Negging
Well, this was a completely wasted evening. One of the guys from the dojo wanted to do dinner tonight and I accepted, knowing that he understood we were just friends. We've known each other on and off for about three years, but never outside of class. I've always liked him and we laugh a lot during class
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Even the most beautiful people--perhaps especially the most beautiful--connect far better with an appreciation for who they are than with appreciation for their beauty. I know it's a bit cliche, but there is something to the old bit about incredibly beautiful people finding it hard to know when they are loved for their beauty and when they are loved for themselves, and the best among them know that the beauty isn't enough.
"And they are a little vain, knowing themselves to be the most beautiful creatures in the world."
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Maybe I'm naive, but it seems to me that if you have a genuine appreciation for who a person is outside of their appearance, that comes through in the "hitting on" process. (And perhaps we should rename that process to reduce the implication of objectification.)
If you don't have a genuine appreciation, then their reaction may well be justified. Why manipulate the situation? Because they're hot?? Let's get the brains up above the waistline here.
And if they're going to brush you off automatically regardless, then forget them. Their loss.
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As to the genuine appreciation, the problem is that this is more about introductions--you don't know the person, you're physically attracted to them, and you want to say hello and have a way of learning whether they're actually beautiful, which you can't do based on whether or not they're hot. That means having more than a half-second with them (usually). What I suggested--the affected neutrality, or something to show disinterest in a non-hurtful way that isn't directly about them, while still going to talk with someone in the group they're in or join the conversation in a way that doesn't orient towards her--can give you more than that half-second, and it's no more manipulative of the situation than, for example, when you wait more than an hour to call someone after you get their phone number, even if you wouldn't mind giving them a ring right away.
The problem on the "their loss" bit is that it is their loss, but it may also be yours. We know that we are good people, and there's nothing arrogant about that--we know that we can love someone in a wonderful way and how much we have to give. So we know it's their loss--but we don't know it isn't also our loss until we know something about the person. We don't know it isn't a loss for all of our friends, who might know someone who might be wonderful.
And of course there's something to love in almost anyone, but in the larger scheme of things, on the off-chance someone really is right for you, you want the chance to figure that out, to learn that someone is beautiful, and not merely hot.
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Perhaps what you're talking about is different. Based on your description, it sounds like getting more than half a second is like trying to get to know someone who is shy. Talk to the group instead of directly to the shy person as a way of making them feel more comfortable and allowing them more sides of you than their initial impression. Give them time to see YOU as a person and see if they are then open to more direct conversation.
However, if after your good faith efforts, they're going to blow you off and dismiss you because they can't see beyond appearances and get over the kneejerk "buh--bye" reaction, then let them go. At that point it is purely their loss.
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1) "If the beautiful people are b*tches, why would you want to be with them anyway?" Because they are the beautiful people. Men can be shallow. They want the trophy under the arm.
2) Many times those in the not-so-beautiful crowd are wronged in some way (or at least think they were) by a so-called beautiful person. By negging, they can not only enact a little retribution, but get the prize(see #1).
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Isn't there some point where you realize that you've been slamming your head into the beautiful people wall over and over and that maybe you should just stop?
*various strangled sounds of frustration*
Obviously we're in guyville here. I need a translator.
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Somewhat related to the thread, I remember once being reprimanded for supposedly being shallow and only being into a certain "type". Not a day later the other party made some comment about a "totally hunky guy" she "wouldn't mind hooking up with". An assessment made without any knowledge of character.
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And you are a totally hunky guy. Ask Jaime. :D
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One thought just occurred to me. I'm surprised your dinner date actually discussed his philosophy. If you want to mess with him, pretend to get all pissed with him (or do it for real). Say you're insulted that he doesn't see you as "worthy" of being a target of negging, hence why he told you. :)
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And that's a great idea. Happy to implement it if he were worth the time. :)
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