I believe it's a life sign.
In my mind, I've updated this blog a million times since my last post, but each time I actually hit the Post New Entry button, my mind becomes blank. I can't believe we're already halfway through the year - so much happened that I don't really know where to begin with my tales.
The last few weeks and months have been difficult. I mentioned in my last post that living in New York can be hard. That's it's ubercompetitive, that making new friends is hard, that it's sometimes too loud, too crowded, too everything. Earlier this year, my job completely took over my life, basically robbing me of everything that made life worth living. It wasn't just the extra hours that I was required to put in, but also changes to my team. A new supervisor who never seemed to have my back. A new assistant who did sloppy work and had poor work ethics. People I love/care about leaving the team/company. An overall very disorganized team that scrambled to meet ridiculous and unrealistic client needs that caused me extra work, only to tell me after I'd put in the extra hours that the client changed their mind and can I please go back to where we were 5 hours ago?
I fell off my exercise routine, I injured myself and I started resenting my job and my team for my unhappiness. I struggled with poor body image, self-hate, disordered eating and basically slipped into a light depressive episode without noticing. I became angry with work and with life and more than once, I asked myself whether I shouldn't just pack my bags and go back home. I became angry at my assistant because she made sure to catch that spinning or yoga class, whereas I stayed late to fix her errors and double check her work, basically sacrificing my personal life. I became angry at my supervisor for playing favorites in the team, for scrambling and reacting to what our account team told us to do, without thinking about the implications for her team, for not giving me feedback, for undermining my authority, for not defending things I had cleared with her when our bosses ripped my plans apart. I became angry with my co-worker who's always so loud and attention whoring. I became angry with another co-worker who told me to chill and lighten up, when she's the one who's moving to London in 2 weeks and before she had a way out of the misery, she was complaining just as much as I was. I barely saw my friends during the busiest time - and when I did, I was so exhausted that I barely could carry a conversation. I broke/badly sprained my toe, had to take time off half-marathon training and as an overall result, ran a disastrous first half in April.
Things at work have calmed down. I've been able to see my friends more often again and go to perky events, when our vendors take us to do fun things. My favorites have been the bread baking class at Le Pain Quotidien and the shopping event at Saks Fifth Avenue (bought a gorgeous Diane Von Fuerstenberg wrap dress). I've also been able to pick up an exercise routine again and generally, I've been sleeping more (and better) and I've started eating better again. My self-worth and body image have improved again - to a point where I'm confident and content about the way I look. The last thing I need to tackle is my issues with work and my team and the anger I feel toward it. And this is where I have been thinking.
About two weeks ago, I sat down with Ravi, who's my supervisor's supervisor. He asked outright whether I was happy right now and I honestly told him that no, I was not. Apparently people had started noticing - given, my attitude was bad the last couple of weeks. I told him that I was frustrated a lot, that I had issues with Sabrina, my supervisor, and the team. I didn't go into the nitty gritty details, but the outcome of the talk was great. He asked me what I used to love about my job, what used to get me excited and maybe that could be a career path for me. It made me realize that I'm responsible for my own happiness. I thought about this a lot this past, long Memorial Day weekend and I've come to realize that it's all in my own hands. I want to be happy? It's upon me to take the necessary steps. They don't say If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere. New York is competitive and no one will handle you happiness on a plate. You have to fight for it. You have to work for it. You have to be the one who drives it.
People will support you, but the drive will come from you. You can't just sit in a corner, complain, whine and expect that good things will happen to you. They just don't. Everybody's so focused on themselves here, that you need to step forward and make yourself heard if you want something. It's just the way New York is. Maybe a lean back attitude works in other places, here it doesn't. So what does that mean?
