Two Times Jared - Jensen/Jared - NC-17 - Part 5
Jensen/Jared - Two times Jared - NC-17
The ride to work is one of the most awful in Jared's life. It's not so much the fact that Jensen is beaming, shining and downright euphoric - because, hey, that's a good thing and you can't have that from Jensen often enough, especially in the mornings - but rather the fact that it seems to be something Jared seemingly did and can't remember doing or…never did in the first place.
Or didn't do himself.
He has a rough idea - no, a very clear idea in fact - who to blame but the stupid fuck is nowhere around. For the first time ever since the thing has come into his life Jared wishes it was there. He doesn't miss the smartass, annoying comments, no, not that, he doesn't miss the company either, it's rather that all he wants to know is why Jensen is beaming at him like this. And what Jensen is expecting from him now.
They don't speak much in the car, but the fact that Jensen sings in the car, along to some tune on the radio and not just hums, speaks for itself. Randomly their eyes meet in the rearview mirror and whenever they do, Jensen is quick to smirk and lower his gaze. Like a schoolgirl in love. All that's missing is the little giggle.
Jared's stomach clenches but he forces himself to smile back. He feels sick and nauseous and that's something he never feels around Jensen. Once they're finally at set, Jared's quick to get out of the car, almost jumping out of it. Jensen catches up with him and looks at Jared with round eyes.
"Jay," he says softly as if he had some secret to share.
There's a hand on Jared's arm, a soft, lingering touch. It's careful and fragile as if scared to go too far.
"Are-are you alright?" Jensen asks, his voice just as careful as his touch, "Are-are we…are we alright?" Jensen doesn't look him in the eyes when he says it. His cheeks are flushed slightly making Jensen appear at least 5 years younger.
Jared wants to snort and tell Jensen that no, for Christ's sake, they are not alright because apparently someone likes fucking with Jared's mind, playing him off as someone he is not. But he can't make himself say it, not when Jensen looks at him like that, vulnerable and…trusting. Hoping. Man, he hates hurting the people that mean as much to him as Jensen does.
"Yeah, we're alright, man," he lies and when Jensen beams again, brushing his hand against Jared's lightly, Jared wants to scream.
"Good," Jensen purrs - he fucking purrs, when has Jensen ever done that?! - at Jared, "I'll see you in a bit then, right?"
And to that Jared can't find anything to say, so he just nods and quickly heads for his trailer.
***
Once he closed his trailer door, Jared takes a few breaths in order to clear out his thoughts in this chaotic maze that is his brain. Right, so this is some deep shit he's currently in. His first goal should be to find his other self so that he'll at least have a chance to find out what happened and why Jensen is the way he is today.
Even though he's had had those legs all his life, Jared never knew he'd be able to move that fast. The thing doesn't have a second to even do so much as blink, as it comes out of the bathroom, wiping its hands at a pair of worn-out jeans, (the same jeans Jared wore yesterday), until Jared's fist connects hard with its nose. There's a cracking sound but it doesn't stop Jared from just hitting again, with the same speed, with the same force.
There's so much anger boiling up, washing over him like a big, dangerous wave. For a moment, everything turns white around him, as if he were standing in a thick mist, fogging his senses entirely. He feels hands press against his chest, probably trying to shove him away. He hears someone yelling at him, but it doesn't stop him, none of it. His anger won't vanish as it continues being one big, sharp pain.
It's when he's out of breath that he stops hitting the thing's face - his own face - like a punching ball. For a second, Jared's mind goes blank, torn between 'Oh my God, what have I done' and even more seething rage. There's blood dripping from his other self's nose, a laceration on its forehead and both eyes already starting to swell and turn black.
"Oh, fucking shit. Sorry," he gasps as the thing carefully brings a hand to its face to assess the damage. Jared walks into the bathroom of the small trailer, fetching a wet towel and pressing it against the thing's face. It groans in pain, but still Jared thinks it deserves that.
They're both quiet for a long moment. Jared because he needs to catch his breath and his other self probably numb from pain or shock or both. Only when Jared thinks he's calmed down enough so that one word from his other self won't be all it takes to set him off again, he speaks, "What the fuck happened at Jensen's place last night? And dude, I warn you. Don't try to fuck with me."
He clenches and unclenches his hands to fists as if this made his seriousness even clearer.
"Okay, I'm sorry Jared. I-I thought it was for the best," it whispers and only when Jared growls at it to spit out what it did, it goes on, "See, when Jensen called last night, he seemed upset and I thought I should drive over. No, actually, I thought you should drive over, but since you didn't, I took things into my own hands."
"And then?" Jared's frustration grows.
The thing turns bright red (and that's not from all the blood that rushes into its face after taking a severe beating, no, it's clearly a flush of unease), "We-we….sort of got wasted. When I was there, he offered me a drink and from there, it went downwards."
This can't be possible. Jared feels trapped in a nightmare, his worst fears becoming true, right at this moment. "Come on, DUDE! Fucking tell me already," he spits.
