Blended and blessed - NC-17 - Jensen/Jared - part 2
Blended and blessed - NC-17 - Jensen/Jared - part 2
Things settle and go smoothly over the next few weeks. Audrey lightens up again, becoming better with each day. She likes going back to school and eventually even becomes friends with Sophie. A few weeks ago, Jensen never thought this would be possible but now it's happening. It's always "Sophie did this…" or "Sophie said that…" Audrey talks about Sophie nonstop and Jensen's simply glad that Audrey found a new friend in her.
The bullying by the boys doesn't stop completely and sometimes Audrey still cries over it and gets sad. Jensen gives her tips on how to ignore those boys and how to shut her ears whenever they say something mean. He's sorry and feels guilty that his daughter is the one who has to bear the discrimination about his sexuality, but all he can do about it is comfort her whenever she's upset.
Sophie and Audrey spend a lot of their free time together. Whenever they can, they're at each other's home playing with their dolls and other masses of toys. Turns out they're equally spoiled.
They even start the same hobby, ballet. It's their first lesson and Jensen curses under his breath as Audrey and he nearly run late because of the heavy afternoon traffic. They make it in time though and once they enter the studio where a lot of other children and parents are already waiting for Mrs. Johnson, the teacher, Jensen is surprised to see Jared there.
Of course, Jensen knew that Sophie was going to attend the classes too, but he didn't expect Jared to come. In fact, he expected Sophie to be brought by Sandy instead. Jared gives Jensen a little wink while Audrey immediately runs over to Sophie to hug her. With a nod and a smile, Jensen acknowledges Jared.
The teacher says a few things on how the weekly lessons are planned out and after a little tour of the studio, the parents are sent outside. They're standing on the street in front of the building and just as Jensen wants to walk off in the direction of his car, a hand lands on his arm.
"Hey," Jared says and when Jensen turns to look at him, Jared smiles.
"Uh, hi," Jensen says, still surprised that Jared is actually there.
There's a moment of silence because Jensen doesn't know Jared that well and apart from the first time in the park, they never really talked. Sure, they met plenty of times when Jensen brought Audrey to Jared's so that the girls could play or vice versa, but Jensen and Jared didn't really exchange more than a few sentences.
"I- uh," Jared says, pointing to the other side of the street, "I thought about having a coffee at Starbucks. Wanna join me?"
Jared smiles broadly, such a god honest smile as if what he just said wasn't awkward at all. Jensen thinks back to not knowing Jared and not knowing what he should talk about with Jared. He's skeptical and wants to make an excuse. He's a little scared that he'll only be bored and uncomfortable, but he can't think of a valid answer fast enough. Before Jensen can even say anything, Jared drags him across the street with such enthusiasm that all of Jensen's protests are immediately refuted.
"I'll invite you," Jared says as he enters the coffee shop with Jensen. "What do you want?"
Jensen feels a little weird but Jared takes him by surprise and he's too slow to register everything and react properly. "A plain cappuccino, please, two shots of espresso," he then gives in.
Jared smiles and nods again. While he gets them the drinks, Jensen searches for a spot to sit down. He doesn't have to wait long until Jared comes over to the table with two mugs, setting them both down.
"Thanks," Jensen says.
And then he doesn't know what else to say. Jared simply keeps smiling - he seems to smile a lot. Obviously he's totally oblivious to the tension that threatens to spread. Usually, Jensen is not a shy person and he always finds a topic to talk about. But somehow, he doesn't know what it is with Jared.
"So, just how excited was Audrey about ballet? Did she get any sleep at all last night?" Jared asks, again totally unaware of any weirdness between them.
Jensen snorts and shakes his head, thinking about how hyper Audrey was about the new hobby. When he looks at Jared, Jared practically beams at him and Jensen concludes that talking about the girls is something he can do.
"Not really," he admits. "She couldn't think about anything else for the last days."
Jared nods and takes a sip from his coffee. "Same here. Ballet was all that was on Sophie's mind."
Jared smiles when he says that. There's something gentle and loving in his eyes when he mentions his daughter.
"I didn't expect you to come," Jensen confesses as the stirs his coffee. He hopes he doesn't sound accusing because really, that's not what he means. What he means is that he's pleasantly surprised to see that Jared made it.
"Yeah," Jared says. He simply keeps smiling and thankfully, he doesn't look as if he were offended. "I took the day off, actually. I had a heavy discussion with my boss because he said I just couldn't miss a day during the week, but I suppose I complained enough times to him and eventually he gave in."
Jared laughs and his eyes sparkle for a moment. They only meet Jensen's briefly and then he looks down on the table, drawing an invisible pattern onto it. When Jensen looks at Jared, he sees that Jared glances at him quickly from underneath his lashes and that suddenly he blushes a little.
"This is important to Sophie," Jared says, looking up and directly at Jensen again. "And that's why it's important to me, too. I didn't want to miss this moment in her life, not when it means so much to her. You know?"
Jensen wants to argue that it's only one lesson out of many and that there's always the next to attend when he realizes in half-shock-half-surprise that Jared is currently showing the kind of attitude Jensen accused him of lacking in the past. Jared is right; this is not only one lesson.
This time it's Jensen's turn to smile because maybe he needs to revise the picture of Jared as a parent that he has and maybe Jared deserves a second chance for judgment. "So, you said there was complaining involved?" Jensen grins.
"Whining, actually," Jared laughs. When he does, the smile reaches his eyes once more and the skin around his eyes crinkles. But then, all of a sudden, Jared becomes serious. "No, really, he wasn't happy about it. We're chronically understaffed and getting some time off is always a bit of a struggle. That's the only thing I hate about being a paramedic. Never having as much time for Sophie as I want to."
Jensen takes another drink from his coffee and then he looks at Jared again. There's still a serious expression on his face, it's almost as if he was a little sad. "Did you ever think about quitting?" Jensen asks, honestly curious.
Jared smiles weakly as if he expected the question or as if it was one he has to answer frequently. He nods and then he says, "Yeah, more than once. Believe me, this is my great inner conflict."
He pauses, sipping his coffee and then he fidgets a little in his seat. He doesn't look uncomfortable but rather more as if he were searching for a good way to express his thoughts. "Of course, on the one hand I love what I do and I want to help people, but on the other hand, I want to be there for my daughter. I actually want to see her grow up and not have others tell me about it. I want to witness it myself as she grows both physically and as a person."
The smile on Jared's face is back as he talks about Sophie and how he wants to be there for her. Jensen can relate because it's the same with Audrey and him. Even though it's nice to let Chris look after her every once in a while, Jensen wants to spend as much time with his daughter as possible. Before Audrey's arrival, Tom and he deliberately made a pro-child decision and that's something Jensen never regretted, even though it meant losing Tom.
Jensen is still somewhat in thought, when Jared's expression once more changes to serious. Jared takes a few deep breaths as if what he'll say next is going to be particularly hard.
"See, when my wife passed the paramedics arrived too late at the scene," Jared trails off, gazing out of the window for a moment that seems like eternity to Jensen. He's intrigued about Jared's background story but he doesn't think it's in his right to ask about it. There's something about Jared that Jensen finds interesting, realizing that maybe Jared is not as boring as Jensen put him down as.
"You know, maybe, if they had been there sooner, Lisa would be still alive today." Jared takes another moment before he goes on. Jensen can feel a lump in his own throat even though he doesn't look into Jared eyes. As the minutes pass, Jensen can relate to Jared and his motives to become a paramedic more and more.
Jared's posture is stiff and when he turns back to Jensen, there's a look of determination on his face. "I want to spare other people of having to go through losing someone they love like Sophie and I did. I don't want husbands to lose their wives or children to lose their mommies or daddies. I want to save people."
There's a lot of passion in Jared's voice when he says this, giving Jensen the impression that Jared lives for what he does. He decides to remain quiet for now because he thinks that there's more Jared wants to say. Jared smiles at him briefly, suddenly a little sad and shy.
"But then there's Sophie, my own daughter and she's my everything. Sometimes, I feel like an ass because I don't spend as much time with her as she deserves." Jensen thinks that Jared's expression is best described as guilty. Jared's gaze lands on the table once more as if he didn't want to see Jensen judge him. But this time, Jensen's not judging at all, not until he's heard all of it.
"So far, things are working out. I mean, once I get back home, it's our time. Sophie and Jared time," Jared beams. "I guess I got used to the fact that the only time that I have to myself these days is when Sophie's asleep. But I don't mind. I love both my daughter and my job and as long as I can have both, I'm not quitting my job."
"I see," Jensen then says. Maybe his opinion about Jared already changed a bit. Maybe this opinion needs to be revised. The passion with which Jared speaks about his job and family is admirable, even though he might not be perfect at executing his duties as a parent or even though he might not be very good at balancing work and his daughter. But at least he seems to try, this Jensen has to give him. He finishes his cup of coffee and as he sets his mug down, he sees Jared watching him.
"So, what's it like working as a paramedic? I'm sure there's more to it than long hours, a lot of stress and pressure," he asks curiously. Of course, Jensen's got a vague idea of what it means to work as a paramedic and he's not really looking for the stuff he could simply search in the internet. No, he's looking for first-hand experience. Jared's motivation and not a standard job description.
Jared gives a quick laugh and then he says, "Oh, definitely. As I said, the hours are shit and it's not easy, but it's also a very rewarding job. I can help people. People who urgently need help. It's a very exciting job. Every day is different, you know. I get to meet new people each day. I guess I'm not the type to sit in an office. I need to be outside, I need to be moving."
Jared fidgets a little excitedly as if his subconscious was trying to reinforce Jared's statement about always being active. It turns out that once Jared starts talking about his job, he doesn't stop that easily.
"People are usually very grateful when you help them and it's just very rewarding if they thank you," Jared beams. "A few weeks back, we were called to a car crash with three cars involved. It was pretty nasty but because of the emergency teams' quick interventions, everyone survived. It simply feels great to know that someone out there is still alive because you did the right thing."
Jensen definitely can relate to the office comment. Part of why he wanted to become an actor was that he didn't want to end up in boring routines. He enjoys that his job has so many different faces. Jared comes off as a very lively guy, someone who always needs something to do, someone who always needs to have his mind occupied and Jensen thinks that maybe paramedic is a good career choice for Jared.
Jared also seems like an honest, emotional guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. Jensen is not quite sure yet how that works with being a paramedic because of course, you can't save everyone. You can try, but sometimes it's inevitable that you see someone die. He wonders how Jared copes with the confrontation with death. In the end, Jensen goes for it and asks Jared.
Jared takes a moment to answer. His face becomes serious and then he says, "Yeah, of course this is an issue. Sometimes people are meant to die and there's nothing you can do about that. You can try real hard, but you won't always succeed."
He rubs his chin, thinking and probably evaluating his answer. "I guess this is why I try to balance it out with my family. I mean, Sophie's so full of energy and it's just good to see that there's life right in front of me. She's like a little whirlwind and she helps me take my mind off things."
There's a moment of silence during which Jared simply smiles. Then he asks, "You want another?" pointing to Jensen's empty mug.
Jensen laughs and then he says mischievously, "I'm not going to die of heartburn?"
