we live in a beautiful world
Yay for bad days.... wait, what?
My throat is experiencing great pain and it's driving me crazy. Thanks ma.
Let's be honest. I've been seriously slipping lately. Not done my English homework in months, literally. Not completed a Calculus assignment and goodness knows how long. I received C's in both of those classes at the close of last semester, and i was lucky to get that. My GPA felt a blow from that... my cumulative is now down to a 3.6... and I don't liek that at all. Not when I could actually be getting at least B's in both classes. I'm so much better than the wasy I've been behaving, I'm fucking ashamed. We haven't made one deadline on time in Yearbook, and this one looks like it will be no different. I still have way too much shit to do and i've been lagging. Not to mention that colleges are watching, and scholarship opportunities are flying by at the speed of light. Can we say stress?
I knew today would be a bad day. I didn't get to finish my hot soothing chai before I got on the bus, I forgot my keys at home, my shoes are dirty... the list goes on. I wasn't a pleasant person to be around, I know. And then first period we had to write a reflective quickwrite which was hard to do when "Sugar We're Goin Down" [Fall Out Boy] is stuck in your head. So I was listening to Sansbury-san and I finished and started pretending to read "The Iliad" [reuse translation] and ended up staring into space. Then Deems told me to put Sansbury away and I did but then I started getting a headache and the tears started. Fucking tears. Fuck you tears. I managed to contain them after awhile, while managing not to draw attention to myself [i sit right in front of him, seriously] and class was 2 minutes from being over when I was standing at the door, and then Deems said he wanted to talk to me and I was like 'FUCK'. and after everyone left he was askign me what was going on, apparently i've been knitting too much in class, listening to music, staring off in space, yadda yadda. and the tears were begging to fall once more, but I wouldn't let them. He was demanding an explanation, I wrote it off as 'just stress' and he said he wants to talk about it and i left for Calculus. And I would liek to take this opportunity to say you don't walk into Calculus upset. You can leave upset every day of the year, but nothing good will happen if you walk in upset. And on the walk I saw Justin [oh he's just adorable and sweet] and he was asking me what's wrong. The tears, the fucking tears wouldn't stop for at least 10 minutes into Calculus. All I could think was that I needed someone. someone to hold me and maybe kiss my cheek and tell me it would be fine, that I was stressing over nothing, and that I could handle this, because I'm Tracie. And i'll win. I don't really believe that, but sometimes I don't mind being lied to. And all those thoughts were in vain because I couldn't get that from the person I want it from most. Brittany's not gonna kiss away my tears, and force it out of me when she knows something's wrong. And I don't know what to do about that. But it did make me cry some more, in Art class. However, that was the last class that I cried in, thank God. I hate being such a wreck.
Lunch was unsuccessful, as I had known it would be. But let's not get into that. Immediately following lunch, I went upstairs and joined the circle of people, Louis, [daniel] Sorto, Thomas, and 2 guys whose names I don't know, outside of Duffy's class. And as soon as I walked up, Louis gave an exaggerated groan and was like "who said Tracie could join the circle?"
Me: {touches heart} I thought it was an unspoken rule that I'm invited.
Louis: No, it's not. Cuz we don't like you. Well, these guys might, but I don't.
Other guy: Sorto, do you?
Sorto: {looks between me and Louis} ...no.
Louis: Good job Daniel {high fives}
Me: Oh. ok. {backs away, looking lonely}
Louis: {watches} ooh, now she's looking angry and lonely. Yes!
I wasn't really angry; my eyes were hurting from all the fucking crying. But yea, we had another sub, and we watched another video, and he and I were talking the whole class. So much for not liking me, haha. I imagine I give myself away... I can't look at his face when he's looking at me. He either thinks I'm fidgety or knows I like him. I'm not sure I care which.
The point is that talking with Louis cheered me up. I felt better after 5th, I was actually smiling in Yearbook... and I wish it hadn't happened that way. I wish that I had no plans for lunch, so that I could drag Brittany aside, tell her what was wrong, and feel better after that. Louis... that's not his job. I don't want it to be this way.
Valentine's Day was yesterday. The day never really mattered to me before, and it didn't to Brittany either. But this year, she decided to just do it. She bought me a candy apple, a new LP wallet, and some pocky [the $3.99 kind]. She is such a sweetheart.
If I've contradicted myself, it's because I'm not even sure how I feel.
anythign else? uhm, entry with the music in the near future. in the meanwhile, do me a favor?
