Where were you all week? And why were you such a jerk?*
Today was sprinkled with suck, apparently. Consider that it started with my not getting out of the elevator at warp speed, so that it flew right back up to the very top floor when a neighbour rang it. "But I saw the button go dark," he said, referring to the "I'm free! Call me!" button. Yeah, but dude, you have to give me time to get out once the elevator lands.
Then there was work. Work was frustrating because I'm editing the format of a bunch of articles for a collection, and by gods are the articles in some serious need of formatting. Some only give half their references, others throw in copy/pasted lists, and still others decide that one-line paragraphs are teh awesome. Why can't people do things right the first time, or at least be consistent in their own article?
But that wasn't it, either. The office is cold. Like, very cold. Like, I wear wool sweaters and fingerless gloves and sit next to the portable radiator while the heater is rumbling on in the background. That's cold. But my co-worker - the substitute secretary who's from round-about my generation - insists on forgetting to close the door behind her whenever she leaves the room. Now, the hallway could keep meat fresh for a week, and just opening the door lets in a Son of Arctic Wind kind of breeze, and my desk is right next to the door, meaning I get to enjoy the wonders of the cold, cold hallway. Every time she goes in and out, save for like 5%, I have to get up and close the door behind her. Seriously, if your co-worker is huddled by the radiator wearing gloves and has her hoodie up and is obsessively closing the door, do her a favour and close the motherfucking door. And yesterday she was all, "Oh, it's probably warm where you come from," and that's why I'm such a delicate cold-burnt flower, which just makes my blood boil because cold is cold, no matter what nationality your passport says, and unless I just materialized from "my country" in my skivvies, then it doesn't matter what temperatures I was used to years back because here, now, it's cold. But at least I was all, "I've lived in Canada, bitch," and oh snap! And by the way, Canada - like a lot of other countries - actually has heating that works and you don't need to wear three woolen layers in the office as you pine for your coat and press your fingers to the raditor.
And she's sitting in front of the actual heater and not in the direct line of fire of the Arctic Hallway Wind or just coming in from walking in the street with her coat and is all exclaiming, "Wow, it's hot in here!" and leave the door open because obviously the other two people who've been sitting in the very cold, very badly insulated office sorely wishing they could put on their coats and not look foolish, or maybe sit on the radiator, weren't actually trying to keep the room warm. No. Of course not.
There's other things of hers that piss me off, too, like if she needs to photocopy something and I'm using the scanner, I'm supposed to drop everything and hand her the machine on a golden platter and then she never says she's finished or dawdles between tasks so I'm sitting there staring at nothing because I can't work until she gets her shit together. Or she'll need to print address stickers from my computer and again, "Drop everything now! I will not wait!"
But it's the door thing that just made me crawl up the wall today.
Also, my mother's back, as I might have mentioned, and we're back to me sucking and me not being able to breathe without being a rude daughter and obviously not even trying to get out of a house I'm just leeching off of which I am trying to keep my head together and not die a little support would be nice. Saying I suck and will never amount to anything and don't want to do anything and am a ball of suck? Really not motivating. Especially when my motivation is currently crying at the bottom of a well with both its legs broken and nothing but a brick for company.
Sometimes I think I really should just pick up and move somewhere far away and then look for a job there. Like, just pack a suitcase and fly to Dublin and say, "I wants job! Will take anything!" Because I don't want a job in Rome and I don't want to live here and I can't get it together enough to do anything about it and of course it's all my fault but that's not helping me do anything and yes, independence, and yes, do-it-yourself, and yes, bootstrap-the-fuck-out-of-that-Bill, but damn it, there's only so much you can do alone or even with people bringing you down.
Speaking of, my dad keeps talking to people from Organization and trying to see if I can get in somewhere and I don't want to because okay, sure, great opportunity and all that shite, right, but it's my mother's possibly highly delusional "oh, your life will be fixed!" dream that I work at Organization (if I can't get into the EU, of course, riiiight) and shouldn't I be the one involved in the "can has job, yes?" process? But no one's asked me if I want that, if I want to work there - in fact, my supervisor at my internship has shown more care and concern about my job hunt and what I want to do with my life and my concerns and feeling and all that than my actual parents. Also because it's like right around the goddamn corner and I don't want to live here because living with my parents - my mother - is honestly bad for me. Like, I go coo-coo. Bad. (That is not to say that I'm not coo-coo in a badbadbad way when I'm on my own, but hot damn, at least then it's me who's doing it. Better no social support than a social bat to the head.)