Jared snorts and adds with a wink, "I think a fit guy like you should be safe. Besides, you're with a paramedic. It hardly gets better than that."
"All right then," Jensen finally agrees, not missing the sparkle in Jared's eyes. Before Jared can even get up, Jensen comes to a stand and insists that he's paying this time.
After a short while he returns to their table with two fresh coffees. They sip their drinks in silence when Jensen concludes that maybe Jared isn't as boring as he thought. Maybe, it was not a mistake to have a coffee with Jared.
The conversation shifts back to the girls and the latest happenings at school. Jensen's surprised at how well-informed Jared seems. There's a play coming up and both Sophie and Audrey managed to get roles in it. Audrey will play a butterfly, just like Sophie.
When they talk about the play, Jensen is once more surprised by Jared as he admits that he knows all of Sophie's lines because he took the time to help her study them. Jared grins broadly and then he gives Jensen a short sample, including mimics and gestures of what Jensen believes is supposed to come across as a butterfly.
By the time Jared is done, Jensen is laughing tears at Jared's dorky interpretation. The people around them already look at them slightly funny but Jensen can't stop snickering. Jared making faces at him and flailing his arms certainly doesn't help either.
"Stop it," Jensen half laughs, half hisses under his breath. His stomach already hurts.
Jared grins and winks at him as if he were totally innocent. But all of a sudden, Jared's expression becomes serious and at first Jensen fears that something was wrong. Then, Jared laughs again and points at the clock at the wall, "Shit, we totally forgot the time."
When Jensen looks around, he sees that they're already about 20 minutes late to pick up the girls.
"Fuck," Jensen says, trying not to laugh himself. "We better hurry up our asses. I know for sure that Audrey's not gonna be happy."
Jared mumbles something about Sophie just being like that and together they rush out of Starbucks, across the street and into the studio. As soon as they reach the little hall where they left their daughters, they are greeted by the sight of two pouting girls, thankfully there's no crying.
As they approach their kids, Jared nudges his shoulder against Jensen's and gives him a knowing smile. The girls whine a little about how they had to wait but as soon as they're asked how the lesson was they forget about it and start babbling happily how they love ballet and how they want to keep doing it forever and how they want to become real ballerinas.
Once they're outside again and ready to part, Jensen and Jared look at each other. Jared smiles and runs a hand through his hair.
"What d'you think? I had a lot of fun today, what about making this kind of a regular meeting?" he suggests.
Almost immediately, a grin spreads on Jensen's face. Despite his initial concerns, he had a great afternoon too and having a coffee with Jared was a lot more fun than he'd anticipated. So yeah, why not?
"Sure," Jensen agrees. "Next week, same place, same time."
After that, the weekly lesson turns into something of a routine for the two families. It's ballet each Wednesday afternoon and while the girls attend their classes, Jensen and Jared meet at the Starbucks across the street and have a coffee. Sometimes, Jensen still thinks back to how he feared the first meeting would be weird and how it was weird at first indeed. All because he feared he wouldn't know what to talk about with Jared.
He also thinks about how he was wrong and how he underestimated Jared's easy-to-get-along-with nature. When he thinks about their weekly meeting now, he thinks about how he got to know Jared better and how he enjoys their coffee klatch.
Since the girls started ballet, Jared has not missed even one appointment. Jensen is really impressed because during their regular meetings Jensen was able to gain deeper insights into Jared's job as a paramedic and the working conditions. Jared tells Jensen once how much Sophie loves ballet and her initial excitement didn't pass like it sometimes does after children start a new hobby. Jared tells him that he wouldn't be able to stand her disappointment if she missed a lesson or if he couldn't come with her.
After a while, Jensen's and Jared's meetings are no longer limited to the waiting time each Wednesday. This is another thing that changes. Jensen gets used to Jared often being at his place too. He remembers the first time he invited Jared to stay when he brought Sophie for the afternoon so that the girls could play.
Jensen still doesn't know what hit him back then but just as Jared says good-bye to Sophie and promises her to be back at six to pick her up, Jensen suggests that Jared could at least stay for a coffee. Maybe it's Jensen's need to be around an adult, to talk to someone his age, maybe he just wants to have a good laugh, his subconscious knowing that Jared's the right person for that. He doesn't know why but he insists that Jared stay. One coffee turns into several as they totally forget about time.
Now that Jensen's found out that Jared's the personification of everything he does not look for in a partner, he stops lusting after him, or so he thinks, and a tender friendship develops between them. During their regular meetings each Wednesday and all the other occasions they spend time together, Jensen's picture of Jared as a person changes greatly. For the better.
It's nice to talk to someone who is in a similar situation, being a single father with a little princess as a daughter. No matter how much Jensen loves Chris and how much he appreciates their friendship, there are simply some things Chris can't give him advice on.
It's a Thursday evening, just around dinnertime when Jensen's cell rings. He puts the spatula down, turns off the hotplate because there's nothing worse than burned fish sticks and then he goes to pick up the phone. He smiles when he sees that it's Jared but as soon as he hears how panicked Jared sounds, the smile on Jensen's face freezes.
"Jensen!" Jared says, out of breath. "What am I gonna do? I- oh, God."
Jensen's grip on his phone tightens, immediately fearing that something has happened. "Calm down, man," Jensen says. "What's wrong?"
Jared breathes heavily on the other end of the line and the unease in Jensen's stomach doesn't settle. He wants to urge Jared to fill him in but Jared's faster than that.
"It's Sophie. Oh God, I gotta be at work in 30 minutes and fuck, I totally forgot that Sandy's out of town tonight for a friend's wedding and now I don't know what to do! I can't leave Sophie alone but I can't take her to work either. What do I do?"
There's so much panic in Jared's voice and somehow the image of Jared flailing in his kitchen like a headless chicken comes to Jensen's mind. He can't help but burst out laughing despite the fact that the situation is probably very serious to Jared. The poor guy sounds stressed. But when Jared tells him that the only problem is that he doesn't have a babysitter for the evening and not something worse like Jensen feared, Jensen can't hold himself back.
"Chill, Jared," Jensen laughs into the phone, which earns him a heavy snort from Jared. "Relax, okay?" Jensen says then. He doesn't even think about it properly, but it's out so spontaneously, his mouth working faster than his brain. "Why don't you bring her over? I can look after her when all you need is a babysitter for the evening."
Jared doesn't answer immediately but his breathing becomes slower and that's a good sign. "Are you sure?" he then asks tentatively.
"Yeah, absolutely. I mean, she could even stay for a sleepover if you don't mind. Audrey loves having Sophie around and I don't have anything planned for the evening. It's no problem at all," Jensen says.
And then he can almost hear Jared grin through the phone. "Oh, thank God. You're my savior."
Jared laughs carefreely, the relief so apparent in his voice. "I gotta run and get ready. I'll bring Sophie over in a few."
After Jared hangs up, Jensen smiles at the cell in his hand. For a moment he wonders when exactly Jared and he became close enough friends that he offers to look after Jared's daughter without so much as a second thought. He doesn't dwell on it though as he calls out for Audrey to give her the happy news of Sophie staying with them.
After that, when Jared is on call, he brings Sophie to Jensen's for a sleepover. Other times, when Jensen is busy with a play at his theater and there are performances to attend in the evening, he's glad that he can bring Audrey to Jared's, who'll return the favor of looking after her.
Jensen and Jared don't talk only about the girls. After a while, they find a lot of other topics and things they apparently have in common. They're both from Texas, they both like football and basketball (though they like different teams), they like similar music, books and movies.
As the weeks pass, their topics shift from Texas to jobs and eventually to past relationships. Jensen learns more about what being a paramedic means and his idea about Jared changes slightly. He's no longer surprised that Jared's single when he sometimes works up to 50 hours a week. By the time Jared comes home in the evenings, he's so exhausted that he only wants to spend time with his daughter and his dogs, no thoughts of going out and meeting women on his mind. Jensen tries to convince him more than once that they go to a bar for a beer and that they'll leave the girls with either Sandy or Chris, but each time, Jared says no and suggests drinking a beer at home instead.
Thinking back to what kind of father Jensen first thought him to be, his picture has changed a lot. Sometimes Jensen is pretty surprised how Jared manages it all that well. He learns that Sophie is Jared's everything and he finds it endearing how passionate Jared is about being a dad and how he's willing to dedicate each free minute to his daughter.
Especially during the weekends, Jared tries to make it up to her for the lack of time during the week. Jensen finds out that Jared takes her to the movies, theme parks or any other free time activities suitable for children as often as he can - though Jensen suspects that Jared partly also does this because he's crazy about cotton candy himself. But Sophie doesn't seem to mind as long as the weekends are daddy time.
One weekend, Jared invites Jensen and Audrey along to go roller skating and both Jensen and Jared make fools of themselves. At least the ballet lessons are paying off as the girls are a lot more graceful than their daddies on the skates. Jared looks a bit ridiculous, towering over the mass of children and as they go in circles, he clings to Jensen and stays right next to him whenever he can. Both of them wobbly on their feet, they try to stay as close to the side of the track as possible and the few times they actually take the courage to skate a little toward the middle it goes horribly wrong. Each time Jared goes down, he pulls Jensen with him. And vice versa. The girls have a blast and Jared radiates such energy all day, keeping the girls entertained that Jensen doesn't even know what to say.
He wonders whether he maybe did Jared wrong, not only as a person but also as a parent. A lot.
It's another one of these babysitting days. Jared has to work and Sophie stays at Jensen's. It's Friday and it's already the second time this week that he's looking after both girls, but Jensen doesn't mind staying at home with them at all. He cooks spaghetti and after watching a movie with them, he puts Audrey and Sophie to bed.
It's already past ten when Jared finally turns up. Jensen opens the door and Jared looks so exhausted that Jensen fears he'll fall asleep any minute. Leaning against the doorframe, Jared smiles tiredly and says, "I brought beer."
He holds up a six-pack of Budweiser and Jensen laughs and insists he come inside and sit down on the sofa.
"Sorry for being so late," Jared calls from the living room as Jensen puts the beer into the fridge and grabs each a cool one.
"No problem, Jared," Jensen says, handing Jared a bottle.
Jared smiles and takes it. As Jensen sits down next to him, he watches Jared run a hand over his face. He yawns loudly and as soon as he realizes Jensen's watching him, he snorts and quickly covers his mouth with his hand.
"We were called to an emergency just as I was leaving. An explosion at a chemical plant. I was already in my jacket but I had to go and help," Jared says. "I should have called and let you know that I'd be held up. I'm sorry, man."
Jared looks guilty and almost automatically Jensen places a hand on Jared's thigh and squeezes it quickly. "Jared, leave it already, okay?"
Jared yawns again and nods eventually. He then asks about the girls and whether Sophie has been good. Jensen fills him in on the day with Sophie and Audrey, how they did their homework together, what they ate, which movie they watched and how they went to bed without making a fuss. A gentle smile spreads across Jared's face as soon as Jensen starts talking about them and he wants to hear all the details. Jared beams proudly when Jensen reassures him that Sophie was a very good girl and no, that Jensen doesn't mind looking after her at all.