My throat is experiencing great pain and it's driving me crazy. Thanks ma.
Let's be honest. I've been seriously slipping lately. Not done my English homework in months, literally. Not completed a Calculus assignment and goodness knows how long. I received C's in both of those classes at the close of last semester, and i was lucky to get that. My GPA felt a blow from that... my cumulative is now down to a 3.6... and I don't liek that at all. Not when I could actually be getting at least B's in both classes. I'm so much better than the wasy I've been behaving, I'm fucking ashamed. We haven't made one deadline on time in Yearbook, and this one looks like it will be no different. I still have way too much shit to do and i've been lagging. Not to mention that colleges are watching, and scholarship opportunities are flying by at the speed of light. Can we say stress?
I knew today would be a bad day. I didn't get to finish my hot soothing chai before I got on the bus, I forgot my keys at home, my shoes are dirty... the list goes on. I wasn't a pleasant person to be around, I know. And then first period we had to write a reflective quickwrite which was hard to do when "Sugar We're Goin Down" [Fall Out Boy] is stuck in your head. So I was listening to Sansbury-san and I finished and started pretending to read "The Iliad" [reuse translation] and ended up staring into space. Then Deems told me to put Sansbury away and I did but then I started getting a headache and the tears started. Fucking tears. Fuck you tears. I managed to contain them after awhile, while managing not to draw attention to myself [i sit right in front of him, seriously] and class was 2 minutes from being over when I was standing at the door, and then Deems said he wanted to talk to me and I was like 'FUCK'. and after everyone left he was askign me what was going on, apparently i've been knitting too much in class, listening to music, staring off in space, yadda yadda. and the tears were begging to fall once more, but I wouldn't let them. He was demanding an explanation, I wrote it off as 'just stress' and he said he wants to talk about it and i left for Calculus. And I would liek to take this opportunity to say you don't walk into Calculus upset. You can leave upset every day of the year, but nothing good will happen if you walk in upset. And on the walk I saw Justin [oh he's just adorable and sweet] and he was asking me what's wrong. The tears, the fucking tears wouldn't stop for at least 10 minutes into Calculus. All I could think was that I needed someone. someone to hold me and maybe kiss my cheek and tell me it would be fine, that I was stressing over nothing, and that I could handle this, because I'm Tracie. And i'll win. I don't really believe that, but sometimes I don't mind being lied to. And all those thoughts were in vain because I couldn't get that from the person I want it from most. Brittany's not gonna kiss away my tears, and force it out of me when she knows something's wrong. And I don't know what to do about that. But it did make me cry some more, in Art class. However, that was the last class that I cried in, thank God. I hate being such a wreck.
Lunch was unsuccessful, as I had known it would be. But let's not get into that. Immediately following lunch, I went upstairs and joined the circle of people, Louis, [daniel] Sorto, Thomas, and 2 guys whose names I don't know, outside of Duffy's class. And as soon as I walked up, Louis gave an exaggerated groan and was like "who said Tracie could join the circle?"
Me: {touches heart} I thought it was an unspoken rule that I'm invited.
Louis: No, it's not. Cuz we don't like you. Well, these guys might, but I don't.
Other guy: Sorto, do you?
Sorto: {looks between me and Louis} ...no.
Louis: Good job Daniel {high fives}
Me: Oh. ok. {backs away, looking lonely}
Louis: {watches} ooh, now she's looking angry and lonely. Yes!
I wasn't really angry; my eyes were hurting from all the fucking crying. But yea, we had another sub, and we watched another video, and he and I were talking the whole class. So much for not liking me, haha. I imagine I give myself away... I can't look at his face when he's looking at me. He either thinks I'm fidgety or knows I like him. I'm not sure I care which.
The point is that talking with Louis cheered me up. I felt better after 5th, I was actually smiling in Yearbook... and I wish it hadn't happened that way. I wish that I had no plans for lunch, so that I could drag Brittany aside, tell her what was wrong, and feel better after that. Louis... that's not his job. I don't want it to be this way.
Valentine's Day was yesterday. The day never really mattered to me before, and it didn't to Brittany either. But this year, she decided to just do it. She bought me a candy apple, a new LP wallet, and some pocky [the $3.99 kind]. She is such a sweetheart.
If I've contradicted myself, it's because I'm not even sure how I feel.
anythign else? uhm, entry with the music in the near future. in the meanwhile, do me a favor?