So then what happened?*
Sickle's Review: Devour (2005)
I'll admit to watching this for my love of Jensen Ackles and my occasional need for horror films. I'd watched bits on YouTube - including the sex scene and the ending - but that didn't detract from the film (which, granted, isn't fantastic or even well-plotted, but it's watchable and low on the facepalming factor). I rather liked it, all in all.
Crossposted to entirelyjensen here, acklesaholics here, dean_sam here
Trailer:
Best of Devour: Highlights
The main complaint about the movie, it seems, is that it jumps through a dozen different focuses and feels like it's been put together from bits strewn on the cutting floor. I mean, it starts off being a movie about a live role-play game, then about murders, then about Satanists, then about the Devil and its Antichrist. Reading over Wiki's plot summary makes it seem way, way more cohesive that it really is.
Let us begin...
And the reason we're watching:
The opening credits seem to have gone a bit overborad in the BLOOD! OMINOUS MUSIC! ZOOM! TAXIDERMY! WEE LITTLE ADORABLE JENSEN! way of things. (Which is unfortunate because it basically tells you the whole movie in DOOOOOOM version, with a dash of adorable.)
See how wee and adorable?
And of course, we've all seen this photo before:
I say OMINOUS MUSIC but really, apart from the too-on-the-nose lyrics - "Vanish in me, disappearing, falling. This is not what you want to hear" - the music is pretty neat (and possibly spoilers for the movie, which, oy.) It's "Monkey" by Proto.
Also, the actual graphics and effects are pretty awesome, even if we're going to see them all over again in context.
***
You better get used to the Red Lens of Doom. They're going to use it. A lot. In fact, it's how we start the movie.
Meet Jake, played by Jensen Ackles. He'll be the main protagonist and eye-candy for the evening.
Jake, why the fuck are you not wearing a big neon orange PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME DEAD jacket whilst out hunting? You foo'!
Oh, that's right, because you're not going to be shot dear but get attacked by the great hoverkitty ( whirrr) of prophetic doom. Because cougars just leap out at unsuspecting hunters from great heights all the time. I am tired of movies depicting predators as these constantly growling things. When a cougar's hunting, it's not going to roar.
Also, that is one tiny cougar you're gutting. (Is that even legal?)
The burying of the cougar's organs does get explained later in the film but other than that is pretty useless because it does nothing in terms of plot or characterization. Basically, all it says is, "Oh hai mysticism! Also, Jake and Uncle are close hunting budies! D'aww, people!"
But hush! Did I hear a baby? Movie, are you being...subtle? Our hero investigates.
Jensen, take that silly tuque off, I can't see your brilliant hair.
Our hero investigates a cabin in the woods from which strange sounds are coming. (After ineffectually wipping his very, very bloody hands on his jacket for a moment before thinking better of it.)
Ack! Blood on the door and the windows!
Mysterious Naked Woman is crying on the floor. Unfortunately, she doesn't take kindly to being investigated on by cute boys in tuques. She attacks! With a snake!
Gnah! Snakes don't rip off skin with a bite. *cringes*
But surprise! It was all a vision or hallucination or Red Lens of Doom.
***
Skip to Jake and his forays into obtaining an education. Oh, Jensen, narrate some more. *happy Sickle is happy*
Jake's friend, Conrad, only has the fact that he's ginger going for him. Apart from that, he seems to be the victim of parental abuse and bullying. He self medicates with pot. *Sickle stares at Conrad* Seriously, you're smoking pot in public on the main campus? What backwater school are you at?
...is that Dean's jacket? (Not really, but damn.)
Our list of characters increases marginally with the addition of Random Guy Inna Car aka Darius (seriously) who seems to be on good terms with Jake and on the opposite of that with Conrad. Darius asks if Jake's going to play football next year. *sigh* Oh, of course, Jake's a jock.
Conrad, on the other hand, is Super Creepy Extraordinare and, after staring at the flavour of the week sitting shotgun in Darius's car, he gets a tiny bit jumpy.
Jake's wearing Dean Winchester's "I don't get paid enough for this crap" look and I love it. Conrad, on the other and, is still Super Creepy Estraordinaire. The reason behind this? Conrad's got a gun he wants to introduce Darius to. Jake thinks otherwise and takes the gun.
Uh, Jake, what the hell do you think you're going to do with the gun now? I mean, great, you took it off your pothead murderous friend so he doesn't go to jail, but... What about you? You're too pretty to go to jail! (On the other hand, that is a sexy way to hide a gun. Or maybe it's just the general package.)
***
Skip to a lecture - why do university lectures in movies always sound like rambliy introductions instead of marathon powerpoint slide presentations? - and meet Dakota, a blonde reported to have slept with Jake and all his friends (not that we get to meet said friends) and has been sexually abused by her father and is being sexually harrassed by Skeavy Professor. You'd think she'd be a more interesting character, yet my innitial notes read, "Oooh, bitchy blonde. This is me not liking you."
Also, "oops! I dropped the pen! Let me pick it up in an incredibly suggestive manner." It's Jake's birthday, after all.
Apart from the lovely view, Dakota's brought a bottle of wine for Jake. Seeing the bottle, the professor says, "What are we to make of this dyonesian offer?" to which Dakota answers "Mimosas," to laughter all around. I don't get it. Seriously, how is that funny?
The scene ends there. Since when do professors just randomly stop and say, "That's enough for today?" You have to wrap up, damnit! Not ramble at students at whim.
***
Skip to Jake being smart and throwing Conrad's gun into a lake.
That is one gorgeous lake. Shame it has a ghost at the bottom ready to drown you. Ain't that right, Dean?
***
Skip to Jake working at a computer repair shop when a pretty customer - Marisol - walks in.
Y'all remember that smile of Dean's in Season 1, when he's got a pen in his mouth? Here's the exact same smile, sans pen.
Jake sets right to work with Marisol's computer. All he has to go with is the brilliant "it just stopped working" but somehow he knows just where to start.
Funny. I can't just lift bits off my laptop. Not without a screwdriver at least.
Now, nowing how the film ends and who everyone is, this scene makes me o, "Ooooh! The Devil gets to you through computers! I see what you did there, movie!"
The crippling problem with Marisol's laptop? Wax. From her Tarot cards. Just think about that for a moment. "From my tarot cards" doesn't explain how the wax got into her computer without her noticing it splattered all over the keyboard.
So Jake and Marisol flirt over Tarot cards: "They help you see the future, right?" "Yeah. And the past." Ooh, plot! Or at least consistency.
Jake flirts so much that he doesn't charge Marisol for the wax job. His boss is not pleased and docks it from Jake's pay. At Jake's "What?!?", the boss is all, "Please, watch your fucking language." *snerk*
***
Skip to Jake getting home. Why is there a giant stagnant pool in front of his house? Is this a metaphor thing? Is something putrid in the state of Iowa?
Excuse me while I have a moment of real estate envy.
Jake's welcomed home by his father and a birthday cake.
Hey, Jake, be glad it's not a single solitary muffin with a candle. Plus, its chocolate.
Anway, this sad little candle conmemorates Jake's eighteenth birthday, which mean's he's definitely going out drinking with his friends. "I'm legal." Right, that American thing of suddenly being legal to drink, ergo you have to get plastered. *sigh*
But that's not why we're watching. The reason is the pretty!
***
Skip to the parrrr-tay! Wow, Jensen was lean five years ago.
Dakota jumps Jake with excessive exhuberance. She's been drowning her sorrows after having had a talk with Sceavy Professor. He had a rather succinct ultimatum: "Fuck or fail." Seriously, there's no one she can report that to? Seriously?
So Dakota is pretty drunk yet she had the precence of mind to fix her runny mascara?
***
Skip to Jake, Conrad and Dakota hiding out in a bedroom while the rest of the party goes on downstairs.
*self-inserts like mad*
I believe this is what we call neck porn, yes? Unf.
Jake gives us some backstory on the Red Lens of Doom. Turns out he's been having these intrusive vision all his life. Wow, Jake's having intrusive violent fantacies. And sexual ones. Obviously, he must be the antichrist. *rolls eyes*
While Jake's enjoying snuggling Dakota, Conrad's been signing them up for a live on-line roleplaying game, entering all sorts of personal information. This makes me go a bit McShouty at Conrad:
Why the fuck are you giving out your address to the internet? Wrong! And your phone number? What are you, twelve?!? And it's getting access to your personal files?!? And your bank account?!? Have you learnt nothing from the internet? *flails*
I might cut them some slack because they're supposedly hammered, although only Dakota shows it. "Oh God, I'm so drunk!" I'll admit to being uneasy at a girl saying this when flanked by two guys in a closed room. Damn you, untrustworthy males!
Conrad and Dakota run off to do body shots, leaving Jake to ponder the stupidity of providing an onine game with access to your personal information. Or rather, that's what he should be pondering, instead he's pondering how to take over the world getting another Red Lense of Doom vision, except without the Red Lense. (Oh, movie, you so tricksy!)
What happens is Jake wanders outside the party house and sees a mysterious man in a mysterious hooded cloak. With gasoline.
It does not go well.
No! Don't run after the hooded bastard! Put out the fire, Jake! I don't care if it's a vision, you are not acting correctly! This is what happens when you don't put out the fire!
There's an awesome music choice during this scene, actually.
So the movie is all, "Surprise! No fiery death! Just Red Lense of Doom!" and Jake just gapes a bit. I guess he has this happen to him all the time, but even so, and even if it was "totally not real, you can count on it" vision thing, Jake damn well better go check that it isn't real. Just in case. He doesn't. This makes me very anxious until the scene changes.