Jensen is surprised when Jared gets up and says that he'll go wake up Sophie to take her home. She wasn't supposed to sleep over tonight but after Jared hadn't shown up by the girls' usual bedtime, Jensen decided to put them both to bed. Before Jared even stands properly, Jensen grabs his arm and shakes his head. When Jared gives him a confused look, Jensen suggests that Jared let her sleep and that they stay for the night. Jared argues that they really should go home but Jensen doesn't budge one bit. He tells Jared that he doesn't think Jared's capable of driving anymore anyway and that he should simply let Sophie sleep through the night. Eventually Jared gives in and lets Jensen pull him down and back onto the sofa again. He even agrees to have a second Budweiser.
While Jensen gets them more beer, Jared goes upstairs to check up on the girls. As soon as they've sat down in the living room again, Jensen prompts Jared to tell him about his day and the things that happened at work. Over the weeks, Jensen found himself interested in Jared's job because it's so very different from his own. And he really likes listening to Jared and all those stories from the life of a paramedic. Turns out that Jared is a great storyteller.
Jared says that it had been a relatively slow day and not much happened until the moment Jared wanted to leave. He speaks a bit about the last big incident and the things he saw. Jensen is once more in absolute awe about the passion with which Jared does his job.
They then fall into a comfortable silence, simply nursing at their drinks next to each other. There's a re-run of an old Western movie on TV that they both like a lot, so the decision what to watch is made quickly. By the time the film finishes, they've had even more beer and Jensen is already a little tipsy. He didn't drink anything all week and he certainly shouldn't have had the last one or the one before that.
"Lisa hated these movies," Jared says out of the blue.
Jensen's totally perplexed and shocked; all he can do is snort. Of course, he knows about Jared's late wife and what happened to her but Jared never really brought her up and Jensen never asked. One thing he definitely can say is that he didn't think she'd turn up like this.
When Jensen looks to the side and watches Jared out of the corner of his eyes, he sees that Jared's cheeks are pink from the booze. Jared bites his lip and Jensen simply continues watching him for another while, not trusting his voice to say anything.
What can he say anyway?
The silence between them threatens to become awkward just as Jared goes on all by himself. Jensen doesn't know what he expected him to say but what Jared does say is most probably not this.
"Sometimes I feel like a fool," Jared confesses. "I mean, you know, sometimes I really think that I- that Sophie deserves a mommy and- and I'm just too stupid to find her one." Jared lowers his gaze as he removes imaginary dirt from underneath his fingernails.
Jensen thinks for a few moments, not sure whether he should say what's on his mind or not. He's become friends with Jared but he doesn't know whether he might not be pushing things too far. In the end, Jensen goes for it and says, "But you don't even try, dude. I mean, you still think you were cheating on Lisa."
Jared looks at him then. His expression is something between pained, confused and that face you make when you know exactly that the other person is right but you don't want to admit it. Jared's eyes are wide and glassy and Jensen sees that he's definitely tipsy too. The room is spinning a little around Jensen and he tries hard to concentrate because in his guts, he's got the feeling that Jared wants to talk about this.
A few more moments of silence pass and then Jared whispers, "Yeah, I guess."
"What keeps you from trying? Jared, I hate to say it but you being celibate won't bring her back." Maybe Jensen should feel bad for being so blunt about it but the alcohol takes its toll on him now and he doesn't really manage sugarcoating anymore.
Ever since Jared told him in the park a few weeks ago about how he hadn't been with anyone since Lisa passed, Jensen wondered about this one thing. He never dared ask Jared about it but since they're doing the relationship talk now anyway and both he and Jared had enough to drink to make their heads light, Jensen goes for it. "Man, don't you have needs?"
"Needs?" Jared asks confused. It's equally sad and cute.
"Yeah, like… adult needs," Jensen says, licking his lips. "We're not talking about finding a woman to marry immediately but maybe just having a bit of sex and having a steady partner. It does wonders, believe me."
Immediately, Jared blushes even more. If his cheeks had been pink before, his whole face and throat are crimson now. Jared's eyes spring wide open for a split second and then he quickly avoids Jensen's gaze. Jared looks down on his fingernails again and squirms in his seat a little.
"Uh, I- I feel really stupid but- but I guess I'm, well, I'm just not very experienced," Jared confesses, keeping his voice low. "I was never one of those guys who dated a lot in High School and- and then I met Lisa and she was all I wanted, all I needed."
Jared pauses again and Jensen has a pretty clear idea of what Jared's going to say next. The thought does funny things to his stomach and if Jared is going to say what Jensen thinks, then it simply confirms the picture Jensen has of Jared.
"So, Lisa was the- the only person I ever had sex with. And now I- I guess I don't even know how to do this anymore. It's been five years. I- I guess I'm a bit scared."
Jared looks extremely embarrassed. He's still blushing badly and avoiding Jensen's eyes. He doesn't immediately answer because even though this is what Jensen thought, he doesn't know what to say.
Jensen is probably the exact opposite of Jared and their sexualities couldn't be any more different. But, the thing is that even though Jensen can't relate, can't relate at all why someone would not want to have a little fun every once in a while, he believes that he somehow can understand. And respect Jared.
"Jared, making out and having sex are not things you forget over the years. Believe me," Jensen assures him with a smile. "Once you get to the point, you'll find your mojo immediately. Sex is something to be excited about, not scared of. You'll be a lot more relaxed if you get laid once in a while."
Jared doesn't say anything for a while, obviously still very embarrassed. So Jensen places a hand on his thigh again and squeezes it softly. Eventually, Jared looks at him from underneath his lashes and smiles shyly at Jensen.
"What about you?" Jared asks, changing the subject without going into Jensen's earlier statement. "You said something about a long-term relationship ending, but have you been with anybody else ever since?"
Jensen is silent, weighing up what to tell Jared. He usually wouldn't mention Tom to Jared but he's a little tipsy and so is Jared. Jensen doesn't even realize how Jared gets them a fresh beer from the fridge each and only when he sets it down in front of Jensen and asks again, "So?" Jensen decides to share Tom's and his story with Jared.
"I guess, after my boyfriend and I broke up, I never really took an interest in dating," Jensen admits hesitantly.
He hopes that this will be answer enough for Jared but he should have known better. Jared studies him for a few moments, no longer blushing now that the focus of the conversation has shifted away from him and his sexual inexperience. Then Jared says, "But why? I mean, what happened that was so bad that you'd lose the interest in dating?"
Jensen sighs and even though he doesn't really like to talk about Tom and their relationship, his mouth works faster than his brain. The alcohol definitely has a share in this. For once, Jensen ignores that he has issues.
"Tom, my boyfriend, left me from one day to the other," Jensen confesses. His voice sounds small even to his own ears. "I- I thought we were happy. I mean, I knew that we had a few problems but doesn't every couple have rough moments?"
Jared doesn't say anything and Jensen doesn't turn over to look at him. He knows that there must be pain showing in his eyes. There's always pain when he thinks about Tom, even after all those years. Jared squeezes his thigh and it's such a simple gesture, yet Jensen takes some strange kind of comfort in it.
"When we had Audrey, our lives were turned upside down," Jensen goes on. "Even though we tried to follow the pregnancy as much as possible to be prepared for Audrey's arrival, I suppose it was still too much of a change."
Finally, Jensen has the courage again to look at Jared. What he sees is Jared watching him with glassy but still attentive eyes. "Yeah, I can relate," he says. "Nothing was like before anymore once we had Sophie."
There it is again, that loving smile that's always on Jared's face whenever he talks about his daughter, his everything.
"You know, Audrey needed a lot of attention in the early months. She was a premature birth and at first we weren't even sure whether she'd make it. We spent a lot of time at the hospital and then at the doctors'. She's strong and she fought and you know, she's fine now, but back then, Tom and I totally forgot that there's also us," Jensen admits. "We were so caught up in our daughter and her problematic health, that we totally forgot that to exist as a couple, you also have to work for it."
Jensen waits for whether Jared wants to say anything but when Jared doesn't and only nods his agreement, he continues, "Audrey was about six months old when Tom packed his bags and left. He came home from work one evening and just walked out the door on us."
"I'm sorry, man," Jared says and gives Jensen's thigh another squeeze. Jensen hadn't even realized that Jared's hand had been on his leg all the time. Not that he minds much. As they developed this tender friendship, one of the things that changed is that Jared's in Jensen's personal space quite often. Jensen doesn't even notice it anymore.
Moving his attention back to Jared, Jensen wonders what's so different about him that Jensen feels so comfortable to openly talk about his failed relationship with Tom. Usually Jensen is not such an open book when it comes to this and the only other person he ever spoke to about it is Chris. Of course, the alcohol is partly to blame but there's definitely something about Jared and the way Jensen can interact so easily with him. Maybe the confession he just made is something he'll regret in the morning because talking about Tom makes him feel vulnerable most of the times, but now that it's out, he feels incredibly light and relieved.
"It's okay, I guess," Jensen sighs before he reaches for his fresh Budweiser and takes a few drinks of the cold beer. "We learned how to cope and Audrey and I are fine now. We have each other and whenever I got needs, I'll take care of them."
There's a flicker of something on Jared's face; it's only there for a split second and Jensen even wonders whether his foggy mind played a trick on him. If he didn't know better, he'd say it was jealousy. However, that's pretty ridiculous because Jared's straight and Jared's vanilla, Jensen reminds himself. So, Jared wouldn't get jealous over random guys Jensen sleeps with. Yet, there's a strange timbre in his voice when he asks, "You do?"
Jensen's got no clue what makes him say it, but it's out faster than he can stop it. So he says it with a laugh anyway. "Yeah, Chris accuses me of whoring my way through L. A."
"He does what?" Jared asks. He looks a little tense and Jensen doesn't know how to interpret this.
"Yeah, he says I'm sleeping around and I guess I kinda do," Jensen admits. "I mean, I just like to have fun and when I have needs, I'll do something about them. Sex is fun and I never promise anyone anything."
Carefully, Jensen watches Jared, looking for any signs of jealousy again or a confirmation that he just imagined it. Instead, blood rushes to Jared's face and he tenses slightly again. He sounds shy as he asks, "Oh, so you have a lot of sexual partners then?"
Jensen assumes that the sex talk makes Jared uncomfortable but Jensen doesn't feel guilty the least. After all, he never forced Jared to ask the last question and if Jared didn't want to talk about the subject, he wouldn't have gone there.
"I guess, I do. I'm just very liberal when it comes to sex and it's something I enjoy. I'm all for safe sex if you wonder about STDs," Jensen says with a wink.
Jared looks at him confused first but then he bursts out laughing, "I can't help it. I'm a paramedic through and through. I wonder about health all the time."
Jared's still blushing slightly but his posture is relaxed now. The atmosphere is clearly lighter and less uncomfortable than a few minutes ago. Jared then reaches for his beer on the coffee table and takes a long drink before he asks, acting all casual, "So it's just sex?"
Jensen's head feels light from the booze but if alcohol does one thing to him, it's make him more carefree and open. "Yeah, I'm not ready to enter a new relationship yet. But having a lot of sex helps me be balanced. So it's just sex."
There's a moment of comfortable silence during which they both take another drink. Then Jared asks, "Where do you pick up guys? I mean…"
Jared trails off and bites his lip. It's almost endearing as the blood rushes to his cheeks again. He clearly doesn't talk about sex a whole lot. So Jensen just smiles and goes on as if it were no big deal and the most normal thing to talk about. Well, for him it is no big deal.
