A Winter Apart - Chapter 7
Genre: Angst, romance
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Plot's mine, but JE or the lyrics used here are not...and yes this is fiction!
Ne - hey
Ohayou gozaimasu - Good morning
Okasan - mother
Gomen - sorry
Sumimasen - also an apology, but in this case it's excuse me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 7
“Kazuya you’re coming back to the capital. Your mother…”
Silence.
“Kazuya…Kazuya - can you hear me?”
Click.
“Ohayou gozaimasu…” Kame sat down at his desk and looked at the long ‘To-Do’ list in front of him with a determined sigh. His head felt like someone was ramming a hammer against his skull, yet he chose not to call in sick. No… that really wouldn’t be professional. He was going to be fine. Just fine.
“Ah morning Kamanashi-kun!” Sasaki came over with a smile on her face. “We’ve had positive feedback from Sakura so that article will now go ahead! A job well done Kamenashi-kun!” She paused and looked down at Kame who nodded and smiled. Sasaki lowered her voice slightly and carried on casually. “So…did you talk with Akanishi-san in the end?”
Pause.
“Yes. Thank you.” A smile. “Sorry for causing trouble. It’s fine now.”
Sasaki breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m glad things have worked out. It’s good to see you smile again. Well I’ll leave you to it, just glad to hear things are okay now! Right! Ganbatte!”
Kame nodded and watched as Sasaki walked back to her own desk before looking down at his work again. He picked up his diary and opened it out before bringing his hand up to the side of his face and placing his elbow on the desk as if to lean on it.
Yeah… it’s fine now.
Kame twirled the pencil over his finger as his eyes glance down his list of appointments for the next few days and cross-checked it with his ‘To-Do’ list. He needed to proofread his article on surfing…ah something he hadn’t done in a while… He glimpsed down at his weekend. Maybe… He looked back at the list: read the incoming mail comments and debrief Sasaki… edit the features column and talk to the layout team…He wrote a note to himself in his diary and moved his pencil down to the next item:
“Okasan.”
Kame stopped. His fingers gently rubbed his forehead. He’d briefly forgotten about that. He looked up from his work and let his eyes scan over the morning of Tokyo. In truth he felt guilty. He’d selfishly avoided this capital city for six years because of him. This city was alive and buzzing, but to him death seem to linger in the air like mourning veil. He’d been wanting to move his mother’s ashes back to Kyoto, out of this sorrowful city, yet for the past six years he just kept making excuses not to return, kept running, kept avoiding.
He looked back down at his work. He knew that it’d probably meant a return to that place.
That place.
Kame closed his eyes briefly.
He’d be fine.
Just fine.
Jin flicked the pen mindlessly in his hand. He leant forwards and placed one elbow on the pile of proposals on his desk. He was supposed to be planning this evening’s meeting and as it was going to be “non-business” and just some casual socialising with his clients, it needed a little more planning. Maybe some tactful negotiation that could be slipped in here or there. Yet his mind really didn’t want to concentrate this morning. His thumb brushed over his lower lip as he stared out of his large office window onto the Tokyo morning. That name just kept repeating itself in his head. The image of that face across the café table. That conversation…
“…you’re not the ‘Jin’ I was looking for…I made a terrible mistake.”
But he’d been so insistent before, why the sudden change? Jin wondered if Koki and Maru would -
“Jin?”
Jin blinked and looked up to see Matsumi’s head around the door. She smiled at him and let herself in, closing the door behind her. He returned her smile, and turned his chair round a little as she came over to him and leant down and pecked him lightly on the lips.
“What were you think about? You didn’t even hear me knock…”
“Oh…nothing… just work.”
Matsumi looked at him sceptically. “Yes Jin, obviously work that involves redesigning the city landscape and silently memorising proposals…”
Jin coughed, somewhat embarrassed. Matsumi playfully tapped him on the head. “Look you even crumpled the page!” She pointed to the proposals which he’d been absent-mindedly leaning on. She sighed then carried on more seriously. “Are you sure you’re alright? Did something happen?”
Jin looked at the pen that he continued to twirl in his hand. She leant on the desk beside him, crossed her arms and looked at the wall in front of her. “You know… we’ll be husband and wife in a few months…and we’re already engaged…” She paused. “If there is something wrong, please be honest with me…”
Jin stopped twirling the pen.
Matsumi tipped her head and looked at her fiancé.
“I…met some old school friends of mine…” Matsumi watched as Jin stood up and walked to the window, continuing with his back to her. “…and I was just….just think about the past… and just… how much I could and couldn’t remember… that’s all…”
Silence.
“I see…”
Silence.
“Is it bothering you again…?”
“…no…no I guess not…just wondering… that's all…”
“Okay…”
Jin heard Matsumi walk over and quietly slip her arms around his waist. They stood there for a moment looking out onto Tokyo, both thinking the similar thoughts, both differently.
“Jin…”
“Mmm?”
“Why don’t you invite them round… for dinner…?”
Jin looked down at her, not entirely sure what she was getting at. She looked back up at him and smiled. “It might be good… for you… you know… maybe recap some old times…”
Jin paused, before breaking into a grin and leant down and kissed Matsumi on the forehead.
Kame looked around the flower store. It’s been a while since he’d bought flowers. There hadn’t really been any occasion for them… the last time he bought flowers… it’d been for a funeral.
His eyes spotted the bunches of white lilies and he walked over to examine them. As he leant over to pick up a bunch, small waves of sky blue caught the corner of his eye.