"We were sitting on the sofa and we were both a little drunk. Jensen became very friendly and then he was flirting with me," his other self explains. "He'd look at me with those bedroom eyes or smile totally sweetly and randomly brush a hand over mine or press his knee into my thigh. And then it sort of happened."
"What happened?" Jared gasps.
It's just a dream, wake up, Jay, just a very bad dream. His stomach rumbles, but not in one of those good ways when you already can smell the delicious turkey throughout the whole house your Momma cooked on Thanksgiving or when you're about to receive an award you really wanted, no, that other way, when you know there's bad news coming along and there's no way you can stop them.
The thing takes a long moment, before it finally spills (the inevitable), "We kissed. Well, he kissed me. Told me that he's wanted me…no, you…for a long time and that he simply always had been too chicken to make a move and that you seemed different these last few days and that maybe this was right. And I told him that of course it is alright."
Then, it has to be quick in order to avoid the fist aiming towards its face once more. Jared hits the wall hard but even the pain doesn't help him come down from the state of anger he's once more in. He doesn't know what's worse, the thing kissing Jensen or the thing telling him that this was okay, passing it off as something Jared wanted.
"The fuck? You stupid asshole! This is alright? This is alright? Do you remember that I. Am. Not. Gay?" Jared yells. "That I don't have feelings for my co-star and that you were giving him hopes of something I am not interested in? And fuck, do you know that it's me now, who's…I don't know…breaking his heart or kicking him in the balls and disappointing him because I don't want what he does apparently?"
Jared's so wound up, so caught in this state of fuck and no and hurt and disappointment, that he doesn't even know what to think anymore, how to act. Or basically how to function.
"Calm down, alright? We'll find a good way out," his other self tries to soothe. And seriously, it even has the courage to step closer and lay an empathetic hand on Jared's shoulder, even though it was the one, who fucked everything up so bad.
"Calm down? Calm down? You seriously want me to calm down?" Jared growls, his anger still very much there, "You know what I've been thinking? Maybe it's not me who's gay but maybe it's you. Yeah, you're gay."
"Of course, I'm gay, Jared," it explains, "I am gay because I'm a reflection of your secret desires…"
Jared doesn't even know what to say to that. He's left there, standing without a single clue as what to do or how to act. At least he now knows why Jensen's been so euphoric. And even the question what he's expecting from Jared is perfectly clear. All of a sudden, everything makes perfect sense.
"So what now?" Jared eventually asks, pacing the room and running a cold hand over his face.
"See, the good thing is that I stopped him after the kiss. He-he clearly wanted more. I don't know whether he just likes getting into people's pants quickly or whether it was the booze but there was nothing more than a kiss."
The thing says it as if this would solve the whole situation. It's so absurd that Jared almost starts to laugh - because if he doesn't he might cry - but then realizes that no, not even laughing is going to help.
"Oh, now that's calming. Thank you, I feel so much better, " he drawls sarcastically, both hands over his heart, and then he adds acerbically, "Thank you so much for rescuing my fag cherry."
Jared paces up and down the trailer, trying to come up with ways to solve this fucked-up mess. Maybe he can make Jensen believe that Jensen was totally drunk and only imagined everything and that they did not kiss. But then, this doesn't go well with Jared answering Jensen's question whether they're alright with "yeah, sure thing," (well, done, Jay, by the way) when they stood by Jensen's car this morning.
Maybe Jared could pull Jensen aside and say that today he isn't gay, it's only every other Tuesday or something that Jared is even remotely gay, and since today isn't Tuesday, and neither was yesterday this was a temporary blip and actually he isn't gay. Sorry. Wait, what day of the week is it again? Okay, so maybe that's totally ridiculous and the next thing on Jared's list of 'things to make this better' is death by hanging. Suicide sounds good. Possibly the best option.
"Um," the thing whispers, poking Jared in the arm; Jared found out that it seems to be a gesture of affection with gay selves, "Does it maybe help that he's hell of a good kisser?"
Jared snorts briefly. "Yeah, sure, that makes everything better. Knowing that he's a great kisser is like-like Christmas and world peace and being Prom King all at once," he says, gesturing wildly with one hand, "No, it really doesn't help at all."
Sure, Jared likes kissing and he doesn't care that maybe it's a little girly, it's not like they have exclusive rights to being cuddly and snuggly or anything, and it isn't like Jared doesn't like the manly action thing that the boys like, he just enjoys kissing. It's no big. Not kissing guys though and that's where his problem comes back in.
So the other day, when he first met his gay self and when it made lewd comments on Jensen's lips and what they're made for, maybe Jared did think about this, did think how they'd look wrapped around his dick. And yeah, maybe his mind slipped and he thought about kissing Jensen too, but that doesn't make him gay. Only confused. Totally confused.
There's a knock on the door and when Jensen enters there's a look of vulnerability mixed with insecurity on his face. He smiles at Jared from underneath his lashes and breathes a quick "Hi." The fact that Jensen actually knocked before he came in and didn't just barge in unannounced like he usually would says an awful lot about how he must be feeling. Jared knows that he needs to make a decision on how to act around Jensen and that he needs to make it quick.