Tuesday I sat down with my supervisor to talk. I might not be able to change the fact that she's playing favorites and it might be something I'll have to accept. But I can still try doing the best possible job. I've isolated myself from the team in the past because I was so angry with them and I blamed them for my anger. I now need to reintegrate myself. We have some internal team changes come up - with people leaving, new people coming onboard - and I need to embrace the change and use it as an opportunity. They're taking away my assistant (now that we've finally found a good groove and I've managed help her improve her work) and are giving me a new one, fresh out of college. I'll be starting from scratch. But, it's a fantastic opportunity to show that I have leadership skills. They're installing a more senior planner between my supervisor and I. I've been assured it's not because I didn't do a well enough job - I'll just have to believe them. Instead, I will use him as an ally and will impress him, showing that I am ready for promotion next time around. I've also identified areas that I want to learn more in. I want to become more strategic in my thinking and planning. I want to be able to answer tough client questions about whether we spend their budget wisely.
I've communicated all of these things to Sabrina earlier this week and we'll need to figure out now, how I can get there. I also mentioned to her how angry and frustrated I have been and she made a good point about me having to speak up about it. I can't just wait until I become so miserable and then snap at people. I will communicate this sooner so that I can ask for space or help. Whatever is needed. I also took a first step toward happiness by asking to be moved desk. My current desk is giant, which is great. But it's sort of away from everybody else, meaning I'm never really included in conversations. I do hear them and I do get distracted, however, I never feel part of the conversation and the team, which led me to withdrawing and feeling isolated.
It's all about me taking charge of my life again. I'm moving desks. I will speak up more if I'm annoyed/unhappy. I'm changing my attitude. I'm regarding changes as a chance and not as a threat.
The last and only thing I haven't figured out yet is how to drop the last 10 lbs. I'm about 10 lbs away from my goal weight and while I've overcome my struggles with disordered eating (I think), I've become somewhat complacent and content with where I am right now. Now, given, I don't look bad. In fact, I think I look the best I have ever looked in my life. But I still want to lose this additional weight to give me some room for fluctuations, some room for small gains and losses that naturally occur. I've got the exercise down. I've already got 2 half marathons in the books this year. I'm about 10 days away from my third, with a fourth scheduled in September. I need to run 2 more races in 2012 to be guaranteed entry to the NY Marathon in 2013. I exercise 5 to 6 times a week, both running and doing weight exercises. So it's not the lack of exercise. The key is my diet. I seriously need to kick myself in the butt and finally get down with it.
How have you guys been?
P. S. Anybody know where I could go for some Loki, Loki/Thor or Thor icons?
The last few weeks and months have been difficult. I mentioned in my last post that living in New York can be hard. That's it's ubercompetitive, that making new friends is hard, that it's sometimes too loud, too crowded, too everything. Earlier this year, my job completely took over my life, basically robbing me of everything that made life worth living. It wasn't just the extra hours that I was required to put in, but also changes to my team. A new supervisor who never seemed to have my back. A new assistant who did sloppy work and had poor work ethics. People I love/care about leaving the team/company. An overall very disorganized team that scrambled to meet ridiculous and unrealistic client needs that caused me extra work, only to tell me after I'd put in the extra hours that the client changed their mind and can I please go back to where we were 5 hours ago?
I fell off my exercise routine, I injured myself and I started resenting my job and my team for my unhappiness. I struggled with poor body image, self-hate, disordered eating and basically slipped into a light depressive episode without noticing. I became angry with work and with life and more than once, I asked myself whether I shouldn't just pack my bags and go back home. I became angry at my assistant because she made sure to catch that spinning or yoga class, whereas I stayed late to fix her errors and double check her work, basically sacrificing my personal life. I became angry at my supervisor for playing favorites in the team, for scrambling and reacting to what our account team told us to do, without thinking about the implications for her team, for not giving me feedback, for undermining my authority, for not defending things I had cleared with her when our bosses ripped my plans apart. I became angry with my co-worker who's always so loud and attention whoring. I became angry with another co-worker who told me to chill and lighten up, when she's the one who's moving to London in 2 weeks and before she had a way out of the misery, she was complaining just as much as I was. I barely saw my friends during the busiest time - and when I did, I was so exhausted that I barely could carry a conversation. I broke/badly sprained my toe, had to take time off half-marathon training and as an overall result, ran a disastrous first half in April.