Kame carefully packed his books into a box and sealed it. He placed it aside and looked around at his half empty room. No… he really wasn’t going to miss this. Not anymore. He glanced at the empty armchair where his mother used to sit and read to him then looked away. His new place was too small for it.
He began to pack his mother’s photos into a shoebox.
“Thanks…Jin… For helping me move.”
Jin looked up at him and paused. He was happy for Kame that he was finally moving away from his father. Maybe he can finally get some peace. “I’m as happy as you are as this means I can finally crash round all the time now!” He flashed Kame a grin, which Kame returned with his unimpressed expression, but Jin caught the faint flicker of the edge of Kame’s lips lifting in the corner.
“You love it really!” He leapt over and hung his arm around Kame’s neck provoking a ‘get-off-me’ look from him that just caused Jin to sigh with a satisfaction. He looked at what Kame was packing.
“What are these…?” Jin’s fingers lightly touched the edge of some dainty blue flowers that Kame now held in his hands. “They’re… I don’t know… quaint?”
Kame paused before saying quietly. “They were my mother’s favourites… she said because they were so small and nothing particularly special they often get over looked, but she loved them; their colour is that of a clear sky.” He smiled and looked down.
“They’re “Ne-m'oublie-pas” - ‘Forget-Me-Not’s'”
Kame bent down in front of the small pot of bright blue lowers and raised his hands to gently touch the petals.
“Ah…Forget-Me-Nots… Pretty, but even better when they flower naturally in the spring.” Kame looked up to see a friendly face grinning down at him. Kame stood up with the pot and nodded.
“Can I take these?”
Kame stepped out of the taxi at the crematorium and stood still for a moment to take in the silence. Despite being situated in one of the busiest most populated cities in the world, this place seemed to be wrapped in its own tranquil bubble, protected from the ups and downs of the outside world. Although he hadn’t visited this place ever since the funeral, his feet could still remember his mother’s ashes final resting place.
He walked through the sheltered walk ways towards his mother’s memorial, listening to the sound of quiet shuffling and murmuring of others here paying respects to their loved ones, feeling the strange mixture of a calm which took him and the multitude of emotions that filled this place.
Kame paused and looked up at the black and white photo of his mother as he reached the small plaque on the wall. He sighed and looked down at his feet.
“Gomen…okasan…”
He slowly reached into the bag which held the small pot of Forget-Me-Not and broke off a small branch. Reaching up to the small vase fixed next to his mother’s name, Kame slotted the plant in and pulled his hand back. He bowed three times in respect before looking up again.
A figure stepped up beside him and laid down a bunch of white lilies.
Kame swerved, his eyes with surprise.
“Forget-Me-Nots…they don’t usually flower this time of year…”
“Ueda…”
Ueda put down his coffee cup and looked up at Kame. “I hadn’t expected you to come back Kamenashi…”
Kame looked up and smiled, but said nothing, and his eyes turned back to the teacup before him. He slowly stirred his lemon tea, stopping every now and then to poke at the lemon a little more.
“You’ve been lucky in a way…It hasn’t been easy these six years after that incident…” Ueda paused. “You know he’s still around somewhere… but I keep out of that area now…as much as I can anyway...”
Kame looked up. “I see…I’m glad for you.”
Ueda chuckled. “You’ve become more distant Kamenashi.” He paused and took a sip of his coffee and leant back, his single left earring gleaming slightly as it caught the faded lights of the café-bar. “I am not the same as you…this is the only thing I could manage. But it’s good and I’m comfortable, the business isn’t bad on the edge - you catch those not so daring, but still want a little excitement.”
Kame glanced around the café-bar. A few of the staff were busily moving the tables and chairs away, dimming the spot lights a little more, and the room immediately took on a different feel. It had a very Western atmosphere, and tastefully decorated. His eyes scanned over the pictures behind the bar now illuminated under a shade of bluey-pink, settling on an artistic shot of a giant red windmill before turning his gaze back to Ueda.
“It’s nice.”
“You’re still uncomfortable being on this side of town aren’t you?” His tone was matter-of-fact. Picking up his coffee cup, he watched the younger man before him with a steady gaze.
Kame shook his head and smiled back. “No it’s fine.”
Ueda laughed and lifted his glasses higher on his nose with his finger. “You’ve always been good at putting up a front, and though it’s become more convincing I can still see through it…”
Kame smirked, looked down then away from Ueda. “Right…”
“You’re still missing him.”
Pause.
“Besides your mother, I’ve only seen one other person whom I’ve seen you completely relaxed around. Six years later and you’ve once again reverted back to the Kamenashi before Akanishi and perfected those defences.”
Kame picked up the spoon and stirred his lemon tea again. Bittersweet.
“You know you should move on…”
Pause.
“Jin… He’s back.”
Ueda’s eyes flicked up in a sudden surprised movement and looked at Kame across the surface of his coffee cup.
Jin exchanged a bow with his clients and saw them off respectively in their taxis. He stood back and watched them as the taxis merged with the busy traffic of the Shinjuku evening.
“Akanishi-san, shall I call your driver?”
He turned and looked at his assistant. “No, thank you. It was a good job tonight. Shall we go for a drink?”
His assistant shook his head and politely declined. “Ah not tonight - taking my girlfriend out.”
Akanishi smirked. “Where are you taking her?”
“See you at work tomorrow Akanishi-san!” grinned his assistant before bowing and departing.
“Oi oi! I was talking to you!”
The man walked off with a back wave leaving Jin a little amused. He stood on the side of the road for a moment and loosened his tie as he pondered what to do.
Shinjuku.
