Update! With longish bullets.
Wow. I have a lot to post about from the last month. I'll attempt bullet style, but they'll probably be long bullets.
• I quit Rosemont! Leaving was both easy and difficult. There were plenty of reminders of why I needed to leave that kept me motived. (example: depressed client swallows an AA battery, is taken to hospital, informed that she should pass it through her digestive system. Next day, back on dorm, she eats 5 AA batteries. Last I heard, she was gonna need surgery. Dealing with this shit does not make use of what I really have to offer in terms of helping people). However, there was also much of more of the good stuff. For the clients, it definitely seemed like a case of you don't know how much you care until it's taken away. That is, they got all emotional about me leaving, and would actually open up and talk with me. I had some awesome, meaningful conversations. At the same time though, I was like "why couldn't we be doing this all along?!?" The last week was particularly hard. It felt like one long goodbye. It was hard for me to switch back and forth between letting go and leveling with the girls, and then having to be an enforcer again. The contrast again really tells me why I needed to go. One thing I'll never forget is the way one girl in particular opened up to me. She told me how I was the only staff member she really felt comfortable with, the only one she really trusted, how I've inspired her, how if any other staff had approached on a particular night she would have cut her wrists but she didn't because it was me, etc. etc. I was incredibly touched by this beautiful, amazing, sweet, fucked up girl. It really moved me. It reminded me why I care about trying to help people. Overall, the closure I had with the girls made me realize that I had more of an impact on them than I had thought, and many were very appreciative of that. I think that I succeeded in one of my original goals of being a model of a male that treats them with respect and doesn't just try to get in their pants. Saying goodbye was hard. These girls are so amazingly beautiful despite their issues. I sometimes used to cry just thinking about that and how I wish I could show them what I see in them. It was extremely gratifying to hear from them that regardless of anything else, they could tell I genuinely cared about them. Really, that's all I needed to hear. On my last night, I sang a german love song and a spanish lullaby for the girls. I'm glad I could give that gift before I left. I remember as far back as my second month at Rosemont thinking how I would want to sing to them before I go.
Yup, that was a long bullet. That's why I never do bullet posts.
• Starting about the time I decided to quit Rosemont, I started getting in depressive funks. I'd be depressed for a day or two, okay for a couple days, depressed again, etc. This is a big part of why I wasn't posting. I really just didn't feel like it. I'm happy to report, however, that
• I'm not depressed anymore! I think it was last Monday, I woke up, and I was simply feeling okay. Not happy happy, but good. I've continued to feel better since then. I made a shift during the night before I woke up on Monday. I woke up knowing that I would find something to do. Not that I magically figured out what to do with my life, but I no longer felt a frantic urgency about it. More laid back, more acceptance that there are lots of good options. See my previous post for my current job thoughts.
• I'm getting excited about burning man! Just over 3 weeks away now. I'm glad that both of my brothers are going for sure, as well as pussyofdoom. I'm also planning on going on a rock climbing trip with Adam for about a week just after burning man ends. Excellent ::does spidery finger thing::. I spent some time today playing with my poi as well. I need to watch some people who are good to learn some new tricks. I'm fine at the things I know, but I need to try to some new stuff. I was playing around today with incorporating a lot more dance and acrobatic kind of stuff. Good times.
• I got a new cell phone and switched to T Mobile. Thanks to some simple google-fu and the store's willingness to price match, I got an incredible deal. Free Motorola Razr (store charges $150), free bluetooth headset (store charges $69), 1500 anytime minutes for $39.99/month (normally costs $59.99). With verizon, I paid the same amount for 450 minutes (albeit with free nights and weekends). Score! Doing your internet homework pays off. Really, the amazing part is how cheap I'm getting the minutes for. The saleswoman was shocked that she could make that work. The guy I talked with on the phone tech support line couldn't believe it, and said he'd never seen that plan before. Booyah!
• I just listened to Conjure One for the first time. It's really good! I love finding new good music. My first thought was, "this sounds a lot like Delerium. And that singer sounds like Poe." I did a little research, and Conjure One consists of one of the two guys that made up Delerium, and it was in fact Poe singing on that song. I rule.
