The only real failure in life is the failure to try.*
I have mentioned how much I suck at getting anything done, haven't I?
...I could say a lot more, but really, that's it. I fail at getting stuff done. Anything. Everything. Of any and every magnitude and importance.
Fail.
Fail.
Utter epic FAIL.
ETA1: The book is right there The email is right the fuck there. The bloody shower is right across the hall. And yet I can't even empty my schoolbag or fold my shirts.
Unfortunately, this situation not new.
ETA2: Compulsively refreshing the email inbox only leads to tears. *sigh* I don't even have confirmation on tea tomorrow with Elisa. Gods, I really do have no accessible friends, do I? This sucks. *finally off to shower and bed*
ETA3: Also, it's depressing how much I was looking forward to seeing my family on Christmas today. (Worse that I know I'm going to be disappointed. So, so much.) I've never really done the whole give thing whole hog before, and just thinking of things that might make them happy... (I bloody well missed my dad last week. My dad. He doesn't ever enter my thoughts ever.) Because we're not, you know: happy individuals or a happy family. I wonder if we ever were, and I suppose we were (or they were) because sometimes - rarely - dad'll look at mom like he loves her but it still feels wrong to me because this isn't normal and I can't imagine my mom in love with my dad and thinking back to that meme fallen_iceangel did, I think for one trip with the Doctor I'd ask to go to a time when my parents were a bloody couple. And I keep thinking about what Lander told me, that all of his chidlren-of-diplomats friends are round the bend, or just drifting, and for fuck's sake I keep on having to choke back tears in fucking class and I know I'm totally fucking things over by not actually doing anything and oh gods I know there's folk out there with real actual worries and woes and it's not like this is a bloody pity-party, oh look my incapacitating woes are bigger than yours - because they're totally fucking not - I'm just..I don't know...incapable. That's it. Incapable. Of anything right now. Just, cannot do shit. Won't do shit. Don't much care about shit and just am too fucking scared and I think - I know - I've totally messed up on the path and I don't want to do what I'm doing and I just want to fucking go home. Which is ironic, due to the whole, 'no such thing' situation. I miss my univ. friends. So so much. So much. I miss who I was back then, in undergrad. Three years out of that system and I'm so lost. And I know I should be making friends but I'm trying and it's so emabrassing, how enthusiastic I am and ready with the jokes and being open and friendly and social (me! Social! WTF?) and I know I'm overdoing it and... I used to be so - not friendly, what's the English word... Where you demonstrate affection? Affectionate. I used to be overwhelmingly affectionate as child to my close-family. Not with other people, which is why I'm so awkward when it comes to casual social touching (which I so bloody wish I wasn't) but on the other hand I would so run up to anyone who'd offer me a hug. Anytime. Any day of the week. I miss being affectionate and I miss people being so to me and one hug last month by a near stranger ain't gonna cut it for the total of social physical interaction.
*deep breath* Oh gods. I - *sigh* I'm not going to tell you not to read the cut because I could just delete right now and I won't, because sometimes these things need to be written down and I don't much care right now about where it is. But, well, it's not a good mment right now so things are exagerated, maybe, and a bit all over the place. I can't say I'm happy about where I am right now but I can't say I'm not, and intellecutally I know what I'm doing - if I get around to it - is worthwhile. Just, well, blanket-warning for whatever you may find behind the cut, 'kay?
In sum, really, I need a hug liek woah.
ETA4: Tea confirmed. Life not so suckety. Me shower now. Probably'll wake up at 3 am with cramps from hell. Slept like shit yesterday - no more black tea! - and dreampt black cats were out in the hallway**. Two were evil, but one was nice - turned out to be Elisa's roomate's cat - so it got to be in my room. Then a kitten appeared on my bed. I love my random-cat-owning dreams. Yeah, pretty emotionally drained now. Obvious much? (Oh, and Karma-bank? I'm cashing in my IOU Wednesday night. Just so you know, I expect to see Syalr back - or better yet, slam - Mohinder into the wall. That is the only thing I will accept as compensation right now.)
* Anon. or uncredited.