So this was where it all happened six years ago? A curiosity suddenly took him and he ran his hand through his hair and began to walk. His eyes slowly brushing over the bustling surroundings, the bright lights of the advertisements over head, the alluring signs of the bars and night clubs around him; Jin knew he was searching, but he felt like he was searching for the lost pieces of a puzzle of which the final image escapes him.
Turning a corner and down another street, Jin suddenly stopped. Host clubs and strip bars flanked the side of the streets, attractive young bodies move suggestively around him, tempting eyes teased him from beneath long eye-lashes before looking away. Jin knew he should turn and walk the other way, but something inside tugged at him. He could not recognise a single part of this side of town, yet he had a slight feeling of déjà vu: of him standing on a similar street, searching for something…
And that was enough to make him stay.
Kame stepped out onto the pavement and looked down at his watch then up towards the sky. It was snowing lightly. He’d stayed longer than he’d intended, but he hadn’t expected to bump into Ueda. In all honesty Kame felt a little sad to discover that Ueda had not managed to completely break away as he’d done, no, Ueda had not been as ‘lucky’ as him. Yet seeing him comfortable now Kame was happy for him. He’d promise he’d keep in touch and come see him when all the arrangements for his mother had been sorted.
Kame crossed the side of the street and turned a corner. Looking up he stopped short. The bright lights of the advertisements blinked glaringly at him and pretty eyes glanced his way. Kame averted his eyes with disgust and clicked his tongue. He slowly backed away as he felt the thump of his heartbeat pounding steadily faster and the images of that afternoon jabbed his memory.
As he turned away his eyes caught sight of a somewhat drunken figure stumble out of a nearby bar.
Kame’s eyes widened.
Kame slowly helped Jin up to his room and sat him down on his bed. He crouched in front of his shivering friend, head lowered.
“Jin…I’m - I’m sorry…”
“Argh! Don’t get all sentimental on me.” Jin flopped his aching body onto Kame’s bed and tried to stop his body from shivering. Suddenly, he felt a warm blanket cover him. He opened his eyes and found himself staring at Kame’s back. He’d sat down next to him.
Silence.
“Kame…”
No answer.
“Kame!”
Kame’s head jerked towards Jin. “A - are you still cold?”
Jin paused and looked at him. It was the first time he’d seen Kame like this. Kame spaces out a lot, perhaps more than he does, so that was nothing new; yet he’d never seen this vulnerable side of him before, the bitterness mixed with fear in his eyes, the shame which he was trying to hide. He wasn’t quite sure how to react to it. Jin’s hand clenched underneath the blanket, and looked away.
“No…you fool… just go shower before you catch pneumonia or something.”
“Did you-?”
“No Kame, get going before I drag you in there.”
Kame silently nodded and got up. Jin waited until heard the door of the bathroom shut, before closing his eyes and flopping back onto the bed, hissing slightly as the bruises on his sides throbbed.
“Jin!! Get a grip of yourself!! What the hell are you doing here?!” Kame’s eyes were fuming with anger. “For god’s sake Jin!!” He forcefully pulled the wobbling Jin to his feet.
“Ah….hahaha…it’s you…Kameeeenashi…” Jin laughed and waved a hand in front of Kame’s face.
“Jin!!! Cut that out! What the fuck are you doing HERE?! Do you KNOW where this is?!” Kame couldn’t believe this. His heart was racing just from the memories. He felt as if everyone’s eyes were on him again, just like back then. “JIN!!! GET A GRIP!”
Jin let off a loud laugh, “You’re not ….KKKKamenashiiiiii you said you were…hahahahaha”
Kame breathed in sharply and said nothing but simply dragged Jin away as best he could and out into the another street.
“I want to sit dddddddoooooowwwwnnnn….I said I WANT to sit down!!” Jin clumsily tried to push Kame away who clicked his tongue and shot him a warning look.
“Jin. Shut. Up.”
Jin tried to fight Kame off. “I WANT, to SIT, downnn!!!”
“For god’s sake…” Kame helped the drunken Jin to a nearby bench. Jin sat down and slumped his arms over the back of the bench.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
Kame sat down next to him and put his head in his hands. Why him? Why now? Why here?
“This is SOOOOOO funny!!”
Kame chuckled bitterly. Yeah… it was…
“I don’t understand…I don’t understand….hahahaha…”
No….neither does he.
Jin slumped his body onto Kame’s bent frame. Kame froze.
“You ARE Kamenashi…but you’re not Kamenashi… so who’s Jin?” He laughed at himself. “I’m Jin… but you said I’m not Jin - so who am I?”
Bakanishi…
Kame stood in the shower, turning it on full blast and letting the water crash onto him. His hand slowly moved towards the hot tap and turned it up.
The steam rose steadily and curled itself around Kame’s body.
His left hand reached for the sponge and put the rough side against his skin and began to scrub his wrists. Left, right, left, right…get off…the hot water continued to crash on him. His wrist began to turn red. He switched hands, and repeated the routine to his other wrist. Left, right, left, right…get off… he switched hands again.
The steam from the hot water was filling the bathroom.
His hand moved the sponge towards his neck and again, Kame began to scrub mechanically, mindlessly, obsessively…then down towards the rest of his body. Somehow the roughness of the sponge against his skin, felt right. Kame kept rubbing until his skin began to sting from the hot water and being scoured raw. He continued to take the sponge over himself, his wrist, his neck, his shoulders…just get off…
Why did he have to be there tonight…? His hand gripped tighter around the sponge and scraped the surface across his skin.
“…Kame…!”
The steam continued to pour from the shower and now filled every corner of the bathroom.
