while i was driving today, i noticed that the mountains in the distance were a deep blue. i suppose they always look that way, or just on cloudy days, but i never noticed it before
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dont know, i mean the poets have always said that nature is the savior of mankind, that she cleanses, that she can give rebirth, perhaps even heal. and never ceases to arouse wonder. we know that, but we still forget. but time and time again on simple walks or just, i dont know, when im taking photos of the trees/skies/lands around me or even just of a bug or a leaf or the way a bunch of berries is hanging off the twigs of a bush...it doesn't matter if its big or small, the only way to describe that surge i feel is happiness. even in college, when i walk between classes, it's often what keeps me sane. i can't keep from smiling sometimes when the greens and the sun are just that perfect. i think we knew this as a toddler and as children. i dont think we need sadness to know it but to appreciate it. i dont know, you're far wiser than i am and it's not like i can impress you so you be the judge. but personally, i yearn for depth because it's all i have. if i can't do anything, at least i want to understand. i want to know how things work, above all i need to make peace with what goes on in the world, at least in my mind. so that's all i do. i think. i guesss it's bad sometimes because when im feeling more than discouraged i can't do anything in terms of actions, i feel powerless, bound. i don't need justification for my existence, but i need it for my future. i can't make decisions just based on being, i need to know that it's okay. i always need to be reassured, i don't know if i'm supposed to grow out of it. how can you not take your life for granted? you're given what you're given. apathy. i don't know...i mean i of all people rant and rave at people to change because i DON'T take things for granted...but i guess in the end i do believe in a type of fate. how else do i justify things that have happened? how else do i let go? how do i move on? i mean without religion, i really don't have much to hold to except a more existentialist self, but im not capable of doing that either. i honestly don't know if i would rather be content all the time, like a child in a field of daisies, or if i would rather have suffered and known happiness again. i don't suppose i'll get the chance to taste the difference. but sorrow can also...permanently reduce the level of happiness we feel as well. sorrow sometimes is never lifted. i know im too young young now to think that i'll have a cloud over me for the rest of my life, but life's short and people don't always get over things or even mature before they die unexpectedly. doesn't that suck? if i had one wish in the world it would be to understand the way things work before i die. i can't die young, i'd be so angry, haha. i can't die without having been the most perfect i could have been. wise or whatever. wisdom comes with age, in chinese culture at least haha. here in america old seniors seem like the enemy. um, im tired. haha. sorry ben. goodnight
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paragraphs, gene. paragraphs.
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