I believe this is where we hit the reset button...
Alright, I know the world we live on is a rather...strange place, but honestly, I think I give up. Now as many of you are aware, I collect strange news stories. Obscure, random, bizarre things that just make me happy. While every other new england resident has covered this latest piece of utterly fucked I'm posting this here for those of you who aren't in the know.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070201/ap_on_re_us/suspicious_devices
That's right...almost a million dollars spent on this. A whole city shut down. People demanding "justice". For an advertising campaign that was already in place for weeks. Ladies and gentleman, this is where I am unveiling a new concept for the world at large: Hatens. Think of it as the angry, frustrated, confused mans answer to scientologists holy microorganisms that live in all of us and control everything we do. See, whenever I see something that provokes an tpalmost simian level of instictual rage brought on by how I just can't wrap my head around how moronic a situation is, my hatens level rises. Speaking of Scientology...
http://www.thephoenix.com/article_ektid32881.aspx
Now we're all playing along, see? Can't you just feel those little guys in your blood getting all riled up at the very mention of a group of the most wealthy and influential people in our country hailing the guy who couldn't even manage to make a sex scene with his former wife (in eyes wide shut) look believable as our new messiah? I know I can. But wait children, I'm not done...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070131/od_nm/stoning1_dc;_ylt=AoxS.GZ8.JpFZf2tJkoIkiftiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTA0cDJlYmhvBHNlYwM-
That's right Canada...don't think I haven't forgotten about you. There are myriad thoughts, ideas, religions and peoples on this glorious planet. Some don't share our ideas and who are we to judge them...unless it's STONING WOMEN. I would have thought that in this, the year of our lord 2007, that enough of our liberal tree hugging ideas like not bludgeoning the fairer sex with big fucking rocks would have caught on to the rest of Gaia but apparently I was mistaken. Silly me. Luckily, the canadian government had the foresight to post that warning on the official Quebecian provincial website. Thank god. I mean, because people who would do the acts described in the "not acceptable" policy would have any idea how to work a friggin' computer and visit said website in the first place. I think I need a nap...
Edit: Alright, I'm back. I've decided that I need to leave you all with something to re-inspire your faith in America and its institutions. Thusly, with your kind indulgence, I've taken the liberty of printing below the oath of the boyscouts of America in an effort to show that as long as we can reach the young, we may have hope at saving this world yet...
"On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
And to obey the scout law
To stay physically strong and mentally aware
And to refrain from crying out
When a Hot Pocket burns the roof of my mouth
I will always obey my troop leader
Though I will never look him in the eyes
Or make fun of his cape and/or scooter
If I come across a leprechaun while camping
I shall give the pot of gold to my troop leader
Unless that leprechaun grants wishes
In which case I shall wish for a complete set
Of Star Wars figures for the troop leader
Mint condition, still in their boxes
I understand that fire is a necessary part of boy scout outings
But I also realize that it is potentially harmful
I will be cautious when I burn books and artwork,
Making sure that my fireproof suit is properly secured
And that my firehose has no leaks through which kerosene may spill
If an elderly woman needs help crossing the street,
I will take her hand and help her across
I will then take her across another street
And another
Paying no mind to her protests and struggles
We will circumnavigate the globe
The only time I speak will be to lecture her
On the rudeness of imposing on others
If she dies somewhere around Cairo
(As they usually do)
I will carry her the rest of the way
To do any less would betray the point
I will stay vigilant in ridding my impure body of thetans
By showering three times a day with a brillo pad
The thetans will always be there
But I must not let them control me
I will keep my inner thighs rock hard
For the only things a scout can rely on
Are betrayal at the hands of those he trusts
And a pair of thighs that can crush a windpipe
As easily as they can open a jar of applesauce
Or flatten a grenade mere seconds before it can detonate
I will stomp the yard with pride every day,
Honoring the centuries-old tradition
I will show a great deal of respect for stomping and for the yard in all that I do,
Even when I'm laying the bed or sitting the couch
My actions reflect upon stomping as a whole at all times
And I must act accordingly
My belly is my furnace
If this machine is to carry out the troop leader's commands
I must keep it stoked at all times
To do this I promise to only stalk and devour
Those fellow scouts who display a weakness of some sort
I will travel only under the cover of night
Avoiding the One Who Rides The Boar
And his trusty greatsword Lightbringer
The shadows are my safety
And soon we shall amass an army large enough
To deal with him once and for all
If I am captured by the enemy and questioned
I will fall back upon my cyanide tooth as a last resort
After I have bitten my captors with that cyanide tooth
I will bite through the ropes binding me with my sulfuric acid tooth
Then destroy the base by biting it with my dynamite tooth
And finally bite through my normal tooth with my diamond tooth"
(Oath stolen shamelessly from Something Awful.com.)
