insignificance
I'm feeling mighty insignificant right now.
My life has been confused. You might look at it from the outside in and not see anything wrong, but if you look hard its apparent. Unfortunately, theres no one really there that'll look hard at that. My mom is there for me, thats about it. everyone else has someone else thats occupying their time. Or someone else to care about, and if they spend time with me, its just lack of better things to do. at least thats the way i feel.
and it really really gets to me. I was driving to barnes and noble last night, in my car that doesn't have a cd player, and i was sick of classic rock fleetwood mac bruce sprinstein crap, and i put it on classical 102.5, and i just thought. And it became aparent to me that i don't think. I'm just flying through life without sitting back to think. I always have something else to occupy my mind. Whether it be schoolwork, television shows, a new cd, college, my cats, work etc.
But when i thought, i cried. I thought about my life, and about what i was doing for the world, and about what i was going to become, and i cried. I have had no impact on anyone. I want to change someones life. I want to be there for someone else, i know i would be. I want someone to be able to say "he saved my life" or someone to be able to say "i don't know what i'd do without him." But lately i just don't feel that anyone could care less. I know, I KNOW, that i would do the morally right thing in a situation when that situation came. always. But thats obviously not enough. anyone can say that. and mean it too, but it doesn't really change a thing. ANd i don't know how to change it. i don't know what to physically do to change the world and have more impact on the people i spend my life with. I wish i knew the answers. i wish i didn't feel so fucking insignificant.
So what am i left to do now? just find more things to occupy my time i suppose. or find people that will appreciate me for who i am and need me in their life. or try harder with the friends i have. i waited to long. It scares me that the first time in 5 months that i have sat back and taken a long hard look at my life, tears flowed.
i'm sure everyone's felt this way...
My life has been confused. You might look at it from the outside in and not see anything wrong, but if you look hard its apparent. Unfortunately, theres no one really there that'll look hard at that. My mom is there for me, thats about it. everyone else has someone else thats occupying their time. Or someone else to care about, and if they spend time with me, its just lack of better things to do. at least thats the way i feel.
and it really really gets to me. I was driving to barnes and noble last night, in my car that doesn't have a cd player, and i was sick of classic rock fleetwood mac bruce sprinstein crap, and i put it on classical 102.5, and i just thought. And it became aparent to me that i don't think. I'm just flying through life without sitting back to think. I always have something else to occupy my mind. Whether it be schoolwork, television shows, a new cd, college, my cats, work etc.
But when i thought, i cried. I thought about my life, and about what i was doing for the world, and about what i was going to become, and i cried. I have had no impact on anyone. I want to change someones life. I want to be there for someone else, i know i would be. I want someone to be able to say "he saved my life" or someone to be able to say "i don't know what i'd do without him." But lately i just don't feel that anyone could care less. I know, I KNOW, that i would do the morally right thing in a situation when that situation came. always. But thats obviously not enough. anyone can say that. and mean it too, but it doesn't really change a thing. ANd i don't know how to change it. i don't know what to physically do to change the world and have more impact on the people i spend my life with. I wish i knew the answers. i wish i didn't feel so fucking insignificant.
So what am i left to do now? just find more things to occupy my time i suppose. or find people that will appreciate me for who i am and need me in their life. or try harder with the friends i have. i waited to long. It scares me that the first time in 5 months that i have sat back and taken a long hard look at my life, tears flowed.
i'm sure everyone's felt this way...