Why did he have to see that…? Left, right, left, right…is it clean... his skin was raw, but he kept dragging the rugged surface across his wrists, his neck, his shoulders…He didn’t need to be there tonight. There were so many other places he could have gone to, but yet he appeared when he was - he was -
“Kame!!”
The scalding water smashing against his red skin was stinging…
Kame switched the sponge to his other hand again.
“KAME!!!!”
A sharp bang on the door caused Kame to jolt his head towards the bathroom door. He tried to see, but everything seemed out of focus.
“KAME! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?! DROWNING YOURSELF?!”
It was at that point Kame realised that the bathroom had completely filled up with steam. He turned the shower off.
Silence.
“Who am I…? Where do I come from…? Hahaha…so funny…” Kame glanced at Jin who’d fallen momentarily quiet. He never thought that he’d ever feel the weight of Jin’s head on his shoulder again, never dared to imagine that Jin would ever again be leaning on him like this, and even though Kame knew that none of this meant anything, it was as if the whole world around him fell silent and all he could hear and feel was the steady breathing and the weight of Jin’s body resting on his.
“I’m going…to call you…Kame..haha… cos I don’t know who you are…”
Kame remained silent staring at his hands. Kame. Jin’s voice was more sedated and tired.
“Ne…”
Kame turned his head slightly towards Jin slightly, feeling his slow breath against his cheeks.
“I’m…so confused Kame…ha…maybe…you can explain….Kame…it’s cold…”
There was a pause. Slowly, Kame’s arm shifted from under Jin’s and he was about to wrap the body into an embrace, but his arm stopped and hovered over Jin’s back.
Could he? Should he?
Slowly Kame stepped out of the shower, and stumbled. He shook his head and tried to reach for the door. His hand fumbled around until it smacked against the knob. He grabbed for a towel and hastily wrapped it around his middle.
Jin was leaning against the doorframe, his other hand on his hips. What the hell was the guy doing in there? He pulled back as the door opened and a cloud of hot steam hit him.
“Kame - what the fu -?” He stopped mid-sentence as his eyes settled on the wet body in front of him. Kame’s unseeing eyes looking back at him through the curtain of wet hair which clung to the side of his pained face. His body was a sore red from the hot water and merciless cleaning. Jin felt a sudden urge to reach over and touch him, to wrap his arms around the hurting body before him, take away the pain and share the burden.
Pause.
Jin’s hands clenched into a fist. He stepped back away from the door and looked away. “Put some clothes on man…”
“Sorry…”
He watched as Kame somewhat hazily searched about for a T-shirt, the water droplets gleaming under the bedroom light as they slid down his slender back. Kame grabbed a lose T-shirt and slipped it quickly over his head, now embarrassed of his half nakedness and where he’d scrubbed his skin raw. Yet the patches of red on Kame’s body did not fail to slip Jin’s eyes as Kame’s body cooled.
“Kame…”
Kame looked up at Jin.
Pause.
“No…no… it’s nothing…” Jin ran a hand through his hair and looked awkwardly about the room.
Pause.
“I… I think I’d better go. You should get some rest. Don’t think too much yeah?” He pulled a smile across his face. “I’ll let myself out…get some rest…I’ll see you at school yeah?”
Kame watched as Jin swung his coat over his shoulder, and limped out of his room. Kame’s feet would not move. His eyes fell on Jin’s coat which now lay on his bed as his arms crossed in front and tightly grasped around his own sore body. Pulling his shoulders forward as if trying to make himself shrink and disappear, Kame sunk to the floor at the foot of the bed.
“Kame…I don’t understand…what is the truth…what happened… Why did I get into an accident?”
Kame closed his eyes.
“Why… do I know this place... it’s not quite right is it… hahaha…”
Could he? Should he?
“Why did they have to tell me….Kammmee… I didn’t have to know the truth… is it the truth…? Why didn’t they just… leave me alone?”
Kame’s hand clenched into a fist.
“I’m so confused…”
He pulled back his arm and looked away. The sounds of the lively Shinjuku night once more jarring his ears.
“You know you should move on…”
Someone told him once that the heart takes time to heal.
Kame gently leant Jin back onto the bench and looked for his mobile in his jacket. Opening the contacts he dialled.
He had paused and returned the comment.
“Sumimasen…Nishikido-san? It’s Kamenashi. Sorry to bother you so late, but Akanishi-san had a little too much to drink. Could you send someone to pick him up or shall I bring him home?”
He had replied what if it never healed?
“Kamenashi-san?”
Kame stood up and dipped his head, which Matsumi returned to with low bow. “I’m sorry for my fiancé troubling you. He’s not often like this.”
Kame shook his head and smiled. “It’s fine. Don’t worry.”
The driver had stepped out and helped the half sleeping Jin into the car. Kame politely followed Matsumi to the side door. She bowed again. “Thank you and apologies again. He is fortunate that you happened to pass by the area.”
“You’re welcome. I think he will be fine in the morning.”
“Yes, thank you Kamenashi-san. I think some past memories are bothering him again,” she frowned worryingly. “I had suggested that we invite some of his old high school friends for dinner now that we’re back in Tokyo. I think it’d be good for him.” She paused and looked at Kame.
Kame put his hands into his pocket and nodded.
“Why don’t you come too Kamenashi-san? It’d be a good way for me to thank you too.” She beamed at him. “I’ll tell Jin when he wakes. Well take care, Kamenashi-san. Good night.” She ducked into the car and Kame watched it merge with the night traffic.
Past memories...
