. She did want to have a word with Serena, but that would come later when she was thinking more clearly.
She did not go home, however. Instead, Olivia walked a different path. It led her to what looked to be a park, but it was marked with stone carvings and small statues. She’d walked to the cemetery. Not before stopping at florist, however. After arriving, she walked a path she’d come to memorize over the past few months. She walked it at least two times a week, if not more. She always brought fresh flowers to replace the bouquet from the previous visit. This time, she had two bouquets and had drifted from the familiar path.
“Merry Christmas, Mom,” she said softly, laying a bundle of red roses at the base of her mother’s grave. She brushed the snow off the headstone and stood there for a moment. As much as she wanted to feel grief, she only felt numb. But she knew it would haunt her if she didn’t visit her mother that day. It was Christmas Eve, after all.
Soon enough, Olivia found her way back onto the familiar path that led to another headstone. This one bore the name of Alexandra Cabot. She knelt beside the grave and brushed the snow off of it, before gingerly placing the bouquet of Casablanca lilies and white roses beneath it. “Merry Christmas Sweetheart,” she whispered. It seemed pointless, going to an empty grave. But it was the closest Olivia could get to Alex at the present moment, and all she had left to cling to. Not to mention, they had to keep up with the façade of Alex’s death. It only seemed appropriate that she be missed. Olivia traced the outline of Alex’s name with her index finger as she would if she was caressing Alex herself. “I’m sorry baby,” she said softly, her lower lip trembling. “I’m so sorry.” What was she apologizing for? Anything and everything. She was sorry for not protecting her better, she was sorry for Alex having to spend Christmas alone, she was sorry for kissing Casey, she was just.. sorry.
The sound of footsteps approaching caused her to perk and scramble up to her feet.
“Olivia…?”
The voice was familiar, but not one she had heard very often. Turning around, Olivia found herself facing a woman she’d seen only once before. “Ms. Cabot..?”
Celia Cabot was standing before her, holding a bouquet of roses. “Please, dear, call me Celia.” She smiled a little at the detective. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas,” Olivia repeated, nodding to her as she did her best to regain her composure. “How long have you been in the city?”
“Just long enough to buy these flowers and ride over here,” she replied. “But with the snow coming down like it is, I had my driver call a hotel to reserve me a room.”
Olivia nodded. She felt like she wanted to hug the older woman, but didn’t know if they were on that level with each other yet. Instead, she just stood there awkwardly. “Well, I won’t take anymore of your time.”
Celia looked from Olivia to the headstone. “I would like it very much if it could be our time with her, unless you have business to attend to.”
The detective blinked, a little stunned. “I.. I’d like that too.” She shifted a little, standing next to Alex’s mother as they stood looking at the grave. Olivia wanted to tell her that Alex wasn’t down there, but she knew that was out of the question. The two remained silent for a long time. Olivia could feel the cold sting of snow flurries brushing against her nose. Still, she was content to stand there with the other woman. It was comforting, and comfort was something she felt they probably both needed.
“Olivia?” Celia finally broke the silence.
“Yes?”
“I’m sure you already have holiday plans, but on the off chance that you don’t,” Celia craned her head up to look at the taller woman. “I wonder if you might keep me company for a Christmas Eve dinner?”
Olivia was caught a little off guard. She did not hesitate to accept, though. “I’d love to, Ms. Ca-Celia,” she corrected herself, smiling a little for the first time that Christmas.
Thank you to everyone who is reading. I hope that everybody has a happy holiday season. I shall return as soon as I can get the next chapter written. Comments and feedback are loved. :D
Title: Somewhere Out There (chapter nine)
Rating: PG-13 for language
Snow was falling. The soft white flakes had blanketed the city streets and covered the buildings and trees. Olivia had always loved the snow; it made everything look beautiful and pure. It hid the perversion and violence that she had to face everyday. It was Christmas time, and the precinct showed it. Somebody had taken the time to string up a few lights around the windows and hang a few wreathes and signs with ‘Seasons Greetings’ and other various holiday sentiments written on them. There was a giant Santa head on Cragen’s door.