I think you can see why I'm not really up to posting or writing or anything at all these days. Like, I have a queue list on YouTube from October, and a fanfic I haven't touched in almost four months, and fanmixes that have been live for two months and still haven't been pimped, and it took me like two weeks to revise my CV and all I've done of job hunting is make a list of the thirty or forty search engine websites I know and I just get crushed thingking about it because there's nothing I feel I can do and there's nothing I would like to do on account of having all those dreams crushed or dashed or abandoned. As for the other dreams, the ones I only learnt later were a potential option, well crikey, it's too damn late for that. It's not like I can go and study medicine or veterinary or forensics or anything like that. It's too late for that, or at least not the right time now because oh hai moneys and lack of skills and knowledge.
AND I KEEP GETTING SPAM COMMENTS ON MONTHS-OLD LIVEJOURNAL POSTS WTF.
Meme: Good Things:
Day 13: I had the house to myself for the almost-three hours between internship and German. Also, there were cookies.
Day 14: I watched New Moon with Rifftrax. What, it made ma laugh.
Day 15: ...I'm going to watch John Simm and Philip Glenister and other people be awesome on mad Dogs 1x02 and it will be good.
Quote of the Day: cleolinda quotes her mother, here
"Your job," she says, "is to call for help."
Links of the Day:
Supernatural:
kimberlyfdr's Review Unforgiven
sylvia_bond's Review Unforgiven
water_fowl182's Review Unforgiven
skullage's RPFic Bid Farewell to a Thousand Hopes
sakuri69"s Fanvid TV Land: Gabriel's Plan B - A/N: "I used the Pepsi ads. IT HAD TO BE DONE, OKAY?"
lsketch42's Fanvid Trailer Give 'Em Hell
deirdre_c's Fanvid Fudge You, Sassy
petite_madame's Fanart Masterpost
vicious_sock's Fanart Grounded
bonestoss' Fanart SPN V-Day
xafirah's Icons Ruby (and Genevieve)
kros_21's Icons
Hasitall's GIFs 1x11 - Dean Smiling, Hurt Dean, Impala
missyjack's embed LA Con - Breakfast, Clip 3 - On his new dog, Oscar
LittleRavenHawk's LA Con Misha Collins - On slash and what he thinks of fans - ♥!
JensAngel1's YouTube Channel - LA Con
SupernaturalSam2011's YouTube Channel - LA Con Panels
Zap2It's Jensen Ackles gets chivalrous, says love scenes are 'not a free show' ; Jensen Ackles says the classic rock is coming back - \o/
Indiechick's On the Jam Session with Jason and Jensen
SupernaturalWiki's Cast Birthdays
Doctor Who:
greenpear's Fanvid True Who - True Blood style
spittingfish's Picspam The Top 5 Men of Time and Space
True Blood:
Blog True Blood Capture
Human Target:
wptjeh's The show's future
Other Fandom:
qthewetsprocket's Mad Dogs Review 1x02
marylou_gr's The Two Towers Picspam Scenery and Production Design
zqfans' Trailer Girl Walks into a Bar
avadriel's Twilight Review
otahyoni's Twilight Review and "Number of times..."
Spoony's New Moon Review
EW's Firefly Interview 'Firefly' returning to cable; Fillion says he'd play Mal again
Multifandom:
xxsafixx's Banners - SG1, X-Files, Supernatural, Doctor Who, Sanctuary
Random:
qthewetsprocket's On Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist - "Bob Flanagan became a "supermasochist" largely as a coping mechanism to deal with the constant pain of CF, a disease that usually kills its victims in childhood or by their early twenties. Another coping mechanism was his art, and a gloriously warped sense of humour."
prettybutt's 30 Day Muse Challenge - Is that...Harmony (Mercedes Mcnab) in the video? o.0
extemporanea's Recipe Evil Landlord Favourite Crème Caramel
greygirlbeast's These two covers should not look this alike
theweaselking's In Kansas, Republicans can just TELL who all the illegals are just by looking at them. It's their superpower, didn't you know. (Hint: It's the "olive complexion". No, really.) - LET ME SHOW YOU MY FROWNY FACE! ; Cthulhu Rex
wtf_sexism's God, Women, and Religious Inequality ; No One Killed Jessica Trailer
wtf_nature's A boy without a cerebellum learns to walk
Jewel Staite's Food Blog Happy Opu
StarShipSofa's Number 176 - Free Caitlín R. Kiernan story
Jack London's The People of the Abyss and cleolinda's Discussion
Halt! Suppenzeit's Social Media Explained ; Forever Alone: Bus Girl Dream (Inception, "We Must Go Deeper)
Mighty GOd King's The Internet Nice Guy Rears His Ugly Head Once More - Yes, I've linked this before, but hot damn is it worth rereading.