"Bars mostly," Jensen says. "I have a few locations I go to in the evening, gay bars or clubs. A bit of flirting, a few drinks and if we both want the same thing, we'll go to a hotel and have some fun."
"Oh," Jared says. There's clearly something else on his mind, Jensen can see it from his expression. It's Jared's "think-face". And Jensen's not wrong as Jared asks, "So, how- how often do you, well, pick up guys?"
The blood doesn't even leave Jared's face anymore.
"It all depends," Jensen says. "You know, being an actor means that there are periods when you have a lot of work and no time to go out and then there are periods when you have a lot of free time. Also, my very wild days are over and I don't have one-night stands each time I get the chance anymore either."
Jensen pauses, not sure whether he should make that last confession. But then, he's given Jared such a deep insight into his soul already, the last bit won't hurt. "It- just, after Tom I needed a clean cut and wanted to erase his memory. So I had a lot of casual sex and got my dick pierced."
Oh God, did he just say that?
Jensen's eyes spring wide open and when he looks at Jared, he sees that Jared stares at him, open-mouthed. Jensen curses the fact that he had too much to drink and that he can't control his mouth properly anymore, but when Jared's expression shifts from terrified to intrigued (that was definitely an intrigued look) and finally to impish, he grins at Jared.
"What? I mean, ouch!" Jared exclaims, one of his hands protectively falling onto his crotch.
Jensen only shakes his head and laughs, "Believe me, it feels really good during sex for me and I've had my sexual partners assure me, it does also for them."
Jared doesn't question this any further and they finish their beers, broad smiles on their faces. When Jared looks at his watch, they realize how quickly time flows and that it's already past one. Fishing his car keys from his pocket, Jared gets up, a bit too quickly, apparently having forgotten about agreeing earlier to sleep over. Jensen has to steady him from behind to prevent him from falling.
"Easy there," Jensen says. Before Jared can even say anything, Jensen goes on, "You're not going anywhere tonight, remember? You're in no condition to drive and you're not waking Sophie up either."
"Jensen," Jared protests but Jensen doesn't let him get any further.
"Jared, I mean it. You're crashing in the guest bedroom tonight. This is not up for discussion."
Jared eventually gives in and after Jensen quickly sets up the spare room, he disappears with a grateful smile on his face. "Thanks, man."
"Don't mention it," Jensen says with a last smile .
A few things change as Jensen and Jared develop a friendship. One of those things is that Jared is in Jensen's personal space quite often. He hugs Jensen when they see each other. He squeezes Jensen's shoulder as he sets a plate in front of Jensen, when they all eat together - Jensen, Jared and the girls. He bumps his knees into Jensen's under the table when they sit in the coffee shop, having a drink while they wait for the girls to finish their weekly ballet lesson.
They're at their usual Starbucks, waiting for the girls to be done with ballet. Jensen excuses himself to go to the bathroom and when he comes back to the table, Jared sets another mug down in front of him. Jensen looks at him in surprise and Jared simply smiles at him.
"I thought you might want another one," Jared says. "You look like today's flavored coffee day and I think you'll really like one of those fancy lattes tasting like cinnamon."
All Jensen can do is stare because he had planned to get another coffee after the bathroom break and in fact, he sometimes likes flavored coffee, especially if it tastes sweet. It should be scary how much Jared got to know him, that Jared knows how to read him so well that he can predict when Jensen needs another coffee and what kind he'd like.
With shock, Jensen realizes that they sound just like a little family, them and the girls; the only thing that's missing is that Jensen and Jared are fucking. Jared's hand lands on top of Jensen's and he asks him what's wrong and why Jensen looks like a deer in the headlights. Jensen just shakes his head, thanks him for the coffee and pretends that it's nothing, but Jared's facial expression gives away that he's not buying it at all.
Things between them have become so comfortable and so easy lately that Jensen didn't even realize the turn they took. The girls seem happy about it and when Jensen and Audrey go home that night, Audrey asks when she can play with Sophie the next day as soon as they're in the car on their way home.
The next evening, Jensen gets out and picks up some nameless guy at a bar, who only by chance looks a little like Jared. Lately, he finds himself think more often again that Jared's a good-looking guy but he pushes the thought away as he lets his one-night stand fuck him up the ass. As soon as Jensen comes, he realizes that somehow this doesn't feel right. Immediately after he's done, he leaves the guy's apartment, intent to get back home as quickly as possible. Jensen hasn't even done up his pants properly as the door falls into the lock.
He tries to be as quiet as possible in order not to wake Chris who's sleeping on the couch or Audrey when he enters his own home. He doesn't succeed. Audrey comes out of her bedroom, her pink pajamas with My Little Pony printed on them all askew.
"Daddy?" she asks and Jensen takes all the distraction he can get.
It's three days later when things get even worse. No matter how hard he tries, he just can't stop thinking about this tangle he's currently in. Thinking back about one of his first conversations he's had with Jared, Jensen finds himself snorting at the fact that he told Jared that he doesn't need another someone to complete their little family. He remembers how he told Jared that he doesn't want a second dad for Audrey and now, now that this weird thing has happened, he doesn't know what to think anymore.
Audrey loves Jared and Sophie. Whenever Jensen tells her that they all can spend time together, she gets all excited and bouncy. Sophie and Audrey have become best friends but also Jared has become an important person in Audrey's life without anyone noticing it as it happened.
Jensen is once more reminded of this as they all go to the park. The girls are playing on the playground while Jensen and Jared watch them from one of the benches. It feels a bit like their first time at the park, the first time Jensen ever really talked to Jared; more than just accusing him of being a bad father.
The girls come running and ask for some juice. While Sophie sits down on the bench between Jensen and Jared, Audrey grabs Jared by the hand, pulls it and says, "I need to pee, Jared."
It takes a few minutes by foot to get to the public restrooms and Jensen is already halfway up when Audrey says that she wants to go with Jared. It should be weird but Audrey deals with Jared with such naturalness as if she'd always asked him to accompany her to the toilet. Jared nods and smiles at Jensen, then he takes Audrey by the hand.
Sophie climbs into Jensen's lap and starts telling him about the game Audrey and she just played and by the time she's done, Jared and Audrey return. Audrey chats happily and reports in great detail about how Jared went with her into the restroom, how he made sure she was okay, how he waited outside and watched out that she didn't get locked and how he helped her wash her hands.
Taking your daughter to the bathroom is such a private thing and Audrey should feel awkward asking Jared about it and should ask Jensen, but she doesn't and it only reflects everything that has happened lately. Jensen can't really explain it but sometimes she looks at Jared as if he were the second dad Jensen always thought she didn't need.
Jensen feels a bit weird around Jared because he realized that something has shifted between all of them. Thankfully, ever since Jensen's been confused about his feelings for Jared, Jared's been working a lot and they only time they've seen each other is when Jared collects Sophie from Jensen's.
Jensen's currently doing laundry as he spots a pink t-shirt that is not his daughter's. Without even thinking about it, he throws it on the stack anyway as he keeps listening to Chris on the phone.
"Audrey asked me what a date is," Jensen states as he continues sorting laundry.
At first, he was worried because he thought that six was a bit too early to start dating, despite the fact that she knows exactly what adults do and despite the fact that she maybe was confronted accidentally with sex one time too many.
"Why?" Chris asks.
However, when Jensen found out the real reason for Audrey's question, he didn't like it any better. "Well, apparently Sophie told Audrey that she overheard Jared and his friend Sandy talking where she insisted that he likes me. And that he should ask me on a date."
"What?" When Chris bursts out laughing and snorts into the receiver, Jensen wishes he'd find that just as funny. But really, he doesn't.
"I know," Jensen then sighs dejectedly. "And then Audrey asked me what a date was."
Chris doesn't take any mercy on him as he simply keeps laughing. After a few moments he finally says, "She didn't know? Jen, I don't believe that your kid, out of all kids doesn't know what a date is."
For a moment, Jensen thinks he should be offended because whatever Chris makes it sound like, Jensen doesn't like it. But then he lets it go and says, "She understands the concept of two people liking each other, but I never had to explain to her what a date is. I don't particularly go on dates, Chris."
"Right, you go straight to the fucking part," Chris taunts. "Point taken."
Jensen doesn't trust his ears and he even drops the shirts he's sorting. Then he exclaims, "Chris!"
"It's true! When's the last time you went on a date?" Chris defends himself.
The fact that Jensen does actually to have to think about it, speaks mostly against him. In the end, he admits, "I- uh. I don't know. With Tom, maybe."
"See?" Chris says, sounding way too triumphant. "So, what are you gonna do?"
Of course, Jensen has thought about that. Hell, he spent lots of time agonizing about everything that's developed during the last few weeks and months between Jared and him, between their two families. About the fact that maybe he's changed his mind a lot about Jared.
Yeah, maybe Jared's still boring and maybe he's still pretty vanilla in bed, but at least he's funny and he's gorgeous and he's a good guy, a family guy with the heart in the right place. So maybe Jensen's crush on Jared has been revived and the information that apparently the feeling's not one-sided doesn't make this any easier.
"Nothing. I mean, he didn't even ask me on a date," Jensen says. "And I can't call and say 'I want to go on a date with you because my daughter told me that your daughter told her that you have the hots for me.'"
It sounds perfectly plausible in Jensen's head, but then Chris says, "Why not? I thought you liked the guy. And apparently he likes you back. Why don't you ask him on a date?"
"Chris, I don't think that's a good idea," Jensen protests. "I'm the openly gay guy, he's the supposedly straight guy. If anything, he should make a move on me."
"Bull, Jen," Chris says. And once he starts ranting, it takes a while until he's done. "Why should Sophie say something like that if it's just a lie? C'mon, you know that kids wouldn't even think of joking about something like that. This isn't about you worrying that maybe Jared would tell you that he's not interested. This is about your damn old fear of being abandoned. This is about your stupid issue with commitment and how you're scared of being left behind again with your daughter and another guy walking out of your life and pulling a Tom on you!"
When Chris is finally done, Jensen's totally speechless. He wants to defend himself and tell Chris that he has no right to bring up Tom and that he's sick of Chris bringing up what happened again and again. Yeah, maybe it just hurts too much to think about Tom and how he left Jensen behind with a small child to take care of, but Jensen's had enough of it. He doesn't want to be reminded of that anymore.
"How dare you say that!" Jensen snarls at Chris. He's furious and has to clench and unclench his fists to prevent himself from hitting things. "My stupid issues are nobody's fucking business but my own. For that matter, I'm not going to ask Jared out and that's MY decision. The discussion is over, Christian."
And then, Jensen hangs up. All the way through finishing the laundry, he seethes with rage. He knows that it's unfair to take it out on Chris and that Chris is only trying to help, but he just cannot deal with that.
Deep inside he knows that Chris is right. Jared sometimes gives him these looks that would make Jensen hit on him if he met him at a bar but the fear of being disappointed again, of his daughter being disappointed and losing so much this time, stops him from acting. She wouldn't only lose a second daddy but also her best friend and this fragile, unconventional family that has developed lately. The danger of losing everything is greater than Jensen's desire to give Jared and he a try .