“Oh this is cute,” Munch commented dryly, referring to the Menorah sitting on his desk as he sat down. There was a dreidel there, too.
“Hey man, just didn’t want you to feel left out,” Fin said, containing his amusement.
“Toda,” Munch said, thanking Fin in Hebrew.
“To-what? What the hell you talking about?”
“Damnit! The gift we got for the twins can’t be delivered until two days after Christmas,” Elliot said in a raised voice, hanging up the phone on his desk.
“Well, that’s what you get for waiting so long to order it,” Cragen commented as he walked by towards his office. “Isn’t that clever?” he tapped the Santa head on the nose before passing through the door.
Olivia wasn’t really paying much attention to all the banter bouncing back and forth at the desks around her. She was leaning back in her chair, watching the snow fall. Alex loved the snow, too. Is it snowing where you are? she silently wondered, smiling sadly.
“Hey, Earth to Benson,” Munch called out.
Olivia blinked, looking away from the window towards her colleagues. “What?”
“You going tonight?” Fin asked.
“Tonight?”
“Cragen’s Christmas party,” Elliot reminded her. “We all drew Secret Santas, remember?”
“Oh, yeah,” she said, nodding. “Yeah I’ll be there.”
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Olivia entered her dark apartment and flipped on the lights. She had just enough time to take a quick shower and change her clothes before she had to be at Cragen’s for his annual Christmas party. In truth, she didn’t want to go. This wasn’t a happy time for her, it being her first Christmas without Alex. Olivia dropped her keys on the table and looked into the living room. Normally there would be a small, but pretty little tree in the corner. She and Alex would have decorated it with ornaments and lights, with a few presents underneath. There was no tree this year. Olivia didn’t see the point. There was one present, wrapped in shiny silver paper tied with a red ribbon. It was sitting on the coffee table by the couch. Her Secret Santa gift to Casey.
The Secret Santa tradition was something Cragen had them do every year. Olivia had silently cursed when she drew Casey’s name a month and a half ago. No one had wanted to get her at the time. The red head hadn’t made a very good first impression and none of them really wanted to work with her. Olivia tried to be rational about it, but Casey was just so damn arrogant and pushy, walking into their investigation like she was in charge, like she could do it better. Needless to say, none of them had given Casey an easy time at the beginning. It was getting better, though Olivia didn’t want to admit it. Every time she felt herself starting to smile in Casey’s presence, she would find something negative to focus on and focus on that instead. Casey wasn’t Alex, and she refused to let her replace the woman she loved so much. After drawing Casey’s name however, she had no choice but to do a little detective work and find out a few things about her so she could find her a present she’d like. Apparently they had more in common than Olivia wanted to believe or was willing to accept.
After taking a quick shower, drying her hair and changing her clothes, Olivia grabbed Casey’s present and headed out the door. She had the patrol car she and Elliot usually shared because her partner was taking their family car in order to bring Kathy along too. Olivia was thankful she’d missed most of the evening traffic. She didn’t want to stop. If she did, it would give her the chance to think and dwell on Alex not being there. When she did have to stop, she’d let her mind drift back to work. Their current case was particularly grim. A man was leading a double life and had two families. His children from both ended up at the same school and ended up secretly dating each other. The daughter wound up dead, and all signs were pointing to either her choir teacher, or a relative. Not to mention, she had been pregnant at the time of her death. Olivia rubbed her temples, trying to distance herself from the case. This was supposed to be a night of celebration, not darkness. When she arrived at Cragen’s, she saw Elliot’s car and figured some of the others were probably there already as well. She snatched Casey’s present out of the passenger seat, looked herself over briefly in the rear view mirror, and got out of the car.
Last year, we were standing here together, Olivia thought, raising her hand and knocking on the door. Elliot caught us kissing on the doorstep..