(You know, if Jake had these intrusive visions all the time, he'd be a bit like Sookie Stackhouse - you know, constantly distracted, taken as a ditzy simpleton, that sort of thing.)
***
And the scene changes back to Jake, who's five minutes late to his computer job. "Tough shit!" is his boss's reaction, because he's fired! In favour of the boss's nephew, who's just gotten out of rehab. At Jake's utter OMGWTF, the boss suggests Jake start selling pot, which is what his nephew did before he got caught. He made a killing!
...*facepalm* Nepotism isn't cool! Endorsing the selling of drugs isn't either! You suck as a boss, man.
Jake, if you had Dean's amulet you'd be his spitting image, what with that jacket and the double layered shirt.
But then *riiing* It's the Pathway to the rescue! Yes, that online game you gave full access to, remember? It's calling Jake on the phone all, "Is that all you got, bitch? Just gonna whine and complain about being fired? Baby gonna cry?" and asks why, if Jake doesn't have the stones, did he bother signing up to the Pathway anyway.
Um, actually, Mr Pathway Voice, Conrad signed Jake onto the game without Jake even knowing the game existed. (Which, how did Conrad know the game existed anyway? If it's supposed to be all hushhush and unGoogleable? And as a plan for finding the antichrist, it's pretty lame. I mean, in general, the Devil's method for finding its wee wretch is pretty lame. It goes from, "Oh noes! I can't possibly chase you through the woods!" to "Why no, I won't scour every neighbouring town for couples with newborns!" to "Meh, just forget about the kid until he's of legal drinking age then get him to turn Dark Side. Yeah, that'll go well." and finally, "An obscure role playing game! That's how I'll locate my baby!" Sheesh.)
Jake isn't happy with the Pathway's namecalling, and Dean shows up to facepalm for him.
But Mr Pathway Voice says some sweet things, promising revenge if only Jake is a patient little boy and comes back the next day to see what wonderful things the Pathway does for him. How is this a roleplaying game?
Jake likes this idea and gives us all the heeby-jeebies:
Eep! Jensen does creepy evil looks disturbingly well.
***
Skip to Jake being a Good Son, vising his crippled mother - yes, crippled, because of the "car accident" - and bringing her orchids. (I always had this idea that orchids were ridiculously expensive, but apparently not?)
And who should be there? Nurse Marisol! I am so surprised for a non-existent period of time. The two young birds turn up the flirting again, and it's rather adorable. "Jake saved my life!" "It was just a circuit board." ♥
Jake's mom isn't blind, you know.
Mom: "Ooh ooh ooh!"
Jake: "Behave, mom." ♥
***
Flirting and filial obligations done, skip to Jake back at his computer job. (I thought he had courses to attend as well? Why doesn't he ever go there?) The place is wrecked and the ex-boss is pointing angry fingers at Jake, who's pretty cool about everything, saying only that his ex-boss owed him two weeks pay. The ex-boss waved his angry accusatory finger again, demanding the cops to arrest Jake, and then rushing to his computer to pull up the surveillance tapes, taking pains to delight at Jake's shocked look of "OMGWHUT? We has surveillance?"
*tap tap* *survellance video is up*
Really? It takes two keystrokes to call up your surveillance video and set it to the appropriate time?
*surveillance video shows ex-boss trashing his own place and getting mooks to "steal" things*
The ex-boss is displeased and evern more hysterical, screaming at Jake that he must've done something. Oy. How the hell would he doctor the tape? Particularly if he didn't know there was a video surveillance?
***
Skip to Jake in his room - which oddly enough is the room where he hung out with during the previous night's party, although I never got the impression that "going out with his friends" meant "having a wild party in his own house". I'm sure his dad would've said something.
Anyway. This happens:
Jake: So much for cuddling.
You could call it The Chair Scene, although I like to call the Sit and Spin (Or Why You Really Do Need a Comfy Chair Sometimes) scene. (And does she wear that skirt every day? Seriously?) Hotness aside - and really Jake looks more like he's about to cry than anything - that looks relly uncomfortable. And I'm assuming she wasn't wearing any panties, or even possibly unzipped his fly because hello, speed! That just did not look fun at all.
And Jake's stunned little face afterwards, with the eyelash flutter. Oh, darling! And he says they've just "made love" (when as Dakota says, it's really "fucked"). Oh, darling Jake. (Also I find it adorable that Jake corrects Dakota's "remember taking my virginity" with "as I recall it, you took mine".)
Dakota's all about the insecurity and the "I'm worthless and thus a cheap ho" viewpoint because yes, we get it, abuse all around is Dakota's luck in life. But seriously, Dakota, nothing I've seen so far gives evidence that Jake "never really gave a shit about [her]" (and later, "would never be with [her] for more than one night". I mean, he seems like a pretty decent guy (apart from the wanting to bash brains in thing) and he hangs out with you even after having slept with you, so you're not a one-night-stand. Plus, if he slept with you more than once, it really is "more than one night". Just not consecutive.
***
Skip to later that night. Horror movie tropes ensue starting with: The lights are out! Let's go to the basement!
Oh noes! The call is coming from inside the house!
The phone's unplugged and it's working!
It's the damned Pathway again, spouting something Pathwaylike, and Phone Voice sounds like Jensen. Is it? Because if so, that raises this plot point up a few notches.
And then Jake sees this:
Man, the devil's ugly.
At first, Jake is 0.0 then D: then...
Gnah! Evil smirk again! Don't do that, it's creepy as fuck! (Okay, I'd really love to see Jensen as a villain. I know he's sort of played one in two horror movies, but never really from the get-go, just as the "surprise! I'm evil!" I'd love to see him like in Supernatural's "Skin" - villain through and through. Of course, I'd probably never sleep again.)
***
Skip to the ground floor, where anyone can tell you that it was Jake, in the living room, with the gun. The victim? His dad. Oops. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but when the gun goes off, Jake is shocked and horrified.
Cue the "Oh gods, what have I done?!?" hand pose.
Looks like someone spilt tomatoe soup all over his hands!
And then Jake does something. And I hate it. I can't stand seeing it and the movie shows it. Over and over again. Repeatedly. All the time. No scene is safe! Flashbacks can attack you at any time! And that scene can be shoved in your face again.
What scene? The bit after this:
Aaslkdfjlsdkfj, I cannot watch that scene at all. Jake, keep your tongue in your mouth, where it belongs! (Well, I could think of other places where your tongue might belong, but I'd like it still attached to the rest of you while it goes there.)
***
Skip to Conrad's storyline. He's still Super Creepy Extraordinaire.
Ah, Conrad, you are certainly disturbing in the Imminent Ax-Murderer sense.
Conrad waxes lyrical on his history of being the victim of physical abuse, Jake tells him about seeing the Devil in his basement. "Half man, half woman." Uh, what about the whole thing with the horns and hooves and big tentacly thing? That didn't make an impression? Just the hermaphrodite thing? Oh Jake...
***
Skip to later, when Conrad is sitting in his residence hall and calls Jake to boast about the two women he's got waiting for him in bed. (Lies, of course.) At Jake's disappointment at not having been invited to the party, Conrad doesn't lie: "They would've taken one look at you and kicked my ass out of bed." Ain't that the truth. Rawr.
Conrad hangs up the phone with a "Fuck you," which is nowhere near as heartwarming as the Winchester's "Bitch" and "Jerk" exchange but hey. Then *riiiiing* It doesn't look like Conrad wants to talk, though.
Look, if you don't want to answer the phone, don't. Don't answer it with crazy eyes and then piddle yourself in front of the Devil.
Except Conrad does answer it, crazy eyes and all, and listens to the Pathway, then he probably does piddle himself when the Devil shows up going "Grr, argh! (Have this gun!)"
Conrad's heart to heart with the Pathway and the Devil doesn't seem to go well, because next he's watching Darius and another flavour of the week going at it to pretty lame music. Then he shoots them dead.
Gnah, suddenly blank faces and head tilts are freaky. (Unless it's Castiel's face. Then we're good.)
***
Skip to the next day with Jake knocking on doors, trying to wake Conrad up for breakfast - or probably lunch, at that hour. Really? Did no one hear the gun shots? I know it's a university residence and all, but come on, gunshots aren't going to be ignored!
Jake finds Conrad. It isn't pretty.
...he looks like a goat. All pentagon-shaped and stuff. I probably should not be this amused.
*Red Lens of Doom*
Alksjdlakjd! Not the tongue thing! I didn't want to see the tongue thing! NOT WITH SOUND EFFECTS EITHER!
***
Jake's uncle comforts Jake by saying his friend was pretty much always a psycho and bound to snap one day. Darius just pushed him over the edge. Jake responds that they'd be "fighting one day and then get high the next." "I'm sure the parents will be comforted to hear that." About as comforted as Jake was when you were so unfeeling, Uncle. *glares*
Then the uncle shows a further lack of brains accusing of Jake helping Conrad steal the gun, because the serial number matched that of a gun stolen from the compound the previous week. Um, what? You're accusing your nephew of stealing a gun now? Way to show faith in him. And then he has the nerve to say, "You know, I'm your uncle. You could've brought the gun to me." Like you'd be any help, Accusy McAccuserson.
