Marking time no longer...
Welcome, my children, to something the world hasn't seen for eighteen months...
...because for the last eighteen months, the world wasn't ready.
I promise that this feature will never again go untended for so long.
I promise that I'll no longer neglect adventure in my life.
I promise that it was just the one time that I touched you in your sleeNOTHING HAPPENED.
***totally awesome drumroll goes here***
So You Don't Have To 2.0:
IN YOUR FUCKING FACE!
That subtitle is still subject to change.
A little over a week ago, I was in Oakland, California, bringing my sweetie Nadja Robot (known to the LJ world as fairyarmadillo) back to live with me in Champaign, Illinois. She is super-awesome and it's like living with a cuter, smarter, funnier version of me. Life is good.
ANYWAY! She took me to Nordic House, an adorable little store that specializes in Scandinavian food, drink, and chintz. The reason for the trip to Nurdic Hurse (← to be read in Swedish Chef voice) was so we could hook up a few items for this new SYDHT.
We were not disappointed.
This is Grandpa Lun-oh, you can read. If it's anything like MY grandpa around Christmas, it tastes like sour mash bourbon and decades of regret.
Ah, “non-alcoholic” and “malt beverage.” Words I like to see near each other as much as I do “cyanide” and “ice cream” or perhaps “penis” and “wasps.” Also, every man reading this totally just imagined what that would feel like.
[NAME REDACTED] at the store told us that these were...spoilers. No, she didn't say “This is a jar of spoilers.” She said “Lingen longen jarra spoilurz.”
Zero labels. Not even price, let alone hints or tips. Fish floating in slightly thick liquid in a plastic container in a tied-off plastic bag. That's a little something that Norwegians like to call, “Go Time.”
MEDICAL WARNING: Man, my Tourette's was going BATSHIT when we filmed this, so if you have a movement disorder, this may be a bit triggery. As 2010 progressed, a tic that my friends call my “bunny nose” made a steady comeback. Since Nadja and I filmed this right before we had to check out of the hotel, eat some lunch, and get on a plane--after being crazy busy for and sleeping poorly for a week--everything added up to benjamin being a spastic. I love that as a spastic, I'm legally entitled to use the word spastic. Me and Michael J. Fox go out for drinks sometimes to make fun of you sad little “steady” people. Sure, we spill most of those drinks down our shirts, but the point stands.
Click to viewOMG WHY ARE THERE TWO VIDEOS?!
So there you go. Christmas soda tastes like sugar and spice and everything nice. Non-alcoholic malt-beverage tastes like wheat butt. Aseir has nothing to do with pears. The wily Norwegian Fish Stuff is to be feared and respected. And blackcat2086 gives good shirt.
Nordic House is pretty cool and we highly recommend it. Make sure you get a second opinion on anything you can't read, though. :P If I'm ever there again, I'll definitely get a different Fish Product...but I'll eat it with crackers. And gusto.
Be well, my little ones.
Love,
benjamin
PS - Since this IS going to be a regular feature again, we have some awesome plans, but getting food from the internet is double-awesome. Batshit food is preferred but certainly not required. No flattened cuttlefish need apply, as I've gotten plenty over the years. Nadja and I will be going through what we have left and probably doing a clean-up round, but So You Don't Have To RELIES ON YOU TO SUCCEED!
benjamin sTone and Nadja Robot (AKA Stone Robot Enterprises)
506 W. Healey, Apt. 5
Champaign, IL
61820
Bring the pain.