“There you are!” Speak of the devil, Elliot answered the door and stepped back to allow Olivia enough space to walk into the house. “Hey guys, Liv’s here!”
Olivia put on her most convincing mask of happiness, greeting her co-workers and making small talk with those who came up to her. It wasn’t just the SVU detectives and their ADA at this party. Lennie Briscoe was there, Ed Green, Mike Logan, Rey Curtis, Serena Southerlyn, and Jack McCoy were all there as well. Even Warner showed up. Robert Goren and Alex Eames were there. It made Olivia wonder who was out guarding the streets. She didn’t have time to wonder for too long, as she soon found herself wrapped up in conversations with just about everyone she came into contact with. No one mentioned Alex. Olivia wasn’t sure if it was for her sake - though she doubted it, because only a handful of the attendees even knew about their relationship - or because no one wanted to bring up Alex’s death on what was supposed to be a happy occasion. Olivia herself wasn’t sure how she felt about that. She didn’t want to dwell on her sadness, but she didn’t want Alex to be forgotten, either.
About an hour after she’d arrived, the sound of someone tapping a fork against a glass drew everyone out of their chatter. Olivia was relieved. She’d been listening to Goren ramble on for nearly twenty five minutes about, well, she wasn’t sure what he was talking about as she was on her fifth glass of champagne and so was he; she hadn’t listened in the first place, and his words were slurring. Olivia looked up to see it was Jack McCoy.
“Everyone, I just want to say that The Donald has thrown another successful bash this year and we’re all thankful,” Jack said, getting a round of applause. “I know we don’t all get along in our day to day lives, as is the nature of the job. But it’s comforting to know that we can all get together and have a great time outside the office.” Another round of cheers came from the crowd. Olivia lifted her glass to her lips. “On another note, I’d like to welcome our newest addition, ADA Casey Novak.”
Olivia’s eyes shot to McCoy. Was he going to mention her?
“We’ve had a rough few months We lost a good team member this year. But I think with this new addition our conviction rates will stay up and-“
“Goddamn, Jack, do you ever shut up?” Serena interrupted. “We came here to party, not listen to a closing argument. Just toast us and be done with it.” Her comments got a lot of laughs, and prompted everyone to raise their glasses and drink.
Elliot looked around the room for his partner, worried that McCoy’s reference to Alex might have set her off. His eyes scanned the crowd, but he did not see Olivia anywhere. As they began to sing Christmas carols, Elliot excused himself from Kathy (which he was certain would get him an earful at home later) and went in search of Olivia. The house wasn’t very big, so it did not take him long to realize she wasn’t inside. Did she bail? He looked out one of the front windows and saw the patrol car still there. Unless she somehow got a cab really quickly, she had to still be there somewhere. Walking back through the crowd, who now was singing a horribly off key rendition of Joy to the World, Elliot made his way to the back of the house and saw Olivia through the kitchen window standing out on the deck. He pushed the sliding glass door open and closed it behind him, then joined her by the railing. “Hey,” he said, cautiously. “It’s freezing out here. You’re going to get sick without a coat.”
Olivia was leaning against the rail of the deck, looking down at the ground below. “Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve,” she said, ignoring his comment about the cold.
“Yeah, you know, Kathy and I wanted to extend our usual invitation to you to join us on Christmas for dinner.”
“I should’ve probably put up the tree, but I just didn’t see the point. I hate dealing with those damn tree lights,” Olivia continued. “I’d string them around the branches, check all the connectors, plug it in, and they’d blink.” She wrung her hands together and looked up at the star-filled sky, then back down at the ground. “She always knew how to make them stop blinking. I don’t know how, because all she did was the same thing I’d been doing for half an hour. But she’d do it. And then we’d hang up our mismatched ornaments. Hers were all sparkly and made of glass. Mine were lopsided and made out of popsicle sticks. But it worked, somehow. Kind of like how she and I worked.” Her hands were shaking a little, both from the cold and from trying to keep herself together.
“Liv, you’re freezing. Come on, let’s get you inside.”.