Although Jake isn't particularly smart about the gun either, because he says "it's impossible" that the stolen gun and the gun Conrad used were the same. Wait, what? How is that impossible, Jake? You don't know the serial number of the gun you threw in the lake, so the gun Conrad used could very well be the one that was stolen from the cops. So where's the impossibility? The only impossibility it the gun you threw in the lake being the one Conrad used, and that's not what your uncle is saying.
***
Skip to Jake at the hopsital, manning up to break the news to his mom.
Ladies and gentlemen: Jensen Ackles, master of the one-eyed single tear-drop. (And it's always the same eye.) You darling, you.
Marisol pops up and is instantly promoted to Confidant and Shoulder to Cry On, and then into Flirt Subject. Jake asks how Marisol ened up in his town ("a man") and oh hai I see what you did there. In his turn, Jake says that yes, he's single, "But who knows, I could always run into someone when I'm not expecting it."
*cue suppreme flirt mode*
Marisol: "That never happens." Well, what a downer you turned out to be, Marisol.
And when Jake muses over their shitty timing - he wants to leave the town, she just got here - Marisol says, "Well, we'll just have to meet somewhere in the middle" and I see what you did there again.
***
Skip to Jake's house, where his dad's breaking his five-years-sober record. Jake is not amused and his father is cryptic.
Dad: "We're not going to be able to save you now." Why? What? Why now? What did he do all of the sudden that's so bad?
Jake: "Don't preach to me with a drink in your hand, Dad."
Dad: "You ungrateful ppppppunk." The way he says it is hilarious!
Dad: "You realize we have sacrificed everything for you, here?" Oh, don't lay on the whole "the sacrifices we made for you" trip.
Jake: "Sacrificed? You sacrified? I could've gone anywhere, I could've done anything, but I stayed here for you, I stayed here for mom." Jensen's sad'n'angry voice makes my heart break. Do the angry and upset and near-tearful thing again. It's brilliant. Lookit!
Jake: "What did you ever give up for me?"
Dad: "My beautiful wife." This only makes sense if I completely over-analyse the movie and read the credits and think that this man - Dad - is listed in the credits as Paul Kilton and not Paul Grey (which, by the way, is a neat last name for an antichrist-raised-human) who is Anne Kilton's husb- No, wait, because Anne Kilton was married to Ivan Reisz ("Anne Klton was a student of mine before we married"), so Paul, if anything, was her brother or relative on her father's side and that makes the cryptic "my beautiful wife" still refer to Jake's mom... I am so confused. But apparently yes, according to IMDB, when Jake's talking to his dad, he's talking to Paul Kilton. THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.
Jake: "What are you trying to tell me, Dad? You trying to blame me for the way Mom is? For the accident? You wanna blame me for that now? The day after my best friend kills himself? You gonna blame for that?!?" I ♥ this diatribe. Jensen's acting ftw.
***
Skip to the college campus - OMG they do go to class! - where Dakota invites Jake and his new squeeze for dinner at the diner where she works. Is Dakota like permanently stoned or something? She seems to be very...flat. No affect or anything.
***
Skip to the diner date where Dakota is either being slightly interested in Jake's date or being bitchy or completely out of it. It's very strange, but makes a pretty picture regardless.
Dakota asks Marisol if her name means anything. "It's Spanish for 'sun and sea'." "Oh! I was named for where I was conceived."
"Sun and sea", Marisol? Lies! All lies! Your name is not "Sea and sun". Honestly, do you think we Spaniards name our kids like that? What, we've got kids running around named Surfanturf too? What would you say if your name were Marimar? "Oh hi, my name means sea and sea because of my impressive rack." No. Your name is the short version of Maria Soldedad (Mary Solitude) or Maria del Sol (Mary of the Sun) because most everyone's called some variant of Mary in Spain. Now go and get yourself a proper demonic name.
Dakota excuses herself and proptly gets harassed by Skeevey Professor in the kitchen. Yes, Skeevy Professor eats there every week, twice a week. *shudders* The camera pans down to his wedding ring and we're supposed to be horrified, I guess. What? It's somehow worse that the professor's coming onto the student and demanding sex for passing her because he's married?
One ass-grab and rebuke later, Dakota's getting a call from the Pathway. How come when Conrad was listening to the Pathway, it sounded like Jake, and when Jake was on the phone, it sounded like Jake but when Dakota's talking, it sounds like her? Inconsistencies are not for the win.
Marisol: "There's a higher power looking out for you." *Sickle snerks* I see what you did there. Again.
***
Skip to Jake's choice for a first date: a tattoo parlor. Wow, great first date there Jake. "Let's go get me a tattoo for my mom!"
Walt the tattooist: "I hope you can fight. I've never put an orchid on a guy before."
Jake: "It's for my mother, Walt."
Marisol: "Okay, now you're breaking my heart."
Sickle: I see what you did there. Yes, again.
Unf.
Double unf.
That is all.
Unfortunaltely, Walt quit smoking yesterday and does something particularly painful to Jake whilst tattooing with the shakes.
I love Jensen's "Holy shit, no you didn't!" face.
Why do we not get to see the messed up tattoo? I mean, Walt does scratch it up with his cigarette withdrawl, doesn't he?
Turns out that murder and mutaliation care of Dakota ensued while she was packing up their dinner:
...could you eat around that? I mean, if the chips were good enough?
***
Skip to the diner, where Marisol sneaks in a good feel-up of Jake's back and Jake's uncle confronts him, asking "What've you and your friends gotten into?" because that makes sense. Obviously they're part of the muder and self-mutilation part of gang life. (Seriously, why is everyone blaming Jake?) Ugh. Whatever they've gotten into, it doesn't measure up to murder and mutilation. I mean, stealing radios and casual violence, sure, but don't blame teenage hijinks on that kind of mess.
Jake's uncle then demands that his nephew meet him at his cabin the next day and spill the beans. Marisol tags along because she's now super special to Jake.
Yes, just leave your cabin open and the knife point-deep in the wood. That's some shoddy weapons care.
Jake spills the beans. Sorta. He leaves out the bit about the Devil in his basement.
...remember when this movie was about playing some creepy internet game? Yeah, thanks for reminding us, Jake. Your uncle and I needed that reminder, because this movie's genre's just gone all over the place.
Jake: "I feel like I'm going insane." Ha.
The uncle calls it a computer game. *facepalm* Dude, it's not a "computer game" at all. It just uses a computer. It also uses a phone.
But the uncle isn't all bad, because he's down with Jake and his girl shacking up in his cabin.
Snuggles by the fire just got that much more awesome.
Also, it's a nice kissing scene, but the movie hasn't shown me enough between these two going from flirty to comportably companiable and kissy so I don't feel that there's enough emotion behind it (and they're going for emotion rather than "You hot! Me horny! Let us kiss with tongue!) And remember, Ceiling Bobcat is watching you masterbate make out.
Jake seems to be the same kind of lover as Dean, all soft looks and tenderness, but he gets cold feet catching a look of Ceiling Bobcat.
Stuffed Bobcat, the new mood killer! Now with flaming yellow eyes! (Ceiling Cat's Big Brother, for antichrists only!)
Jake knows something's wrong, and since the last time we saw his uncle he was driving down a deserted road receiving a strange call... Well, can't say we're surprised.
That must be the world's most accident-prone, well-placed branch ever.
Jake freaks out, understandably, but not too intelligently.
Jake, you moron! Stop trying to break the door, you're just fucking up the handle.
And the window is open! How can you not reach in to your uncle through the window?
I mean, seriously!
***
Skip to the first funeral of the movie, although it's the third death.
Okay, so Marisol's known Jake a few days, and now she's the girl who sits by his side at the funeral service? That's a damn fast relationship.
Jake walks out of the funeral and seeks out a hug from Marisl. I will never have enough of needy Jake. So squishable! Until...
Lions. Cougars. Bobcats. I see what you did there.
Gnah! Scary Jensen face! Don't do the intense evil stare, Jensen, it's honestly scary! (Which I suppose means he's really good as an actor.)
Scary Intense Face Jensen needs to talk to an old friend.
Scary Intense Face? Yes. But also so pretty.
*Red Lens of Doom*
STOP STICKING THE TONGUE CUTTING BIT IN! I DON'T WANT TO WATCH IT!
**
Jake goes to talk to Walt, the tattooist with the conveniently identifying goat-and-pentagram tattoo.
Lawdy, does Jensen look glorious in a button-down shirt.
Walt explains why he got into Satanism: "There's more pussy at a black mass than at a Metallica concert."
Okay, Walt is reminding me of...someone. Some ambiguous character who's somewhat uncouth and all about sex... Firefly's Jayne Cobb! Oh yes, Walt is totally the older, creepier version of Jayne Cobb. ...gnah! (Also a teeny tiny bit of Bobby Singer, which is extra weird.)
And Walt explains why he never really got that deep into Satanism: "You don't cross people who are willing to give up their souls." People who run up against Dean Winchester, take note. (In fact, Dean, you might want to take note and a long look at Sam. Just in case.)
***
Jake keeps on investigating, meeting up with the local warlock to learn more about the Devil and all that jazz. Oh hai, Roswell cop aka William Sadler! You've aged! But are still rather alright.
Niiiice shot through the bookshelf.
Ivan the warlock tells Jake that the Pathway - not the game, the term - is what the Devil uses to possess someone.
Jake: "So how did I resist?" Um, who's saying you did?
That position you're sitting in, Jake, looks either incredible comfortable or incredibly uncomfortable. Either way, nice.