On the one hand, there's telling Jensen that all this was a misunderstanding, a result of too much booze and that he's sorry but it should never have happened. That's the option of fucking up their friendship, fucking up Jensen and losing everything he loves and cares about. And on the other hand, there's this other option that involves acting and buying more time to figure out what to do and how to tell Jensen the right way without being hurtful or mean.
Jared's an actor. Not the best, but still he hopes it's good enough to fool Jensen.
He smiles as he walks towards the door where Jensen stands, bites his lip and scrapes a foot over the floor. Jared knows it's something Jensen does when he's nervous, just like Jared fiddles with his nails or rubs his chin.
Once he reaches Jensen, Jared takes a deep breath. He never realized this before, but there's something typical, something so very Jensen in the way Jensen smells.
"I-I thought I should check up on you before we start," Jensen says. When he finishes his sentence, he brings a hand up Jared's cheek, cupping it gently. His thumb gently rubs little circles and then it happens.
Jensen leans up, while his hand moves to Jared's neck. A split second later, he presses his lips to Jared's in a chaste kiss, no tongue, just lips on lips. Jared stiffens because, well, he can't really say he ever kissed a guy before or a guy kissed him. He's surprised that Jensen's lips are so warm and soft. When Jensen pulls away, smiling and blushing, Jared feels as if there was something missing. And that's downright scary.
Jensen licks his lips and then he does it again, kiss him, only this time his lips part slightly, allowing the tip of a tongue to slip out. He sweeps it over Jared's lower lip, pressing gently. Uncomfortable doesn't even start to cover how Jared feels. Theoretically, he knows what he's supposed to do now, because, believe it or not, but Jared's kissed people before but doing this with Jensen who is his best friend feels surreal. Jared doesn't quite know where to put his hands, whether he's supposed to hold Jensen around the waist, lay a hand on Jensen's shoulder or maybe even grab his ass.
When Jared finally remembers that they're supposed to kiss - oh my God, kissing a guy - he parts his lips and pushes out his tongue to meet Jensen's. It feels weird at first but when Jensen does that little flick with his tongue it's pretty awesome - and no, Jared did not just admit that maybe he does like kissing Jensen.
Jensen tastes exactly how he smells. It's hard to describe, something sweet and maybe a bit spicy, too. Fresh and clean. And something definitely manly. There's a subtle note of coffee, too. And just how fucked up is it that Jared likes that? Possibly not quite as fucked up as how Jared totally wouldn't mind tasting it a little bit more…
And then, there are suddenly hands on Jared's ass. He startles as Jensen gives him a firm squeeze. When Jared yelps, practically jumps from Jensen, Jensen only laughs - one of those full, honest laughs deep from the guts. Not a mocking laugh but a friendly one.
"Jumpy much?" Jensen smiles and Jared can't help but blush.
Suddenly, Jensen becomes serious, too serious for Jared's liking. "Jay, I was real worried you wouldn't want this anymore…y'know, when you were sober," he confesses. "I-I was really scared that I fucked this up. You and I. I mean…I-I didn't, right?"
Jared hates the look of insecurity on Jensen's face, a look of having been disappointed too often and Jared sure as hell won't do that to Jensen, at least not now, even if that means pretending to be someone he's not for a little longer.
"Listen Jen, I don't remember much from last night," (that's not even a lie!) "So I don't particularly know what I told you, but-but I want to try this out, I-I want this to work, but I've, uh, never been with a man before, so maybe I can't do this in the end, but I want to try."
Jared doesn't know what's worse: lying to his best friend and making him believe something that Jared doesn't believe himself or being not so sure what exactly it is that he wants (and maybe not even lying all that much) or the hope in Jensen's eyes that is interrupted by a short flicker of disappointment that Jared knows just right how to read. He can't really tell. What he can tell is that the short glimpse in Jensen's eyes was one of those "Please don't fool around with me" looks. And Jared fears that's exactly what he's going to do.
"Yeah, I guess we could do that," Jensen says, his expression switching back to hopeful.
Yeah, they can do that…
***
The day passes awfully quickly. No one but them would ever notice anything, blissfully oblivious to the changes that happened between Jensen and Jared. There's more flirting, from Jensen's side that is, there's more blushing and more intimate touching, like a brush of hand over ass or neck, too, but everything is subtle and secret enough that you have to know it to see it. Jared's uncomfortable with the whole thing between them but whenever Jensen's close enough, he'll switch into acting mode to save Jensen from the pain. He'll have to find a way out of this misery, because seriously, he might be fine with the kissing since Jared likes to kiss and the thing was right that Jensen's hell of a good kisser, but that doesn't really make him want to have sex with Jensen. And oh my God! Sex!
Usually, that's something Jared wouldn't say no to. Not that he was a slut who sleeps around but he likes sex because sex is nice and fun and satisfying. Especially with someone attractive and Jared believes he can call Jensen hot and attractive without being gay. Really! But the thought of Jensen and him…um, no thanks.
