Feb 03, 2007 20:03
it didn't start off very well. i kept forgetting things, it took me longer to get out of the house. I had a feeling it wasn't going to be a very good day.
When I got to school, the network was down and i was rushing to get everything ready for the day. finally, it was first period and it didn't go very well. the kids were dead quiet, and they were slow. i could see my lesson wasn't going many places. i offered to do a mock trial with them. my brain was groggy and i was having trouble speaking. the kids would snicker. first hour was happy enough - and then came second hour.
they weren't that great...but the real horror came third hour. i wrote up one kid for his 4th tardy and one kid i was about to write up for insubordination and cheating. they asked me where i lived and what my car looked like. i felt extremely uncomfortable. i thought about calling ms. cooper, but i wasn't sure if i might break down in front of the class. class was dismissed. i told my math teacher, who told my english teacher, who called for me b/c i was going to cry. i barely got myself through 4th hour, talking about controversial supreme court decisions and probably puttlng my job on the line again...and then i had to report to the assistant principal. i broke down again, tired, stressed, and lack of food alll contributed. i was stressed to the max.
the rest of the day was a sort of a blur. i dont really feeling even repeating the following events....but at least my team mebmbers were awesome and very supportive. from what everyone told me, admin is super stupid on the subject and the kids could be back in my classroom in 5 days. at least the NEA reps were 100 % supportive and told me if i was at all unhappy with the decision, to tell them. i felt good knowing that....that made me feel a bit better. it still worries me though that they aren't going to do anything with these kids and i'm going to have a battle to fight. i guess i own't think about that right now.
sigh. i went to the conference feeling like crap. i still feel like crap, but a bit better. i'm scared for the fallout on tuesday, the harassment that i could get, i'm scared b/c the witnesses were being bullied, and i'm just really worried about the whole situation. i'm so stressed from the weekend of conferences and other things stressing me out, and now this on top of it. just terrific.
nothing is going right right now. grandma has a huge clot in her leg and they aren't doing anything but blood thinners. last time we had a blood clot it was jill and she died four months later from her stroke. what if this blood clot moves? well i guess it will just complete the worst year since my sophomore year in high school.
and to top it off, friends are just not around. susan is drowning in LSAT, liz in france, sarah super super busy with play / other stuff, i haven't heard from kate in like 2 months, and sarah varely, who supposedly is a teacher in st louis, won't respond to any attempts at communication. so much for friends. emily is about the only friend besides steve who i feel i can count on and she's not even in st louis. my brother and our plan to do a walk seems to be impossible to schedule, and god knows what is going on in my other brothers lives.
i have no idea how i am supposed to get any shit done or have any motivation to work hard when i'm so stressed, lonely,and depressed. it can only get better from here, but i'm wondering when. i am sick of busting my butt for students who don't even appreciate what i do and i don't feel supported by administrators. i'm going to cry so hard if these kids don't even get suspended. i don't feel loved most days by my team, i don't feel like i fit in anywhere, and i barely feel like i get through to most kids most days.
i dont know. maybe ill quit after only a few years of teaching. i know im leaving the district asap. im moving. im leaving. ic an't handle hazelwood anymore and ill be at clayton or mrh or somewhere else as soon as i can.
i really just want to curl in a hole and not come out for a long time.
and at the end of friday night, my caribiner broke with all my keys on it. it wasn't that big of a deal, but it was symbolic of the horribleness that has transpired.