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Things settle and go smoothly over the next few weeks. Audrey lightens up again, becoming better with each day. She likes going back to school and eventually even becomes friends with Sophie. A few weeks ago, Jensen never thought this would be possible but now it's happening. It's always "Sophie did this…" or "Sophie said that…" Audrey talks about Sophie nonstop and Jensen's simply glad that Audrey found a new friend in her.
The bullying by the boys doesn't stop completely and sometimes Audrey still cries over it and gets sad. Jensen gives her tips on how to ignore those boys and how to shut her ears whenever they say something mean. He's sorry and feels guilty that his daughter is the one who has to bear the discrimination about his sexuality, but all he can do about it is comfort her whenever she's upset.
Sophie and Audrey spend a lot of their free time together. Whenever they can, they're at each other's home playing with their dolls and other masses of toys. Turns out they're equally spoiled.
They even start the same hobby, ballet. It's their first lesson and Jensen curses under his breath as Audrey and he nearly run late because of the heavy afternoon traffic. They make it in time though and once they enter the studio where a lot of other children and parents are already waiting for Mrs. Johnson, the teacher, Jensen is surprised to see Jared there.
Of course, Jensen knew that Sophie was going to attend the classes too, but he didn't expect Jared to come. In fact, he expected Sophie to be brought by Sandy instead. Jared gives Jensen a little wink while Audrey immediately runs over to Sophie to hug her. With a nod and a smile, Jensen acknowledges Jared.
The teacher says a few things on how the weekly lessons are planned out and after a little tour of the studio, the parents are sent outside. They're standing on the street in front of the building and just as Jensen wants to walk off in the direction of his car, a hand lands on his arm.
"Hey," Jared says and when Jensen turns to look at him, Jared smiles.
"Uh, hi," Jensen says, still surprised that Jared is actually there.
There's a moment of silence because Jensen doesn't know Jared that well and apart from the first time in the park, they never really talked. Sure, they met plenty of times when Jensen brought Audrey to Jared's so that the girls could play or vice versa, but Jensen and Jared didn't really exchange more than a few sentences.
"I- uh," Jared says, pointing to the other side of the street, "I thought about having a coffee at Starbucks. Wanna join me?"
Jared smiles broadly, such a god honest smile as if what he just said wasn't awkward at all. Jensen thinks back to not knowing Jared and not knowing what he should talk about with Jared. He's skeptical and wants to make an excuse. He's a little scared that he'll only be bored and uncomfortable, but he can't think of a valid answer fast enough. Before Jensen can even say anything, Jared drags him across the street with such enthusiasm that all of Jensen's protests are immediately refuted.
"I'll invite you," Jared says as he enters the coffee shop with Jensen. "What do you want?"
Jensen feels a little weird but Jared takes him by surprise and he's too slow to register everything and react properly. "A plain cappuccino, please, two shots of espresso," he then gives in.
Jared smiles and nods again. While he gets them the drinks, Jensen searches for a spot to sit down. He doesn't have to wait long until Jared comes over to the table with two mugs, setting them both down.
"Thanks," Jensen says.
And then he doesn't know what else to say. Jared simply keeps smiling - he seems to smile a lot. Obviously he's totally oblivious to the tension that threatens to spread. Usually, Jensen is not a shy person and he always finds a topic to talk about. But somehow, he doesn't know what it is with Jared.
"So, just how excited was Audrey about ballet? Did she get any sleep at all last night?" Jared asks, again totally unaware of any weirdness between them.
Jensen snorts and shakes his head, thinking about how hyper Audrey was about the new hobby. When he looks at Jared, Jared practically beams at him and Jensen concludes that talking about the girls is something he can do.
"Not really," he admits. "She couldn't think about anything else for the last days."
Jared nods and takes a sip from his coffee. "Same here. Ballet was all that was on Sophie's mind."
Jared smiles when he says that. There's something gentle and loving in his eyes when he mentions his daughter.
"I didn't expect you to come," Jensen confesses as the stirs his coffee. He hopes he doesn't sound accusing because really, that's not what he means. What he means is that he's pleasantly surprised to see that Jared made it.
"Yeah," Jared says. He simply keeps smiling and thankfully, he doesn't look as if he were offended. "I took the day off, actually. I had a heavy discussion with my boss because he said I just couldn't miss a day during the week, but I suppose I complained enough times to him and eventually he gave in."
Jared laughs and his eyes sparkle for a moment. They only meet Jensen's briefly and then he looks down on the table, drawing an invisible pattern onto it. When Jensen looks at Jared, he sees that Jared glances at him quickly from underneath his lashes and that suddenly he blushes a little.
"This is important to Sophie," Jared says, looking up and directly at Jensen again. "And that's why it's important to me, too. I didn't want to miss this moment in her life, not when it means so much to her. You know?"
Jensen wants to argue that it's only one lesson out of many and that there's always the next to attend when he realizes in half-shock-half-surprise that Jared is currently showing the kind of attitude Jensen accused him of lacking in the past. Jared is right; this is not only one lesson.
This time it's Jensen's turn to smile because maybe he needs to revise the picture of Jared as a parent that he has and maybe Jared deserves a second chance for judgment. "So, you said there was complaining involved?" Jensen grins.
"Whining, actually," Jared laughs. When he does, the smile reaches his eyes once more and the skin around his eyes crinkles. But then, all of a sudden, Jared becomes serious. "No, really, he wasn't happy about it. We're chronically understaffed and getting some time off is always a bit of a struggle. That's the only thing I hate about being a paramedic. Never having as much time for Sophie as I want to."
Jensen takes another drink from his coffee and then he looks at Jared again. There's still a serious expression on his face, it's almost as if he was a little sad. "Did you ever think about quitting?" Jensen asks, honestly curious.
Jared smiles weakly as if he expected the question or as if it was one he has to answer frequently. He nods and then he says, "Yeah, more than once. Believe me, this is my great inner conflict."
He pauses, sipping his coffee and then he fidgets a little in his seat. He doesn't look uncomfortable but rather more as if he were searching for a good way to express his thoughts. "Of course, on the one hand I love what I do and I want to help people, but on the other hand, I want to be there for my daughter. I actually want to see her grow up and not have others tell me about it. I want to witness it myself as she grows both physically and as a person."
The smile on Jared's face is back as he talks about Sophie and how he wants to be there for her. Jensen can relate because it's the same with Audrey and him. Even though it's nice to let Chris look after her every once in a while, Jensen wants to spend as much time with his daughter as possible. Before Audrey's arrival, Tom and he deliberately made a pro-child decision and that's something Jensen never regretted, even though it meant losing Tom.
Jensen is still somewhat in thought, when Jared's expression once more changes to serious. Jared takes a few deep breaths as if what he'll say next is going to be particularly hard.
"See, when my wife passed the paramedics arrived too late at the scene," Jared trails off, gazing out of the window for a moment that seems like eternity to Jensen. He's intrigued about Jared's background story but he doesn't think it's in his right to ask about it. There's something about Jared that Jensen finds interesting, realizing that maybe Jared is not as boring as Jensen put him down as.
"You know, maybe, if they had been there sooner, Lisa would be still alive today." Jared takes another moment before he goes on. Jensen can feel a lump in his own throat even though he doesn't look into Jared eyes. As the minutes pass, Jensen can relate to Jared and his motives to become a paramedic more and more.
Jared's posture is stiff and when he turns back to Jensen, there's a look of determination on his face. "I want to spare other people of having to go through losing someone they love like Sophie and I did. I don't want husbands to lose their wives or children to lose their mommies or daddies. I want to save people."
There's a lot of passion in Jared's voice when he says this, giving Jensen the impression that Jared lives for what he does. He decides to remain quiet for now because he thinks that there's more Jared wants to say. Jared smiles at him briefly, suddenly a little sad and shy.
"But then there's Sophie, my own daughter and she's my everything. Sometimes, I feel like an ass because I don't spend as much time with her as she deserves." Jensen thinks that Jared's expression is best described as guilty. Jared's gaze lands on the table once more as if he didn't want to see Jensen judge him. But this time, Jensen's not judging at all, not until he's heard all of it.
"So far, things are working out. I mean, once I get back home, it's our time. Sophie and Jared time," Jared beams. "I guess I got used to the fact that the only time that I have to myself these days is when Sophie's asleep. But I don't mind. I love both my daughter and my job and as long as I can have both, I'm not quitting my job."
"I see," Jensen then says. Maybe his opinion about Jared already changed a bit. Maybe this opinion needs to be revised. The passion with which Jared speaks about his job and family is admirable, even though he might not be perfect at executing his duties as a parent or even though he might not be very good at balancing work and his daughter. But at least he seems to try, this Jensen has to give him. He finishes his cup of coffee and as he sets his mug down, he sees Jared watching him.
"So, what's it like working as a paramedic? I'm sure there's more to it than long hours, a lot of stress and pressure," he asks curiously. Of course, Jensen's got a vague idea of what it means to work as a paramedic and he's not really looking for the stuff he could simply search in the internet. No, he's looking for first-hand experience. Jared's motivation and not a standard job description.
Jared gives a quick laugh and then he says, "Oh, definitely. As I said, the hours are shit and it's not easy, but it's also a very rewarding job. I can help people. People who urgently need help. It's a very exciting job. Every day is different, you know. I get to meet new people each day. I guess I'm not the type to sit in an office. I need to be outside, I need to be moving."
Jared fidgets a little excitedly as if his subconscious was trying to reinforce Jared's statement about always being active. It turns out that once Jared starts talking about his job, he doesn't stop that easily.
"People are usually very grateful when you help them and it's just very rewarding if they thank you," Jared beams. "A few weeks back, we were called to a car crash with three cars involved. It was pretty nasty but because of the emergency teams' quick interventions, everyone survived. It simply feels great to know that someone out there is still alive because you did the right thing."
Jensen definitely can relate to the office comment. Part of why he wanted to become an actor was that he didn't want to end up in boring routines. He enjoys that his job has so many different faces. Jared comes off as a very lively guy, someone who always needs something to do, someone who always needs to have his mind occupied and Jensen thinks that maybe paramedic is a good career choice for Jared.
Jared also seems like an honest, emotional guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. Jensen is not quite sure yet how that works with being a paramedic because of course, you can't save everyone. You can try, but sometimes it's inevitable that you see someone die. He wonders how Jared copes with the confrontation with death. In the end, Jensen goes for it and asks Jared.
Jared takes a moment to answer. His face becomes serious and then he says, "Yeah, of course this is an issue. Sometimes people are meant to die and there's nothing you can do about that. You can try real hard, but you won't always succeed."
He rubs his chin, thinking and probably evaluating his answer. "I guess this is why I try to balance it out with my family. I mean, Sophie's so full of energy and it's just good to see that there's life right in front of me. She's like a little whirlwind and she helps me take my mind off things."
There's a moment of silence during which Jared simply smiles. Then he asks, "You want another?" pointing to Jensen's empty mug.
Jensen laughs and then he says mischievously, "I'm not going to die of heartburn?"
Jared snorts and adds with a wink, "I think a fit guy like you should be safe. Besides, you're with a paramedic. It hardly gets better than that."