"Jay," Jensen whispers in his ear. He stands so close that Jared can feel Jensen's breath in his neck and the body heat that Jensen's radiating.
"Um, what. Sorry?" Jared stutters.
"I asked whether you'd like to come over tonight. I'd cook for the two of us," Jensen smiles.
And if Jared didn't have those pictures in his head now of Jensen and him in Jensen's living area, cheesy candle light dinner scenario and on top of that the thought that Jensen will want to get into his pants, then he'd probably wouldn't have to fake any enthusiasm.
"Um…" Jared rubs his chin and when there's a hopeful smile on Jensen's face, he lies, "That sounds great." Jared mentally smacks his forehead because he couldn't think of an excuse quickly enough.
"That's awesome. I'll go get the car," Jensen beams and after he took a brief look around whether anyone at set would be close enough to see, he presses a quick kiss to Jared's lips. And with that, he's gone, leaving Jared behind with the hole he's rapidly digging for himself. Hell, it might be a grave if he goes a little further. Dying seems quite good right now. Appropriate, even. At least it would get him out of the whole 'potentially having to have sex with his best friend' thing.
***
When Jared closes the door to his apartment, not even the presence of Sadie and Harley can calm him, like it normally does. He exhales; releasing a breath he wasn't aware of holding. Back in the car, Jensen kissed him again, a lot fiercer and more forceful than in Jared's trailer this morning. There's still the taste of Jensen in his mouth, only slowly fading.
Jared doesn't have much time to refresh and change until he has to be back at Jensen's. As he stands in front of the mirror to check his outfit, the thing suddenly steps next to him.
"Hi," it says. Both of its eyes are swollen and covered in a strong purplish color.
"Hey," Jared says back, still busy with buttoning his shirt. "Can't really say I missed you today, sorry," Jared states. When the thing looks at him with clearly fake bemusement, Jared snorts.
"See, Jared," it says, "You were handling everything so well today that I didn't see much need for interference. I'm coming with you to Jensen's though. Maybe you'll need a little help there."
That's when the blood rushes form Jared's face, leaving him white and pale.
"I don't think much help's needed there. Nothing's gonna happen tonight," Jared explains his intentions. Maybe he'll kiss Jensen a bit more because - if he had to admit it - he really likes kissing Jensen, but he's definitely not allowing Jensen into his pants and then, this'll be it. Over the night, when Jared will be back home in his own bed, he'll think of a way to tell Jensen that all this is not what he wants without making it sound too much as if he was just using Jensen. Yeah, that'll be it.
If only it were that simple…
"But it looks as if you were enjoying yourself greatly today, Jared. You seriously sucked Jensen's face in the car before you went to the apartment. You were all over him," it laughs.
Jared blushes at the thing's observation. He can't deny that he sort of enjoyed it (but he'd rather not think about it, thanks) and when Jensen made needy little sounds, dropping a hand into his lap to rub himself through his pants, Jared got hard; he couldn't help it, it's only human. Anyway, as soon as he'd realized, he had leapt out of the car and well, here he is.
"Nothing to be ashamed of, I mean, this is what this all is about, getting Jensen and you together. Besides, he's totally hot," it says sweetly.
"Yeah, and you didn't maybe think that I'll fuck him up because I don't want this and only need more time to find a good way out of this?" Jared adds.
"Well, you like making out with him whenever you think no one's looking - and dude, Jared - that kiss during lunch break in your trailer so was not Jensen's idea," his other self laughs with a wink. It reaches for Jared's shirt and absent-mindedly starts adjusting it a little.
But Jared can't let it go, "Whatever. That doesn't change that I'm not gay and that I certainly don't want to have sex with Jensen or any other guy. And so yeah, maybe he's a damn good kisser. It's confusing enough to know that I like that."
He sighs. Those last few days have been the most horrible days of his young life. Jared had never doubted the fact that he was straight. Straight like an arrow. Straighter, even. He likes boobs and pussies and soft curves. Someone who'll look up to him (and not only in the sense of height), someone he can protect. And now he can't ignore that he likes French kissing Jensen, that he likes the taste of Jensen in his mouth, that he likes the way Jensen moans his name when their kiss becomes dirty or how Jensen presses himself against Jared, being all strong, firm and hard muscles.
He can't also deny that he doesn't feel any different about Jensen now that he knows that Jensen is gay. In fact, Jared doesn't think less of him, Jensen's still his best friend and a cool guy. First Jared thought that the knowledge about Jensen's sexuality would make him feel uneasy, but it's far from that. Jared doesn't mind at all; he doesn't care whether Jensen likes men or women, really. It doesn't make a difference at all and Jared still thinks of Jensen as his best friend. And that's exactly why he doesn't want to hurt him; you don't do that to your friends.
Empathetically, the thing lays a hand on Jared's shoulder, "No one ever said that it was easy to discover your true sexuality. With Jensen you're in good hands. Now hurry or we're gonna be late!"
And with that, Jared lets himself be shoved towards the car.