Smart Bitches, Trashy Books Review Pregnesia - As discussed in made_of_fail_pc's episode for New Moon.
* cleolinda, Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
Then there was work. Work was frustrating because I'm editing the format of a bunch of articles for a collection, and by gods are the articles in some serious need of formatting. Some only give half their references, others throw in copy/pasted lists, and still others decide that one-line paragraphs are teh awesome. Why can't people do things right the first time, or at least be consistent in their own article?
But that wasn't it, either. The office is cold. Like, very cold. Like, I wear wool sweaters and fingerless gloves and sit next to the portable radiator while the heater is rumbling on in the background. That's cold. But my co-worker - the substitute secretary who's from round-about my generation - insists on forgetting to close the door behind her whenever she leaves the room. Now, the hallway could keep meat fresh for a week, and just opening the door lets in a Son of Arctic Wind kind of breeze, and my desk is right next to the door, meaning I get to enjoy the wonders of the cold, cold hallway. Every time she goes in and out, save for like 5%, I have to get up and close the door behind her. Seriously, if your co-worker is huddled by the radiator wearing gloves and has her hoodie up and is obsessively closing the door, do her a favour and close the motherfucking door. And yesterday she was all, "Oh, it's probably warm where you come from," and that's why I'm such a delicate cold-burnt flower, which just makes my blood boil because cold is cold, no matter what nationality your passport says, and unless I just materialized from "my country" in my skivvies, then it doesn't matter what temperatures I was used to years back because here, now, it's cold. But at least I was all, "I've lived in Canada, bitch," and oh snap! And by the way, Canada - like a lot of other countries - actually has heating that works and you don't need to wear three woolen layers in the office as you pine for your coat and press your fingers to the raditor.
And she's sitting in front of the actual heater and not in the direct line of fire of the Arctic Hallway Wind or just coming in from walking in the street with her coat and is all exclaiming, "Wow, it's hot in here!" and leave the door open because obviously the other two people who've been sitting in the very cold, very badly insulated office sorely wishing they could put on their coats and not look foolish, or maybe sit on the radiator, weren't actually trying to keep the room warm. No. Of course not.
There's other things of hers that piss me off, too, like if she needs to photocopy something and I'm using the scanner, I'm supposed to drop everything and hand her the machine on a golden platter and then she never says she's finished or dawdles between tasks so I'm sitting there staring at nothing because I can't work until she gets her shit together. Or she'll need to print address stickers from my computer and again, "Drop everything now! I will not wait!"
But it's the door thing that just made me crawl up the wall today.
Also, my mother's back, as I might have mentioned, and we're back to me sucking and me not being able to breathe without being a rude daughter and obviously not even trying to get out of a house I'm just leeching off of which I am trying to keep my head together and not die a little support would be nice. Saying I suck and will never amount to anything and don't want to do anything and am a ball of suck? Really not motivating. Especially when my motivation is currently crying at the bottom of a well with both its legs broken and nothing but a brick for company.
Sometimes I think I really should just pick up and move somewhere far away and then look for a job there. Like, just pack a suitcase and fly to Dublin and say, "I wants job! Will take anything!" Because I don't want a job in Rome and I don't want to live here and I can't get it together enough to do anything about it and of course it's all my fault but that's not helping me do anything and yes, independence, and yes, do-it-yourself, and yes, bootstrap-the-fuck-out-of-that-Bill, but damn it, there's only so much you can do alone or even with people bringing you down.
Speaking of, my dad keeps talking to people from Organization and trying to see if I can get in somewhere and I don't want to because okay, sure, great opportunity and all that shite, right, but it's my mother's possibly highly delusional "oh, your life will be fixed!" dream that I work at Organization (if I can't get into the EU, of course, riiiight) and shouldn't I be the one involved in the "can has job, yes?" process? But no one's asked me if I want that, if I want to work there - in fact, my supervisor at my internship has shown more care and concern about my job hunt and what I want to do with my life and my concerns and feeling and all that than my actual parents. Also because it's like right around the goddamn corner and I don't want to live here because living with my parents - my mother - is honestly bad for me. Like, I go coo-coo. Bad. (That is not to say that I'm not coo-coo in a badbadbad way when I'm on my own, but hot damn, at least then it's me who's doing it. Better no social support than a social bat to the head.)