"All right then," Jensen finally agrees, not missing the sparkle in Jared's eyes. Before Jared can even get up, Jensen comes to a stand and insists that he's paying this time.
After a short while he returns to their table with two fresh coffees. They sip their drinks in silence when Jensen concludes that maybe Jared isn't as boring as he thought. Maybe, it was not a mistake to have a coffee with Jared.
The conversation shifts back to the girls and the latest happenings at school. Jensen's surprised at how well-informed Jared seems. There's a play coming up and both Sophie and Audrey managed to get roles in it. Audrey will play a butterfly, just like Sophie.
When they talk about the play, Jensen is once more surprised by Jared as he admits that he knows all of Sophie's lines because he took the time to help her study them. Jared grins broadly and then he gives Jensen a short sample, including mimics and gestures of what Jensen believes is supposed to come across as a butterfly.
By the time Jared is done, Jensen is laughing tears at Jared's dorky interpretation. The people around them already look at them slightly funny but Jensen can't stop snickering. Jared making faces at him and flailing his arms certainly doesn't help either.
"Stop it," Jensen half laughs, half hisses under his breath. His stomach already hurts.
Jared grins and winks at him as if he were totally innocent. But all of a sudden, Jared's expression becomes serious and at first Jensen fears that something was wrong. Then, Jared laughs again and points at the clock at the wall, "Shit, we totally forgot the time."
When Jensen looks around, he sees that they're already about 20 minutes late to pick up the girls.
"Fuck," Jensen says, trying not to laugh himself. "We better hurry up our asses. I know for sure that Audrey's not gonna be happy."
Jared mumbles something about Sophie just being like that and together they rush out of Starbucks, across the street and into the studio. As soon as they reach the little hall where they left their daughters, they are greeted by the sight of two pouting girls, thankfully there's no crying.
As they approach their kids, Jared nudges his shoulder against Jensen's and gives him a knowing smile. The girls whine a little about how they had to wait but as soon as they're asked how the lesson was they forget about it and start babbling happily how they love ballet and how they want to keep doing it forever and how they want to become real ballerinas.
Once they're outside again and ready to part, Jensen and Jared look at each other. Jared smiles and runs a hand through his hair.
"What d'you think? I had a lot of fun today, what about making this kind of a regular meeting?" he suggests.
Almost immediately, a grin spreads on Jensen's face. Despite his initial concerns, he had a great afternoon too and having a coffee with Jared was a lot more fun than he'd anticipated. So yeah, why not?
"Sure," Jensen agrees. "Next week, same place, same time."
After that, the weekly lesson turns into something of a routine for the two families. It's ballet each Wednesday afternoon and while the girls attend their classes, Jensen and Jared meet at the Starbucks across the street and have a coffee. Sometimes, Jensen still thinks back to how he feared the first meeting would be weird and how it was weird at first indeed. All because he feared he wouldn't know what to talk about with Jared.
He also thinks about how he was wrong and how he underestimated Jared's easy-to-get-along-with nature. When he thinks about their weekly meeting now, he thinks about how he got to know Jared better and how he enjoys their coffee klatch.
Since the girls started ballet, Jared has not missed even one appointment. Jensen is really impressed because during their regular meetings Jensen was able to gain deeper insights into Jared's job as a paramedic and the working conditions. Jared tells Jensen once how much Sophie loves ballet and her initial excitement didn't pass like it sometimes does after children start a new hobby. Jared tells him that he wouldn't be able to stand her disappointment if she missed a lesson or if he couldn't come with her.
After a while, Jensen's and Jared's meetings are no longer limited to the waiting time each Wednesday. This is another thing that changes. Jensen gets used to Jared often being at his place too. He remembers the first time he invited Jared to stay when he brought Sophie for the afternoon so that the girls could play.
Jensen still doesn't know what hit him back then but just as Jared says good-bye to Sophie and promises her to be back at six to pick her up, Jensen suggests that Jared could at least stay for a coffee. Maybe it's Jensen's need to be around an adult, to talk to someone his age, maybe he just wants to have a good laugh, his subconscious knowing that Jared's the right person for that. He doesn't know why but he insists that Jared stay. One coffee turns into several as they totally forget about time.
Now that Jensen's found out that Jared's the personification of everything he does not look for in a partner, he stops lusting after him, or so he thinks, and a tender friendship develops between them. During their regular meetings each Wednesday and all the other occasions they spend time together, Jensen's picture of Jared as a person changes greatly. For the better.
It's nice to talk to someone who is in a similar situation, being a single father with a little princess as a daughter. No matter how much Jensen loves Chris and how much he appreciates their friendship, there are simply some things Chris can't give him advice on.
It's a Thursday evening, just around dinnertime when Jensen's cell rings. He puts the spatula down, turns off the hotplate because there's nothing worse than burned fish sticks and then he goes to pick up the phone. He smiles when he sees that it's Jared but as soon as he hears how panicked Jared sounds, the smile on Jensen's face freezes.
"Jensen!" Jared says, out of breath. "What am I gonna do? I- oh, God."
Jensen's grip on his phone tightens, immediately fearing that something has happened. "Calm down, man," Jensen says. "What's wrong?"
Jared breathes heavily on the other end of the line and the unease in Jensen's stomach doesn't settle. He wants to urge Jared to fill him in but Jared's faster than that.
"It's Sophie. Oh God, I gotta be at work in 30 minutes and fuck, I totally forgot that Sandy's out of town tonight for a friend's wedding and now I don't know what to do! I can't leave Sophie alone but I can't take her to work either. What do I do?"
There's so much panic in Jared's voice and somehow the image of Jared flailing in his kitchen like a headless chicken comes to Jensen's mind. He can't help but burst out laughing despite the fact that the situation is probably very serious to Jared. The poor guy sounds stressed. But when Jared tells him that the only problem is that he doesn't have a babysitter for the evening and not something worse like Jensen feared, Jensen can't hold himself back.
"Chill, Jared," Jensen laughs into the phone, which earns him a heavy snort from Jared. "Relax, okay?" Jensen says then. He doesn't even think about it properly, but it's out so spontaneously, his mouth working faster than his brain. "Why don't you bring her over? I can look after her when all you need is a babysitter for the evening."
Jared doesn't answer immediately but his breathing becomes slower and that's a good sign. "Are you sure?" he then asks tentatively.
"Yeah, absolutely. I mean, she could even stay for a sleepover if you don't mind. Audrey loves having Sophie around and I don't have anything planned for the evening. It's no problem at all," Jensen says.
And then he can almost hear Jared grin through the phone. "Oh, thank God. You're my savior."
Jared laughs carefreely, the relief so apparent in his voice. "I gotta run and get ready. I'll bring Sophie over in a few."
After Jared hangs up, Jensen smiles at the cell in his hand. For a moment he wonders when exactly Jared and he became close enough friends that he offers to look after Jared's daughter without so much as a second thought. He doesn't dwell on it though as he calls out for Audrey to give her the happy news of Sophie staying with them.
After that, when Jared is on call, he brings Sophie to Jensen's for a sleepover. Other times, when Jensen is busy with a play at his theater and there are performances to attend in the evening, he's glad that he can bring Audrey to Jared's, who'll return the favor of looking after her.
Jensen and Jared don't talk only about the girls. After a while, they find a lot of other topics and things they apparently have in common. They're both from Texas, they both like football and basketball (though they like different teams), they like similar music, books and movies.
As the weeks pass, their topics shift from Texas to jobs and eventually to past relationships. Jensen learns more about what being a paramedic means and his idea about Jared changes slightly. He's no longer surprised that Jared's single when he sometimes works up to 50 hours a week. By the time Jared comes home in the evenings, he's so exhausted that he only wants to spend time with his daughter and his dogs, no thoughts of going out and meeting women on his mind. Jensen tries to convince him more than once that they go to a bar for a beer and that they'll leave the girls with either Sandy or Chris, but each time, Jared says no and suggests drinking a beer at home instead.
Thinking back to what kind of father Jensen first thought him to be, his picture has changed a lot. Sometimes Jensen is pretty surprised how Jared manages it all that well. He learns that Sophie is Jared's everything and he finds it endearing how passionate Jared is about being a dad and how he's willing to dedicate each free minute to his daughter.
Especially during the weekends, Jared tries to make it up to her for the lack of time during the week. Jensen finds out that Jared takes her to the movies, theme parks or any other free time activities suitable for children as often as he can - though Jensen suspects that Jared partly also does this because he's crazy about cotton candy himself. But Sophie doesn't seem to mind as long as the weekends are daddy time.
One weekend, Jared invites Jensen and Audrey along to go roller skating and both Jensen and Jared make fools of themselves. At least the ballet lessons are paying off as the girls are a lot more graceful than their daddies on the skates. Jared looks a bit ridiculous, towering over the mass of children and as they go in circles, he clings to Jensen and stays right next to him whenever he can. Both of them wobbly on their feet, they try to stay as close to the side of the track as possible and the few times they actually take the courage to skate a little toward the middle it goes horribly wrong. Each time Jared goes down, he pulls Jensen with him. And vice versa. The girls have a blast and Jared radiates such energy all day, keeping the girls entertained that Jensen doesn't even know what to say.
He wonders whether he maybe did Jared wrong, not only as a person but also as a parent. A lot.
It's another one of these babysitting days. Jared has to work and Sophie stays at Jensen's. It's Friday and it's already the second time this week that he's looking after both girls, but Jensen doesn't mind staying at home with them at all. He cooks spaghetti and after watching a movie with them, he puts Audrey and Sophie to bed.
It's already past ten when Jared finally turns up. Jensen opens the door and Jared looks so exhausted that Jensen fears he'll fall asleep any minute. Leaning against the doorframe, Jared smiles tiredly and says, "I brought beer."
He holds up a six-pack of Budweiser and Jensen laughs and insists he come inside and sit down on the sofa.
"Sorry for being so late," Jared calls from the living room as Jensen puts the beer into the fridge and grabs each a cool one.
"No problem, Jared," Jensen says, handing Jared a bottle.
Jared smiles and takes it. As Jensen sits down next to him, he watches Jared run a hand over his face. He yawns loudly and as soon as he realizes Jensen's watching him, he snorts and quickly covers his mouth with his hand.
"We were called to an emergency just as I was leaving. An explosion at a chemical plant. I was already in my jacket but I had to go and help," Jared says. "I should have called and let you know that I'd be held up. I'm sorry, man."
Jared looks guilty and almost automatically Jensen places a hand on Jared's thigh and squeezes it quickly. "Jared, leave it already, okay?"
Jared yawns again and nods eventually. He then asks about the girls and whether Sophie has been good. Jensen fills him in on the day with Sophie and Audrey, how they did their homework together, what they ate, which movie they watched and how they went to bed without making a fuss. A gentle smile spreads across Jared's face as soon as Jensen starts talking about them and he wants to hear all the details. Jared beams proudly when Jensen reassures him that Sophie was a very good girl and no, that Jensen doesn't mind looking after her at all.