So Ivan tells Jake about a very powerful, very evil warlock who could work up some bad mojo. To Jake's question of just how Aidan knew how to conjur up the Devil, Ivan replies, "Because I taught him to." Ah, the age-old tale of the too-apt learner who goes dark side. *sigh*
So the movie is now about black magic and the devil, instead of telephone games and violent murders. How many movies were smushed to make this one?
***
Skip to Jake very obviously staking out the company building of Aiden, who owns Kater Games and therefore obviously set up the Pathway game.
Ah, hellooo douchebag.
***
Jake senses the audience's confusion and explains things to Marisol.
Jake: "The Devil uses the Pathway to kill people."
Marisol: "And then forces them to kill and to commit suicide."
See, this is decent if you take "the pathway" to be the connection between the possessed and the possessor (which is the same as saying "the Devil possesses people and does shit") but is incredibly stupid when you remember that the pathway is a ridiculous telephone "game" wherein a mysterious voice calls you and tells you things like "aren't you going to do anything?" and "stand up for yourself" and "go and fuck Jake in a swivel chair".
Jake: "She seduces them."
Marisol: "The devil's a woman."
Jake, I did the same bitchy disappointed face as Marisol. The Devil's always male until you need to use a sexual metaphor, then it's all, "Ooh, the witchy wiley ways of woman!" Ugh.
Jake: "I don't know, maybe [it's] whatever it needs to be."
Marisol: "Or what you want it to be?" Oh, I see what you did there again. The Devil's what Jake wants it to be, indeed.
Marisol: "I'm not saying that it's your fault. I'm just saying that you're angry because-"
Jake: "YES I'M ANGRY!" Oh, the hilarity that was avoided by Jensen's acting.
Jake: "The bitch was in my basement!" I love this line too much. (And apparently I'm not the only one, because it's on the IMDB quotepage.)
Marisol: "It's... I adore you but this is getting to be too much." Apparently, Jake being slightly anti-devilwoman is "too much" for her to be in their relationship, but two of his friends murdering and dying and his uncle also dying wasn't "too much"? Girl, you don't stick by for that amount of baggage and then just bail!
Jake, understandably, rushes out in a huff and door-slam.
***
Skip to a very well-lit basement. I approve because of the pretty.
Jake sees something...
No! Don't stick your hand into the gaping hole in the wall of your basement! Think of all the nasty things in there! Gods, Jake, you're almost too dumb too live sometimes. (Unless this is some sort of vaginal metaphor, with the birthing and stuff. Heh, "box.")
Ah, the convenient Box of Backstory Exposition.
Yeah, what's new, Box? How is this news?
*music screeches and booms* Gnah! Creepy Ghost Conrad!
***
Okay, here is where the movie totally just flips the bird at the concept of making sense. Ghost Conrad punches Jake out in his basement, and he wakes up in Douchebag Aiden's snazzy apartment. How?
Conrad: "Hell ain't so bad. You'll see." Tell that to Dean.
Jake doesn't seem comforted.
Continuity Fail! Jake's lip was bloody and gorgeous! Now it's just gorgeous!
Aiden shows up and tells Jake that the Pathway was a test which Conrad and Dakota failed, but he passed.
Aiden: "You stared the Devil directly in the face, and you never looked away." Then how the hell did Jake know the Devil was a hermaphrodite, huh? That wasn't on the Devil's face.
It was used to find Jake because he was "stolen" from them, the Satanists, by his actually-adoptive parents. Unfortunately, "You went from being the Prince of Darkness to just another fucked-up kid." Love you too, sugar. And who says Jake is fucked up? Not the movie - at least, not until the Pathway and all that.
This premise for the Pathway is ridiculous when you consider that the Devil and its minions had eighteen years to find Jake and the best they could come up with was a roleplaying game? Seriously? What about scouring the nearby towns right after the babysnatching for couples with newborns? What about sending out a hellhound on his eleventh birthday? Man, Azazel and all the monsters on Supernatural kick the Devil's ass when it come to finding their young or Babies of Interest.
*Red Lens of Doom*
Okay, look, those red-tinted flashbacks are totally unnecessary. I remember the horrific intrusion of personal information by the internet.
Aiden: "You belong to us." Joooooiiiiin uuuuuuus!
Jake doesn't take too kindly to this revelation. It doesn't go well for Aiden.
Wow. That was an incredibly awesome toss, Jake. You should totally throw discus or something professionally.
Ghost Dakota shows up, except she isn't really Dakota at all. Jake's a bright boy, asking "Where is she?" and gets this as an answer:
He's still pretty.
It makes me ridiculously joyful that Jake getting up off the ground bared some of his lower back. I'm shallow and it's fun :)
***
Skip to Jake driving away, burning rubber, in broad daylight, and then skip to Jake driving at night to his uncle's cabin.
*car chokes*
See, Jake, this is what happens when you ditch the Impala. Ain't no other car gonna drive under your hands.
Closer to the cabin, Jake hears what we started off the movie with, which is the sound of a scared woman crying somewhere inside the cabin.
Jake is not very smart.
Yes, Jake, grab the bloody knife with your bare, fingerprint-filled hands and go into the cabin with the crying woman in terrified pain. Great thinking there.
Inside the cabin is the same woman from the beginnig, only wearing clothes this time.
It's ridiculous how they never explain why she was lying there on the floor crying. Regardless, she gets up and although Jake says, "I know who you are now," she brings her hand to his cheek (SNAKE! The hand is the snake!) -
- and gives Jake a Red Lens of Doom vision of when he was stolen away from her. It. The hermaphroditic Devil.
Seriously, STOP IT with the repetitious flashbacks.
So...the Devil doesn't chase them very far, then. Because you can see the Devil - its horns and claw, at least - right there, in the center, not that far away from Jake's not-parents. Seriously, that doesn't even count as trying to catch the measly humans.
Jake follows the woman out of the cabin.
*ominous bell-tolling and chorus-wailing music is ominous*
Someone's been redecorating.
Dude, that one bone there was totally from a cow. A huge cow.
Although I must admit, the silver goblet full of blood in a forest is a pretty neat image.
Jake's parents hanging dead from a tree...not so much with the liking. Jake doesn't take it well at all.
Jake: "NoooooOOOOOooooo!"
That scream was...unexpected and abrupt. And somewhat narmy. The angry and determined crying that came later was much better done.
The woman decides to change it up a little...
WHERE IS THE BLACK SMOKE?
Marisol the Devil: "You had to kill before I could show myself to you." Um, he killed the douchbag, but he's been seeing you for ages, so...
Oh, do you just mean, show yourself to him with that haircut?
That's it. Jake's broken.
See? It's always the left eye that does the manly single tear of heartbreak! There it goes!
Marisol the Devil: "Accept who you are." Which is what? Prince of Darkness, yes, but what does that mean. (Also, way to go, Devil, but not trying to sell that choice at all. I mean, you just propose it once and completely leave out the "there's nothing left for you now" part of it all. You fail, Devil.)
It looks like Jake's beyond broken when he asks of Marisol "Will you be with me?"
Marisol: "I'll be whatever you need me to be." Yes, you said.
Oh gods, Jensen, cry in emotional turmoil more, it's so bloody gorgeous and astounding.
But no! Jake stabs Marisol in the chest with...a sharp bone? Something.
Pissing off the Devil, though, not such a good idea, Jake.
*Red Lense of Doom*
...I didn't need to see that birth scene. Really.
Oh gods, is the Devil pulling of the "all the sacrifices that I made for you" crap too? Look at these flashbacks, Jake! See how much labour hurt? You ungrateful inexplicably humanoid antichrist! Why can't you embrace the murderin' way of life?
Okay, freakin' mice know better than to give birth to their young in just any old random place, so why was the Devil stupid enough to give birth in a (totally betting it wasn't abandoned) cabin near a town? Whilst howling? I mean, why not some abandoned desert? And just what were you going to do with the baby? Have it raised by the coven? (Oooh, Two and a Half Men parallels!)
Remeber that goblet? Yeah...
Drink it, bitch.
***
Skip to pretty eyes
and trees
and it's not Lost how can it be?
Cop: "You're a monster."
That's a lot of blood. Jensen should not look so pretty slathered in blood.
*glorious narration by Jensen* *Sickle's happy face*
Jake: "The devil couldn't kill our child so this is how she makes me pay for wanting to be human." Um, what? Seriously, what? "Our" child? You're the child. (Unless you're going by the "the Devil is a hermaphrodite" route and you were the spermy part of that duo and then, um, what, conceived yourself? I don't even.) And the movie never had a single "come on, embrace your non-humanity!" "No, I want to be human!" moment. Just a weep-anna-stab.
Jake: Wake me up from this nightmare... please.
...yes, you read that right: Paul Kilton was played by Alan Ackles, who is Jensen Ackles' father.
And who the fuck is Paul Kilton, you might ask? I certainly did, and spent ages flipping through the film and IMDB and Google trying to figure it out. Very long story short, Paul Kilton isn't Anne Kilton's husband - that's Ivan Reisz, played by William Sadler of Roswell. Instead, Paul Kilton is Jake Grey's father - or rather babysnatcher - which made no sense to me because THEIR LAST NAMES DO NOT COMPUTE and yes he is presented as the actual father because Jake says "dad and I are fine" but the male babysnatcher is referred to as Paul so *conflused flail*
But! This is Jake's dad:
And this is Jensen's dad:
And here they are together in the movie:
Oh my heart, the idea is adorable. (And slightly hilarious because this is the scene where the dad calls Jake an "ungrateful ppppunk".)