More updates to come, same Ben time, same Ben channel.
• I quit Rosemont! Leaving was both easy and difficult. There were plenty of reminders of why I needed to leave that kept me motived. (example: depressed client swallows an AA battery, is taken to hospital, informed that she should pass it through her digestive system. Next day, back on dorm, she eats 5 AA batteries. Last I heard, she was gonna need surgery. Dealing with this shit does not make use of what I really have to offer in terms of helping people). However, there was also much of more of the good stuff. For the clients, it definitely seemed like a case of you don't know how much you care until it's taken away. That is, they got all emotional about me leaving, and would actually open up and talk with me. I had some awesome, meaningful conversations. At the same time though, I was like "why couldn't we be doing this all along?!?" The last week was particularly hard. It felt like one long goodbye. It was hard for me to switch back and forth between letting go and leveling with the girls, and then having to be an enforcer again. The contrast again really tells me why I needed to go. One thing I'll never forget is the way one girl in particular opened up to me. She told me how I was the only staff member she really felt comfortable with, the only one she really trusted, how I've inspired her, how if any other staff had approached on a particular night she would have cut her wrists but she didn't because it was me, etc. etc. I was incredibly touched by this beautiful, amazing, sweet, fucked up girl. It really moved me. It reminded me why I care about trying to help people. Overall, the closure I had with the girls made me realize that I had more of an impact on them than I had thought, and many were very appreciative of that. I think that I succeeded in one of my original goals of being a model of a male that treats them with respect and doesn't just try to get in their pants. Saying goodbye was hard. These girls are so amazingly beautiful despite their issues. I sometimes used to cry just thinking about that and how I wish I could show them what I see in them. It was extremely gratifying to hear from them that regardless of anything else, they could tell I genuinely cared about them. Really, that's all I needed to hear. On my last night, I sang a german love song and a spanish lullaby for the girls. I'm glad I could give that gift before I left. I remember as far back as my second month at Rosemont thinking how I would want to sing to them before I go.
Yup, that was a long bullet. That's why I never do bullet posts.
• Starting about the time I decided to quit Rosemont, I started getting in depressive funks. I'd be depressed for a day or two, okay for a couple days, depressed again, etc. This is a big part of why I wasn't posting. I really just didn't feel like it. I'm happy to report, however, that
• I'm not depressed anymore! I think it was last Monday, I woke up, and I was simply feeling okay. Not happy happy, but good. I've continued to feel better since then. I made a shift during the night before I woke up on Monday. I woke up knowing that I would find something to do. Not that I magically figured out what to do with my life, but I no longer felt a frantic urgency about it. More laid back, more acceptance that there are lots of good options. See my previous post for my current job thoughts.
• I'm getting excited about burning man! Just over 3 weeks away now. I'm glad that both of my brothers are going for sure, as well as pussyofdoom. I'm also planning on going on a rock climbing trip with Adam for about a week just after burning man ends. Excellent ::does spidery finger thing::. I spent some time today playing with my poi as well. I need to watch some people who are good to learn some new tricks. I'm fine at the things I know, but I need to try to some new stuff. I was playing around today with incorporating a lot more dance and acrobatic kind of stuff. Good times.
• I got a new cell phone and switched to T Mobile. Thanks to some simple google-fu and the store's willingness to price match, I got an incredible deal. Free Motorola Razr (store charges $150), free bluetooth headset (store charges $69), 1500 anytime minutes for $39.99/month (normally costs $59.99). With verizon, I paid the same amount for 450 minutes (albeit with free nights and weekends). Score! Doing your internet homework pays off. Really, the amazing part is how cheap I'm getting the minutes for. The saleswoman was shocked that she could make that work. The guy I talked with on the phone tech support line couldn't believe it, and said he'd never seen that plan before. Booyah!
• I just listened to Conjure One for the first time. It's really good! I love finding new good music. My first thought was, "this sounds a lot like Delerium. And that singer sounds like Poe." I did a little research, and Conjure One consists of one of the two guys that made up Delerium, and it was in fact Poe singing on that song. I rule.
More updates to come, same Ben time, same Ben channel.