Jensen is surprised when Jared gets up and says that he'll go wake up Sophie to take her home. She wasn't supposed to sleep over tonight but after Jared hadn't shown up by the girls' usual bedtime, Jensen decided to put them both to bed. Before Jared even stands properly, Jensen grabs his arm and shakes his head. When Jared gives him a confused look, Jensen suggests that Jared let her sleep and that they stay for the night. Jared argues that they really should go home but Jensen doesn't budge one bit. He tells Jared that he doesn't think Jared's capable of driving anymore anyway and that he should simply let Sophie sleep through the night. Eventually Jared gives in and lets Jensen pull him down and back onto the sofa again. He even agrees to have a second Budweiser.
While Jensen gets them more beer, Jared goes upstairs to check up on the girls. As soon as they've sat down in the living room again, Jensen prompts Jared to tell him about his day and the things that happened at work. Over the weeks, Jensen found himself interested in Jared's job because it's so very different from his own. And he really likes listening to Jared and all those stories from the life of a paramedic. Turns out that Jared is a great storyteller.
Jared says that it had been a relatively slow day and not much happened until the moment Jared wanted to leave. He speaks a bit about the last big incident and the things he saw. Jensen is once more in absolute awe about the passion with which Jared does his job.
They then fall into a comfortable silence, simply nursing at their drinks next to each other. There's a re-run of an old Western movie on TV that they both like a lot, so the decision what to watch is made quickly. By the time the film finishes, they've had even more beer and Jensen is already a little tipsy. He didn't drink anything all week and he certainly shouldn't have had the last one or the one before that.
"Lisa hated these movies," Jared says out of the blue.
Jensen's totally perplexed and shocked; all he can do is snort. Of course, he knows about Jared's late wife and what happened to her but Jared never really brought her up and Jensen never asked. One thing he definitely can say is that he didn't think she'd turn up like this.
When Jensen looks to the side and watches Jared out of the corner of his eyes, he sees that Jared's cheeks are pink from the booze. Jared bites his lip and Jensen simply continues watching him for another while, not trusting his voice to say anything.
What can he say anyway?
The silence between them threatens to become awkward just as Jared goes on all by himself. Jensen doesn't know what he expected him to say but what Jared does say is most probably not this.
"Sometimes I feel like a fool," Jared confesses. "I mean, you know, sometimes I really think that I- that Sophie deserves a mommy and- and I'm just too stupid to find her one." Jared lowers his gaze as he removes imaginary dirt from underneath his fingernails.
Jensen thinks for a few moments, not sure whether he should say what's on his mind or not. He's become friends with Jared but he doesn't know whether he might not be pushing things too far. In the end, Jensen goes for it and says, "But you don't even try, dude. I mean, you still think you were cheating on Lisa."
Jared looks at him then. His expression is something between pained, confused and that face you make when you know exactly that the other person is right but you don't want to admit it. Jared's eyes are wide and glassy and Jensen sees that he's definitely tipsy too. The room is spinning a little around Jensen and he tries hard to concentrate because in his guts, he's got the feeling that Jared wants to talk about this.
A few more moments of silence pass and then Jared whispers, "Yeah, I guess."
"What keeps you from trying? Jared, I hate to say it but you being celibate won't bring her back." Maybe Jensen should feel bad for being so blunt about it but the alcohol takes its toll on him now and he doesn't really manage sugarcoating anymore.
Ever since Jared told him in the park a few weeks ago about how he hadn't been with anyone since Lisa passed, Jensen wondered about this one thing. He never dared ask Jared about it but since they're doing the relationship talk now anyway and both he and Jared had enough to drink to make their heads light, Jensen goes for it. "Man, don't you have needs?"
"Needs?" Jared asks confused. It's equally sad and cute.
"Yeah, like… adult needs," Jensen says, licking his lips. "We're not talking about finding a woman to marry immediately but maybe just having a bit of sex and having a steady partner. It does wonders, believe me."
Immediately, Jared blushes even more. If his cheeks had been pink before, his whole face and throat are crimson now. Jared's eyes spring wide open for a split second and then he quickly avoids Jensen's gaze. Jared looks down on his fingernails again and squirms in his seat a little.
"Uh, I- I feel really stupid but- but I guess I'm, well, I'm just not very experienced," Jared confesses, keeping his voice low. "I was never one of those guys who dated a lot in High School and- and then I met Lisa and she was all I wanted, all I needed."
Jared pauses again and Jensen has a pretty clear idea of what Jared's going to say next. The thought does funny things to his stomach and if Jared is going to say what Jensen thinks, then it simply confirms the picture Jensen has of Jared.
"So, Lisa was the- the only person I ever had sex with. And now I- I guess I don't even know how to do this anymore. It's been five years. I- I guess I'm a bit scared."
Jared looks extremely embarrassed. He's still blushing badly and avoiding Jensen's eyes. He doesn't immediately answer because even though this is what Jensen thought, he doesn't know what to say.
Jensen is probably the exact opposite of Jared and their sexualities couldn't be any more different. But, the thing is that even though Jensen can't relate, can't relate at all why someone would not want to have a little fun every once in a while, he believes that he somehow can understand. And respect Jared.
"Jared, making out and having sex are not things you forget over the years. Believe me," Jensen assures him with a smile. "Once you get to the point, you'll find your mojo immediately. Sex is something to be excited about, not scared of. You'll be a lot more relaxed if you get laid once in a while."
Jared doesn't say anything for a while, obviously still very embarrassed. So Jensen places a hand on his thigh again and squeezes it softly. Eventually, Jared looks at him from underneath his lashes and smiles shyly at Jensen.
"What about you?" Jared asks, changing the subject without going into Jensen's earlier statement. "You said something about a long-term relationship ending, but have you been with anybody else ever since?"
Jensen is silent, weighing up what to tell Jared. He usually wouldn't mention Tom to Jared but he's a little tipsy and so is Jared. Jensen doesn't even realize how Jared gets them a fresh beer from the fridge each and only when he sets it down in front of Jensen and asks again, "So?" Jensen decides to share Tom's and his story with Jared.
"I guess, after my boyfriend and I broke up, I never really took an interest in dating," Jensen admits hesitantly.
He hopes that this will be answer enough for Jared but he should have known better. Jared studies him for a few moments, no longer blushing now that the focus of the conversation has shifted away from him and his sexual inexperience. Then Jared says, "But why? I mean, what happened that was so bad that you'd lose the interest in dating?"
Jensen sighs and even though he doesn't really like to talk about Tom and their relationship, his mouth works faster than his brain. The alcohol definitely has a share in this. For once, Jensen ignores that he has issues.
"Tom, my boyfriend, left me from one day to the other," Jensen confesses. His voice sounds small even to his own ears. "I- I thought we were happy. I mean, I knew that we had a few problems but doesn't every couple have rough moments?"
Jared doesn't say anything and Jensen doesn't turn over to look at him. He knows that there must be pain showing in his eyes. There's always pain when he thinks about Tom, even after all those years. Jared squeezes his thigh and it's such a simple gesture, yet Jensen takes some strange kind of comfort in it.
"When we had Audrey, our lives were turned upside down," Jensen goes on. "Even though we tried to follow the pregnancy as much as possible to be prepared for Audrey's arrival, I suppose it was still too much of a change."
Finally, Jensen has the courage again to look at Jared. What he sees is Jared watching him with glassy but still attentive eyes. "Yeah, I can relate," he says. "Nothing was like before anymore once we had Sophie."
There it is again, that loving smile that's always on Jared's face whenever he talks about his daughter, his everything.
"You know, Audrey needed a lot of attention in the early months. She was a premature birth and at first we weren't even sure whether she'd make it. We spent a lot of time at the hospital and then at the doctors'. She's strong and she fought and you know, she's fine now, but back then, Tom and I totally forgot that there's also us," Jensen admits. "We were so caught up in our daughter and her problematic health, that we totally forgot that to exist as a couple, you also have to work for it."
Jensen waits for whether Jared wants to say anything but when Jared doesn't and only nods his agreement, he continues, "Audrey was about six months old when Tom packed his bags and left. He came home from work one evening and just walked out the door on us."
"I'm sorry, man," Jared says and gives Jensen's thigh another squeeze. Jensen hadn't even realized that Jared's hand had been on his leg all the time. Not that he minds much. As they developed this tender friendship, one of the things that changed is that Jared's in Jensen's personal space quite often. Jensen doesn't even notice it anymore.
Moving his attention back to Jared, Jensen wonders what's so different about him that Jensen feels so comfortable to openly talk about his failed relationship with Tom. Usually Jensen is not such an open book when it comes to this and the only other person he ever spoke to about it is Chris. Of course, the alcohol is partly to blame but there's definitely something about Jared and the way Jensen can interact so easily with him. Maybe the confession he just made is something he'll regret in the morning because talking about Tom makes him feel vulnerable most of the times, but now that it's out, he feels incredibly light and relieved.
"It's okay, I guess," Jensen sighs before he reaches for his fresh Budweiser and takes a few drinks of the cold beer. "We learned how to cope and Audrey and I are fine now. We have each other and whenever I got needs, I'll take care of them."
There's a flicker of something on Jared's face; it's only there for a split second and Jensen even wonders whether his foggy mind played a trick on him. If he didn't know better, he'd say it was jealousy. However, that's pretty ridiculous because Jared's straight and Jared's vanilla, Jensen reminds himself. So, Jared wouldn't get jealous over random guys Jensen sleeps with. Yet, there's a strange timbre in his voice when he asks, "You do?"
Jensen's got no clue what makes him say it, but it's out faster than he can stop it. So he says it with a laugh anyway. "Yeah, Chris accuses me of whoring my way through L. A."
"He does what?" Jared asks. He looks a little tense and Jensen doesn't know how to interpret this.
"Yeah, he says I'm sleeping around and I guess I kinda do," Jensen admits. "I mean, I just like to have fun and when I have needs, I'll do something about them. Sex is fun and I never promise anyone anything."
Carefully, Jensen watches Jared, looking for any signs of jealousy again or a confirmation that he just imagined it. Instead, blood rushes to Jared's face and he tenses slightly again. He sounds shy as he asks, "Oh, so you have a lot of sexual partners then?"
Jensen assumes that the sex talk makes Jared uncomfortable but Jensen doesn't feel guilty the least. After all, he never forced Jared to ask the last question and if Jared didn't want to talk about the subject, he wouldn't have gone there.
"I guess, I do. I'm just very liberal when it comes to sex and it's something I enjoy. I'm all for safe sex if you wonder about STDs," Jensen says with a wink.
Jared looks at him confused first but then he bursts out laughing, "I can't help it. I'm a paramedic through and through. I wonder about health all the time."
Jared's still blushing slightly but his posture is relaxed now. The atmosphere is clearly lighter and less uncomfortable than a few minutes ago. Jared then reaches for his beer on the coffee table and takes a long drink before he asks, acting all casual, "So it's just sex?"
Jensen's head feels light from the booze but if alcohol does one thing to him, it's make him more carefree and open. "Yeah, I'm not ready to enter a new relationship yet. But having a lot of sex helps me be balanced. So it's just sex."
There's a moment of comfortable silence during which they both take another drink. Then Jared asks, "Where do you pick up guys? I mean…"
Jared trails off and bites his lip. It's almost endearing as the blood rushes to his cheeks again. He clearly doesn't talk about sex a whole lot. So Jensen just smiles and goes on as if it were no big deal and the most normal thing to talk about. Well, for him it is no big deal.
