Taking it back.
Hey all.
My now deleted last post scared alot of people. And for good reason. I'd written it the throes of a full on nervous breakdown. Since then I've been forced to re-evaluate just about every aspect of my life. The truth is, I haven't been okay for a long time now. My depression over the last few months has gotten worse and worse. Being in a relationship has always been my coping mechanism for allowing me to put my own shit on the back burner and throwing myself into the life of someone else. Well, that's not going to work for me anymore. I'm sick of being sad all the time and I'm sick of not knowing who my friends are going to get any given day: A misanthropic whiner or someone who seems like Robin Williams on meth. The truth is, neither of these are really Me. I haven't been Ben for a very long time. Therefore, it stands to me to fix the situation rather than let the course of events that I'm on continue and, more than likely, lead to another stint in the hospital on a suicide watch.
With that in mind I hereby unveil The Agenda. What follows are goals I've set for myself to get me where I want to be and dates for their completion. I'm asking you, my friends, to help me out here as I know damned well that if left to my own devices, I could very well backslide.
The Agenda:
1. Driver's License by March 5th. This one is well on it's way to being met due to the efforts of Dan and my brother. I need a bit more practice though so if we're hanging out, just driving around anyway, let me take the wheel. I promise I won't destroy your vehicle. ;)
2. Save money. This one is vital. I'm terrible with money and a compulsive spender in the extreme. You can help by telling me No if we're out shopping and I have something in my hand that I don't Need. Unless I can give you a logical explanation why I need it or have obviously budgeted it, just remind me that I'm about to spend money better spent on a car or rent for a new place.
3. Quit smoking by May. It's about 40 bucks a week I could be spending on something else and, while it does relax me some, it's nothing I need to get by. This means either spending money on the patch or talking to my doctor about medications to help me stop. Cold turkey just isn't going to work here though I will be giving it a shot regardless. What you can do to help is if I ask you for a smoke, don't give me one.
4. Stop eating crap. My diet is pure shit and I know that it's one of the contributing factors to my mental state. You are what you eat and if all I'm eating is Wendy's and pizza, then I'm going to really not want to do anything. This means if I'm out with you at a restraunt and I'm about to order the double cheeseburger with a hockey puck of deep fried cheese, kindly remind me that I always get sick when I binge on that shit and should probably keep it to a wrap or medium sandwich or something.
5. Lose 50 pounds by mid fall. See above. I eat crap and always feel ill afterwards. I'm also a soda and energy drink junkie. Honestly, an hour of excersize each day and keeping my diet in check and this shouldn't really be too hard to do. When I was on the Atkin's diet a few years back I lost about 25 pounds in about 7 weeks. Not the healthiest way to do it, but you see my point. No more buffets, no more ordering large pizza's to just feed myself, no more fried foods. Water and tea will probably be my new drinks of choice. Another thing my pals can do to help me out is to keep me at three drinks when I go out. It's enough to get a buzz going without getting drunk and making an ass out of myself. It'll also save me a boatload of empty calories.
6. Register for summer classes. I really want to get back to school even if it's just as a part time student. Foreign languages have always been a huge interest for me as is radio. Both could stand to make me alot more money than I make now and I think an interpreter or working in radio would be vastly more fulfilling than sales. I've got a personality that would excel in either arena.
7. Health insurance and a steady therapist by March 10th. This one is close to being complete as I'll be set with Masshealth in about 2 weeks. After that, it's just finding a therapist and medication program that works for me. I've got a chemical imbalance. I need to accept that without these things I'll probably never get better. I just don't have that thing that allows most people to just put their shit aside and deal. After my last hospitalization, I was doing very, very well with celexa and getting to sit down with someone once a week and just unload. I've also started to keep a stream of consciousness diary and this has helped my moods tremendously.
8. Beat hard mode on Guitar Hero 3 by March 1st. Alright, this probably won't make me a better person but I've only got two songs left to go and I know I'll feel like a rock god if I can pull it off. ;)
That's about it guys. If you can think of any more, please let me know and I'll take them into consideration. You've all been so supportive over the last month of my craziness and I owe you all a debt I can't ever repay. All I'm asking is for just a little bit more help in helping me get back on my feet. Thank you all.