His hand clutched tightly around a silver keyring in his pocket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Long chapter - to make up for updating late...^.^;; Hope you guys enjoyed it.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Plot's mine, but JE or the lyrics used here are not...and yes this is fiction!
Ne - hey
Ohayou gozaimasu - Good morning
Okasan - mother
Gomen - sorry
Sumimasen - also an apology, but in this case it's excuse me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 7
“Kazuya you’re coming back to the capital. Your mother…”
Silence.
“Kazuya…Kazuya - can you hear me?”
Click.
“Ohayou gozaimasu…” Kame sat down at his desk and looked at the long ‘To-Do’ list in front of him with a determined sigh. His head felt like someone was ramming a hammer against his skull, yet he chose not to call in sick. No… that really wouldn’t be professional. He was going to be fine. Just fine.
“Ah morning Kamanashi-kun!” Sasaki came over with a smile on her face. “We’ve had positive feedback from Sakura so that article will now go ahead! A job well done Kamenashi-kun!” She paused and looked down at Kame who nodded and smiled. Sasaki lowered her voice slightly and carried on casually. “So…did you talk with Akanishi-san in the end?”
Pause.
“Yes. Thank you.” A smile. “Sorry for causing trouble. It’s fine now.”
Sasaki breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m glad things have worked out. It’s good to see you smile again. Well I’ll leave you to it, just glad to hear things are okay now! Right! Ganbatte!”
Kame nodded and watched as Sasaki walked back to her own desk before looking down at his work again. He picked up his diary and opened it out before bringing his hand up to the side of his face and placing his elbow on the desk as if to lean on it.
Yeah… it’s fine now.
Kame twirled the pencil over his finger as his eyes glance down his list of appointments for the next few days and cross-checked it with his ‘To-Do’ list. He needed to proofread his article on surfing…ah something he hadn’t done in a while… He glimpsed down at his weekend. Maybe… He looked back at the list: read the incoming mail comments and debrief Sasaki… edit the features column and talk to the layout team…He wrote a note to himself in his diary and moved his pencil down to the next item:
“Okasan.”
Kame stopped. His fingers gently rubbed his forehead. He’d briefly forgotten about that. He looked up from his work and let his eyes scan over the morning of Tokyo. In truth he felt guilty. He’d selfishly avoided this capital city for six years because of him. This city was alive and buzzing, but to him death seem to linger in the air like mourning veil. He’d been wanting to move his mother’s ashes back to Kyoto, out of this sorrowful city, yet for the past six years he just kept making excuses not to return, kept running, kept avoiding.
He looked back down at his work. He knew that it’d probably meant a return to that place.
That place.
Kame closed his eyes briefly.
He’d be fine.
Just fine.
Jin flicked the pen mindlessly in his hand. He leant forwards and placed one elbow on the pile of proposals on his desk. He was supposed to be planning this evening’s meeting and as it was going to be “non-business” and just some casual socialising with his clients, it needed a little more planning. Maybe some tactful negotiation that could be slipped in here or there. Yet his mind really didn’t want to concentrate this morning. His thumb brushed over his lower lip as he stared out of his large office window onto the Tokyo morning. That name just kept repeating itself in his head. The image of that face across the café table. That conversation…
“…you’re not the ‘Jin’ I was looking for…I made a terrible mistake.”
But he’d been so insistent before, why the sudden change? Jin wondered if Koki and Maru would -
“Jin?”
Jin blinked and looked up to see Matsumi’s head around the door. She smiled at him and let herself in, closing the door behind her. He returned her smile, and turned his chair round a little as she came over to him and leant down and pecked him lightly on the lips.
“What were you think about? You didn’t even hear me knock…”
“Oh…nothing… just work.”
Matsumi looked at him sceptically. “Yes Jin, obviously work that involves redesigning the city landscape and silently memorising proposals…”
Jin coughed, somewhat embarrassed. Matsumi playfully tapped him on the head. “Look you even crumpled the page!” She pointed to the proposals which he’d been absent-mindedly leaning on. She sighed then carried on more seriously. “Are you sure you’re alright? Did something happen?”
Jin looked at the pen that he continued to twirl in his hand. She leant on the desk beside him, crossed her arms and looked at the wall in front of her. “You know… we’ll be husband and wife in a few months…and we’re already engaged…” She paused. “If there is something wrong, please be honest with me…”
Jin stopped twirling the pen.
Matsumi tipped her head and looked at her fiancé.
“I…met some old school friends of mine…” Matsumi watched as Jin stood up and walked to the window, continuing with his back to her. “…and I was just….just think about the past… and just… how much I could and couldn’t remember… that’s all…”
Silence.
“I see…”
Silence.
“Is it bothering you again…?”
“…no…no I guess not…just wondering… that's all…”
“Okay…”
Jin heard Matsumi walk over and quietly slip her arms around his waist. They stood there for a moment looking out onto Tokyo, both thinking the similar thoughts, both differently.
“Jin…”
“Mmm?”
“Why don’t you invite them round… for dinner…?”
Jin looked down at her, not entirely sure what she was getting at. She looked back up at him and smiled. “It might be good… for you… you know… maybe recap some old times…”
Jin paused, before breaking into a grin and leant down and kissed Matsumi on the forehead.
Kame looked around the flower store. It’s been a while since he’d bought flowers. There hadn’t really been any occasion for them… the last time he bought flowers… it’d been for a funeral.
His eyes spotted the bunches of white lilies and he walked over to examine them. As he leant over to pick up a bunch, small waves of sky blue caught the corner of his eye.
Kame carefully packed his books into a box and sealed it. He placed it aside and looked around at his half empty room. No… he really wasn’t going to miss this. Not anymore. He glanced at the empty armchair where his mother used to sit and read to him then looked away. His new place was too small for it.