"Bars mostly," Jensen says. "I have a few locations I go to in the evening, gay bars or clubs. A bit of flirting, a few drinks and if we both want the same thing, we'll go to a hotel and have some fun."
"Oh," Jared says. There's clearly something else on his mind, Jensen can see it from his expression. It's Jared's "think-face". And Jensen's not wrong as Jared asks, "So, how- how often do you, well, pick up guys?"
The blood doesn't even leave Jared's face anymore.
"It all depends," Jensen says. "You know, being an actor means that there are periods when you have a lot of work and no time to go out and then there are periods when you have a lot of free time. Also, my very wild days are over and I don't have one-night stands each time I get the chance anymore either."
Jensen pauses, not sure whether he should make that last confession. But then, he's given Jared such a deep insight into his soul already, the last bit won't hurt. "It- just, after Tom I needed a clean cut and wanted to erase his memory. So I had a lot of casual sex and got my dick pierced."
Oh God, did he just say that?
Jensen's eyes spring wide open and when he looks at Jared, he sees that Jared stares at him, open-mouthed. Jensen curses the fact that he had too much to drink and that he can't control his mouth properly anymore, but when Jared's expression shifts from terrified to intrigued (that was definitely an intrigued look) and finally to impish, he grins at Jared.
"What? I mean, ouch!" Jared exclaims, one of his hands protectively falling onto his crotch.
Jensen only shakes his head and laughs, "Believe me, it feels really good during sex for me and I've had my sexual partners assure me, it does also for them."
Jared doesn't question this any further and they finish their beers, broad smiles on their faces. When Jared looks at his watch, they realize how quickly time flows and that it's already past one. Fishing his car keys from his pocket, Jared gets up, a bit too quickly, apparently having forgotten about agreeing earlier to sleep over. Jensen has to steady him from behind to prevent him from falling.
"Easy there," Jensen says. Before Jared can even say anything, Jensen goes on, "You're not going anywhere tonight, remember? You're in no condition to drive and you're not waking Sophie up either."
"Jensen," Jared protests but Jensen doesn't let him get any further.
"Jared, I mean it. You're crashing in the guest bedroom tonight. This is not up for discussion."
Jared eventually gives in and after Jensen quickly sets up the spare room, he disappears with a grateful smile on his face. "Thanks, man."
"Don't mention it," Jensen says with a last smile .
A few things change as Jensen and Jared develop a friendship. One of those things is that Jared is in Jensen's personal space quite often. He hugs Jensen when they see each other. He squeezes Jensen's shoulder as he sets a plate in front of Jensen, when they all eat together - Jensen, Jared and the girls. He bumps his knees into Jensen's under the table when they sit in the coffee shop, having a drink while they wait for the girls to finish their weekly ballet lesson.
They're at their usual Starbucks, waiting for the girls to be done with ballet. Jensen excuses himself to go to the bathroom and when he comes back to the table, Jared sets another mug down in front of him. Jensen looks at him in surprise and Jared simply smiles at him.
"I thought you might want another one," Jared says. "You look like today's flavored coffee day and I think you'll really like one of those fancy lattes tasting like cinnamon."
All Jensen can do is stare because he had planned to get another coffee after the bathroom break and in fact, he sometimes likes flavored coffee, especially if it tastes sweet. It should be scary how much Jared got to know him, that Jared knows how to read him so well that he can predict when Jensen needs another coffee and what kind he'd like.
With shock, Jensen realizes that they sound just like a little family, them and the girls; the only thing that's missing is that Jensen and Jared are fucking. Jared's hand lands on top of Jensen's and he asks him what's wrong and why Jensen looks like a deer in the headlights. Jensen just shakes his head, thanks him for the coffee and pretends that it's nothing, but Jared's facial expression gives away that he's not buying it at all.
Things between them have become so comfortable and so easy lately that Jensen didn't even realize the turn they took. The girls seem happy about it and when Jensen and Audrey go home that night, Audrey asks when she can play with Sophie the next day as soon as they're in the car on their way home.
The next evening, Jensen gets out and picks up some nameless guy at a bar, who only by chance looks a little like Jared. Lately, he finds himself think more often again that Jared's a good-looking guy but he pushes the thought away as he lets his one-night stand fuck him up the ass. As soon as Jensen comes, he realizes that somehow this doesn't feel right. Immediately after he's done, he leaves the guy's apartment, intent to get back home as quickly as possible. Jensen hasn't even done up his pants properly as the door falls into the lock.
He tries to be as quiet as possible in order not to wake Chris who's sleeping on the couch or Audrey when he enters his own home. He doesn't succeed. Audrey comes out of her bedroom, her pink pajamas with My Little Pony printed on them all askew.
"Daddy?" she asks and Jensen takes all the distraction he can get.
It's three days later when things get even worse. No matter how hard he tries, he just can't stop thinking about this tangle he's currently in. Thinking back about one of his first conversations he's had with Jared, Jensen finds himself snorting at the fact that he told Jared that he doesn't need another someone to complete their little family. He remembers how he told Jared that he doesn't want a second dad for Audrey and now, now that this weird thing has happened, he doesn't know what to think anymore.
Audrey loves Jared and Sophie. Whenever Jensen tells her that they all can spend time together, she gets all excited and bouncy. Sophie and Audrey have become best friends but also Jared has become an important person in Audrey's life without anyone noticing it as it happened.
Jensen is once more reminded of this as they all go to the park. The girls are playing on the playground while Jensen and Jared watch them from one of the benches. It feels a bit like their first time at the park, the first time Jensen ever really talked to Jared; more than just accusing him of being a bad father.
The girls come running and ask for some juice. While Sophie sits down on the bench between Jensen and Jared, Audrey grabs Jared by the hand, pulls it and says, "I need to pee, Jared."
It takes a few minutes by foot to get to the public restrooms and Jensen is already halfway up when Audrey says that she wants to go with Jared. It should be weird but Audrey deals with Jared with such naturalness as if she'd always asked him to accompany her to the toilet. Jared nods and smiles at Jensen, then he takes Audrey by the hand.
Sophie climbs into Jensen's lap and starts telling him about the game Audrey and she just played and by the time she's done, Jared and Audrey return. Audrey chats happily and reports in great detail about how Jared went with her into the restroom, how he made sure she was okay, how he waited outside and watched out that she didn't get locked and how he helped her wash her hands.
Taking your daughter to the bathroom is such a private thing and Audrey should feel awkward asking Jared about it and should ask Jensen, but she doesn't and it only reflects everything that has happened lately. Jensen can't really explain it but sometimes she looks at Jared as if he were the second dad Jensen always thought she didn't need.
Jensen feels a bit weird around Jared because he realized that something has shifted between all of them. Thankfully, ever since Jensen's been confused about his feelings for Jared, Jared's been working a lot and they only time they've seen each other is when Jared collects Sophie from Jensen's.
Jensen's currently doing laundry as he spots a pink t-shirt that is not his daughter's. Without even thinking about it, he throws it on the stack anyway as he keeps listening to Chris on the phone.
"Audrey asked me what a date is," Jensen states as he continues sorting laundry.
At first, he was worried because he thought that six was a bit too early to start dating, despite the fact that she knows exactly what adults do and despite the fact that she maybe was confronted accidentally with sex one time too many.
"Why?" Chris asks.
However, when Jensen found out the real reason for Audrey's question, he didn't like it any better. "Well, apparently Sophie told Audrey that she overheard Jared and his friend Sandy talking where she insisted that he likes me. And that he should ask me on a date."
"What?" When Chris bursts out laughing and snorts into the receiver, Jensen wishes he'd find that just as funny. But really, he doesn't.
"I know," Jensen then sighs dejectedly. "And then Audrey asked me what a date was."
Chris doesn't take any mercy on him as he simply keeps laughing. After a few moments he finally says, "She didn't know? Jen, I don't believe that your kid, out of all kids doesn't know what a date is."
For a moment, Jensen thinks he should be offended because whatever Chris makes it sound like, Jensen doesn't like it. But then he lets it go and says, "She understands the concept of two people liking each other, but I never had to explain to her what a date is. I don't particularly go on dates, Chris."
"Right, you go straight to the fucking part," Chris taunts. "Point taken."
Jensen doesn't trust his ears and he even drops the shirts he's sorting. Then he exclaims, "Chris!"
"It's true! When's the last time you went on a date?" Chris defends himself.
The fact that Jensen does actually to have to think about it, speaks mostly against him. In the end, he admits, "I- uh. I don't know. With Tom, maybe."
"See?" Chris says, sounding way too triumphant. "So, what are you gonna do?"
Of course, Jensen has thought about that. Hell, he spent lots of time agonizing about everything that's developed during the last few weeks and months between Jared and him, between their two families. About the fact that maybe he's changed his mind a lot about Jared.
Yeah, maybe Jared's still boring and maybe he's still pretty vanilla in bed, but at least he's funny and he's gorgeous and he's a good guy, a family guy with the heart in the right place. So maybe Jensen's crush on Jared has been revived and the information that apparently the feeling's not one-sided doesn't make this any easier.
"Nothing. I mean, he didn't even ask me on a date," Jensen says. "And I can't call and say 'I want to go on a date with you because my daughter told me that your daughter told her that you have the hots for me.'"
It sounds perfectly plausible in Jensen's head, but then Chris says, "Why not? I thought you liked the guy. And apparently he likes you back. Why don't you ask him on a date?"
"Chris, I don't think that's a good idea," Jensen protests. "I'm the openly gay guy, he's the supposedly straight guy. If anything, he should make a move on me."
"Bull, Jen," Chris says. And once he starts ranting, it takes a while until he's done. "Why should Sophie say something like that if it's just a lie? C'mon, you know that kids wouldn't even think of joking about something like that. This isn't about you worrying that maybe Jared would tell you that he's not interested. This is about your damn old fear of being abandoned. This is about your stupid issue with commitment and how you're scared of being left behind again with your daughter and another guy walking out of your life and pulling a Tom on you!"
When Chris is finally done, Jensen's totally speechless. He wants to defend himself and tell Chris that he has no right to bring up Tom and that he's sick of Chris bringing up what happened again and again. Yeah, maybe it just hurts too much to think about Tom and how he left Jensen behind with a small child to take care of, but Jensen's had enough of it. He doesn't want to be reminded of that anymore.
"How dare you say that!" Jensen snarls at Chris. He's furious and has to clench and unclench his fists to prevent himself from hitting things. "My stupid issues are nobody's fucking business but my own. For that matter, I'm not going to ask Jared out and that's MY decision. The discussion is over, Christian."
And then, Jensen hangs up. All the way through finishing the laundry, he seethes with rage. He knows that it's unfair to take it out on Chris and that Chris is only trying to help, but he just cannot deal with that.
Deep inside he knows that Chris is right. Jared sometimes gives him these looks that would make Jensen hit on him if he met him at a bar but the fear of being disappointed again, of his daughter being disappointed and losing so much this time, stops him from acting. She wouldn't only lose a second daddy but also her best friend and this fragile, unconventional family that has developed lately. The danger of losing everything is greater than Jensen's desire to give Jared and he a try .
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3