(no subject)
it is really a wonder to me that i still think about this thing at all... life moves so quickly and i am feeling the need lately to slow it the fuck down.
it is time to downsize. it is time to reconfigure. can you do this with someone else in your life? can you maneuver around them?
i know this situation is far from untouchable... but good god the change that can happen at the most inconvenient times.
so i need to downsize. starting with material possessions. no, not for spiritual reasons... but, more importantly, for personal fulfillment. it doenst feel right. and lately, i am all about what my gut is saying.
and perhaps thats why this bothers me so fucking much. because my gut is telling me that things are not settled and they are far from it.
last night you invaded a life i have built without you. i love this place im at, this satisfaction. you're like a skeleton in the closet and id like to clean you out. i just wonder, truly wonder, if theres a way to do that without more pain.
but last night also proved to me how much i love this woman. yes, this woman i am becoming, but also this woman that is growing, daily, to be a more integral part of my life.
and still, it is time to downsize.
it is time to move on, and perhaps, move out.
ive got this itch to be away from here. i contemplated driving north just then. thats how itchy.
but truthfully, what is there? you leave a home to make once elsewhere. but where does the heart live until it is ready, until it is built and storm-protected, and prepared for everything you are?
i will call it a dream because it easier to explain that way -- a daydream, a night dream, a nightmare whatever you'd like to call it.
it was, in all truth, my reality.
but i will refer to it as a dream because dreams havae this qualified reality to them, a texture that fits into the curve of my palm and allows for much analysis and thumbing through -- where as reality is whatever id care to perceive it and however you, yourself, would care to perceieve my perception.
are you following?
so i had this dream - call it an epiphany if you'd like (oh good god, now we're getting appellations for analogies that were not accurate in teh first place, dear gawwwwd) -- i realized just how jealous i can be. just how untrusting. just how untrustworthy.
in actuality, it was a dream about the Other. you know who im talking about. it could be the ass they check out every now and then, it could be an old flame, it could be just damn insecurity -- about the relationship, about oneself, about the certainty of life in general. and good god knows we all have reasons for it -- people (and lord do we really need names?) will leave you for false reasons and end up with someone else, they will leave you for inadequacy, they will leave you in death or simply in parting. but people leave.
and people have.
so why shouldnt i be worried. and why shouldnt my dreams be telling.
so it was a dream about the Other. the past. the past that invades the present. there is something inherently difficult for me to hear about old flames. inherently difficult for me to listen to stories about sexy encounters or fabulous evenings or the longing and desire that preceded whatever consummation that occurred, endured, and finally terminated itself in a huge implosion of regret or longing, the difference does not matter.
do you struggle with this? i struggle. i struggle with the Other.
in other news, i miss my girls. i will have some girl time this weekend and i hope that it will not be bombarded by my schoolwork or work work or the much-welcome affection of my significant other.
these are touchy subjects in touchy times. i do not know how to confront them or handle them gently enough.
i do not want feelings to be hurt, lest they be my own.
if only i could make everyone happy.
i have been considering chopping my hair.
and i do mean chopping.
suggestions?
ps: im going to mexico. march. woot.
and on that note, an aside: i wonder how long the rest of my life is. hmm.
it is time to downsize. it is time to reconfigure. can you do this with someone else in your life? can you maneuver around them?
i know this situation is far from untouchable... but good god the change that can happen at the most inconvenient times.
so i need to downsize. starting with material possessions. no, not for spiritual reasons... but, more importantly, for personal fulfillment. it doenst feel right. and lately, i am all about what my gut is saying.
and perhaps thats why this bothers me so fucking much. because my gut is telling me that things are not settled and they are far from it.
last night you invaded a life i have built without you. i love this place im at, this satisfaction. you're like a skeleton in the closet and id like to clean you out. i just wonder, truly wonder, if theres a way to do that without more pain.
but last night also proved to me how much i love this woman. yes, this woman i am becoming, but also this woman that is growing, daily, to be a more integral part of my life.
and still, it is time to downsize.
it is time to move on, and perhaps, move out.
ive got this itch to be away from here. i contemplated driving north just then. thats how itchy.
but truthfully, what is there? you leave a home to make once elsewhere. but where does the heart live until it is ready, until it is built and storm-protected, and prepared for everything you are?
i will call it a dream because it easier to explain that way -- a daydream, a night dream, a nightmare whatever you'd like to call it.
it was, in all truth, my reality.
but i will refer to it as a dream because dreams havae this qualified reality to them, a texture that fits into the curve of my palm and allows for much analysis and thumbing through -- where as reality is whatever id care to perceive it and however you, yourself, would care to perceieve my perception.
are you following?
so i had this dream - call it an epiphany if you'd like (oh good god, now we're getting appellations for analogies that were not accurate in teh first place, dear gawwwwd) -- i realized just how jealous i can be. just how untrusting. just how untrustworthy.
in actuality, it was a dream about the Other. you know who im talking about. it could be the ass they check out every now and then, it could be an old flame, it could be just damn insecurity -- about the relationship, about oneself, about the certainty of life in general. and good god knows we all have reasons for it -- people (and lord do we really need names?) will leave you for false reasons and end up with someone else, they will leave you for inadequacy, they will leave you in death or simply in parting. but people leave.
and people have.
so why shouldnt i be worried. and why shouldnt my dreams be telling.
so it was a dream about the Other. the past. the past that invades the present. there is something inherently difficult for me to hear about old flames. inherently difficult for me to listen to stories about sexy encounters or fabulous evenings or the longing and desire that preceded whatever consummation that occurred, endured, and finally terminated itself in a huge implosion of regret or longing, the difference does not matter.
do you struggle with this? i struggle. i struggle with the Other.
in other news, i miss my girls. i will have some girl time this weekend and i hope that it will not be bombarded by my schoolwork or work work or the much-welcome affection of my significant other.
these are touchy subjects in touchy times. i do not know how to confront them or handle them gently enough.
i do not want feelings to be hurt, lest they be my own.
if only i could make everyone happy.
i have been considering chopping my hair.
and i do mean chopping.
suggestions?
ps: im going to mexico. march. woot.
and on that note, an aside: i wonder how long the rest of my life is. hmm.