Links: Index // Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5 // Part 6 // Part 7 // Artwork
The ride to work is one of the most awful in Jared's life. It's not so much the fact that Jensen is beaming, shining and downright euphoric - because, hey, that's a good thing and you can't have that from Jensen often enough, especially in the mornings - but rather the fact that it seems to be something Jared seemingly did and can't remember doing or…never did in the first place.
Or didn't do himself.
He has a rough idea - no, a very clear idea in fact - who to blame but the stupid fuck is nowhere around. For the first time ever since the thing has come into his life Jared wishes it was there. He doesn't miss the smartass, annoying comments, no, not that, he doesn't miss the company either, it's rather that all he wants to know is why Jensen is beaming at him like this. And what Jensen is expecting from him now.
They don't speak much in the car, but the fact that Jensen sings in the car, along to some tune on the radio and not just hums, speaks for itself. Randomly their eyes meet in the rearview mirror and whenever they do, Jensen is quick to smirk and lower his gaze. Like a schoolgirl in love. All that's missing is the little giggle.
Jared's stomach clenches but he forces himself to smile back. He feels sick and nauseous and that's something he never feels around Jensen. Once they're finally at set, Jared's quick to get out of the car, almost jumping out of it. Jensen catches up with him and looks at Jared with round eyes.
"Jay," he says softly as if he had some secret to share.
There's a hand on Jared's arm, a soft, lingering touch. It's careful and fragile as if scared to go too far.
"Are-are you alright?" Jensen asks, his voice just as careful as his touch, "Are-are we…are we alright?" Jensen doesn't look him in the eyes when he says it. His cheeks are flushed slightly making Jensen appear at least 5 years younger.
Jared wants to snort and tell Jensen that no, for Christ's sake, they are not alright because apparently someone likes fucking with Jared's mind, playing him off as someone he is not. But he can't make himself say it, not when Jensen looks at him like that, vulnerable and…trusting. Hoping. Man, he hates hurting the people that mean as much to him as Jensen does.
"Yeah, we're alright, man," he lies and when Jensen beams again, brushing his hand against Jared's lightly, Jared wants to scream.
"Good," Jensen purrs - he fucking purrs, when has Jensen ever done that?! - at Jared, "I'll see you in a bit then, right?"
And to that Jared can't find anything to say, so he just nods and quickly heads for his trailer.
***
Once he closed his trailer door, Jared takes a few breaths in order to clear out his thoughts in this chaotic maze that is his brain. Right, so this is some deep shit he's currently in. His first goal should be to find his other self so that he'll at least have a chance to find out what happened and why Jensen is the way he is today.
Even though he's had had those legs all his life, Jared never knew he'd be able to move that fast. The thing doesn't have a second to even do so much as blink, as it comes out of the bathroom, wiping its hands at a pair of worn-out jeans, (the same jeans Jared wore yesterday), until Jared's fist connects hard with its nose. There's a cracking sound but it doesn't stop Jared from just hitting again, with the same speed, with the same force.
There's so much anger boiling up, washing over him like a big, dangerous wave. For a moment, everything turns white around him, as if he were standing in a thick mist, fogging his senses entirely. He feels hands press against his chest, probably trying to shove him away. He hears someone yelling at him, but it doesn't stop him, none of it. His anger won't vanish as it continues being one big, sharp pain.
It's when he's out of breath that he stops hitting the thing's face - his own face - like a punching ball. For a second, Jared's mind goes blank, torn between 'Oh my God, what have I done' and even more seething rage. There's blood dripping from his other self's nose, a laceration on its forehead and both eyes already starting to swell and turn black.
"Oh, fucking shit. Sorry," he gasps as the thing carefully brings a hand to its face to assess the damage. Jared walks into the bathroom of the small trailer, fetching a wet towel and pressing it against the thing's face. It groans in pain, but still Jared thinks it deserves that.
They're both quiet for a long moment. Jared because he needs to catch his breath and his other self probably numb from pain or shock or both. Only when Jared thinks he's calmed down enough so that one word from his other self won't be all it takes to set him off again, he speaks, "What the fuck happened at Jensen's place last night? And dude, I warn you. Don't try to fuck with me."
He clenches and unclenches his hands to fists as if this made his seriousness even clearer.
"Okay, I'm sorry Jared. I-I thought it was for the best," it whispers and only when Jared growls at it to spit out what it did, it goes on, "See, when Jensen called last night, he seemed upset and I thought I should drive over. No, actually, I thought you should drive over, but since you didn't, I took things into my own hands."
"And then?" Jared's frustration grows.
The thing turns bright red (and that's not from all the blood that rushes into its face after taking a severe beating, no, it's clearly a flush of unease), "We-we….sort of got wasted. When I was there, he offered me a drink and from there, it went downwards."
This can't be possible. Jared feels trapped in a nightmare, his worst fears becoming true, right at this moment. "Come on, DUDE! Fucking tell me already," he spits.