Things at work have calmed down. I've been able to see my friends more often again and go to perky events, when our vendors take us to do fun things. My favorites have been the bread baking class at Le Pain Quotidien and the shopping event at Saks Fifth Avenue (bought a gorgeous Diane Von Fuerstenberg wrap dress). I've also been able to pick up an exercise routine again and generally, I've been sleeping more (and better) and I've started eating better again. My self-worth and body image have improved again - to a point where I'm confident and content about the way I look. The last thing I need to tackle is my issues with work and my team and the anger I feel toward it. And this is where I have been thinking.
About two weeks ago, I sat down with Ravi, who's my supervisor's supervisor. He asked outright whether I was happy right now and I honestly told him that no, I was not. Apparently people had started noticing - given, my attitude was bad the last couple of weeks. I told him that I was frustrated a lot, that I had issues with Sabrina, my supervisor, and the team. I didn't go into the nitty gritty details, but the outcome of the talk was great. He asked me what I used to love about my job, what used to get me excited and maybe that could be a career path for me. It made me realize that I'm responsible for my own happiness. I thought about this a lot this past, long Memorial Day weekend and I've come to realize that it's all in my own hands. I want to be happy? It's upon me to take the necessary steps. They don't say If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere. New York is competitive and no one will handle you happiness on a plate. You have to fight for it. You have to work for it. You have to be the one who drives it.
People will support you, but the drive will come from you. You can't just sit in a corner, complain, whine and expect that good things will happen to you. They just don't. Everybody's so focused on themselves here, that you need to step forward and make yourself heard if you want something. It's just the way New York is. Maybe a lean back attitude works in other places, here it doesn't. So what does that mean?
Tuesday I sat down with my supervisor to talk. I might not be able to change the fact that she's playing favorites and it might be something I'll have to accept. But I can still try doing the best possible job. I've isolated myself from the team in the past because I was so angry with them and I blamed them for my anger. I now need to reintegrate myself. We have some internal team changes come up - with people leaving, new people coming onboard - and I need to embrace the change and use it as an opportunity. They're taking away my assistant (now that we've finally found a good groove and I've managed help her improve her work) and are giving me a new one, fresh out of college. I'll be starting from scratch. But, it's a fantastic opportunity to show that I have leadership skills. They're installing a more senior planner between my supervisor and I. I've been assured it's not because I didn't do a well enough job - I'll just have to believe them. Instead, I will use him as an ally and will impress him, showing that I am ready for promotion next time around. I've also identified areas that I want to learn more in. I want to become more strategic in my thinking and planning. I want to be able to answer tough client questions about whether we spend their budget wisely.
I've communicated all of these things to Sabrina earlier this week and we'll need to figure out now, how I can get there. I also mentioned to her how angry and frustrated I have been and she made a good point about me having to speak up about it. I can't just wait until I become so miserable and then snap at people. I will communicate this sooner so that I can ask for space or help. Whatever is needed. I also took a first step toward happiness by asking to be moved desk. My current desk is giant, which is great. But it's sort of away from everybody else, meaning I'm never really included in conversations. I do hear them and I do get distracted, however, I never feel part of the conversation and the team, which led me to withdrawing and feeling isolated.
It's all about me taking charge of my life again. I'm moving desks. I will speak up more if I'm annoyed/unhappy. I'm changing my attitude. I'm regarding changes as a chance and not as a threat.
The last and only thing I haven't figured out yet is how to drop the last 10 lbs. I'm about 10 lbs away from my goal weight and while I've overcome my struggles with disordered eating (I think), I've become somewhat complacent and content with where I am right now. Now, given, I don't look bad. In fact, I think I look the best I have ever looked in my life. But I still want to lose this additional weight to give me some room for fluctuations, some room for small gains and losses that naturally occur. I've got the exercise down. I've already got 2 half marathons in the books this year. I'm about 10 days away from my third, with a fourth scheduled in September. I need to run 2 more races in 2012 to be guaranteed entry to the NY Marathon in 2013. I exercise 5 to 6 times a week, both running and doing weight exercises. So it's not the lack of exercise. The key is my diet. I seriously need to kick myself in the butt and finally get down with it.
How have you guys been?
P. S. Anybody know where I could go for some Loki, Loki/Thor or Thor icons?