“Last year she insisted we make our Christmas presents because they’d be more personal. I told her what a wonderful idea that was. I don’t think either of us knew how craptastically inartistic we were.” That brought the tiniest smirk to her lips, though she still sniffled and felt the warmth of tears stinging the corners of her eyes. “I attempted to knit her a scarf that came down to her ankles and a pair of gloves. One had eight fingers and the other had four.” Olivia’s bottom lip quivered. “She jammed her fingers into the gloves and wrapped that damn scarf around her neck six times to make it work.”
Elliot watched Olivia, as helpless as he was on the night Alex was shot, as helpless as he was when they watched the FBI take her away. He didn’t know how to make her feel better, but he did know that she needed to keep talking. No one deserved to bear the loss Olivia had endured alone. “What did she give you?” He asked, prompting her to continue the story.
Olivia made a sound that was half of a laugh, and half of a choked sob. She closed her eyes for a minute, composing herself as she recalled the memory. “She tried to sew me a sweater,” she replied. “The left sleeve stopped at my elbow, the other one came down half a foot past my hand. The turtleneck came up to my eyebrows, and the bottom hem stopped at my bellybutton. I wore it the rest of the evening. We tried to convince each other and ourselves that we’d done a good job and that it was the best Christmas ever, but neither of us could keep a straight face.” Olivia started to laugh a little, but even as she did, tears started streaming down her cheeks. She felt her hands start to shake a little again, and gripped the railing once more. “It really was, you know. The best Christmas I ever had.”
Elliot watched her for another long, silent moment. There was nothing he could say to make the situation better. But he wanted more than anything in the world to have been Olivia’s Secret Santa, and bring Alex home to her for Christmas. That was impossible. All he could do was be there for her. “Cragen’s got some hot apple cider that I’m sure Munch has spiked with something by now,” he said, gently placing a hand on her back. “Come on.” He started towards the door, hoping she would follow.
But Olivia wasn’t finished yet. She still had more to get out. “I knitted her socks this year, even though we nixed the idea of making gifts again.”
Elliot paused and turned around to look at her. Over the past few months, he thought he’d seen Olivia getting better. He knew she had to still be hurting, still grieving, and still mourning privately. But he didn’t know it was still this bad. Olivia was the strongest person he knew, and was always able to bounce back and face anything that was thrown her way. But this.. Losing Alex.. Olivia wasn’t recovering. She put on a brave face, but he could still see how fragile she was behind the exterior.
“The socks weren’t really her present,” Olivia continued. “I just needed them to be a cover, so I could put this in one of them.” She reached into one of her pockets and pulled out a black velvet box. She didn’t know why she had it with her, but she didn’t like to leave the house without it for some reason. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what was in there. Olivia turned around from the railing and faced Elliot, offering him the box to see what was inside.
Elliot eyed the box before taking it. He opened it very carefully, and immediately his eyes grew wide. He figured it was a ring, but this.. this was a ring. A diamond ring. A white gold band, a beautifully cut diamond surrounded by smaller diamonds decorating the ring. It wasn’t gaudy. It was elegant and dainty, and probably the most expensive piece of jewelry he’d ever seen. Certainly not something a New York City detective could afford. “Liv, how the hell did you pay for this?” He asked, stunned.
Olivia smiled sadly. “When my mother died, she left me some money. I didn’t really have a reason to use it.” Her gaze drifted down to the ring, watching it catch the moonlight just as she imagined it would should it rest on Alex’s finger. “I know I could never have given Alex the wedding I’m sure she dreamt of all her life. I couldn’t give her the lifestyle she was accustomed to. I couldn’t even hold her hand most of the time we went out. But I thought.. maybe..” she felt tears starting to well up in her eyes again. “I just.. I wanted to give her something special. Something she could cherish, to make up for what I couldn’t give her. I know she could never wear it to work, or out to many places. It would raise too much suspicion and draw too many questions. But I was thinking maybe she could put it on a chain and wear it around her neck. Or just.. I don’t know.. keep it on her night stand. Maybe it was silly..” she looked down at her feet, watching downward as two tears dripped onto the ground. “I felt like I was holding her back from everything she wanted to obtain. But she didn’t treat me that way. She was…” Olivia looked back at the ring again. “She is… everything to me.” She reached out and took the box back, closing it and tucking it back into her pocket.