"We were sitting on the sofa and we were both a little drunk. Jensen became very friendly and then he was flirting with me," his other self explains. "He'd look at me with those bedroom eyes or smile totally sweetly and randomly brush a hand over mine or press his knee into my thigh. And then it sort of happened."
"What happened?" Jared gasps.
It's just a dream, wake up, Jay, just a very bad dream. His stomach rumbles, but not in one of those good ways when you already can smell the delicious turkey throughout the whole house your Momma cooked on Thanksgiving or when you're about to receive an award you really wanted, no, that other way, when you know there's bad news coming along and there's no way you can stop them.
The thing takes a long moment, before it finally spills (the inevitable), "We kissed. Well, he kissed me. Told me that he's wanted me…no, you…for a long time and that he simply always had been too chicken to make a move and that you seemed different these last few days and that maybe this was right. And I told him that of course it is alright."
Then, it has to be quick in order to avoid the fist aiming towards its face once more. Jared hits the wall hard but even the pain doesn't help him come down from the state of anger he's once more in. He doesn't know what's worse, the thing kissing Jensen or the thing telling him that this was okay, passing it off as something Jared wanted.
"The fuck? You stupid asshole! This is alright? This is alright? Do you remember that I. Am. Not. Gay?" Jared yells. "That I don't have feelings for my co-star and that you were giving him hopes of something I am not interested in? And fuck, do you know that it's me now, who's…I don't know…breaking his heart or kicking him in the balls and disappointing him because I don't want what he does apparently?"
Jared's so wound up, so caught in this state of fuck and no and hurt and disappointment, that he doesn't even know what to think anymore, how to act. Or basically how to function.
"Calm down, alright? We'll find a good way out," his other self tries to soothe. And seriously, it even has the courage to step closer and lay an empathetic hand on Jared's shoulder, even though it was the one, who fucked everything up so bad.
"Calm down? Calm down? You seriously want me to calm down?" Jared growls, his anger still very much there, "You know what I've been thinking? Maybe it's not me who's gay but maybe it's you. Yeah, you're gay."
"Of course, I'm gay, Jared," it explains, "I am gay because I'm a reflection of your secret desires…"
Jared doesn't even know what to say to that. He's left there, standing without a single clue as what to do or how to act. At least he now knows why Jensen's been so euphoric. And even the question what he's expecting from Jared is perfectly clear. All of a sudden, everything makes perfect sense.
"So what now?" Jared eventually asks, pacing the room and running a cold hand over his face.
"See, the good thing is that I stopped him after the kiss. He-he clearly wanted more. I don't know whether he just likes getting into people's pants quickly or whether it was the booze but there was nothing more than a kiss."
The thing says it as if this would solve the whole situation. It's so absurd that Jared almost starts to laugh - because if he doesn't he might cry - but then realizes that no, not even laughing is going to help.
"Oh, now that's calming. Thank you, I feel so much better, " he drawls sarcastically, both hands over his heart, and then he adds acerbically, "Thank you so much for rescuing my fag cherry."
Jared paces up and down the trailer, trying to come up with ways to solve this fucked-up mess. Maybe he can make Jensen believe that Jensen was totally drunk and only imagined everything and that they did not kiss. But then, this doesn't go well with Jared answering Jensen's question whether they're alright with "yeah, sure thing," (well, done, Jay, by the way) when they stood by Jensen's car this morning.
Maybe Jared could pull Jensen aside and say that today he isn't gay, it's only every other Tuesday or something that Jared is even remotely gay, and since today isn't Tuesday, and neither was yesterday this was a temporary blip and actually he isn't gay. Sorry. Wait, what day of the week is it again? Okay, so maybe that's totally ridiculous and the next thing on Jared's list of 'things to make this better' is death by hanging. Suicide sounds good. Possibly the best option.
"Um," the thing whispers, poking Jared in the arm; Jared found out that it seems to be a gesture of affection with gay selves, "Does it maybe help that he's hell of a good kisser?"
Jared snorts briefly. "Yeah, sure, that makes everything better. Knowing that he's a great kisser is like-like Christmas and world peace and being Prom King all at once," he says, gesturing wildly with one hand, "No, it really doesn't help at all."
Sure, Jared likes kissing and he doesn't care that maybe it's a little girly, it's not like they have exclusive rights to being cuddly and snuggly or anything, and it isn't like Jared doesn't like the manly action thing that the boys like, he just enjoys kissing. It's no big. Not kissing guys though and that's where his problem comes back in.
So the other day, when he first met his gay self and when it made lewd comments on Jensen's lips and what they're made for, maybe Jared did think about this, did think how they'd look wrapped around his dick. And yeah, maybe his mind slipped and he thought about kissing Jensen too, but that doesn't make him gay. Only confused. Totally confused.
There's a knock on the door and when Jensen enters there's a look of vulnerability mixed with insecurity on his face. He smiles at Jared from underneath his lashes and breathes a quick "Hi." The fact that Jensen actually knocked before he came in and didn't just barge in unannounced like he usually would says an awful lot about how he must be feeling. Jared knows that he needs to make a decision on how to act around Jensen and that he needs to make it quick.