Y'all have no idea how long it's taken me to do this. *flops about in exhaustion*
I'll admit to watching this for my love of Jensen Ackles and my occasional need for horror films. I'd watched bits on YouTube - including the sex scene and the ending - but that didn't detract from the film (which, granted, isn't fantastic or even well-plotted, but it's watchable and low on the facepalming factor). I rather liked it, all in all.
Crossposted to entirelyjensen here, acklesaholics here, dean_sam here
Trailer:
Click to viewBest of Devour: Highlights
The main complaint about the movie, it seems, is that it jumps through a dozen different focuses and feels like it's been put together from bits strewn on the cutting floor. I mean, it starts off being a movie about a live role-play game, then about murders, then about Satanists, then about the Devil and its Antichrist. Reading over Wiki's plot summary makes it seem way, way more cohesive that it really is.
Let us begin...
And the reason we're watching:
The opening credits seem to have gone a bit overborad in the BLOOD! OMINOUS MUSIC! ZOOM! TAXIDERMY! WEE LITTLE ADORABLE JENSEN! way of things. (Which is unfortunate because it basically tells you the whole movie in DOOOOOOM version, with a dash of adorable.)
See how wee and adorable?
And of course, we've all seen this photo before:
I say OMINOUS MUSIC but really, apart from the too-on-the-nose lyrics - "Vanish in me, disappearing, falling. This is not what you want to hear" - the music is pretty neat (and possibly spoilers for the movie, which, oy.) It's "Monkey" by Proto.
Also, the actual graphics and effects are pretty awesome, even if we're going to see them all over again in context.
***
You better get used to the Red Lens of Doom. They're going to use it. A lot. In fact, it's how we start the movie.
Meet Jake, played by Jensen Ackles. He'll be the main protagonist and eye-candy for the evening.
Jake, why the fuck are you not wearing a big neon orange PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME DEAD jacket whilst out hunting? You foo'!
Oh, that's right, because you're not going to be shot dear but get attacked by the great hoverkitty ( whirrr) of prophetic doom. Because cougars just leap out at unsuspecting hunters from great heights all the time. I am tired of movies depicting predators as these constantly growling things. When a cougar's hunting, it's not going to roar.
Also, that is one tiny cougar you're gutting. (Is that even legal?)
The burying of the cougar's organs does get explained later in the film but other than that is pretty useless because it does nothing in terms of plot or characterization. Basically, all it says is, "Oh hai mysticism! Also, Jake and Uncle are close hunting budies! D'aww, people!"
But hush! Did I hear a baby? Movie, are you being...subtle? Our hero investigates.
Jensen, take that silly tuque off, I can't see your brilliant hair.
Our hero investigates a cabin in the woods from which strange sounds are coming. (After ineffectually wipping his very, very bloody hands on his jacket for a moment before thinking better of it.)
Ack! Blood on the door and the windows!
Mysterious Naked Woman is crying on the floor. Unfortunately, she doesn't take kindly to being investigated on by cute boys in tuques. She attacks! With a snake!
Gnah! Snakes don't rip off skin with a bite. *cringes*
But surprise! It was all a vision or hallucination or Red Lens of Doom.
***
Skip to Jake and his forays into obtaining an education. Oh, Jensen, narrate some more. *happy Sickle is happy*
Jake's friend, Conrad, only has the fact that he's ginger going for him. Apart from that, he seems to be the victim of parental abuse and bullying. He self medicates with pot. *Sickle stares at Conrad* Seriously, you're smoking pot in public on the main campus? What backwater school are you at?
...is that Dean's jacket? (Not really, but damn.)
Our list of characters increases marginally with the addition of Random Guy Inna Car aka Darius (seriously) who seems to be on good terms with Jake and on the opposite of that with Conrad. Darius asks if Jake's going to play football next year. *sigh* Oh, of course, Jake's a jock.
Conrad, on the other hand, is Super Creepy Extraordinare and, after staring at the flavour of the week sitting shotgun in Darius's car, he gets a tiny bit jumpy.
Jake's wearing Dean Winchester's "I don't get paid enough for this crap" look and I love it. Conrad, on the other and, is still Super Creepy Estraordinaire. The reason behind this? Conrad's got a gun he wants to introduce Darius to. Jake thinks otherwise and takes the gun.
Uh, Jake, what the hell do you think you're going to do with the gun now? I mean, great, you took it off your pothead murderous friend so he doesn't go to jail, but... What about you? You're too pretty to go to jail! (On the other hand, that is a sexy way to hide a gun. Or maybe it's just the general package.)
***
Skip to a lecture - why do university lectures in movies always sound like rambliy introductions instead of marathon powerpoint slide presentations? - and meet Dakota, a blonde reported to have slept with Jake and all his friends (not that we get to meet said friends) and has been sexually abused by her father and is being sexually harrassed by Skeavy Professor. You'd think she'd be a more interesting character, yet my innitial notes read, "Oooh, bitchy blonde. This is me not liking you."
Also, "oops! I dropped the pen! Let me pick it up in an incredibly suggestive manner." It's Jake's birthday, after all.
Apart from the lovely view, Dakota's brought a bottle of wine for Jake. Seeing the bottle, the professor says, "What are we to make of this dyonesian offer?" to which Dakota answers "Mimosas," to laughter all around. I don't get it. Seriously, how is that funny?
The scene ends there. Since when do professors just randomly stop and say, "That's enough for today?" You have to wrap up, damnit! Not ramble at students at whim.
***
Skip to Jake being smart and throwing Conrad's gun into a lake.
That is one gorgeous lake. Shame it has a ghost at the bottom ready to drown you. Ain't that right, Dean?
***
Skip to Jake working at a computer repair shop when a pretty customer - Marisol - walks in.
Y'all remember that smile of Dean's in Season 1, when he's got a pen in his mouth? Here's the exact same smile, sans pen.
Jake sets right to work with Marisol's computer. All he has to go with is the brilliant "it just stopped working" but somehow he knows just where to start.
Funny. I can't just lift bits off my laptop. Not without a screwdriver at least.
Now, nowing how the film ends and who everyone is, this scene makes me o, "Ooooh! The Devil gets to you through computers! I see what you did there, movie!"
The crippling problem with Marisol's laptop? Wax. From her Tarot cards. Just think about that for a moment. "From my tarot cards" doesn't explain how the wax got into her computer without her noticing it splattered all over the keyboard.
So Jake and Marisol flirt over Tarot cards: "They help you see the future, right?" "Yeah. And the past." Ooh, plot! Or at least consistency.
Jake flirts so much that he doesn't charge Marisol for the wax job. His boss is not pleased and docks it from Jake's pay. At Jake's "What?!?", the boss is all, "Please, watch your fucking language." *snerk*
***
Skip to Jake getting home. Why is there a giant stagnant pool in front of his house? Is this a metaphor thing? Is something putrid in the state of Iowa?
Excuse me while I have a moment of real estate envy.
Jake's welcomed home by his father and a birthday cake.
Hey, Jake, be glad it's not a single solitary muffin with a candle. Plus, its chocolate.
Anway, this sad little candle conmemorates Jake's eighteenth birthday, which mean's he's definitely going out drinking with his friends. "I'm legal." Right, that American thing of suddenly being legal to drink, ergo you have to get plastered. *sigh*
But that's not why we're watching. The reason is the pretty!
***
Skip to the parrrr-tay! Wow, Jensen was lean five years ago.
Dakota jumps Jake with excessive exhuberance. She's been drowning her sorrows after having had a talk with Sceavy Professor. He had a rather succinct ultimatum: "Fuck or fail." Seriously, there's no one she can report that to? Seriously?
So Dakota is pretty drunk yet she had the precence of mind to fix her runny mascara?
***
Skip to Jake, Conrad and Dakota hiding out in a bedroom while the rest of the party goes on downstairs.
*self-inserts like mad*
I believe this is what we call neck porn, yes? Unf.
Jake gives us some backstory on the Red Lens of Doom. Turns out he's been having these intrusive vision all his life. Wow, Jake's having intrusive violent fantacies. And sexual ones. Obviously, he must be the antichrist. *rolls eyes*
While Jake's enjoying snuggling Dakota, Conrad's been signing them up for a live on-line roleplaying game, entering all sorts of personal information. This makes me go a bit McShouty at Conrad:
Why the fuck are you giving out your address to the internet? Wrong! And your phone number? What are you, twelve?!? And it's getting access to your personal files?!? And your bank account?!? Have you learnt nothing from the internet? *flails*
I might cut them some slack because they're supposedly hammered, although only Dakota shows it. "Oh God, I'm so drunk!" I'll admit to being uneasy at a girl saying this when flanked by two guys in a closed room. Damn you, untrustworthy males!
Conrad and Dakota run off to do body shots, leaving Jake to ponder the stupidity of providing an onine game with access to your personal information. Or rather, that's what he should be pondering, instead he's pondering how to take over the world getting another Red Lense of Doom vision, except without the Red Lense. (Oh, movie, you so tricksy!)
What happens is Jake wanders outside the party house and sees a mysterious man in a mysterious hooded cloak. With gasoline.
It does not go well.
No! Don't run after the hooded bastard! Put out the fire, Jake! I don't care if it's a vision, you are not acting correctly! This is what happens when you don't put out the fire!
There's an awesome music choice during this scene, actually.
So the movie is all, "Surprise! No fiery death! Just Red Lense of Doom!" and Jake just gapes a bit. I guess he has this happen to him all the time, but even so, and even if it was "totally not real, you can count on it" vision thing, Jake damn well better go check that it isn't real. Just in case. He doesn't. This makes me very anxious until the scene changes.