“Olivia,” Elliot began, “I’m not going to try to say that I understand what you’re going through, but I-“
“There you two are.” Someone poked their head out of the door. It was Casey, followed by Serena.
“You’re missing a real show in there. Briscoe, McCoy, and Cragen are attempting to sing The Twelve Days of Christmas,” Serena said. “It’s getting pretty ridiculous. Especially since they’re the sober trio.”
“Oh, Elliot, your wife said for me to tell you she thinks it’s time to go check on the kids,” Casey added. “But I think that’s code for her being ready to leave.”
Elliot looked at Olivia who nodded to him, then back to the two other women. “Thanks. We were about to come inside anyway.” He moved between the blonde and the red head, heading into the house.
Olivia followed suit. She was ready to leave too. Grabbing her coat off the back of a kitchen chair, she slid it over her shoulders, feeling something clank against her right thigh. Casey’s present. Damn… No sense in playing the Secret Santa game now. “Hey, Casey,” she called over to her and motioned for her to come closer.
“Yeah?”
“Look, I know it’s supposed to be a secret, but,” she pulled the wrapped box out of the deep pocket of her trench coat. “Merry Christmas.”
Casey’s eyebrows rose a little as she was surprised by the gift. “Thank you.” She wasn’t expecting a gift at all, really. In fact, she figured that even if someone had drawn her name out, they just wouldn’t bring one. She knew her standing at the Special Victims Unit wasn’t all that high, though she was trying hard to correct it. And what with the particular detest she received from Olivia, she did not think that having to buy her a gift would’ve been easy for the detective. “Really, thank you. I-“
“You two do realize you’re standing under mistletoe, don’t you?” Serena asked, eyeing them.
Olivia looked up. “…So we are,” she said. There was a hint of sadness in her tone, but it was overshadowed by simply sounding like a realization. The sadness was reflected in her thoughts. Alex used to hang mistletoe randomly around their apartments during Christmas, in places where she knew Olivia would stand. Outside the closet door, above her dresser, just in front of the kitchen sink … over the bed… Olivia snapped out of her slight daydream when she felt Casey close the gap between them. Her eyes widened a bit, surprised by the bold move. Her gaze flickered to Casey, who was looking right at her, and looking like she wanted a kiss. Again, Olivia was taken back by surprise. She attributed the boldness and the look in her eyes to alcohol and maybe a set up by Serena, again fueled by alcohol. But Casey wasn’t budging. Olivia swallowed, then leaned in towards her. But at the last second, she canted her head to the side and pressed her lips against Casey’s cheek instead. For a moment, she couldn’t help but linger there. It had been so long since she’d expressed a gesture of affection. While a few months might not have seemed long to some, it was like a lifetime to Olivia after being spoiled by her affections to and from Alex everyday. And what with the intense expressing of emotions she'd just unleashed on Elliot, Olivia was feeling more than a little vulnerable. She could not help but breathe in Casey’s scent. Strawberries.. Her lips brushing against Casey’s skin filled her heart, but only for the briefest moment. A piercing void struck the left side of her chest, just over her heart. That was not Alex’s scent. This was not Alex’s cheek. Those were not Alex’s lips pressing against her cheek, either. Olivia took a step back, unable to breathe. She looked from Casey to Serena, then back again. She needed to be able to breathe. She needed to get out of there.
“Goodnight,” she choked out. “Happy holidays to you both.” Pivoting on her feet, she turned and hurried towards the front room. Elliot was helping Kathy put on her coat. There was tension between them, but Olivia was blind to it at the moment.