He began to pack his mother’s photos into a shoebox.
“Thanks…Jin… For helping me move.”
Jin looked up at him and paused. He was happy for Kame that he was finally moving away from his father. Maybe he can finally get some peace. “I’m as happy as you are as this means I can finally crash round all the time now!” He flashed Kame a grin, which Kame returned with his unimpressed expression, but Jin caught the faint flicker of the edge of Kame’s lips lifting in the corner.
“You love it really!” He leapt over and hung his arm around Kame’s neck provoking a ‘get-off-me’ look from him that just caused Jin to sigh with a satisfaction. He looked at what Kame was packing.
“What are these…?” Jin’s fingers lightly touched the edge of some dainty blue flowers that Kame now held in his hands. “They’re… I don’t know… quaint?”
Kame paused before saying quietly. “They were my mother’s favourites… she said because they were so small and nothing particularly special they often get over looked, but she loved them; their colour is that of a clear sky.” He smiled and looked down.
“They’re “Ne-m'oublie-pas” - ‘Forget-Me-Not’s'”
Kame bent down in front of the small pot of bright blue lowers and raised his hands to gently touch the petals.
“Ah…Forget-Me-Nots… Pretty, but even better when they flower naturally in the spring.” Kame looked up to see a friendly face grinning down at him. Kame stood up with the pot and nodded.
“Can I take these?”
Kame stepped out of the taxi at the crematorium and stood still for a moment to take in the silence. Despite being situated in one of the busiest most populated cities in the world, this place seemed to be wrapped in its own tranquil bubble, protected from the ups and downs of the outside world. Although he hadn’t visited this place ever since the funeral, his feet could still remember his mother’s ashes final resting place.
He walked through the sheltered walk ways towards his mother’s memorial, listening to the sound of quiet shuffling and murmuring of others here paying respects to their loved ones, feeling the strange mixture of a calm which took him and the multitude of emotions that filled this place.
Kame paused and looked up at the black and white photo of his mother as he reached the small plaque on the wall. He sighed and looked down at his feet.
“Gomen…okasan…”
He slowly reached into the bag which held the small pot of Forget-Me-Not and broke off a small branch. Reaching up to the small vase fixed next to his mother’s name, Kame slotted the plant in and pulled his hand back. He bowed three times in respect before looking up again.
A figure stepped up beside him and laid down a bunch of white lilies.
Kame swerved, his eyes with surprise.
“Forget-Me-Nots…they don’t usually flower this time of year…”
“Ueda…”
Ueda put down his coffee cup and looked up at Kame. “I hadn’t expected you to come back Kamenashi…”
Kame looked up and smiled, but said nothing, and his eyes turned back to the teacup before him. He slowly stirred his lemon tea, stopping every now and then to poke at the lemon a little more.
“You’ve been lucky in a way…It hasn’t been easy these six years after that incident…” Ueda paused. “You know he’s still around somewhere… but I keep out of that area now…as much as I can anyway...”
Kame looked up. “I see…I’m glad for you.”
Ueda chuckled. “You’ve become more distant Kamenashi.” He paused and took a sip of his coffee and leant back, his single left earring gleaming slightly as it caught the faded lights of the café-bar. “I am not the same as you…this is the only thing I could manage. But it’s good and I’m comfortable, the business isn’t bad on the edge - you catch those not so daring, but still want a little excitement.”
Kame glanced around the café-bar. A few of the staff were busily moving the tables and chairs away, dimming the spot lights a little more, and the room immediately took on a different feel. It had a very Western atmosphere, and tastefully decorated. His eyes scanned over the pictures behind the bar now illuminated under a shade of bluey-pink, settling on an artistic shot of a giant red windmill before turning his gaze back to Ueda.
“It’s nice.”
“You’re still uncomfortable being on this side of town aren’t you?” His tone was matter-of-fact. Picking up his coffee cup, he watched the younger man before him with a steady gaze.
Kame shook his head and smiled back. “No it’s fine.”
Ueda laughed and lifted his glasses higher on his nose with his finger. “You’ve always been good at putting up a front, and though it’s become more convincing I can still see through it…”
Kame smirked, looked down then away from Ueda. “Right…”
“You’re still missing him.”
Pause.
“Besides your mother, I’ve only seen one other person whom I’ve seen you completely relaxed around. Six years later and you’ve once again reverted back to the Kamenashi before Akanishi and perfected those defences.”
Kame picked up the spoon and stirred his lemon tea again. Bittersweet.
“You know you should move on…”
Pause.
“Jin… He’s back.”
Ueda’s eyes flicked up in a sudden surprised movement and looked at Kame across the surface of his coffee cup.
Jin exchanged a bow with his clients and saw them off respectively in their taxis. He stood back and watched them as the taxis merged with the busy traffic of the Shinjuku evening.
“Akanishi-san, shall I call your driver?”
He turned and looked at his assistant. “No, thank you. It was a good job tonight. Shall we go for a drink?”
His assistant shook his head and politely declined. “Ah not tonight - taking my girlfriend out.”
Akanishi smirked. “Where are you taking her?”
“See you at work tomorrow Akanishi-san!” grinned his assistant before bowing and departing.
“Oi oi! I was talking to you!”
The man walked off with a back wave leaving Jin a little amused. He stood on the side of the road for a moment and loosened his tie as he pondered what to do.
Shinjuku.