I think you can see why I'm not really up to posting or writing or anything at all these days. Like, I have a queue list on YouTube from October, and a fanfic I haven't touched in almost four months, and fanmixes that have been live for two months and still haven't been pimped, and it took me like two weeks to revise my CV and all I've done of job hunting is make a list of the thirty or forty search engine websites I know and I just get crushed thingking about it because there's nothing I feel I can do and there's nothing I would like to do on account of having all those dreams crushed or dashed or abandoned. As for the other dreams, the ones I only learnt later were a potential option, well crikey, it's too damn late for that. It's not like I can go and study medicine or veterinary or forensics or anything like that. It's too late for that, or at least not the right time now because oh hai moneys and lack of skills and knowledge.
AND I KEEP GETTING SPAM COMMENTS ON MONTHS-OLD LIVEJOURNAL POSTS WTF.
Meme: Good Things:
Day 13: I had the house to myself for the almost-three hours between internship and German. Also, there were cookies.
Day 14: I watched New Moon with Rifftrax. What, it made ma laugh.
Day 15: ...I'm going to watch John Simm and Philip Glenister and other people be awesome on mad Dogs 1x02 and it will be good.
Quote of the Day: cleolinda quotes her mother, here
"Your job," she says, "is to call for help."
Links of the Day:
Supernatural:
kimberlyfdr's Review Unforgiven
sylvia_bond's Review Unforgiven
water_fowl182's Review Unforgiven
skullage's RPFic Bid Farewell to a Thousand Hopes
sakuri69"s Fanvid TV Land: Gabriel's Plan B - A/N: "I used the Pepsi ads. IT HAD TO BE DONE, OKAY?"
lsketch42's Fanvid Trailer Give 'Em Hell
deirdre_c's Fanvid Fudge You, Sassy
petite_madame's Fanart Masterpost
vicious_sock's Fanart Grounded
bonestoss' Fanart SPN V-Day
xafirah's Icons Ruby (and Genevieve)
kros_21's Icons
Hasitall's GIFs 1x11 - Dean Smiling, Hurt Dean, Impala
missyjack's embed LA Con - Breakfast, Clip 3 - On his new dog, Oscar
LittleRavenHawk's LA Con Misha Collins - On slash and what he thinks of fans - ♥!
JensAngel1's YouTube Channel - LA Con
SupernaturalSam2011's YouTube Channel - LA Con Panels
Zap2It's Jensen Ackles gets chivalrous, says love scenes are 'not a free show' ; Jensen Ackles says the classic rock is coming back - \o/
Indiechick's On the Jam Session with Jason and Jensen
SupernaturalWiki's Cast Birthdays
Doctor Who:
greenpear's Fanvid True Who - True Blood style
spittingfish's Picspam The Top 5 Men of Time and Space
True Blood:
Blog True Blood Capture
Human Target:
wptjeh's The show's future
Other Fandom:
qthewetsprocket's Mad Dogs Review 1x02
marylou_gr's The Two Towers Picspam Scenery and Production Design
zqfans' Trailer Girl Walks into a Bar
avadriel's Twilight Review
otahyoni's Twilight Review and "Number of times..."
Spoony's New Moon Review
EW's Firefly Interview 'Firefly' returning to cable; Fillion says he'd play Mal again
Multifandom:
xxsafixx's Banners - SG1, X-Files, Supernatural, Doctor Who, Sanctuary
Random:
qthewetsprocket's On Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist - "Bob Flanagan became a "supermasochist" largely as a coping mechanism to deal with the constant pain of CF, a disease that usually kills its victims in childhood or by their early twenties. Another coping mechanism was his art, and a gloriously warped sense of humour."
prettybutt's 30 Day Muse Challenge - Is that...Harmony (Mercedes Mcnab) in the video? o.0
extemporanea's Recipe Evil Landlord Favourite Crème Caramel
greygirlbeast's These two covers should not look this alike
theweaselking's In Kansas, Republicans can just TELL who all the illegals are just by looking at them. It's their superpower, didn't you know. (Hint: It's the "olive complexion". No, really.) - LET ME SHOW YOU MY FROWNY FACE! ; Cthulhu Rex
wtf_sexism's God, Women, and Religious Inequality ; No One Killed Jessica Trailer
wtf_nature's A boy without a cerebellum learns to walk
Jewel Staite's Food Blog Happy Opu
StarShipSofa's Number 176 - Free Caitlín R. Kiernan story
Jack London's The People of the Abyss and cleolinda's Discussion
Halt! Suppenzeit's Social Media Explained ; Forever Alone: Bus Girl Dream (Inception, "We Must Go Deeper)
Mighty GOd King's The Internet Nice Guy Rears His Ugly Head Once More - Yes, I've linked this before, but hot damn is it worth rereading.
Smart Bitches, Trashy Books Review Pregnesia - As discussed in made_of_fail_pc's episode for New Moon.
* cleolinda, Twilight in Fifteen Minutes