(no subject)
So, I've come to the conclusion that I'm the sort of girl guys are friends with, not the kind of girl they date. I mean, I've dated a good number of fellas and I will admit, some of them seemed quite taken with me, but it just doesn't last. With either party, which is frakkin' weird. Like, I'll have a thing for some totally great guy, and he'll ask me out and it'll be this really fun... thing for like, 2 weeks, and then it just sort of... fizzles. It's not that we find each other any less attractive or fun or anything, but it all just slides into friendship so easily.
In all honesty, though, it doesn't really bug me. I mean, it's not that I don't feel a teeny twinge when I see star-crossed lovers smooching over a Diet Coke or anything, cause HELLO, I have ovaries and all, it's just that I think I'm just so blasé about the whole thing. I see all my friends and relatives and whatever in relationships, and they look hard. And in all seriousness, at this point in my life, I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't care much about helping the poor and being a Mother T clone, even though it's not the greatest thing to admit. I look back on me in high school- or even me 6 months ago- and I just want to tell her to loosen up. Relax. Take a breath. Take five breaths. Take an entire day worth of breaths, woman. Just live for once.
I think sometimes, you just have to lose someone- or something- to realize how much you need 'em. I almost lost myself. All the drama with friends and school and boyfriends- I just sort of let me go, and didn't really realize it. I love me, and I need me, and I'm relieved and excited to have me back. I missed me.
Anyway, I digress. The Guy Thing. I think this revelation has been brimming for a while. It's basically always been there in the back of my mind, just waiting to emerge. Like white noise, or the Japanese threatening nuclear war. I was lying on my bed yesterday listening to Elton John (like, duh, what else?), and I think guys- for me- are like this weird, dream sort of thing. Like, one day, you finally- after however many day or months or years- accomplish your dream or your goal, the thing you've been working towards for what seems like ever. What next? What happens? What do you do then? I'm not saying that dating a guy is like accomplishing a serious goal for me or anything, but still. I just don't know what to do next. So, I let it slide into something easy and familiar that I can handle and that actually means something to me and that can actually go somewhere with. I don't think that it's even my inherent detachedness toward relationships. I'm just not interested. I think I have a faulty dating/girlfriend chip.
Or maybe it's not faulty. Maybe it's just me. Which ever it is, I'm sort of refreshed by it.
How's that for crazy?
In all honesty, though, it doesn't really bug me. I mean, it's not that I don't feel a teeny twinge when I see star-crossed lovers smooching over a Diet Coke or anything, cause HELLO, I have ovaries and all, it's just that I think I'm just so blasé about the whole thing. I see all my friends and relatives and whatever in relationships, and they look hard. And in all seriousness, at this point in my life, I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't care much about helping the poor and being a Mother T clone, even though it's not the greatest thing to admit. I look back on me in high school- or even me 6 months ago- and I just want to tell her to loosen up. Relax. Take a breath. Take five breaths. Take an entire day worth of breaths, woman. Just live for once.
I think sometimes, you just have to lose someone- or something- to realize how much you need 'em. I almost lost myself. All the drama with friends and school and boyfriends- I just sort of let me go, and didn't really realize it. I love me, and I need me, and I'm relieved and excited to have me back. I missed me.
Anyway, I digress. The Guy Thing. I think this revelation has been brimming for a while. It's basically always been there in the back of my mind, just waiting to emerge. Like white noise, or the Japanese threatening nuclear war. I was lying on my bed yesterday listening to Elton John (like, duh, what else?), and I think guys- for me- are like this weird, dream sort of thing. Like, one day, you finally- after however many day or months or years- accomplish your dream or your goal, the thing you've been working towards for what seems like ever. What next? What happens? What do you do then? I'm not saying that dating a guy is like accomplishing a serious goal for me or anything, but still. I just don't know what to do next. So, I let it slide into something easy and familiar that I can handle and that actually means something to me and that can actually go somewhere with. I don't think that it's even my inherent detachedness toward relationships. I'm just not interested. I think I have a faulty dating/girlfriend chip.
Or maybe it's not faulty. Maybe it's just me. Which ever it is, I'm sort of refreshed by it.
How's that for crazy?