So this was where it all happened six years ago? A curiosity suddenly took him and he ran his hand through his hair and began to walk. His eyes slowly brushing over the bustling surroundings, the bright lights of the advertisements over head, the alluring signs of the bars and night clubs around him; Jin knew he was searching, but he felt like he was searching for the lost pieces of a puzzle of which the final image escapes him.
Turning a corner and down another street, Jin suddenly stopped. Host clubs and strip bars flanked the side of the streets, attractive young bodies move suggestively around him, tempting eyes teased him from beneath long eye-lashes before looking away. Jin knew he should turn and walk the other way, but something inside tugged at him. He could not recognise a single part of this side of town, yet he had a slight feeling of déjà vu: of him standing on a similar street, searching for something…
And that was enough to make him stay.
Kame stepped out onto the pavement and looked down at his watch then up towards the sky. It was snowing lightly. He’d stayed longer than he’d intended, but he hadn’t expected to bump into Ueda. In all honesty Kame felt a little sad to discover that Ueda had not managed to completely break away as he’d done, no, Ueda had not been as ‘lucky’ as him. Yet seeing him comfortable now Kame was happy for him. He’d promise he’d keep in touch and come see him when all the arrangements for his mother had been sorted.
Kame crossed the side of the street and turned a corner. Looking up he stopped short. The bright lights of the advertisements blinked glaringly at him and pretty eyes glanced his way. Kame averted his eyes with disgust and clicked his tongue. He slowly backed away as he felt the thump of his heartbeat pounding steadily faster and the images of that afternoon jabbed his memory.
As he turned away his eyes caught sight of a somewhat drunken figure stumble out of a nearby bar.
Kame’s eyes widened.
Kame slowly helped Jin up to his room and sat him down on his bed. He crouched in front of his shivering friend, head lowered.
“Jin…I’m - I’m sorry…”
“Argh! Don’t get all sentimental on me.” Jin flopped his aching body onto Kame’s bed and tried to stop his body from shivering. Suddenly, he felt a warm blanket cover him. He opened his eyes and found himself staring at Kame’s back. He’d sat down next to him.
Silence.
“Kame…”
No answer.
“Kame!”
Kame’s head jerked towards Jin. “A - are you still cold?”
Jin paused and looked at him. It was the first time he’d seen Kame like this. Kame spaces out a lot, perhaps more than he does, so that was nothing new; yet he’d never seen this vulnerable side of him before, the bitterness mixed with fear in his eyes, the shame which he was trying to hide. He wasn’t quite sure how to react to it. Jin’s hand clenched underneath the blanket, and looked away.
“No…you fool… just go shower before you catch pneumonia or something.”
“Did you-?”
“No Kame, get going before I drag you in there.”
Kame silently nodded and got up. Jin waited until heard the door of the bathroom shut, before closing his eyes and flopping back onto the bed, hissing slightly as the bruises on his sides throbbed.
“Jin!! Get a grip of yourself!! What the hell are you doing here?!” Kame’s eyes were fuming with anger. “For god’s sake Jin!!” He forcefully pulled the wobbling Jin to his feet.
“Ah….hahaha…it’s you…Kameeeenashi…” Jin laughed and waved a hand in front of Kame’s face.
“Jin!!! Cut that out! What the fuck are you doing HERE?! Do you KNOW where this is?!” Kame couldn’t believe this. His heart was racing just from the memories. He felt as if everyone’s eyes were on him again, just like back then. “JIN!!! GET A GRIP!”
Jin let off a loud laugh, “You’re not ….KKKKamenashiiiiii you said you were…hahahahaha”
Kame breathed in sharply and said nothing but simply dragged Jin away as best he could and out into the another street.
“I want to sit dddddddoooooowwwwnnnn….I said I WANT to sit down!!” Jin clumsily tried to push Kame away who clicked his tongue and shot him a warning look.
“Jin. Shut. Up.”
Jin tried to fight Kame off. “I WANT, to SIT, downnn!!!”
“For god’s sake…” Kame helped the drunken Jin to a nearby bench. Jin sat down and slumped his arms over the back of the bench.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
Kame sat down next to him and put his head in his hands. Why him? Why now? Why here?
“This is SOOOOOO funny!!”
Kame chuckled bitterly. Yeah… it was…
“I don’t understand…I don’t understand….hahahaha…”
No….neither does he.
Jin slumped his body onto Kame’s bent frame. Kame froze.
“You ARE Kamenashi…but you’re not Kamenashi… so who’s Jin?” He laughed at himself. “I’m Jin… but you said I’m not Jin - so who am I?”
Bakanishi…
Kame stood in the shower, turning it on full blast and letting the water crash onto him. His hand slowly moved towards the hot tap and turned it up.
The steam rose steadily and curled itself around Kame’s body.
His left hand reached for the sponge and put the rough side against his skin and began to scrub his wrists. Left, right, left, right…get off…the hot water continued to crash on him. His wrist began to turn red. He switched hands, and repeated the routine to his other wrist. Left, right, left, right…get off… he switched hands again.
The steam from the hot water was filling the bathroom.
His hand moved the sponge towards his neck and again, Kame began to scrub mechanically, mindlessly, obsessively…then down towards the rest of his body. Somehow the roughness of the sponge against his skin, felt right. Kame kept rubbing until his skin began to sting from the hot water and being scoured raw. He continued to take the sponge over himself, his wrist, his neck, his shoulders…just get off…
Why did he have to be there tonight…? His hand gripped tighter around the sponge and scraped the surface across his skin.
“…Kame…!”
The steam continued to pour from the shower and now filled every corner of the bathroom.