I love you all. God Bless.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070201/ap_on_re_us/suspicious_devices
That's right...almost a million dollars spent on this. A whole city shut down. People demanding "justice". For an advertising campaign that was already in place for weeks. Ladies and gentleman, this is where I am unveiling a new concept for the world at large: Hatens. Think of it as the angry, frustrated, confused mans answer to scientologists holy microorganisms that live in all of us and control everything we do. See, whenever I see something that provokes an tpalmost simian level of instictual rage brought on by how I just can't wrap my head around how moronic a situation is, my hatens level rises. Speaking of Scientology...
http://www.thephoenix.com/article_ektid32881.aspx
Now we're all playing along, see? Can't you just feel those little guys in your blood getting all riled up at the very mention of a group of the most wealthy and influential people in our country hailing the guy who couldn't even manage to make a sex scene with his former wife (in eyes wide shut) look believable as our new messiah? I know I can. But wait children, I'm not done...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070131/od_nm/stoning1_dc;_ylt=AoxS.GZ8.JpFZf2tJkoIkiftiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTA0cDJlYmhvBHNlYwM-
That's right Canada...don't think I haven't forgotten about you. There are myriad thoughts, ideas, religions and peoples on this glorious planet. Some don't share our ideas and who are we to judge them...unless it's STONING WOMEN. I would have thought that in this, the year of our lord 2007, that enough of our liberal tree hugging ideas like not bludgeoning the fairer sex with big fucking rocks would have caught on to the rest of Gaia but apparently I was mistaken. Silly me. Luckily, the canadian government had the foresight to post that warning on the official Quebecian provincial website. Thank god. I mean, because people who would do the acts described in the "not acceptable" policy would have any idea how to work a friggin' computer and visit said website in the first place. I think I need a nap...
Edit: Alright, I'm back. I've decided that I need to leave you all with something to re-inspire your faith in America and its institutions. Thusly, with your kind indulgence, I've taken the liberty of printing below the oath of the boyscouts of America in an effort to show that as long as we can reach the young, we may have hope at saving this world yet...
"On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
And to obey the scout law
To stay physically strong and mentally aware
And to refrain from crying out
When a Hot Pocket burns the roof of my mouth
I will always obey my troop leader
Though I will never look him in the eyes
Or make fun of his cape and/or scooter
If I come across a leprechaun while camping
I shall give the pot of gold to my troop leader
Unless that leprechaun grants wishes
In which case I shall wish for a complete set
Of Star Wars figures for the troop leader
Mint condition, still in their boxes
I understand that fire is a necessary part of boy scout outings
But I also realize that it is potentially harmful
I will be cautious when I burn books and artwork,
Making sure that my fireproof suit is properly secured
And that my firehose has no leaks through which kerosene may spill
If an elderly woman needs help crossing the street,
I will take her hand and help her across
I will then take her across another street
And another
Paying no mind to her protests and struggles
We will circumnavigate the globe
The only time I speak will be to lecture her
On the rudeness of imposing on others
If she dies somewhere around Cairo
(As they usually do)
I will carry her the rest of the way
To do any less would betray the point
I will stay vigilant in ridding my impure body of thetans
By showering three times a day with a brillo pad
The thetans will always be there
But I must not let them control me
I will keep my inner thighs rock hard
For the only things a scout can rely on
Are betrayal at the hands of those he trusts
And a pair of thighs that can crush a windpipe
As easily as they can open a jar of applesauce
Or flatten a grenade mere seconds before it can detonate
I will stomp the yard with pride every day,
Honoring the centuries-old tradition
I will show a great deal of respect for stomping and for the yard in all that I do,
Even when I'm laying the bed or sitting the couch
My actions reflect upon stomping as a whole at all times
And I must act accordingly
My belly is my furnace
If this machine is to carry out the troop leader's commands
I must keep it stoked at all times
To do this I promise to only stalk and devour
Those fellow scouts who display a weakness of some sort
I will travel only under the cover of night
Avoiding the One Who Rides The Boar
And his trusty greatsword Lightbringer
The shadows are my safety
And soon we shall amass an army large enough
To deal with him once and for all
If I am captured by the enemy and questioned
I will fall back upon my cyanide tooth as a last resort
After I have bitten my captors with that cyanide tooth
I will bite through the ropes binding me with my sulfuric acid tooth
Then destroy the base by biting it with my dynamite tooth
And finally bite through my normal tooth with my diamond tooth"
(Oath stolen shamelessly from Something Awful.com.)
I love you all. God Bless.