On the one hand, there's telling Jensen that all this was a misunderstanding, a result of too much booze and that he's sorry but it should never have happened. That's the option of fucking up their friendship, fucking up Jensen and losing everything he loves and cares about. And on the other hand, there's this other option that involves acting and buying more time to figure out what to do and how to tell Jensen the right way without being hurtful or mean.
Jared's an actor. Not the best, but still he hopes it's good enough to fool Jensen.
He smiles as he walks towards the door where Jensen stands, bites his lip and scrapes a foot over the floor. Jared knows it's something Jensen does when he's nervous, just like Jared fiddles with his nails or rubs his chin.
Once he reaches Jensen, Jared takes a deep breath. He never realized this before, but there's something typical, something so very Jensen in the way Jensen smells.
"I-I thought I should check up on you before we start," Jensen says. When he finishes his sentence, he brings a hand up Jared's cheek, cupping it gently. His thumb gently rubs little circles and then it happens.
Jensen leans up, while his hand moves to Jared's neck. A split second later, he presses his lips to Jared's in a chaste kiss, no tongue, just lips on lips. Jared stiffens because, well, he can't really say he ever kissed a guy before or a guy kissed him. He's surprised that Jensen's lips are so warm and soft. When Jensen pulls away, smiling and blushing, Jared feels as if there was something missing. And that's downright scary.
Jensen licks his lips and then he does it again, kiss him, only this time his lips part slightly, allowing the tip of a tongue to slip out. He sweeps it over Jared's lower lip, pressing gently. Uncomfortable doesn't even start to cover how Jared feels. Theoretically, he knows what he's supposed to do now, because, believe it or not, but Jared's kissed people before but doing this with Jensen who is his best friend feels surreal. Jared doesn't quite know where to put his hands, whether he's supposed to hold Jensen around the waist, lay a hand on Jensen's shoulder or maybe even grab his ass.
When Jared finally remembers that they're supposed to kiss - oh my God, kissing a guy - he parts his lips and pushes out his tongue to meet Jensen's. It feels weird at first but when Jensen does that little flick with his tongue it's pretty awesome - and no, Jared did not just admit that maybe he does like kissing Jensen.
Jensen tastes exactly how he smells. It's hard to describe, something sweet and maybe a bit spicy, too. Fresh and clean. And something definitely manly. There's a subtle note of coffee, too. And just how fucked up is it that Jared likes that? Possibly not quite as fucked up as how Jared totally wouldn't mind tasting it a little bit more…
And then, there are suddenly hands on Jared's ass. He startles as Jensen gives him a firm squeeze. When Jared yelps, practically jumps from Jensen, Jensen only laughs - one of those full, honest laughs deep from the guts. Not a mocking laugh but a friendly one.
"Jumpy much?" Jensen smiles and Jared can't help but blush.
Suddenly, Jensen becomes serious, too serious for Jared's liking. "Jay, I was real worried you wouldn't want this anymore…y'know, when you were sober," he confesses. "I-I was really scared that I fucked this up. You and I. I mean…I-I didn't, right?"
Jared hates the look of insecurity on Jensen's face, a look of having been disappointed too often and Jared sure as hell won't do that to Jensen, at least not now, even if that means pretending to be someone he's not for a little longer.
"Listen Jen, I don't remember much from last night," (that's not even a lie!) "So I don't particularly know what I told you, but-but I want to try this out, I-I want this to work, but I've, uh, never been with a man before, so maybe I can't do this in the end, but I want to try."
Jared doesn't know what's worse: lying to his best friend and making him believe something that Jared doesn't believe himself or being not so sure what exactly it is that he wants (and maybe not even lying all that much) or the hope in Jensen's eyes that is interrupted by a short flicker of disappointment that Jared knows just right how to read. He can't really tell. What he can tell is that the short glimpse in Jensen's eyes was one of those "Please don't fool around with me" looks. And Jared fears that's exactly what he's going to do.
"Yeah, I guess we could do that," Jensen says, his expression switching back to hopeful.
Yeah, they can do that…
***
The day passes awfully quickly. No one but them would ever notice anything, blissfully oblivious to the changes that happened between Jensen and Jared. There's more flirting, from Jensen's side that is, there's more blushing and more intimate touching, like a brush of hand over ass or neck, too, but everything is subtle and secret enough that you have to know it to see it. Jared's uncomfortable with the whole thing between them but whenever Jensen's close enough, he'll switch into acting mode to save Jensen from the pain. He'll have to find a way out of this misery, because seriously, he might be fine with the kissing since Jared likes to kiss and the thing was right that Jensen's hell of a good kisser, but that doesn't really make him want to have sex with Jensen. And oh my God! Sex!
Usually, that's something Jared wouldn't say no to. Not that he was a slut who sleeps around but he likes sex because sex is nice and fun and satisfying. Especially with someone attractive and Jared believes he can call Jensen hot and attractive without being gay. Really! But the thought of Jensen and him…um, no thanks.