Why did he have to see that…? Left, right, left, right…is it clean... his skin was raw, but he kept dragging the rugged surface across his wrists, his neck, his shoulders…He didn’t need to be there tonight. There were so many other places he could have gone to, but yet he appeared when he was - he was -
“Kame!!”
The scalding water smashing against his red skin was stinging…
Kame switched the sponge to his other hand again.
“KAME!!!!”
A sharp bang on the door caused Kame to jolt his head towards the bathroom door. He tried to see, but everything seemed out of focus.
“KAME! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?! DROWNING YOURSELF?!”
It was at that point Kame realised that the bathroom had completely filled up with steam. He turned the shower off.
Silence.
“Who am I…? Where do I come from…? Hahaha…so funny…” Kame glanced at Jin who’d fallen momentarily quiet. He never thought that he’d ever feel the weight of Jin’s head on his shoulder again, never dared to imagine that Jin would ever again be leaning on him like this, and even though Kame knew that none of this meant anything, it was as if the whole world around him fell silent and all he could hear and feel was the steady breathing and the weight of Jin’s body resting on his.
“I’m going…to call you…Kame..haha… cos I don’t know who you are…”
Kame remained silent staring at his hands. Kame. Jin’s voice was more sedated and tired.
“Ne…”
Kame turned his head slightly towards Jin slightly, feeling his slow breath against his cheeks.
“I’m…so confused Kame…ha…maybe…you can explain….Kame…it’s cold…”
There was a pause. Slowly, Kame’s arm shifted from under Jin’s and he was about to wrap the body into an embrace, but his arm stopped and hovered over Jin’s back.
Could he? Should he?
Slowly Kame stepped out of the shower, and stumbled. He shook his head and tried to reach for the door. His hand fumbled around until it smacked against the knob. He grabbed for a towel and hastily wrapped it around his middle.
Jin was leaning against the doorframe, his other hand on his hips. What the hell was the guy doing in there? He pulled back as the door opened and a cloud of hot steam hit him.
“Kame - what the fu -?” He stopped mid-sentence as his eyes settled on the wet body in front of him. Kame’s unseeing eyes looking back at him through the curtain of wet hair which clung to the side of his pained face. His body was a sore red from the hot water and merciless cleaning. Jin felt a sudden urge to reach over and touch him, to wrap his arms around the hurting body before him, take away the pain and share the burden.
Pause.
Jin’s hands clenched into a fist. He stepped back away from the door and looked away. “Put some clothes on man…”
“Sorry…”
He watched as Kame somewhat hazily searched about for a T-shirt, the water droplets gleaming under the bedroom light as they slid down his slender back. Kame grabbed a lose T-shirt and slipped it quickly over his head, now embarrassed of his half nakedness and where he’d scrubbed his skin raw. Yet the patches of red on Kame’s body did not fail to slip Jin’s eyes as Kame’s body cooled.
“Kame…”
Kame looked up at Jin.
Pause.
“No…no… it’s nothing…” Jin ran a hand through his hair and looked awkwardly about the room.
Pause.
“I… I think I’d better go. You should get some rest. Don’t think too much yeah?” He pulled a smile across his face. “I’ll let myself out…get some rest…I’ll see you at school yeah?”
Kame watched as Jin swung his coat over his shoulder, and limped out of his room. Kame’s feet would not move. His eyes fell on Jin’s coat which now lay on his bed as his arms crossed in front and tightly grasped around his own sore body. Pulling his shoulders forward as if trying to make himself shrink and disappear, Kame sunk to the floor at the foot of the bed.
“Kame…I don’t understand…what is the truth…what happened… Why did I get into an accident?”
Kame closed his eyes.
“Why… do I know this place... it’s not quite right is it… hahaha…”
Could he? Should he?
“Why did they have to tell me….Kammmee… I didn’t have to know the truth… is it the truth…? Why didn’t they just… leave me alone?”
Kame’s hand clenched into a fist.
“I’m so confused…”
He pulled back his arm and looked away. The sounds of the lively Shinjuku night once more jarring his ears.
“You know you should move on…”
Someone told him once that the heart takes time to heal.
Kame gently leant Jin back onto the bench and looked for his mobile in his jacket. Opening the contacts he dialled.
He had paused and returned the comment.
“Sumimasen…Nishikido-san? It’s Kamenashi. Sorry to bother you so late, but Akanishi-san had a little too much to drink. Could you send someone to pick him up or shall I bring him home?”
He had replied what if it never healed?
“Kamenashi-san?”
Kame stood up and dipped his head, which Matsumi returned to with low bow. “I’m sorry for my fiancé troubling you. He’s not often like this.”
Kame shook his head and smiled. “It’s fine. Don’t worry.”
The driver had stepped out and helped the half sleeping Jin into the car. Kame politely followed Matsumi to the side door. She bowed again. “Thank you and apologies again. He is fortunate that you happened to pass by the area.”
“You’re welcome. I think he will be fine in the morning.”
“Yes, thank you Kamenashi-san. I think some past memories are bothering him again,” she frowned worryingly. “I had suggested that we invite some of his old high school friends for dinner now that we’re back in Tokyo. I think it’d be good for him.” She paused and looked at Kame.
Kame put his hands into his pocket and nodded.
“Why don’t you come too Kamenashi-san? It’d be a good way for me to thank you too.” She beamed at him. “I’ll tell Jin when he wakes. Well take care, Kamenashi-san. Good night.” She ducked into the car and Kame watched it merge with the night traffic.
Past memories...
His hand clutched tightly around a silver keyring in his pocket.
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Long chapter - to make up for updating late...^.^;; Hope you guys enjoyed it.