If everyone could log in as me, there would be no need for private entries.
Today was the first day back to school after having a week off and I get the feeling that I don't belong there anymore. My routine stops between classes were avoided by the position I seemed to hold all day. The position that involved me with my head toward the ground. It's not that I don't like the people I used to talk to. It's just that I get the feeling that even if I wasn't there their lives would go on unaffected, as if I never existed.
The only person that I would have expected to care, did. As I layed under that tree with the sun beating down on me he was the only person who attempted to initiate conversation.
There's nothing really wrong with me and I would have liked to talk to him but I was given the worst night of sleep last night. The kind of sleep where you close your eyes for what feels like only a few seconds but winds up being 3 hours of the most useless sleep. The kind of sleep that doesn't even give you the slightest bit of anticipation to start your day. Anticipation that I replace with enough caffiene to get me going for at least 10 hours. Maybe after taking tomorrow off I'll be motivated to associate with people...
*****
Luckily my days will no longer start out with words about the acts of war that hang in the air like an eagle waiting for the right moment to devour it's helpless snack. Instead I will spend the first hour learning about the Holocaust, a matter just as happy I might add. My teacher has been covering this part of history for somewhere in the neighborhood of 6-7 years. I have never been too interested or moved by this topic but that is more or less due to the fact that I let it go in one ear and exit out the other. There's something different about the course this time, maybe there's something different about me. Whichever it is, I'm eager to learn more.
I believe in the sun
Even when it is not shining.
I believe in love
Even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God
Even when He is silent.
-Found on the walls of a cellar in Cologne where Jews were hidden-
*****
Lately I've been waiting anxiously for someone to just yell, "Action!" and get life rolling. All these projects and planned events are leaving me on the verge of insanity. I want my life to be filled, like my room, with a lack of organization. I want there to be surprises that leave me without an answer. I want some sort of struggle in order to find my place in the world. A place that isn't limited to the basic stereotypes of a highschool student. I want to be able to sit at my desk racking my brain for ideas on what to draw or something clever to write about otherwise go hungry for another night in a row. I want a certain amount of free time designated to forgetting everything and letting my imagination run wild.
I miss being able to leave things to my imagination. It seems that lately nothing is imaginative and my thoughts are consistently about something real. I remember being in elementary school, with no trouble at all, writing some of the most creative stories. Sure my head was being pumped full of images involving pigs, wolves, dragons, etc. But I don't think it would be hard to get myself thinking like that again.
*****
Mom has been trying to talk to me and get closer to me. She attempted to set up a day where we could organize my room and bond. Tonight she asked me if I would wake up at 5, and even though I wouldn't be going to school, have coffee and cheerios with her and Jim. I wasn't too hip to the idea of family togetherness at first, maybe because of this (lack of) sleep pattern I've developed, but now I kind of like it. We had a nice dinner tonight and although I didn't say much because I had just woken up, I enjoyed myself. So with that said I think I will set my alarm and join the family tomorrow morning.
*****
Supposedly we're looking to buy a house. The one I hear them talking about the most is across the street from my Grandma's. Family Feud?!
The only person that I would have expected to care, did. As I layed under that tree with the sun beating down on me he was the only person who attempted to initiate conversation.
There's nothing really wrong with me and I would have liked to talk to him but I was given the worst night of sleep last night. The kind of sleep where you close your eyes for what feels like only a few seconds but winds up being 3 hours of the most useless sleep. The kind of sleep that doesn't even give you the slightest bit of anticipation to start your day. Anticipation that I replace with enough caffiene to get me going for at least 10 hours. Maybe after taking tomorrow off I'll be motivated to associate with people...
*****
Luckily my days will no longer start out with words about the acts of war that hang in the air like an eagle waiting for the right moment to devour it's helpless snack. Instead I will spend the first hour learning about the Holocaust, a matter just as happy I might add. My teacher has been covering this part of history for somewhere in the neighborhood of 6-7 years. I have never been too interested or moved by this topic but that is more or less due to the fact that I let it go in one ear and exit out the other. There's something different about the course this time, maybe there's something different about me. Whichever it is, I'm eager to learn more.
I believe in the sun
Even when it is not shining.
I believe in love
Even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God
Even when He is silent.
-Found on the walls of a cellar in Cologne where Jews were hidden-
*****
Lately I've been waiting anxiously for someone to just yell, "Action!" and get life rolling. All these projects and planned events are leaving me on the verge of insanity. I want my life to be filled, like my room, with a lack of organization. I want there to be surprises that leave me without an answer. I want some sort of struggle in order to find my place in the world. A place that isn't limited to the basic stereotypes of a highschool student. I want to be able to sit at my desk racking my brain for ideas on what to draw or something clever to write about otherwise go hungry for another night in a row. I want a certain amount of free time designated to forgetting everything and letting my imagination run wild.
I miss being able to leave things to my imagination. It seems that lately nothing is imaginative and my thoughts are consistently about something real. I remember being in elementary school, with no trouble at all, writing some of the most creative stories. Sure my head was being pumped full of images involving pigs, wolves, dragons, etc. But I don't think it would be hard to get myself thinking like that again.
*****
Mom has been trying to talk to me and get closer to me. She attempted to set up a day where we could organize my room and bond. Tonight she asked me if I would wake up at 5, and even though I wouldn't be going to school, have coffee and cheerios with her and Jim. I wasn't too hip to the idea of family togetherness at first, maybe because of this (lack of) sleep pattern I've developed, but now I kind of like it. We had a nice dinner tonight and although I didn't say much because I had just woken up, I enjoyed myself. So with that said I think I will set my alarm and join the family tomorrow morning.
*****
Supposedly we're looking to buy a house. The one I hear them talking about the most is across the street from my Grandma's. Family Feud?!