(You know, if Jake had these intrusive visions all the time, he'd be a bit like Sookie Stackhouse - you know, constantly distracted, taken as a ditzy simpleton, that sort of thing.)
***
And the scene changes back to Jake, who's five minutes late to his computer job. "Tough shit!" is his boss's reaction, because he's fired! In favour of the boss's nephew, who's just gotten out of rehab. At Jake's utter OMGWTF, the boss suggests Jake start selling pot, which is what his nephew did before he got caught. He made a killing!
...*facepalm* Nepotism isn't cool! Endorsing the selling of drugs isn't either! You suck as a boss, man.
Jake, if you had Dean's amulet you'd be his spitting image, what with that jacket and the double layered shirt.
But then *riiing* It's the Pathway to the rescue! Yes, that online game you gave full access to, remember? It's calling Jake on the phone all, "Is that all you got, bitch? Just gonna whine and complain about being fired? Baby gonna cry?" and asks why, if Jake doesn't have the stones, did he bother signing up to the Pathway anyway.
Um, actually, Mr Pathway Voice, Conrad signed Jake onto the game without Jake even knowing the game existed. (Which, how did Conrad know the game existed anyway? If it's supposed to be all hushhush and unGoogleable? And as a plan for finding the antichrist, it's pretty lame. I mean, in general, the Devil's method for finding its wee wretch is pretty lame. It goes from, "Oh noes! I can't possibly chase you through the woods!" to "Why no, I won't scour every neighbouring town for couples with newborns!" to "Meh, just forget about the kid until he's of legal drinking age then get him to turn Dark Side. Yeah, that'll go well." and finally, "An obscure role playing game! That's how I'll locate my baby!" Sheesh.)
Jake isn't happy with the Pathway's namecalling, and Dean shows up to facepalm for him.
But Mr Pathway Voice says some sweet things, promising revenge if only Jake is a patient little boy and comes back the next day to see what wonderful things the Pathway does for him. How is this a roleplaying game?
Jake likes this idea and gives us all the heeby-jeebies:
Eep! Jensen does creepy evil looks disturbingly well.
***
Skip to Jake being a Good Son, vising his crippled mother - yes, crippled, because of the "car accident" - and bringing her orchids. (I always had this idea that orchids were ridiculously expensive, but apparently not?)
And who should be there? Nurse Marisol! I am so surprised for a non-existent period of time. The two young birds turn up the flirting again, and it's rather adorable. "Jake saved my life!" "It was just a circuit board." ♥
Jake's mom isn't blind, you know.
Mom: "Ooh ooh ooh!"
Jake: "Behave, mom." ♥
***
Flirting and filial obligations done, skip to Jake back at his computer job. (I thought he had courses to attend as well? Why doesn't he ever go there?) The place is wrecked and the ex-boss is pointing angry fingers at Jake, who's pretty cool about everything, saying only that his ex-boss owed him two weeks pay. The ex-boss waved his angry accusatory finger again, demanding the cops to arrest Jake, and then rushing to his computer to pull up the surveillance tapes, taking pains to delight at Jake's shocked look of "OMGWHUT? We has surveillance?"
*tap tap* *survellance video is up*
Really? It takes two keystrokes to call up your surveillance video and set it to the appropriate time?
*surveillance video shows ex-boss trashing his own place and getting mooks to "steal" things*
The ex-boss is displeased and evern more hysterical, screaming at Jake that he must've done something. Oy. How the hell would he doctor the tape? Particularly if he didn't know there was a video surveillance?
***
Skip to Jake in his room - which oddly enough is the room where he hung out with during the previous night's party, although I never got the impression that "going out with his friends" meant "having a wild party in his own house". I'm sure his dad would've said something.
Anyway. This happens:
Jake: So much for cuddling.
You could call it The Chair Scene, although I like to call the Sit and Spin (Or Why You Really Do Need a Comfy Chair Sometimes) scene. (And does she wear that skirt every day? Seriously?) Hotness aside - and really Jake looks more like he's about to cry than anything - that looks relly uncomfortable. And I'm assuming she wasn't wearing any panties, or even possibly unzipped his fly because hello, speed! That just did not look fun at all.
And Jake's stunned little face afterwards, with the eyelash flutter. Oh, darling! And he says they've just "made love" (when as Dakota says, it's really "fucked"). Oh, darling Jake. (Also I find it adorable that Jake corrects Dakota's "remember taking my virginity" with "as I recall it, you took mine".)
Dakota's all about the insecurity and the "I'm worthless and thus a cheap ho" viewpoint because yes, we get it, abuse all around is Dakota's luck in life. But seriously, Dakota, nothing I've seen so far gives evidence that Jake "never really gave a shit about [her]" (and later, "would never be with [her] for more than one night". I mean, he seems like a pretty decent guy (apart from the wanting to bash brains in thing) and he hangs out with you even after having slept with you, so you're not a one-night-stand. Plus, if he slept with you more than once, it really is "more than one night". Just not consecutive.
***
Skip to later that night. Horror movie tropes ensue starting with: The lights are out! Let's go to the basement!
Oh noes! The call is coming from inside the house!
The phone's unplugged and it's working!
It's the damned Pathway again, spouting something Pathwaylike, and Phone Voice sounds like Jensen. Is it? Because if so, that raises this plot point up a few notches.
And then Jake sees this:
Man, the devil's ugly.
At first, Jake is 0.0 then D: then...
Gnah! Evil smirk again! Don't do that, it's creepy as fuck! (Okay, I'd really love to see Jensen as a villain. I know he's sort of played one in two horror movies, but never really from the get-go, just as the "surprise! I'm evil!" I'd love to see him like in Supernatural's "Skin" - villain through and through. Of course, I'd probably never sleep again.)
***
Skip to the ground floor, where anyone can tell you that it was Jake, in the living room, with the gun. The victim? His dad. Oops. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but when the gun goes off, Jake is shocked and horrified.
Cue the "Oh gods, what have I done?!?" hand pose.
Looks like someone spilt tomatoe soup all over his hands!
And then Jake does something. And I hate it. I can't stand seeing it and the movie shows it. Over and over again. Repeatedly. All the time. No scene is safe! Flashbacks can attack you at any time! And that scene can be shoved in your face again.
What scene? The bit after this:
Aaslkdfjlsdkfj, I cannot watch that scene at all. Jake, keep your tongue in your mouth, where it belongs! (Well, I could think of other places where your tongue might belong, but I'd like it still attached to the rest of you while it goes there.)
***
Skip to Conrad's storyline. He's still Super Creepy Extraordinaire.
Ah, Conrad, you are certainly disturbing in the Imminent Ax-Murderer sense.
Conrad waxes lyrical on his history of being the victim of physical abuse, Jake tells him about seeing the Devil in his basement. "Half man, half woman." Uh, what about the whole thing with the horns and hooves and big tentacly thing? That didn't make an impression? Just the hermaphrodite thing? Oh Jake...
***
Skip to later, when Conrad is sitting in his residence hall and calls Jake to boast about the two women he's got waiting for him in bed. (Lies, of course.) At Jake's disappointment at not having been invited to the party, Conrad doesn't lie: "They would've taken one look at you and kicked my ass out of bed." Ain't that the truth. Rawr.
Conrad hangs up the phone with a "Fuck you," which is nowhere near as heartwarming as the Winchester's "Bitch" and "Jerk" exchange but hey. Then *riiiiing* It doesn't look like Conrad wants to talk, though.
Look, if you don't want to answer the phone, don't. Don't answer it with crazy eyes and then piddle yourself in front of the Devil.
Except Conrad does answer it, crazy eyes and all, and listens to the Pathway, then he probably does piddle himself when the Devil shows up going "Grr, argh! (Have this gun!)"
Conrad's heart to heart with the Pathway and the Devil doesn't seem to go well, because next he's watching Darius and another flavour of the week going at it to pretty lame music. Then he shoots them dead.
Gnah, suddenly blank faces and head tilts are freaky. (Unless it's Castiel's face. Then we're good.)
***
Skip to the next day with Jake knocking on doors, trying to wake Conrad up for breakfast - or probably lunch, at that hour. Really? Did no one hear the gun shots? I know it's a university residence and all, but come on, gunshots aren't going to be ignored!
Jake finds Conrad. It isn't pretty.
...he looks like a goat. All pentagon-shaped and stuff. I probably should not be this amused.
*Red Lens of Doom*
Alksjdlakjd! Not the tongue thing! I didn't want to see the tongue thing! NOT WITH SOUND EFFECTS EITHER!
***
Jake's uncle comforts Jake by saying his friend was pretty much always a psycho and bound to snap one day. Darius just pushed him over the edge. Jake responds that they'd be "fighting one day and then get high the next." "I'm sure the parents will be comforted to hear that." About as comforted as Jake was when you were so unfeeling, Uncle. *glares*
Then the uncle shows a further lack of brains accusing of Jake helping Conrad steal the gun, because the serial number matched that of a gun stolen from the compound the previous week. Um, what? You're accusing your nephew of stealing a gun now? Way to show faith in him. And then he has the nerve to say, "You know, I'm your uncle. You could've brought the gun to me." Like you'd be any help, Accusy McAccuserson.
