So, American Idol & I Aren't Really On Speaking Terms.
Come on. Will and Gideon got sent home? America, you jest, for no one and I mean no one sucks more than Taylor, Bucky, Ace, and Kevin. No one.
Taylor. Oh, Taylor. I want to punch him in the face so bad. So bad. I sure do hope Taylor kept a receipt when he bought his own hype, cause damn. If Taylor can't take that slight criticism at forty-five or however old he is, then what is he doing here? Taylor has a frigging spasmodic fit like he's having a heart attack, this charmless blind Ray Charles smile, and then out of nowhere pitches left with the top half of his body, almost bonking his head on the doorways. No reason. No suddenly-appearing bees or wasps to avoid, no balcony-related mishap causing him to lose his balance. Just a sudden twist, to the side, like an idiot, because somewhere a camera was turned on. Have you noticed how utterly without affectation Taylor is? How really, really real and unique he is? Not yet? Don't worry, there's still time. Could you cut me a single break, Hicks? He has this huge shit-eating grin the whole time, and with the gray hair his eyes look incredibly sinister. He's like a guy in a movie that you think is going to give the hero the last microchip but you find out at the end that he was running the game all along and whatever. He stabs you. It's really weird. He looks like he'll offer to sell you China White or a baby. Gross.
Kevin. Chicken Little Kevin. He's totally not as bad as the others, but he's just... I can't take it anymore. He blinks on every single word, and it's not the cutest thing. He's the biggest joke and everybody know it, but for some fascinating reason, he's not quite being let in on it. He just kind of makes me feels sorry for him, which I hate, and he fully needs to leave.
Bucky has...it's not just a ponytail, you realize that? It's shaved from the bottom up to where a baseball cap would be, all the way around, so that the lank hair that is left falls down around his disgusting face even more thinly and dirtily. It's a blue-collar thing, I assume it's sweat-related, but what it actually is, is the updated Nascar little tiny rattail, i.e., a sign that you are gross and probably spit indoors unless specifically asked not to. Which, ew. Bucky always points at the camera and winks gimpishly shuddering under the weight of all that filth, his eyes nearly sealed closed with the mucus of conjunctivitis or has a boss eye or maybe late-stage syphilitic dementia or maybe all of the above. I cannot for the life of me understand what he is saying ever, but I'm pretty sure it's always something about "Skynyrd" or "vittles," I think. And Bucky is a blinker. Light sensitivity is a sign of amphetamine abuse and also sometimes inbreeding. Which, go fig.
And I don't know what it is about Ace, but he fully creeps me out. Like, I know people prefer him to Constantine and whatever, and they think he's a total fox, but he stares into the camera all creepily and weird and sings dirty, dirty George Michael songs, and it's just weird. This is...there is a grossness. There is no reason this should be acceptable. "Father Figure" starts, and I feel like they should turn down the lights because he's making sex faces and it's weird with the lights so bright. Also, his hair does a weird Lewis Carroll thing on one side. He has all these feelings and strong emotions and from one very specific angle he looks exactly like the not-really-attractive Anson Mount. This is me, not being a fan, Ace. Not a fan.
But yay Elliott, even though he has a bowl cut and funny teeth. I like Elliott. And yay Chris, even though he has weird facial hair and a penchant for singing bad Fuel songs. I like him, too.
So I guess the rant of the day is over. See you tomorrow. Or later today if I get bored. Which I probably will.
Taylor. Oh, Taylor. I want to punch him in the face so bad. So bad. I sure do hope Taylor kept a receipt when he bought his own hype, cause damn. If Taylor can't take that slight criticism at forty-five or however old he is, then what is he doing here? Taylor has a frigging spasmodic fit like he's having a heart attack, this charmless blind Ray Charles smile, and then out of nowhere pitches left with the top half of his body, almost bonking his head on the doorways. No reason. No suddenly-appearing bees or wasps to avoid, no balcony-related mishap causing him to lose his balance. Just a sudden twist, to the side, like an idiot, because somewhere a camera was turned on. Have you noticed how utterly without affectation Taylor is? How really, really real and unique he is? Not yet? Don't worry, there's still time. Could you cut me a single break, Hicks? He has this huge shit-eating grin the whole time, and with the gray hair his eyes look incredibly sinister. He's like a guy in a movie that you think is going to give the hero the last microchip but you find out at the end that he was running the game all along and whatever. He stabs you. It's really weird. He looks like he'll offer to sell you China White or a baby. Gross.
Kevin. Chicken Little Kevin. He's totally not as bad as the others, but he's just... I can't take it anymore. He blinks on every single word, and it's not the cutest thing. He's the biggest joke and everybody know it, but for some fascinating reason, he's not quite being let in on it. He just kind of makes me feels sorry for him, which I hate, and he fully needs to leave.
Bucky has...it's not just a ponytail, you realize that? It's shaved from the bottom up to where a baseball cap would be, all the way around, so that the lank hair that is left falls down around his disgusting face even more thinly and dirtily. It's a blue-collar thing, I assume it's sweat-related, but what it actually is, is the updated Nascar little tiny rattail, i.e., a sign that you are gross and probably spit indoors unless specifically asked not to. Which, ew. Bucky always points at the camera and winks gimpishly shuddering under the weight of all that filth, his eyes nearly sealed closed with the mucus of conjunctivitis or has a boss eye or maybe late-stage syphilitic dementia or maybe all of the above. I cannot for the life of me understand what he is saying ever, but I'm pretty sure it's always something about "Skynyrd" or "vittles," I think. And Bucky is a blinker. Light sensitivity is a sign of amphetamine abuse and also sometimes inbreeding. Which, go fig.
And I don't know what it is about Ace, but he fully creeps me out. Like, I know people prefer him to Constantine and whatever, and they think he's a total fox, but he stares into the camera all creepily and weird and sings dirty, dirty George Michael songs, and it's just weird. This is...there is a grossness. There is no reason this should be acceptable. "Father Figure" starts, and I feel like they should turn down the lights because he's making sex faces and it's weird with the lights so bright. Also, his hair does a weird Lewis Carroll thing on one side. He has all these feelings and strong emotions and from one very specific angle he looks exactly like the not-really-attractive Anson Mount. This is me, not being a fan, Ace. Not a fan.
But yay Elliott, even though he has a bowl cut and funny teeth. I like Elliott. And yay Chris, even though he has weird facial hair and a penchant for singing bad Fuel songs. I like him, too.
So I guess the rant of the day is over. See you tomorrow. Or later today if I get bored. Which I probably will.