I boycott subjects
I really like the word namaste.
I realized something that makes me sad. I'm not proud of the work that I do at my job. I believe in the cause, I believe in the organization, I believe my motives are good. I think I do an adequate or perhaps even good job, but I'm still not proud of it. I'm proud of myself for not giving up, but not proud of what I actually do. Both as a climbing instructor at Whitman and later at SageWalk, I took a great deal of pride in my job. It made me really happy to do good work and feel mastery of what I was doing. I don't feel this at all at Rosemont. And it's not just that I'm still learning (which I am). Even though I'm competent, I'm not confident. And I hate that. I'm a confident person. I want to be able to take pride in a job well done and feel in control. Not that I need to control the girls. I just want to feel like I have enough control over myself and my job. So basically, work isn't satisfying. It's okay. Getting a better schedule a few weeks ago certainly takes a lot of the pressure off and makes it much more manageable, but it still doesn't change the fact that I don't get much satisfaction from my work.
My personal life isn't faring much better. I realized today that I need focus. I need something challenging to be passionate about and really throw myself into. Dabbling makes me feel like I'm doing nothing. Also, I need some friends down here in PDX. As wonderful as they are, I can't rely solely on the_drifter and shopmonkey. And I need a girlfriend. I seriously miss intimacy. A variety of things recently linked to memories of pussyofdoom and how close we were. I don't long for her, but it was a very poignant reminder of how much I'm missing intimacy. Anyone have any brilliant ideas for meeting people? Actually, I'll accept mediocre ideas too.
I've gone to yoga a few times and enjoyed it. It's not as good for meeting people as I'd hoped; not very social. Also, I think dance will be more satisfying to me. The instructors are definitely hot though.
Here's a partial list of things that I've got excited about recently, even if it only pierced my shell for a moment.
-Hearing Ravel's Piano Concerto in G, Rachmaninov's 2nd or 3rd concerto (forget which), Rachmaninov's Symponic Dances, Rimsky-Korsakov's Cappricio Espagnol
-yoga
-rock climbing
-ballet, modern, tango, latin dance
-a capella. Was thinking it might be fun to contact Kate and Kalin and maybe Drew and start up an a cappella group
-writing music, whether classical or popular
-singing in a choir
-watched Center Stage at work tonight. Got really nostalgic about being onstage and looking out at the audience, pre-performance butterflies, etc. God, it feels so comfortable and familiar to me. I miss it.
Looking at this list, I guess I should do something with music and something physical. Sounds easy enough. I've had a hard time making myself play the piano lately. I've felt stymied when trying to write music. I feel out of touch with things.
I think back to my life at Whitman. I had intimacy. I had direction and passion (at least some). I had cornerstones to plan my life around. I miss that feeling of general well-being and excitement at life.
I MISS PASSION!!!
I feel like I'm treading water, living an anti-life. This is not me! I am passion. I am strength. I am kindness, I am giving. Why can I not LIVE any of these? God, I live so restrained and penned in. I am adventurous, I am a risk taker, a leader who follows vision. But all I seem to do is play it safe. I make myself sick.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't know what to do with my life.
I realized something that makes me sad. I'm not proud of the work that I do at my job. I believe in the cause, I believe in the organization, I believe my motives are good. I think I do an adequate or perhaps even good job, but I'm still not proud of it. I'm proud of myself for not giving up, but not proud of what I actually do. Both as a climbing instructor at Whitman and later at SageWalk, I took a great deal of pride in my job. It made me really happy to do good work and feel mastery of what I was doing. I don't feel this at all at Rosemont. And it's not just that I'm still learning (which I am). Even though I'm competent, I'm not confident. And I hate that. I'm a confident person. I want to be able to take pride in a job well done and feel in control. Not that I need to control the girls. I just want to feel like I have enough control over myself and my job. So basically, work isn't satisfying. It's okay. Getting a better schedule a few weeks ago certainly takes a lot of the pressure off and makes it much more manageable, but it still doesn't change the fact that I don't get much satisfaction from my work.
My personal life isn't faring much better. I realized today that I need focus. I need something challenging to be passionate about and really throw myself into. Dabbling makes me feel like I'm doing nothing. Also, I need some friends down here in PDX. As wonderful as they are, I can't rely solely on the_drifter and shopmonkey. And I need a girlfriend. I seriously miss intimacy. A variety of things recently linked to memories of pussyofdoom and how close we were. I don't long for her, but it was a very poignant reminder of how much I'm missing intimacy. Anyone have any brilliant ideas for meeting people? Actually, I'll accept mediocre ideas too.
I've gone to yoga a few times and enjoyed it. It's not as good for meeting people as I'd hoped; not very social. Also, I think dance will be more satisfying to me. The instructors are definitely hot though.
Here's a partial list of things that I've got excited about recently, even if it only pierced my shell for a moment.
-Hearing Ravel's Piano Concerto in G, Rachmaninov's 2nd or 3rd concerto (forget which), Rachmaninov's Symponic Dances, Rimsky-Korsakov's Cappricio Espagnol
-yoga
-rock climbing
-ballet, modern, tango, latin dance
-a capella. Was thinking it might be fun to contact Kate and Kalin and maybe Drew and start up an a cappella group
-writing music, whether classical or popular
-singing in a choir
-watched Center Stage at work tonight. Got really nostalgic about being onstage and looking out at the audience, pre-performance butterflies, etc. God, it feels so comfortable and familiar to me. I miss it.
Looking at this list, I guess I should do something with music and something physical. Sounds easy enough. I've had a hard time making myself play the piano lately. I've felt stymied when trying to write music. I feel out of touch with things.
I think back to my life at Whitman. I had intimacy. I had direction and passion (at least some). I had cornerstones to plan my life around. I miss that feeling of general well-being and excitement at life.
I MISS PASSION!!!
I feel like I'm treading water, living an anti-life. This is not me! I am passion. I am strength. I am kindness, I am giving. Why can I not LIVE any of these? God, I live so restrained and penned in. I am adventurous, I am a risk taker, a leader who follows vision. But all I seem to do is play it safe. I make myself sick.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't know what to do with my life.