Although Jake isn't particularly smart about the gun either, because he says "it's impossible" that the stolen gun and the gun Conrad used were the same. Wait, what? How is that impossible, Jake? You don't know the serial number of the gun you threw in the lake, so the gun Conrad used could very well be the one that was stolen from the cops. So where's the impossibility? The only impossibility it the gun you threw in the lake being the one Conrad used, and that's not what your uncle is saying.
***
Skip to Jake at the hopsital, manning up to break the news to his mom.
Ladies and gentlemen: Jensen Ackles, master of the one-eyed single tear-drop. (And it's always the same eye.) You darling, you.
Marisol pops up and is instantly promoted to Confidant and Shoulder to Cry On, and then into Flirt Subject. Jake asks how Marisol ened up in his town ("a man") and oh hai I see what you did there. In his turn, Jake says that yes, he's single, "But who knows, I could always run into someone when I'm not expecting it."
*cue suppreme flirt mode*
Marisol: "That never happens." Well, what a downer you turned out to be, Marisol.
And when Jake muses over their shitty timing - he wants to leave the town, she just got here - Marisol says, "Well, we'll just have to meet somewhere in the middle" and I see what you did there again.
***
Skip to Jake's house, where his dad's breaking his five-years-sober record. Jake is not amused and his father is cryptic.
Dad: "We're not going to be able to save you now." Why? What? Why now? What did he do all of the sudden that's so bad?
Jake: "Don't preach to me with a drink in your hand, Dad."
Dad: "You ungrateful ppppppunk." The way he says it is hilarious!
Dad: "You realize we have sacrificed everything for you, here?" Oh, don't lay on the whole "the sacrifices we made for you" trip.
Jake: "Sacrificed? You sacrified? I could've gone anywhere, I could've done anything, but I stayed here for you, I stayed here for mom." Jensen's sad'n'angry voice makes my heart break. Do the angry and upset and near-tearful thing again. It's brilliant. Lookit!
Jake: "What did you ever give up for me?"
Dad: "My beautiful wife." This only makes sense if I completely over-analyse the movie and read the credits and think that this man - Dad - is listed in the credits as Paul Kilton and not Paul Grey (which, by the way, is a neat last name for an antichrist-raised-human) who is Anne Kilton's husb- No, wait, because Anne Kilton was married to Ivan Reisz ("Anne Klton was a student of mine before we married"), so Paul, if anything, was her brother or relative on her father's side and that makes the cryptic "my beautiful wife" still refer to Jake's mom... I am so confused. But apparently yes, according to IMDB, when Jake's talking to his dad, he's talking to Paul Kilton. THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.
Jake: "What are you trying to tell me, Dad? You trying to blame me for the way Mom is? For the accident? You wanna blame me for that now? The day after my best friend kills himself? You gonna blame for that?!?" I ♥ this diatribe. Jensen's acting ftw.
***
Skip to the college campus - OMG they do go to class! - where Dakota invites Jake and his new squeeze for dinner at the diner where she works. Is Dakota like permanently stoned or something? She seems to be very...flat. No affect or anything.
***
Skip to the diner date where Dakota is either being slightly interested in Jake's date or being bitchy or completely out of it. It's very strange, but makes a pretty picture regardless.
Dakota asks Marisol if her name means anything. "It's Spanish for 'sun and sea'." "Oh! I was named for where I was conceived."
"Sun and sea", Marisol? Lies! All lies! Your name is not "Sea and sun". Honestly, do you think we Spaniards name our kids like that? What, we've got kids running around named Surfanturf too? What would you say if your name were Marimar? "Oh hi, my name means sea and sea because of my impressive rack." No. Your name is the short version of Maria Soldedad (Mary Solitude) or Maria del Sol (Mary of the Sun) because most everyone's called some variant of Mary in Spain. Now go and get yourself a proper demonic name.
Dakota excuses herself and proptly gets harassed by Skeevey Professor in the kitchen. Yes, Skeevy Professor eats there every week, twice a week. *shudders* The camera pans down to his wedding ring and we're supposed to be horrified, I guess. What? It's somehow worse that the professor's coming onto the student and demanding sex for passing her because he's married?
One ass-grab and rebuke later, Dakota's getting a call from the Pathway. How come when Conrad was listening to the Pathway, it sounded like Jake, and when Jake was on the phone, it sounded like Jake but when Dakota's talking, it sounds like her? Inconsistencies are not for the win.
Marisol: "There's a higher power looking out for you." *Sickle snerks* I see what you did there. Again.
***
Skip to Jake's choice for a first date: a tattoo parlor. Wow, great first date there Jake. "Let's go get me a tattoo for my mom!"
Walt the tattooist: "I hope you can fight. I've never put an orchid on a guy before."
Jake: "It's for my mother, Walt."
Marisol: "Okay, now you're breaking my heart."
Sickle: I see what you did there. Yes, again.
Unf.
Double unf.
That is all.
Unfortunaltely, Walt quit smoking yesterday and does something particularly painful to Jake whilst tattooing with the shakes.
I love Jensen's "Holy shit, no you didn't!" face.
Why do we not get to see the messed up tattoo? I mean, Walt does scratch it up with his cigarette withdrawl, doesn't he?
Turns out that murder and mutaliation care of Dakota ensued while she was packing up their dinner:
...could you eat around that? I mean, if the chips were good enough?
***
Skip to the diner, where Marisol sneaks in a good feel-up of Jake's back and Jake's uncle confronts him, asking "What've you and your friends gotten into?" because that makes sense. Obviously they're part of the muder and self-mutilation part of gang life. (Seriously, why is everyone blaming Jake?) Ugh. Whatever they've gotten into, it doesn't measure up to murder and mutilation. I mean, stealing radios and casual violence, sure, but don't blame teenage hijinks on that kind of mess.
Jake's uncle then demands that his nephew meet him at his cabin the next day and spill the beans. Marisol tags along because she's now super special to Jake.
Yes, just leave your cabin open and the knife point-deep in the wood. That's some shoddy weapons care.
Jake spills the beans. Sorta. He leaves out the bit about the Devil in his basement.
...remember when this movie was about playing some creepy internet game? Yeah, thanks for reminding us, Jake. Your uncle and I needed that reminder, because this movie's genre's just gone all over the place.
Jake: "I feel like I'm going insane." Ha.
The uncle calls it a computer game. *facepalm* Dude, it's not a "computer game" at all. It just uses a computer. It also uses a phone.
But the uncle isn't all bad, because he's down with Jake and his girl shacking up in his cabin.
Snuggles by the fire just got that much more awesome.
Also, it's a nice kissing scene, but the movie hasn't shown me enough between these two going from flirty to comportably companiable and kissy so I don't feel that there's enough emotion behind it (and they're going for emotion rather than "You hot! Me horny! Let us kiss with tongue!) And remember, Ceiling Bobcat is watching you masterbate make out.
Jake seems to be the same kind of lover as Dean, all soft looks and tenderness, but he gets cold feet catching a look of Ceiling Bobcat.
Stuffed Bobcat, the new mood killer! Now with flaming yellow eyes! (Ceiling Cat's Big Brother, for antichrists only!)
Jake knows something's wrong, and since the last time we saw his uncle he was driving down a deserted road receiving a strange call... Well, can't say we're surprised.
That must be the world's most accident-prone, well-placed branch ever.
Jake freaks out, understandably, but not too intelligently.
Jake, you moron! Stop trying to break the door, you're just fucking up the handle.
And the window is open! How can you not reach in to your uncle through the window?
I mean, seriously!
***
Skip to the first funeral of the movie, although it's the third death.
Okay, so Marisol's known Jake a few days, and now she's the girl who sits by his side at the funeral service? That's a damn fast relationship.
Jake walks out of the funeral and seeks out a hug from Marisl. I will never have enough of needy Jake. So squishable! Until...
Lions. Cougars. Bobcats. I see what you did there.
Gnah! Scary Jensen face! Don't do the intense evil stare, Jensen, it's honestly scary! (Which I suppose means he's really good as an actor.)
Scary Intense Face Jensen needs to talk to an old friend.
Scary Intense Face? Yes. But also so pretty.
*Red Lens of Doom*
STOP STICKING THE TONGUE CUTTING BIT IN! I DON'T WANT TO WATCH IT!
**
Jake goes to talk to Walt, the tattooist with the conveniently identifying goat-and-pentagram tattoo.
Lawdy, does Jensen look glorious in a button-down shirt.
Walt explains why he got into Satanism: "There's more pussy at a black mass than at a Metallica concert."
Okay, Walt is reminding me of...someone. Some ambiguous character who's somewhat uncouth and all about sex... Firefly's Jayne Cobb! Oh yes, Walt is totally the older, creepier version of Jayne Cobb. ...gnah! (Also a teeny tiny bit of Bobby Singer, which is extra weird.)
And Walt explains why he never really got that deep into Satanism: "You don't cross people who are willing to give up their souls." People who run up against Dean Winchester, take note. (In fact, Dean, you might want to take note and a long look at Sam. Just in case.)
***
Jake keeps on investigating, meeting up with the local warlock to learn more about the Devil and all that jazz. Oh hai, Roswell cop aka William Sadler! You've aged! But are still rather alright.
Niiiice shot through the bookshelf.
Ivan the warlock tells Jake that the Pathway - not the game, the term - is what the Devil uses to possess someone.
Jake: "So how did I resist?" Um, who's saying you did?
That position you're sitting in, Jake, looks either incredible comfortable or incredibly uncomfortable. Either way, nice.