"Jay," Jensen whispers in his ear. He stands so close that Jared can feel Jensen's breath in his neck and the body heat that Jensen's radiating.
"Um, what. Sorry?" Jared stutters.
"I asked whether you'd like to come over tonight. I'd cook for the two of us," Jensen smiles.
And if Jared didn't have those pictures in his head now of Jensen and him in Jensen's living area, cheesy candle light dinner scenario and on top of that the thought that Jensen will want to get into his pants, then he'd probably wouldn't have to fake any enthusiasm.
"Um…" Jared rubs his chin and when there's a hopeful smile on Jensen's face, he lies, "That sounds great." Jared mentally smacks his forehead because he couldn't think of an excuse quickly enough.
"That's awesome. I'll go get the car," Jensen beams and after he took a brief look around whether anyone at set would be close enough to see, he presses a quick kiss to Jared's lips. And with that, he's gone, leaving Jared behind with the hole he's rapidly digging for himself. Hell, it might be a grave if he goes a little further. Dying seems quite good right now. Appropriate, even. At least it would get him out of the whole 'potentially having to have sex with his best friend' thing.
***
When Jared closes the door to his apartment, not even the presence of Sadie and Harley can calm him, like it normally does. He exhales; releasing a breath he wasn't aware of holding. Back in the car, Jensen kissed him again, a lot fiercer and more forceful than in Jared's trailer this morning. There's still the taste of Jensen in his mouth, only slowly fading.
Jared doesn't have much time to refresh and change until he has to be back at Jensen's. As he stands in front of the mirror to check his outfit, the thing suddenly steps next to him.
"Hi," it says. Both of its eyes are swollen and covered in a strong purplish color.
"Hey," Jared says back, still busy with buttoning his shirt. "Can't really say I missed you today, sorry," Jared states. When the thing looks at him with clearly fake bemusement, Jared snorts.
"See, Jared," it says, "You were handling everything so well today that I didn't see much need for interference. I'm coming with you to Jensen's though. Maybe you'll need a little help there."
That's when the blood rushes form Jared's face, leaving him white and pale.
"I don't think much help's needed there. Nothing's gonna happen tonight," Jared explains his intentions. Maybe he'll kiss Jensen a bit more because - if he had to admit it - he really likes kissing Jensen, but he's definitely not allowing Jensen into his pants and then, this'll be it. Over the night, when Jared will be back home in his own bed, he'll think of a way to tell Jensen that all this is not what he wants without making it sound too much as if he was just using Jensen. Yeah, that'll be it.
If only it were that simple…
"But it looks as if you were enjoying yourself greatly today, Jared. You seriously sucked Jensen's face in the car before you went to the apartment. You were all over him," it laughs.
Jared blushes at the thing's observation. He can't deny that he sort of enjoyed it (but he'd rather not think about it, thanks) and when Jensen made needy little sounds, dropping a hand into his lap to rub himself through his pants, Jared got hard; he couldn't help it, it's only human. Anyway, as soon as he'd realized, he had leapt out of the car and well, here he is.
"Nothing to be ashamed of, I mean, this is what this all is about, getting Jensen and you together. Besides, he's totally hot," it says sweetly.
"Yeah, and you didn't maybe think that I'll fuck him up because I don't want this and only need more time to find a good way out of this?" Jared adds.
"Well, you like making out with him whenever you think no one's looking - and dude, Jared - that kiss during lunch break in your trailer so was not Jensen's idea," his other self laughs with a wink. It reaches for Jared's shirt and absent-mindedly starts adjusting it a little.
But Jared can't let it go, "Whatever. That doesn't change that I'm not gay and that I certainly don't want to have sex with Jensen or any other guy. And so yeah, maybe he's a damn good kisser. It's confusing enough to know that I like that."
He sighs. Those last few days have been the most horrible days of his young life. Jared had never doubted the fact that he was straight. Straight like an arrow. Straighter, even. He likes boobs and pussies and soft curves. Someone who'll look up to him (and not only in the sense of height), someone he can protect. And now he can't ignore that he likes French kissing Jensen, that he likes the taste of Jensen in his mouth, that he likes the way Jensen moans his name when their kiss becomes dirty or how Jensen presses himself against Jared, being all strong, firm and hard muscles.
He can't also deny that he doesn't feel any different about Jensen now that he knows that Jensen is gay. In fact, Jared doesn't think less of him, Jensen's still his best friend and a cool guy. First Jared thought that the knowledge about Jensen's sexuality would make him feel uneasy, but it's far from that. Jared doesn't mind at all; he doesn't care whether Jensen likes men or women, really. It doesn't make a difference at all and Jared still thinks of Jensen as his best friend. And that's exactly why he doesn't want to hurt him; you don't do that to your friends.
Empathetically, the thing lays a hand on Jared's shoulder, "No one ever said that it was easy to discover your true sexuality. With Jensen you're in good hands. Now hurry or we're gonna be late!"
And with that, Jared lets himself be shoved towards the car.
Links: Index // Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5 // Part 6 // Part 7 // Artwork