Mentally Yours,
Rev. Benjamin Powers
My now deleted last post scared alot of people. And for good reason. I'd written it the throes of a full on nervous breakdown. Since then I've been forced to re-evaluate just about every aspect of my life. The truth is, I haven't been okay for a long time now. My depression over the last few months has gotten worse and worse. Being in a relationship has always been my coping mechanism for allowing me to put my own shit on the back burner and throwing myself into the life of someone else. Well, that's not going to work for me anymore. I'm sick of being sad all the time and I'm sick of not knowing who my friends are going to get any given day: A misanthropic whiner or someone who seems like Robin Williams on meth. The truth is, neither of these are really Me. I haven't been Ben for a very long time. Therefore, it stands to me to fix the situation rather than let the course of events that I'm on continue and, more than likely, lead to another stint in the hospital on a suicide watch.
With that in mind I hereby unveil The Agenda. What follows are goals I've set for myself to get me where I want to be and dates for their completion. I'm asking you, my friends, to help me out here as I know damned well that if left to my own devices, I could very well backslide.
The Agenda:
1. Driver's License by March 5th. This one is well on it's way to being met due to the efforts of Dan and my brother. I need a bit more practice though so if we're hanging out, just driving around anyway, let me take the wheel. I promise I won't destroy your vehicle. ;)
2. Save money. This one is vital. I'm terrible with money and a compulsive spender in the extreme. You can help by telling me No if we're out shopping and I have something in my hand that I don't Need. Unless I can give you a logical explanation why I need it or have obviously budgeted it, just remind me that I'm about to spend money better spent on a car or rent for a new place.
3. Quit smoking by May. It's about 40 bucks a week I could be spending on something else and, while it does relax me some, it's nothing I need to get by. This means either spending money on the patch or talking to my doctor about medications to help me stop. Cold turkey just isn't going to work here though I will be giving it a shot regardless. What you can do to help is if I ask you for a smoke, don't give me one.
4. Stop eating crap. My diet is pure shit and I know that it's one of the contributing factors to my mental state. You are what you eat and if all I'm eating is Wendy's and pizza, then I'm going to really not want to do anything. This means if I'm out with you at a restraunt and I'm about to order the double cheeseburger with a hockey puck of deep fried cheese, kindly remind me that I always get sick when I binge on that shit and should probably keep it to a wrap or medium sandwich or something.
5. Lose 50 pounds by mid fall. See above. I eat crap and always feel ill afterwards. I'm also a soda and energy drink junkie. Honestly, an hour of excersize each day and keeping my diet in check and this shouldn't really be too hard to do. When I was on the Atkin's diet a few years back I lost about 25 pounds in about 7 weeks. Not the healthiest way to do it, but you see my point. No more buffets, no more ordering large pizza's to just feed myself, no more fried foods. Water and tea will probably be my new drinks of choice. Another thing my pals can do to help me out is to keep me at three drinks when I go out. It's enough to get a buzz going without getting drunk and making an ass out of myself. It'll also save me a boatload of empty calories.
6. Register for summer classes. I really want to get back to school even if it's just as a part time student. Foreign languages have always been a huge interest for me as is radio. Both could stand to make me alot more money than I make now and I think an interpreter or working in radio would be vastly more fulfilling than sales. I've got a personality that would excel in either arena.
7. Health insurance and a steady therapist by March 10th. This one is close to being complete as I'll be set with Masshealth in about 2 weeks. After that, it's just finding a therapist and medication program that works for me. I've got a chemical imbalance. I need to accept that without these things I'll probably never get better. I just don't have that thing that allows most people to just put their shit aside and deal. After my last hospitalization, I was doing very, very well with celexa and getting to sit down with someone once a week and just unload. I've also started to keep a stream of consciousness diary and this has helped my moods tremendously.
8. Beat hard mode on Guitar Hero 3 by March 1st. Alright, this probably won't make me a better person but I've only got two songs left to go and I know I'll feel like a rock god if I can pull it off. ;)
That's about it guys. If you can think of any more, please let me know and I'll take them into consideration. You've all been so supportive over the last month of my craziness and I owe you all a debt I can't ever repay. All I'm asking is for just a little bit more help in helping me get back on my feet. Thank you all.
Mentally Yours,
Rev. Benjamin Powers