So Ivan tells Jake about a very powerful, very evil warlock who could work up some bad mojo. To Jake's question of just how Aidan knew how to conjur up the Devil, Ivan replies, "Because I taught him to." Ah, the age-old tale of the too-apt learner who goes dark side. *sigh*
So the movie is now about black magic and the devil, instead of telephone games and violent murders. How many movies were smushed to make this one?
***
Skip to Jake very obviously staking out the company building of Aiden, who owns Kater Games and therefore obviously set up the Pathway game.
Ah, hellooo douchebag.
***
Jake senses the audience's confusion and explains things to Marisol.
Jake: "The Devil uses the Pathway to kill people."
Marisol: "And then forces them to kill and to commit suicide."
See, this is decent if you take "the pathway" to be the connection between the possessed and the possessor (which is the same as saying "the Devil possesses people and does shit") but is incredibly stupid when you remember that the pathway is a ridiculous telephone "game" wherein a mysterious voice calls you and tells you things like "aren't you going to do anything?" and "stand up for yourself" and "go and fuck Jake in a swivel chair".
Jake: "She seduces them."
Marisol: "The devil's a woman."
Jake, I did the same bitchy disappointed face as Marisol. The Devil's always male until you need to use a sexual metaphor, then it's all, "Ooh, the witchy wiley ways of woman!" Ugh.
Jake: "I don't know, maybe [it's] whatever it needs to be."
Marisol: "Or what you want it to be?" Oh, I see what you did there again. The Devil's what Jake wants it to be, indeed.
Marisol: "I'm not saying that it's your fault. I'm just saying that you're angry because-"
Jake: "YES I'M ANGRY!" Oh, the hilarity that was avoided by Jensen's acting.
Jake: "The bitch was in my basement!" I love this line too much. (And apparently I'm not the only one, because it's on the IMDB quotepage.)
Marisol: "It's... I adore you but this is getting to be too much." Apparently, Jake being slightly anti-devilwoman is "too much" for her to be in their relationship, but two of his friends murdering and dying and his uncle also dying wasn't "too much"? Girl, you don't stick by for that amount of baggage and then just bail!
Jake, understandably, rushes out in a huff and door-slam.
***
Skip to a very well-lit basement. I approve because of the pretty.
Jake sees something...
No! Don't stick your hand into the gaping hole in the wall of your basement! Think of all the nasty things in there! Gods, Jake, you're almost too dumb too live sometimes. (Unless this is some sort of vaginal metaphor, with the birthing and stuff. Heh, "box.")
Ah, the convenient Box of Backstory Exposition.
Yeah, what's new, Box? How is this news?
*music screeches and booms* Gnah! Creepy Ghost Conrad!
***
Okay, here is where the movie totally just flips the bird at the concept of making sense. Ghost Conrad punches Jake out in his basement, and he wakes up in Douchebag Aiden's snazzy apartment. How?
Conrad: "Hell ain't so bad. You'll see." Tell that to Dean.
Jake doesn't seem comforted.
Continuity Fail! Jake's lip was bloody and gorgeous! Now it's just gorgeous!
Aiden shows up and tells Jake that the Pathway was a test which Conrad and Dakota failed, but he passed.
Aiden: "You stared the Devil directly in the face, and you never looked away." Then how the hell did Jake know the Devil was a hermaphrodite, huh? That wasn't on the Devil's face.
It was used to find Jake because he was "stolen" from them, the Satanists, by his actually-adoptive parents. Unfortunately, "You went from being the Prince of Darkness to just another fucked-up kid." Love you too, sugar. And who says Jake is fucked up? Not the movie - at least, not until the Pathway and all that.
This premise for the Pathway is ridiculous when you consider that the Devil and its minions had eighteen years to find Jake and the best they could come up with was a roleplaying game? Seriously? What about scouring the nearby towns right after the babysnatching for couples with newborns? What about sending out a hellhound on his eleventh birthday? Man, Azazel and all the monsters on Supernatural kick the Devil's ass when it come to finding their young or Babies of Interest.
*Red Lens of Doom*
Okay, look, those red-tinted flashbacks are totally unnecessary. I remember the horrific intrusion of personal information by the internet.
Aiden: "You belong to us." Joooooiiiiin uuuuuuus!
Jake doesn't take too kindly to this revelation. It doesn't go well for Aiden.
Wow. That was an incredibly awesome toss, Jake. You should totally throw discus or something professionally.
Ghost Dakota shows up, except she isn't really Dakota at all. Jake's a bright boy, asking "Where is she?" and gets this as an answer:
He's still pretty.
It makes me ridiculously joyful that Jake getting up off the ground bared some of his lower back. I'm shallow and it's fun :)
***
Skip to Jake driving away, burning rubber, in broad daylight, and then skip to Jake driving at night to his uncle's cabin.
*car chokes*
See, Jake, this is what happens when you ditch the Impala. Ain't no other car gonna drive under your hands.
Closer to the cabin, Jake hears what we started off the movie with, which is the sound of a scared woman crying somewhere inside the cabin.
Jake is not very smart.
Yes, Jake, grab the bloody knife with your bare, fingerprint-filled hands and go into the cabin with the crying woman in terrified pain. Great thinking there.
Inside the cabin is the same woman from the beginnig, only wearing clothes this time.
It's ridiculous how they never explain why she was lying there on the floor crying. Regardless, she gets up and although Jake says, "I know who you are now," she brings her hand to his cheek (SNAKE! The hand is the snake!) -
- and gives Jake a Red Lens of Doom vision of when he was stolen away from her. It. The hermaphroditic Devil.
Seriously, STOP IT with the repetitious flashbacks.
So...the Devil doesn't chase them very far, then. Because you can see the Devil - its horns and claw, at least - right there, in the center, not that far away from Jake's not-parents. Seriously, that doesn't even count as trying to catch the measly humans.
Jake follows the woman out of the cabin.
*ominous bell-tolling and chorus-wailing music is ominous*
Someone's been redecorating.
Dude, that one bone there was totally from a cow. A huge cow.
Although I must admit, the silver goblet full of blood in a forest is a pretty neat image.
Jake's parents hanging dead from a tree...not so much with the liking. Jake doesn't take it well at all.
Jake: "NoooooOOOOOooooo!"
That scream was...unexpected and abrupt. And somewhat narmy. The angry and determined crying that came later was much better done.
The woman decides to change it up a little...
WHERE IS THE BLACK SMOKE?
Marisol the Devil: "You had to kill before I could show myself to you." Um, he killed the douchbag, but he's been seeing you for ages, so...
Oh, do you just mean, show yourself to him with that haircut?
That's it. Jake's broken.
See? It's always the left eye that does the manly single tear of heartbreak! There it goes!
Marisol the Devil: "Accept who you are." Which is what? Prince of Darkness, yes, but what does that mean. (Also, way to go, Devil, but not trying to sell that choice at all. I mean, you just propose it once and completely leave out the "there's nothing left for you now" part of it all. You fail, Devil.)
It looks like Jake's beyond broken when he asks of Marisol "Will you be with me?"
Marisol: "I'll be whatever you need me to be." Yes, you said.
Oh gods, Jensen, cry in emotional turmoil more, it's so bloody gorgeous and astounding.
But no! Jake stabs Marisol in the chest with...a sharp bone? Something.
Pissing off the Devil, though, not such a good idea, Jake.
*Red Lense of Doom*
...I didn't need to see that birth scene. Really.
Oh gods, is the Devil pulling of the "all the sacrifices that I made for you" crap too? Look at these flashbacks, Jake! See how much labour hurt? You ungrateful inexplicably humanoid antichrist! Why can't you embrace the murderin' way of life?
Okay, freakin' mice know better than to give birth to their young in just any old random place, so why was the Devil stupid enough to give birth in a (totally betting it wasn't abandoned) cabin near a town? Whilst howling? I mean, why not some abandoned desert? And just what were you going to do with the baby? Have it raised by the coven? (Oooh, Two and a Half Men parallels!)
Remeber that goblet? Yeah...
Drink it, bitch.
***
Skip to pretty eyes
and trees
and it's not Lost how can it be?
Cop: "You're a monster."
That's a lot of blood. Jensen should not look so pretty slathered in blood.
*glorious narration by Jensen* *Sickle's happy face*
Jake: "The devil couldn't kill our child so this is how she makes me pay for wanting to be human." Um, what? Seriously, what? "Our" child? You're the child. (Unless you're going by the "the Devil is a hermaphrodite" route and you were the spermy part of that duo and then, um, what, conceived yourself? I don't even.) And the movie never had a single "come on, embrace your non-humanity!" "No, I want to be human!" moment. Just a weep-anna-stab.
Jake: Wake me up from this nightmare... please.
...yes, you read that right: Paul Kilton was played by Alan Ackles, who is Jensen Ackles' father.
And who the fuck is Paul Kilton, you might ask? I certainly did, and spent ages flipping through the film and IMDB and Google trying to figure it out. Very long story short, Paul Kilton isn't Anne Kilton's husband - that's Ivan Reisz, played by William Sadler of Roswell. Instead, Paul Kilton is Jake Grey's father - or rather babysnatcher - which made no sense to me because THEIR LAST NAMES DO NOT COMPUTE and yes he is presented as the actual father because Jake says "dad and I are fine" but the male babysnatcher is referred to as Paul so *conflused flail*
But! This is Jake's dad:
And this is Jensen's dad:
And here they are together in the movie:
Oh my heart, the idea is adorable. (And slightly hilarious because this is the scene where the dad calls Jake an "ungrateful ppppunk".)
Y'all have no idea how long it's taken me to do this. *flops about in exhaustion*