** First dream featuring this apartment. Coo'.
...I could say a lot more, but really, that's it. I fail at getting stuff done. Anything. Everything. Of any and every magnitude and importance.
Fail.
Fail.
Utter epic FAIL.
ETA1: The book is right there The email is right the fuck there. The bloody shower is right across the hall. And yet I can't even empty my schoolbag or fold my shirts.
Unfortunately, this situation not new.
ETA2: Compulsively refreshing the email inbox only leads to tears. *sigh* I don't even have confirmation on tea tomorrow with Elisa. Gods, I really do have no accessible friends, do I? This sucks. *finally off to shower and bed*
ETA3: Also, it's depressing how much I was looking forward to seeing my family on Christmas today. (Worse that I know I'm going to be disappointed. So, so much.) I've never really done the whole give thing whole hog before, and just thinking of things that might make them happy... (I bloody well missed my dad last week. My dad. He doesn't ever enter my thoughts ever.) Because we're not, you know: happy individuals or a happy family. I wonder if we ever were, and I suppose we were (or they were) because sometimes - rarely - dad'll look at mom like he loves her but it still feels wrong to me because this isn't normal and I can't imagine my mom in love with my dad and thinking back to that meme fallen_iceangel did, I think for one trip with the Doctor I'd ask to go to a time when my parents were a bloody couple. And I keep thinking about what Lander told me, that all of his chidlren-of-diplomats friends are round the bend, or just drifting, and for fuck's sake I keep on having to choke back tears in fucking class and I know I'm totally fucking things over by not actually doing anything and oh gods I know there's folk out there with real actual worries and woes and it's not like this is a bloody pity-party, oh look my incapacitating woes are bigger than yours - because they're totally fucking not - I'm just..I don't know...incapable. That's it. Incapable. Of anything right now. Just, cannot do shit. Won't do shit. Don't much care about shit and just am too fucking scared and I think - I know - I've totally messed up on the path and I don't want to do what I'm doing and I just want to fucking go home. Which is ironic, due to the whole, 'no such thing' situation. I miss my univ. friends. So so much. So much. I miss who I was back then, in undergrad. Three years out of that system and I'm so lost. And I know I should be making friends but I'm trying and it's so emabrassing, how enthusiastic I am and ready with the jokes and being open and friendly and social (me! Social! WTF?) and I know I'm overdoing it and... I used to be so - not friendly, what's the English word... Where you demonstrate affection? Affectionate. I used to be overwhelmingly affectionate as child to my close-family. Not with other people, which is why I'm so awkward when it comes to casual social touching (which I so bloody wish I wasn't) but on the other hand I would so run up to anyone who'd offer me a hug. Anytime. Any day of the week. I miss being affectionate and I miss people being so to me and one hug last month by a near stranger ain't gonna cut it for the total of social physical interaction.
*deep breath* Oh gods. I - *sigh* I'm not going to tell you not to read the cut because I could just delete right now and I won't, because sometimes these things need to be written down and I don't much care right now about where it is. But, well, it's not a good mment right now so things are exagerated, maybe, and a bit all over the place. I can't say I'm happy about where I am right now but I can't say I'm not, and intellecutally I know what I'm doing - if I get around to it - is worthwhile. Just, well, blanket-warning for whatever you may find behind the cut, 'kay?
In sum, really, I need a hug liek woah.
ETA4: Tea confirmed. Life not so suckety. Me shower now. Probably'll wake up at 3 am with cramps from hell. Slept like shit yesterday - no more black tea! - and dreampt black cats were out in the hallway**. Two were evil, but one was nice - turned out to be Elisa's roomate's cat - so it got to be in my room. Then a kitten appeared on my bed. I love my random-cat-owning dreams. Yeah, pretty emotionally drained now. Obvious much? (Oh, and Karma-bank? I'm cashing in my IOU Wednesday night. Just so you know, I expect to see Syalr back - or better yet, slam - Mohinder into the wall. That is the only thing I will accept as compensation right now.)
* Anon. or uncredited.
** First dream featuring this apartment. Coo'.