“Liv, you okay?” Elliot asked, noticing the deer in the headlights look on his partner’s face as she started towards the door.
Olivia paused, but did not turn back. “I just need to go home. Please, say goodbye to everyone for me. Merry Christmas.” And before they could stop her or say another word, Olivia opened the door and left. She did not stop walking until she reached her car, and somehow by the grace of god she got home without having to stop.
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Olivia did not socialize at work the next day. She barely even spoke to Elliot. She felt useless, which did not set well with her. Because of that, she left the precinct early and told the others they could reach her by phone if they needed to. It was just as well. Olivia did not want to risk running into Casey. She did want to have a word with Serena, but that would come later when she was thinking more clearly.
She did not go home, however. Instead, Olivia walked a different path. It led her to what looked to be a park, but it was marked with stone carvings and small statues. She’d walked to the cemetery. Not before stopping at florist, however. After arriving, she walked a path she’d come to memorize over the past few months. She walked it at least two times a week, if not more. She always brought fresh flowers to replace the bouquet from the previous visit. This time, she had two bouquets and had drifted from the familiar path.
“Merry Christmas, Mom,” she said softly, laying a bundle of red roses at the base of her mother’s grave. She brushed the snow off the headstone and stood there for a moment. As much as she wanted to feel grief, she only felt numb. But she knew it would haunt her if she didn’t visit her mother that day. It was Christmas Eve, after all.
Soon enough, Olivia found her way back onto the familiar path that led to another headstone. This one bore the name of Alexandra Cabot. She knelt beside the grave and brushed the snow off of it, before gingerly placing the bouquet of Casablanca lilies and white roses beneath it. “Merry Christmas Sweetheart,” she whispered. It seemed pointless, going to an empty grave. But it was the closest Olivia could get to Alex at the present moment, and all she had left to cling to. Not to mention, they had to keep up with the façade of Alex’s death. It only seemed appropriate that she be missed. Olivia traced the outline of Alex’s name with her index finger as she would if she was caressing Alex herself. “I’m sorry baby,” she said softly, her lower lip trembling. “I’m so sorry.” What was she apologizing for? Anything and everything. She was sorry for not protecting her better, she was sorry for Alex having to spend Christmas alone, she was sorry for kissing Casey, she was just.. sorry.
The sound of footsteps approaching caused her to perk and scramble up to her feet.
“Olivia…?”
The voice was familiar, but not one she had heard very often. Turning around, Olivia found herself facing a woman she’d seen only once before. “Ms. Cabot..?”
Celia Cabot was standing before her, holding a bouquet of roses. “Please, dear, call me Celia.” She smiled a little at the detective. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas,” Olivia repeated, nodding to her as she did her best to regain her composure. “How long have you been in the city?”
“Just long enough to buy these flowers and ride over here,” she replied. “But with the snow coming down like it is, I had my driver call a hotel to reserve me a room.”
Olivia nodded. She felt like she wanted to hug the older woman, but didn’t know if they were on that level with each other yet. Instead, she just stood there awkwardly. “Well, I won’t take anymore of your time.”
Celia looked from Olivia to the headstone. “I would like it very much if it could be our time with her, unless you have business to attend to.”
The detective blinked, a little stunned. “I.. I’d like that too.” She shifted a little, standing next to Alex’s mother as they stood looking at the grave. Olivia wanted to tell her that Alex wasn’t down there, but she knew that was out of the question. The two remained silent for a long time. Olivia could feel the cold sting of snow flurries brushing against her nose. Still, she was content to stand there with the other woman. It was comforting, and comfort was something she felt they probably both needed.
“Olivia?” Celia finally broke the silence.
“Yes?”
“I’m sure you already have holiday plans, but on the off chance that you don’t,” Celia craned her head up to look at the taller woman. “I wonder if you might keep me company for a Christmas Eve dinner?”
Olivia was caught a little off guard. She did not hesitate to accept, though. “I’d love to, Ms. Ca-Celia,” she corrected herself, smiling a little for the first time that Christmas.