the devil fuels the hate.
Motivated from inspiration I slowly sit down in front of the keyboard to write out what I've been dying to let go of for years...but then it happens. I get caught up in the comfort of helping others, and my emotions return to their hiding spots deep within my shadowed heart. And I am once again reminded of the strength that I find in helping others and relating to others who also have problems. It makes my life's complications easier to understand when I involve myself with someone elses complicated life. I can't relate to the privelaged or the innocent minded who are not gracious for the life god has given them. I find myself despising them more and more as I mature. Like today, when Katie bashed my joke about being laughed at when I drive the bomb into a jiffy lube. Something about having driven it for ten years. At the time, I just let it go, kinda half laughed it off. But as I rolled her comment over and over in my head I grew more angry with every revolution of it. 10 years ago, the car would have only been 3 years old, only slightly used by her brother who used it in phoenix for school. A car, 3 years old, graciously given to her. She used the car to piss of her parents by dating deliquents, smoking drugs, and by having unprotected sex. It was by the way, the unprotected sex that got her pregnant at the young age of 17. Most girls at that age, in that situation find themselves in a pickle, like her future sister in law did. They have options, grim ones at best, but there are options. They can get an abortion and rid themselves of the mistake; they can give that baby up for adoption and give it the gift of life with an established family; or they can drop out of highschool and work their ass off to keep the baby and maybe someday get an education. Not Katie, she had rich parents who gave her the unatainable option that most girls only get to dream about. They paid for her mistake. She got to stay in highschool to get an education, while her parents paid for all of the things she couldn't afford, which was pretty much everything. Now, to tie it all together, if Katie hadn't gotten pregnant, she would have had the oppertunity to get rid of the outdated ugly car before it became a money sucker. She has no right to act all rigteous about it. She didn't do it to show appreciation for the gift her parents had given her; she didn't do it because she was saving money for a college education, her parents paid for that; no she had to do it because she was a broke mother. She didn't like driving it any better than I do now. She has no right to act like she was all humble about it for 10 years.
Katie, like every other privelaged kid in this world, has no right to walk around and complain about their "crappy" lives. They walk around with their expensive things and go home to an unbroken home and then have the balls to complain about it. And also why do some find it fulfilling to go out and throw it all away. They go out, get high or stoned, get drunk every weekend, or have sex all the time because they find the need to rebel. Rebel against what!? She had the whole world financially catered to her and she spit on it. It makes me hate her. I'd like to see her live a life in the day of what I once lived. I'd like to see any of those spoiled unappreciative punks spend one day living the life of a kid who has almost nothing.
Spending so much time getting angry about Katie made me even more deeply appreciate what my aunt and uncle have done for me here. I can't even imagine how I'd make it up to them or how to ever show how much I appreciate what they're doing. And me, having been mostly self supportive for so long, I feel guilty for the burden I am to them. Only complicating their lives with my problems. I can't rid myself of the guilty feeling. I can't wait to get back out on my feet to rid myself of it. And then I sit and think about my brothers back home, who don't have the oppertunity I have. And all I can do is cry about it. Why do I deserve this and they don't? Why did I get this? Why did I leave them there among the misery? I feel like such a terrible person. I hate myself for having this while they continue to live there. I miss them more than I can even understand. I just feel so guilty. How do I face them after this? What do I say to them?
Katie, like every other privelaged kid in this world, has no right to walk around and complain about their "crappy" lives. They walk around with their expensive things and go home to an unbroken home and then have the balls to complain about it. And also why do some find it fulfilling to go out and throw it all away. They go out, get high or stoned, get drunk every weekend, or have sex all the time because they find the need to rebel. Rebel against what!? She had the whole world financially catered to her and she spit on it. It makes me hate her. I'd like to see her live a life in the day of what I once lived. I'd like to see any of those spoiled unappreciative punks spend one day living the life of a kid who has almost nothing.
Spending so much time getting angry about Katie made me even more deeply appreciate what my aunt and uncle have done for me here. I can't even imagine how I'd make it up to them or how to ever show how much I appreciate what they're doing. And me, having been mostly self supportive for so long, I feel guilty for the burden I am to them. Only complicating their lives with my problems. I can't rid myself of the guilty feeling. I can't wait to get back out on my feet to rid myself of it. And then I sit and think about my brothers back home, who don't have the oppertunity I have. And all I can do is cry about it. Why do I deserve this and they don't? Why did I get this? Why did I leave them there among the misery? I feel like such a terrible person. I hate myself for having this while they continue to live there. I miss them more than I can even understand. I just feel so guilty. How do I face them after this? What do I say to them?